:( Me With My Jealousy.

[Zlatko]

Ive been going out with my girlfriend since november, i have intense love for her, but here is what is causing me pain.

 

She has had 7 sexual partners before me.

 

And she is my first, and we still havent done it, im waiting a little bit.

 

Now, this bothers me a lot, i cry, i go into fits of rage, i think about it all the time, and as much as i think im a horrible person for doing something like this, i dont think i can change it.

 

I feel horrible, and yet i love my girlfriend so much and dont want to hurt her in any way.

 

Last night i was sobbing on the phone with her and it hurt her a lot, she started crying too and started telling me that they mean nothing and that she never thinks about them.

 

I honestly feel that my jealousy will kill our relationship, and i dont want that to happen.

 

Ive honestly been wondering if i should go to a hypnotherapist for some help on this issue because i cant seem to let go of the thoughts of other guys on top of her.

 

Im not a bad person, but this is honestly ruining my life.

[Elyssa]

I think you should try to accept it. She's with you now, why worry about her previous sexual partners? Benefit from her experience to enrich your own relationship.

 

That being said, it happened to me before getting married with a boyfriend who was a virgin when we first had sex (I had had previous sexual partners). I ended up leaving him because he made our life MISERABLE with his jealousy and questions about how it was with my previous partners.

 

If you can't deal with it, do yourself and her a favor and break up.

 

-E

[littlekitty]

I hate to be harsh, but you need to hear this. If you don't get a grip on this jealousy, you WILL loose her. You will push her away from you if you can't accept her as she is, for all the things she is.

 

Why are you dwelling on this soooo much? Why is it soooo important to you? Crying and sobbing over something in the past that no-one can change. It doesn't have any impact on your current relationship, abliet for the fact that you can't accept it.

 

Let's think about it another way ok...? You sleep with this girl, date for a year. Things change and you break up. You meet another girl, a virgin. She can't cope that you dared to ever sleep with someone before her, and cries, and sobs on the phone to you. Has fits of rage simply because you slept with someone before her. How are you feeling? What are you thoughts? What would you tell her? Would she be any less special to you? Would you love her any less? Be any less faithful??

 

You're making your GF unhappy. Either start accepting it, or move on. If you keep going with this, I suspect the decision will be taken out of your hands....

 

BTW - What are both your ages?

[Zlatko]

This is the most horrible situation ive ever been caught in.

 

I dont want to leave her, i love her beyond words, i couldnt bare to think about life without her.

 

I dont want to make either of us miserable, ive been trying to cope with it, there are times where i dont think about it for months, but then when i come back to it, it hurts a lot and kills me.

 

I sometimes wish i was never born.

 

Were both 22 years old.

 

I hope i can get help from a hypnotherapist *crosses fingers*

[littlekitty]

With all due respect, I don't think what you need is hypnotherapy. I'm sure it can be used for this, and might help.

 

But I believe what you need is counselling. You need to understand where this jealousy comes from and learn to deal with it. You can't just get rid of it.

 

Can you try to explain what it is that is hurting you so much?

[prfrogkisser]

I have to agree with everyone. You need to find the root of the problem. I think insecurity is one of the reasons. You dont think you can match up to her experiences. Believe me she wouldnt be with you if you didnt give her something more. Value the reasons why you are together. Noone can base a relationship on sex. I have been in your position and i left the guy. I constantly told him it didnt matter how many men i sleep with... what mattered was the future we were going to make together but like you he couldnt deal with it. Remember what matters the most is in your heart even if one is a virgin and the other had more partners.

The tables are finally turned. Women had to deal with these issues for years. Men usually had all the experience and we were the virgin women who got married to these men. Everybody needs to discover their sexuality.

[Zlatko]

With all due respect, I don't think what you need is hypnotherapy. I'm sure it can be used for this, and might help.

 

But I believe what you need is counselling. You need to understand where this jealousy comes from and learn to deal with it. You can't just get rid of it.

 

Can you try to explain what it is that is hurting you so much?

 

i dont know, i just feel like such a number

 

Like im nothing, like there are other guys out there and stuff.

 

She always tells me how handsome i am and how much more special i am than the others, but then i ask, why did she go with them in the first place if they were so far beneath me.

 

I hope i dont kill myself.

[littlekitty]

i dont know, i just feel like such a number

 

Like im nothing, like there are other guys out there and stuff.

