why cant he leave her?

[Blind Illusion]

my marriage was basically over before my affair..it was pretty dead for the last 4 years and we have been going back and forth to split or not. we even tried to get preggers thinking we could save our marriage but that didn't happen either.

 

my MM and I were friends first and we started confiding in each other .

 

If I put my picture up there instead, and changed the location from Ohio to NY, I could claim this post as my own. Except I had 2 children already.

 

I guess it is more common than I thought for most marriages to be basically over before any type of affair to develop. Would they ever develop otherwise? How can you really know for sure but in my case, I think not.

 

Yes, I realize that in the ideal world, it would be best to get out of the "basically over" marriage first but God or "the powers that be" didn't put erasers on the end of pencils for no reason at all..

[lovernotafighter]

If I put my picture up there instead, and changed the location from Ohio to NY, I could claim this post as my own. Except I had 2 children already.

 

I guess it is more common than I thought for most marriages to be basically over before any type of affair to develop. Would they ever develop otherwise? How can you really know for sure but in my case, I think not.

 

Yes, I realize that in the ideal world, it would be best to get out of the "basically over" marriage first but God or "the powers that be" didn't put erasers on the end of pencils for no reason at all..

 

I didn't get out in time..I was weak to everything my MM was/is to me and I ended up falling in love with him.

 

but he isn't to blame for my marriage ending,no way.. he was more of a final nail in the coffin..in truth I thank him for that because now I know how weak I was to start a affair. I realise my marriage is totally dead and I need to leave,with my MM or not.

 

the choice is his if he wants to join me but I'm on my out to a new life..theres no choice for me.

 

btw I love the eraser quote;)

[OzGirl]

I also can't believe how similar some people's stories are to mine. Posters "Walking Away" and "My Other I" can write my book for me, it would seem.

 

He's giving you excuses as to why he won't leave, and you really need to educate yourself on him - because maybe even he isn't educated on himself. And, your MM is saying the same things mine did. All it's really come down to is that all along, he was showing me (by being with me) what he VALUED and wanted in his life. When his W found out, it was a catalyst for them BOTH to see how 17 years of marriage had let 'their' relationship fall to the wayside.

 

He missed it because he USED to have it with her - and still wanted it with HER, and couldn't get it so went outside the marriage and found me - but the second she found out of his A, I was dumped like no tomorrow and THEY discussed WHY it happened (the A), apologised to each other for the marriage being in a state to facilitate it and are now working, I'm guessing still, on fixing all that was broken.

 

You need to know what lengths a man will go to to be with the one he truly cannot live without. This is not how they do it - giving excuses not to. If he wanted to be with you, he would work out a way to do so AND see his kids, etc. He would introduce you to them in a caring manner and be absolutely chuffed you are in their lives, enhancing their lives for all the many wonderful reasons you are enhancing his.

 

This isn't happening, girlfriend. You know ALL his options and they are NOT as limited as he says, now...... are they?

 

He is playing you in a way which is so common amongst this thread, that I would guess he ain't going to do anything unexpected given the circumstances. So, if I was you, I would get some literature on affairs - why they happen, and how they end. One read you might find interesting is "This Affair is Over" by Nanette Miner Ed.D & Sandi Terri. The front cover says "Essential reading for any woman involved with a married man". It's not going to give you much emotional support, but it will tell you things and you'll think how surprising it is to know so much about a man who's personal thoughts and life was only reserved for you....

 

There's a paragraph which says "Men who are involved in extramarital affairs all share one characteristic. They are liars. They lie to their wives, they lie to themselves and believe it or not, they even lie to you. When you attempt to end your relationship, you will hear all sort of lines intended to win you over. Your lover will say whatever he thinks you need to hear - "My wife and I don't sleep together, I've never loved anyone the way I lvoe you; I've never made love to any woman the way we make love; I've never cheated on my wife before, I've spoken with an attorney; Look at all I've done for you," and so on."

 

The book then goes on to say that mostly, if he can't win you over with guilt (above), he will win you over with pity "...my wife has cancer... you don't understand how hard it is for me... I can't go on without you... Life with my wife is intolerable....".

 

The harder you try to please him, the easier it is for him to not have to throw this rubbish at you.

 

Contented people are not motivated to make change in their life.

[OzGirl]

To all the ex-OW out there, regardless of which point in the recovery process you're in.... IMAGINE if you could be in a room with the starter of this thread "Otherlover" and her MM.....

 

Here we are saying what we are with our experiences behind us (and the road to "normality" still somewhat ahead of us) and giving advice to her... but IMAGINE what it would be like to confront her MM with her as witness.... I doubt she would leave the room feeling so hopeful.

 

My posts are often long (and possibly tedious!) but it's just so heart-wrenching to hear the potential disasters out there waiting to happen.

 

I would never wish this pain on my worst enemy. And, now I know - the W was never my enemy. Maybe the MM is - but he has clearly not layed in bed all day crying, feeling like someone just peeled of his skin with a potato peeler and poured salt all over him, missing me. He would not have stayed with her if he did. So, even if I wished this on him... I doubt he'd have the depth or bredth of care and thought to "feel" something so painful at all.

 

Used. That's all I gave up 3 years of my life to conclude it with.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

OzGirl,

{{Hugs}}

 

Where would you be if you haven't had the affair? Probably where you were 3 years ago. You did gain something: insight and wisdom in a relationship.

[My_Other_I]

To the OP:

I don't assume that you are happy in your situation. You make the rules now, not your MM. If he's promised to leave and be with you - you should give him a timeline. If he's been inconsistent and hesitant, put your boot in his butt and check out. You are wasting your time. Like OzGirl (HI;) ) said, we are here as ex-OW trying to help people like you who are still trapped in this sucky situation.

 

As a former/current/former/current and finally former (for good hopefully) OW I can tell you that it hurts, you loose some, but you gain much more when you finally leave.

 

You Loose:

A man who has no respect for you

A man who lies to you and his family

An emotional baggage of guilt and secrecy

Temporary feeling of security

False feeling of love

Awesome sex (temporary;) )

 

You gain:

Self-respect

Dignity

Chance to find a real man

Happiness

Life experience

Freedom

Different perspective on things

Time to get to know YOU

You don't have to lie to friends

 

Anyways, I am trying to make a point in the fact that by leaving you will loose all the negative things in life related to the A, and you will gain positive things. Your life could turn around and you could actually be happy, as opposed to getting sick to your stomach wondering about your situation.

It's a bumpy ride, but many of us have taken it and made it out stronger and happier then ever before.

Whichever way you decide to go I just hope that you can be happy with your decision.

[OzGirl]

OzGirl,

{{Hugs}}

 

Where would you be if you haven't had the affair? Probably where you were 3 years ago. You did gain something: insight and wisdom in a relationship.

 

You're absolutely right, and it's still morning here in the gorgeous land Down Under, so you've just made sure I have a great rest of the day (and am going to re-read your post tomorrow if I need to!).

 

Three years ago I was 2 years out of a REALLY bad relationship, had renewed confidence and was starting to piece my life back together and had started seeing some good results for the hard work I'd put in since the end of that relationship mentioned above.

 

I wanted to be loved, and warmly welcomed the advances - relentless advances - of the first man who made me smile, was a gentleman to me, and smelt good, etc. I was hesitant to get involved and be hurt again, but he (MM) was the first man to be SO nice to me. How could I deny myself such a thing?

 

Well, now, I'm again out of a bad relationship (with MM), SLOWLY getting back some confidence, following good advice of others (books, LS and instinct to trust my brain and ignore my heart when it hurts not to), and I still want to be loved.

 

BUT...

 

Now... It's not just if a man can make me smile, is a gentleman to me, smells good and is the "whole package", that I will fall madly in love with him. There are too many men in the world who could fit that criteria alone. I know what I was blind to before about MYSELF, and BECAUSE I know what it feels like to love someone as tremendously as I did the MM, I place a high value on what I have to offer someone, and am not going to hand it out to the first Joe to come along (unless it's George Clooney, in which case, he can have me - no questions asked).

 

Whoever "he" is, he can work for it. Prove what I'm worth. Be my friend and not lie to me. Value honesty as a condition, and faithfullness as a state of the soul.

 

George - if you're reading this, which I'm sure you are: You can park your tartan slippers under my bed any day. Unless of course you're married at the time, in which case, I'm sorry to have to say it - you miss out on ME.

 

[My_Other_I]

Isn't he too old for you?

Our dreams make me laugh so hard. They also make my days. I will put in a word with George for you!

[OzGirl]

Isn't he too old for you?

Our dreams make me laugh so hard. They also make my days. I will put in a word with George for you!