 

She always tells me how handsome i am and how much more special i am than the others, but then i ask, why did she go with them in the first place if they were so far beneath me.

 

I hope i dont kill myself.

 

Please don't take that stance. If you are really that upset, then I suggest you pick up the phone and call a support service now. Because to suggest you want to kill yourself over something like this is very worrying.

 

Your views on this are no longer logical it appears, you're questioning every part of it. You won't get the answers you want or need by doing that. You just have to learn to accept it.

 

I'm sorry, but if it's causing you this much distress I think you need to seek mental health help and end the relationship.

 

Your an adult. For the rest of your life you will encounter people with whom you might want a relationship and all of them will probably have had previous partners. Virgins, especially 20+ ones, are hard to find these days!

 

And once you've done it with this girl, you won't be one either!! Will that make your next lover just a number? Will it mean you didn't care about this girl?

 

She is a pretty normal girl who at 22 has had a number of partners. Nothing unusal there.

[RecordProducer]

This is the most horrible situation ive ever been caught in.

 

Something about this statement makes me sick. LUCKY YOU!

 

My husband has had many (and I mean: MANY!) women before me... So how does it make him love me any less? I don't want a guy who knows nothing about sex and love so that's why he loves me.

 

But she is your first and you would like to be her first too. Well you're not. So you can take her or leave her, but you have NO RIGHT to inject guilt about this in her head. She didn't cheat on you. She didn't have to tell you about these guys at all. It's none of your business!

 

You see sex as something bad so how could she do "the bad" with so many guys? Frankly, I feel sorry for your GF. Is this a cultural thing or a matter of ethnic mentality? Your name sounds like you're from the Balkans...

[MusicWoman]

How do you expect her to know she was going to meet you years and years ago when she was dating someone else? I know that when I lost my virginity at 18 I thought I was in love and that was the only man I was ever going to be with. Whats odd (and I don't know why its worked out this way) but I've been with 3 men...the third I'm engaged to...and they were all virgins.

 

You need to accept her for her...but it sounds like there is something else going on here...it sounds like you really need to seek a counseler...because this shouldn't be bothering you this much.

[MadDog]

She has had 7 sexual partners before me.

 

And she is my first, and we still havent done it, im waiting a little bit.

 

Were both 22 years old.

 

Now, this bothers me a lot, i cry, i go into fits of rage, i think about it all the time, and as much as i think im a horrible person for doing something like this, i dont think i can change it.

 

And people say there's nothing wrong with waiting for your first time until you're in your 20's and 30's. Look what happens when people do. I bet none of this would have happened if he simply got some in high school like most people do.

 

The problem with waiting too damn long to get it on is that people start thinking sex is this magical thing with expectations as high as Mt. Everest. Sex can be pretty awesome but it's not something you need to cry about or go into fits of rage over.

 

But Zlatko, you really need to see a therapist (and not a hypnotherapist.) You obviously have some huge issues concerning sex.

 

MD

[MadDog]

Whats odd (and I don't know why its worked out this way) but I've been with 3 men...the third I'm engaged to...and they were all virgins.

 

So you only go after virgins huh? People would have a field day if you were a dude.

 

MD

[MadDog]

My husband has had many (and I mean: MANY!) women before me... So how does it make him love me any less? I don't want a guy who knows nothing about sex and love so that's why he loves me.

 

Yeah. It kinda takes away from the phrase, "Baby, you're the best I've ever had" when it's his first time.

 

Concerning actual relationships and not just sex, I wonder about those people that have only been in 1 serious relationshp their whole lives and they end up marrying that person. I guess if they're genuinely happy that's cool but at the same time how can they really assess if they're in a healthy relationship or not?

 

I know the first serious I was in, I thought I was happy at first but in actuality we had severe problems (she had real personality problems.) It took me way too long to figure this out because I had never been in a relationship before and didn't know whether what I was going through with her was normal. Knowing what I know now, I'd have known it was an unhealthy relationship way earlier.

 

MD

[catgirl1927]

Seriously, don't mess around with a hypnotist. You need help, not parlour tricks.

 

I can't believe you were on the phone crying and making her feel so bad about herself and she didn't dump you! I don't want to minimize your pain, but have you ever given any thought to what your judgemental stance is doing to her? This is your problem, and while she will want to help you deal with it, it almost sounds like you're telling her, "I love you but I don't think I can get over what a whore you are! How could you have done this to me?" I'd have kicked you to the curb really really fast.