 

No he's not too old. He IS possibly too gorgeous, though.

 

I think OtherLover needs to tell MM good-bye. No explanation (why make it easier for him to guauge where his marriage sits in relation to the rest of the world - let HIM figure it out). Dump him. Abondon him.

 

He will be left without the option to go running FROM his marriage TO his OW. Stop enabling him to be weak. Stop enabling him to be so easily married. Make him face what he should have faced in the first place before the affair started. Let him confront his life and fix his problems, rather than ignoring them.

 

Then, realise that he will HATE it so much, he will stop at nothing to get you back in his life - will say ANYTHING to get himself where he has comfortably been. He FEARS his marriage, so expect him to want to run away from his reality again. You don't need his permission to whether he should do this for himself. He should have done it BEFORE he started the A with you.

 

Then, take a deep breath because it's going to be torture for you without him. Start a new thread in LS and call all hands on deck to help you get through each day. Don't turn to him for help. His needs are not YOUR answer.

 

You have nothing to lose - except for him. But, the thing is, you don't really have him. You have bits of him. Kings have abdicated their crown for the woman they love. Given up fortunes to be with the woman they love. EVEN given up children to be with the woman they love. My support is not for these reasons, but more so my point is - when a man is driven by his heart, it's like a mother defending a child - they will stop at nothing and won't flinch once.

 

Your MM doesn't feel this way about you. I'm sorry to say it - but he's the one DOING it to you. Put him to the test, and understand that EVERY time you answer his phone calls, respond to his emails, listen to his stories and give him your time, you are giving him an excuse to NOT look at his wife and marriage and say to himself - what am I going to do about THIS. Deal with her first, you second (isn't that REALLY what he's already doing anyway?). He has to confront what he doesn't want to. If his W found out, he would have to anyway, and it trust me - his W in the state of reaction to that news would consume him so much that you could be dropped without any warning. So, give yourself the control before it could be taken off you.

 

I know you'll read this and think your situation is different and special and too much of a good thing to lose. He feels the same - but it's because you're making it SO easy for him to be married. Before he met you - it was hard.

 

PS: George, again if you're reading this, listen, if you want to leave your slippers on, then by all means, that's okay, too.

[otherlover]

just wanted to let ozgirl know that i did infact tell him to deal with his marriage whether i was in his life or not. I actually wrote that thread after i confronted him. I told him if i wasnt in his life now where would his marriage be? would he be considering leaving her or would he let the unhappiness rot him? The fact is is that they had major issues before me and him started anything. I would see them and couldnt see the affection anywhere. I told him straight out that he needs to consider it. Not think of what would happen wiht us but really think what he wants. so yea i agree he should have dealt with these issues because they are real problems? want to know the worst part i even heard an argument they were having and he told her straight out what his problem was. it has been adressed but they keep tosing it aside. WHY??

[castle26]

I have a question though for you all.

If your MM were to leave his wife - And end up with you...Would you really (and be honest) be 100% happy? Could you fully trust him 100% and never worry that he'd cheat on you at some point in the future?

The one thing that I notice with most OW and their situations is the addictiveness of the actual 'affair.' The intensity of it, the fantasy side of it. Take away ALL that has MADE the affair BE that way, would it be the same if the MM were to end up with you??

"To end up with" the man I love? Listen, I am already "with" him because we are deeply in love. I am already happy with him because of the love we share. The fact that we cannot set up housekeeping together tomorrow in no way diminishes what we have with each other. BS come to the OW/OM areas stirring up all kinds of ill will because they will not accept that THEIR relationship, M, etc. is vulnerable. Can YOU, as wives, "fully trust" your H 100% and never worry that he'd cheat on YOU at some point in the future? Of course not. Can OW, who "ends up" with her lover, "fully trust" him? Again, of course not. There's never any guarantees, and I am very aware of that fact.

[Aaurora80]

Oz Girl - your posts inspire me. Thank you. I, too, have been dropped like a hot potato when the W found out....and it hurts me more than I could ever imagine. I hope to get through this. It has been two months now. I am still thinking about him every waking moment. Every moment.

 

How did you get through the pain? The tears, the depression? I am not coping very well at all

[Walking away]

As a very recent exOW, I believe that these MM are staying in their obvious dysfunctional marriages because we enable them to stay. The wife and family meet certain needs and we meet others. As long as we are available to them, they will continue in these affairs until either the W finds out or the OW can't take it any longer.

 

I decided to not enable my MM any longer. Even though his wife found out about me a few weeks ago, the contact and loving actions and words continued my way. I have now completely walked away with absolutely no contact.

 

Do I hurt? I was okay the last few days, but today, I am having a struggle. But, I expected that and it's okay because I know that tomorrow is another day and I will feel better again. I at least am being true to myself and to my morals and convictions finally. And, even though I miss him terribly today, underneath this pain and longing is peace. Blessed peace. Finally.

[castle26]

As a very recent exOW, I believe that these MM are staying in their obvious dysfunctional marriages because we enable them to stay. The wife and family meet certain needs and we meet others. As long as we are available to them, they will continue in these affairs until either the W finds out or the OW can't take it any longer.

I decided to not enable my MM any longer. Even though his wife found out about me a few weeks ago, the contact and loving actions and words continued my way. I have now completely walked away with absolutely no contact.

Do I hurt? I was okay the last few days, but today, I am having a struggle. But, I expected that and it's okay because I know that tomorrow is another day and I will feel better again. I at least am being true to myself and to my morals and convictions finally. And, even though I miss him terribly today, underneath this pain and longing is peace. Blessed peace. Finally.

I'm sorry you are in pain. I agree with you that many MM probably stay in the M because the OW makes life better for them, and I've thought about that in my situation too. What I have with the MM probably makes my M a little more tolerable, as I'm biding my time waiting for the day I can leave my M. But if he were to decide he wanted to end it with me to try to make his M work I'd have to support that. It would surprise me A LOT if that happened, but anything's possible. But, I love him and whatever makes him happy is what I want. And it would hurt me, I understand that. With our situation, neither of us knows the other's spouse and rarely talk about them, just briefly a couple of times where we both acknowledged that there was a point in both of our M where we knew the love in the M was gone, that we had only frustration with a partner who no longer cared about the M. Neither of us ever thought we would be in love again. We pretty much resigned ourselves to the lives and marriages that we had, with the underlying sadness and disappointment, both of us doing the best we could for our families, and secretly hoping for the day when we could leave a loveless marriage, while fulfilling our obligations to our children. Then we met each other, and we each had hope again. We found happiness with each other. Neither of us ever thought we could feel this way, and we are very dedicated to each other. I always think it's sad to read about the spouses who discover an A then obsess about it, and "try to make the M work." In my case, and his, there was/is no M left to work on. Each relationship is different, and I only know personally about my particular case. But I refuse to believe that what he and I have is "wrong." We have love for each other, and because of it, we both have hope again.

[Aaurora80]

And, even though I miss him terribly today, underneath this pain and longing is peace. Blessed peace. Finally.

 

((hugs)) to you walking away....I hope you can wake up tomorrow and the pain will be eased.

[Guest]

I don't mean to intrude and yes, I am a BS but I come in peace and just to give an answer my H gave me about "why can't they leave their wives".

 

My H told me when he asked me if he could come back home, that he had no purpose. (He moved in with the OW three weeks before he called me.) He said that he was happy at first but then he slowly started to feel like he didn't belong. He started waking up questioning his existence. Why was he going to work everyday? Why was he in school? All of the answers to these were to make a better life for his family. But now he moved in with a woman who had a car, a job, and owned her own home...he reaped benefits and didn't have to work for them. He told me that he started to ask himself why he was in another woman's house instead of with his family. He loved her yes...probably still does for all I can tell...but he came home because of what it meant to him as a man. He made the decision...not I.

[My_Other_I]

I have a question though for you all.

 

If your MM were to leave his wife - And end up with you...Would you really (and be honest) be 100% happy?

No. Maybe for the first few days, but no.

 

Could you fully trust him 100% and never worry that he'd cheat on you at some point in the future?

No. I would trust him in doing the same thing to me, no matter what he says. Being cheat on would be a given.

 

The one thing that I notice with most OW and their situations is the addictiveness of the actual 'affair.' The intensity of it, the fantasy side of it. Take away ALL that has MADE the affair BE that way, would it be the same if the MM were to end up with you??

No. There would be too much baggage and distrust just because of the nature of the R.

[lizad]

I agree with al those statements..........

I too walked away b/c I needed and wanted to.......I did not want a future with the OM.....