[sazzya1987]

Ive been going out with my girlfriend since november, i have intense love for her, but here is what is causing me pain.

 

She has had 7 sexual partners before me.

 

And she is my first, and we still havent done it, im waiting a little bit.

 

Now, this bothers me a lot, i cry, i go into fits of rage, i think about it all the time, and as much as i think im a horrible person for doing something like this, i dont think i can change it.

 

I feel horrible, and yet i love my girlfriend so much and dont want to hurt her in any way.

 

Last night i was sobbing on the phone with her and it hurt her a lot, she started crying too and started telling me that they mean nothing and that she never thinks about them.

 

I honestly feel that my jealousy will kill our relationship, and i dont want that to happen.

 

Ive honestly been wondering if i should go to a hypnotherapist for some help on this issue because i cant seem to let go of the thoughts of other guys on top of her.

 

Im not a bad person, but this is honestly ruining my life.

I think you need to accept she has had relationships before she met you. She can't go back in time and change to not being with these guys. She is with you now so it shows she wants to be with you. So stop asking her and being sad about something which is in the past.

[insomnie]

 

I can't believe you were on the phone crying and making her feel so bad about herself and she didn't dump you! I don't want to minimize your pain, but have you ever given any thought to what your judgemental stance is doing to her? This is your problem, and while she will want to help you deal with it, it almost sounds like you're telling her, "I love you but I don't think I can get over what a whore you are! How could you have done this to me?" I'd have kicked you to the curb really really fast.

 

 

So would I!! You are making her feel bad about somethign she has no control over. Plus, 7 partners at 22 is pretty normal....being a virgin at that age esp. as a guy is less normal in my opinion. She did nothing wrong! Get over it.

[MusicWoman]

So you only go after virgins huh? People would have a field day if you were a dude.

 

MD

 

 

hahaha i swear it wasn't my initial intention...it just kinda happened that way!!! lol

[RecordProducer]

Yeah. It kinda takes away from the phrase, "Baby, you're the best I've ever had" when it's his first time.

He said I'm the best and that's the best out of many!

 

Concerning actual relationships and not just sex, I wonder about those people that have only been in 1 serious relationshp their whole lives and they end up marrying that person. I guess if they're genuinely happy that's cool but at the same time how can they really assess if they're in a healthy relationship or not?

I share your opinion. I know how I was with my first long-term relationship. It took me 6 years to realize that he was an ass. Then I married my ex and thought he was the best I could get.

 

Well this time I married the right guy and lemme tell ya, I knew exactly what I was looking for (based on previous experience) and I found what I wanted.

[tigger]

I'll cut ya some slack, situations are typically reversed and because we are girls we are expected to accept that he's had a ton of lovers and we haven't.

 

I agree when many said you are going to drive her crazy. And she will leave, but it won't be because she doesn't care for you, it will be because she can't live with the guilt you are building up inside her. Yes, she's been with others - that honestly means nothing. I swear to you - she's being honest when she says she doesn't think of them. And even if she did - she's not currently with them for a reason.

 

I wish like heck I could go back and erase some things I've done. I can't and neither can she, though I bet she wishes she could.

 

Be honest with yourself, and with her and find out if the reason this is bothering you so badly is because you are afraid you are going to faulter in comparison to the others? Thinking am I as good, as big, as wonderful as the others????

 

My standpoint: Everyone does it differently, there is no correct way, there is no wrong way. The way you are together will be whats right for the two of you. She won't compare you - in fact, it's not like you are able to remember the feeling of it with others. ( Or at least not for me, the only one on my mind is my fiance ). You can generalize, but - it's not like remembering a vision, if that explains it at all.

 

The only thing I will say is, while you aren't experienced, don't be afraid to talk about what you like - be sure to ask her what she likes, and explore things together.

 

Like MadDog said - I often wonder about those who have only been with one person. If they don't know what else there is - how do they know they are happy or satisfied?

 

Most of the guys I've had those types of relationships with were selfish, only cared about what they were getting out of it, though they put on the appearance as though it was about me too. I didn't realize until my fiance that it simply wasn't true. Loving and cuddling are important for me, but at 34, I just found that out!!!!

 

Good luck - and don't put so much pressure on yourself - or her. Pasts can't be changed....but what your future is can be.

[j dubb]

dude you seriously need to accept it, get help or break up with her becuase i went through the same thing...just a little different situations and believe me...it only gets worse.