However it's been over a week of NC and even though I am completely comfortable with my decision......I do think of him and miss the feeling I got from him but I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how good he made me feel at times......the negative aspects far outweigh that.

when I start to feel meloncholy, I just switch my thoughts to the reason I walked away in the first place......

A feeling is just a feeling and passes........

it's amazing how alike so many of our stories are......

[OzGirl]

Do I hurt? I was okay the last few days, but today, I am having a struggle.

 

You're not alone W.A.

 

Sometimes it's blind faith in what I read here in LS - both looking at people who I think are newer in the process I'm going through, and people who are ahead of me in getting back on track - it's often the only real way of measuring that I've moved forward, and in a better direction.

 

Every day I think of him. I don't cry now when I do. I just distract my thoughts to change them to another subject before my feelings are too changed for the thoughts of him - what's he doing today, is he happy doing it, is he missing me, etc.

 

It's a struggle to just turn my back on him - he has defined SO many good things (prior to it all ending). And, I hate him for defining SO many bad things, too (the ugliness of it ending and the revelation of so many lies).

 

I'm behaving my way out of this situation and hoping my heart will completely let go one day. I've given up trying to control that - it will happen (I'm hoping) eventually.

 

My biggest struggle is how one-sided this all was in my genuine love and honesty with him. I struggle to understand how my own inability to see it all for what it really was completely slipped under what I had thought, previously, was my accutely observant radar for fools.

 

You're not alone - there are thousands of women just like you and I silently keeping each other company in our moments of painful reconciliation.

[Walking away]

Thanks Ozgirl.

 

I am almost one week with NC and I am doing okay. Not great, but okay. I think about him often and wonder what he is doing and how he is doing, but then I distract myself. I haven't "fallen apart" like I feared I would.

 

It is difficult letting go, but I had no choice. The affair was over and it was time to move on for my emotional health. Just wish I could get over these melancholy feelings and feel normal again.

 

Thanks for your kinds words. I am sorry so many of us are feeling the same pain and yearning, but I know that this too shall pass.

 

Hugs....

[Aaurora]

I post replies to this thread but the don't seem to show up...

 

Oz Girl - Your posts give me so much inspiration. You have been through so much and yet you're coming out from the other side and each day you're ahead just a little bit more. I can identify with you. I don't know the true extent of your story but you mentioned that you were dropped like a hot potato when the W found out, and that is whats happened to me. He no longer wants to know me. All the words he said, the love we shared, the good times, the laughter, the conversations....did they mean nothing in the end? He said he was going to leave her - and then he told her about me but they have decided to work it out. And now I have to get on with my life, with my pain and my tears on my own. It's hard. But if I can get through this, I can get through anything.

 

It has been almost 2 months since...we haven't really talked. A brief hello, strained smiles is all that I get from him these days. I hurt like I never knew I could. I wonder if he is going through the same.....I don't know.

 

Walking Away - I have read some of your posts in the past - you have a very sad story but it makes me happy to hear that you are doing ok.

 

We are all in this together, all going through the same pain. We are not alone.

[Walking away]

Yes, sisters in crisis. I derive much strength from those who walk the same torturous path that I walk now.

 

We will make it to the other side, gloriously.....I have to believe that.

[OzGirl]

I just find it hard to comprehend how the depth and bredth of my affection for this man - in all ways on all levels, he was Mr Right - how I was mistaken in getting the impression from him that he felt the same way. He told me he was separated, told me about our wedding day - what he had dreamt it would be like, just simply said and did the most loving and kind things - it appeared we both were such a natural fit for each other.

 

This is the part I think has lingered for me. I still don't know - how do I get it in my head and my heart - that was not real. It appeared, felt, smelt, acted and endured to feel real. Is the future going to be like in the movies where love conquers all (The Notebook, Titanic, etc) OR, is that just fantasy? Is Titanic a romantic drama, or really just a sci-fi?

 

It's like trying to understand things that are infinite - time, space, etc. It's just something I can't get my head around to accept. I just don't seem to be able to shake this idea that what felt real to me, was insignificant to him in the end - and it ONLY became that because he got caught by a 3rd party who has never been present to play a part in our direct interaction with each other (the MM and I).

 

I just now think it will fade with time. I've really given up trying to understand it, and my heart has a scar that healed and went hard - it feels like that place that was hurt is now just damaged.

 

When I think of him, I'm stuck in a time warp. Back "then" he was the best thing ever. But, now, if he was to turn up at my front door, it would only be if his wife left him. And, quite frankly, no matter how much I miss "back then", right now - I'm not at all remotely interested in being sought out by him for comfort merely because the wife wised up to the character traits he already showed me during the time of the hot-potato-dropping.

 

It's just stupid and cruel and unnecessary and irritating. This whole thing has changed me - I'm yet to absolutely say it's for the better. Right now, it seems a bit for the bitter.

 

Shame we don't all live near each other. I would glady have you girls over for a drink and a man-slamming session, and we would all feel better for it and not so alone sometimes - and a real hug would be nice, wouldn't it!!!

 

We'll be okay - we will. It's going to be exhausting, but we will get there.

[Walking away]

Ozgirl,

 

You are an inspiration to me. Too bad you live in Australia. The Thornbirds, one of my favorite books, is set in Australia. Funny I mentioned that...my MM and I used to call ourselves the Thornbirds, based on that book.

 

Your posts are quite thought provoking. How long have you and your MM been apart? Seems like my MM and your MM are VERY much alike.

 

I would have never thought by his actions that I would be here today.

[OzGirl]

How long have you and your MM been apart?

 

We were together for just under 3 years, and the W found out late August last year whilst overseas. My MM's son rang her to tell her whilst she was overseas on a holiday (without MM). He spent the 2 wks she was away back and forth in his mind of who he wanted to be with.

 

She came back, placed all this ridiculous conditions on him for her to stay, THEN, went through with IVF to get pregnant, using his "stores" which had been on deep-freeze from around 10 years ago (I believe).

 

His kids are from his first marriage. W of 17 years (current one) is the 2nd marriage - no children yet from that one.

 

So, during that time, he's never really stopped contact with me, but it's been volatile and ugly. He's said some ridiculously hurtful things about me and to me. I have done likewise - I've rung his wife to tell her what he's been saying about her to me, and even just his contact with me "post" revelation. She doesn't want to know.

 

He still tries to contact me, but I don't look at him being my friend. I think he just hates the fact that his life is co-existance, not profoundly loving and rewarding partnership with his wife.

 

I've left a relationship with a new baby in tow many years ago. I did it for the example I was about to spend 20 years demonstrating to my child as being "good enough" for a relationship. It wasn't. It took the birth of my child to realise that.

 

I'm wondering if the birth of his W's child will do the same for her. Maybe, maybe not.

 

So, either way, not only have I had to deal with this, but it's made me vomit on so many occassions (literally) the idea they're having a baby, but didn't have to have sex to have it, he hasn't changed for the torture of this, and they both believe that the way to deal with this was to create something new to focus on. It's sickening. This is what I gave up SO much of my energy for. And, yes, my child got close to the MM and though only little, still asks why he doesn't ring us anymore.

 

I can't erase this period in my life. But, there is so very little good to have come out of it. As a sole parent who's job it is to earn the money, keep the house clean, wipe runny noses, feed a little person's soul with goodness and resilience to what's not, and then try and keep perspective on my own sense of falling apart, in the face of watching my best friend as I knew him leave me for someone who's co-existance is conditional and ridiculously uneducated on both him and how to deal with the revelation he was willing to risk losing her by THEN seeing if she could have his child.... this has all been one massive effort to not lose hope, sanity, the belief that love is a good thing, and continue to "give" because that's what I like doing (as a friend, mother, colleague, etc).

 

I've never felt vengeful like I have through out this. I've wanted to tell his W all, in detail, so she would do to him what he did to me - leave. But, then it would be on my concience and I'd worry about it blowing into one big war between me and him, etc.

 

My ego and heart hate admitting it - but, we lost. Big time. It's not that I lost HIM, it's that I lost that innocent space I was in that thought if you love someone well, it will be rewarding. It wasn't.

 

But, my posts are getting more philosophical as I write them, and I have my backwards steps, but in general, this episode really does feel like it's dying a slow death and losing significance in my life. The scars will be there forever, but so what - things happen in life and we change directions, and we survive, and look back and think how interesting it is when you let it be.

 

Sometimes I want to kill him. Other times, I want him to hug me one more time. Most of the time I wish I could just erase the thought of him and be indifferent.

 

I'm renovating a house and it's doing what I hoped it would do most of the time - distracting me. I've learnt it's the best thing to do - just get busy whilst last August fades further into the past.