guest Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 I am concidering asking ,my mate for a trial seperation to work on my many, many issues. I am eaisly influenced by my mate and other around me. I feel that to truely work on myself I need space and to feel my own feelings for once in my life. Do trial seperations work? Do they push you further apart? I would still have contact with my mate because we have children and we would have equal time with them. I will be completely faithful and try to work on the marriage and myself. It's not a issue of wanted to see if the other side is greener or wanted to be with other people. Do they work? I feel like I can not truely know how I feel unless I am alone with my feelings, and I work on them the way my therapist and I feel they need to be worked on, not my mates! Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 As oblique as that statement is, it is none the less occasionally true. In order for any relationship to be fufilling, both partners have to at the same place, so to speak. If you feel like you are lost, if you feel like you need time to find yourself, then I would take it. I would give myself a cut off date, for example, "In a year's time, I should know whether I need to be with my wife/ husband." However, before you take time off, try to figure out exactly what has been bothering you. Make a grocery list of what is great about the relatioship, and what is crap. What I'm trying to say is make sure that you have specific goals for your relationship before you leave, like, "We will be able to have a discussion with out arguing." That way, you have a set, concrete goal for yourself and your mate to accomplish. Just make sure that your issues aren't "deal breakers" for you. Make sure that these are things you can actually compromise on with your mate. For example, say that she spends too much time on online forums. Perhaps this is a compromis issue. However, say that he tends to get drunk and beligerant in public, no matter who is around, whether its your parents or random strangers. Maybe that would be more of a deal breaker for you. These are just examples of such. I would continue talking to your therapist about what you feel you are missing out on in life and from your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 Hi Lioness, I'm presently in that situation, and I've read up on the subject quite a lot and generally a trial separation is the road to a full separation and possibly divorce. If you can't work out your problems with yourself on your own but in your marriage, chances are that the separation will put even more pressure on you. My W did think that a trial would work and I begged her not to, she did the same thing once before and we did get back together but the hurt anger and resentment festered for a long time. MC is the way to go IN the marriage IMO and if that fails, then maybe you might know which path to choose. I'm not bitter but I have distanced myself from my W since she started this trial sep basically because it really made things a lot worse and the resentment adds up. We went from seeing each other a lot to slowly less and less to the point where now I really don;t want to see her because I wonder when will be the next time if we get back together, when will she do this again? I have heard of successful trial seps mind you, but not a lot, most times it simply leads to the end of a marriage. good luck in your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 ...generally a trial separation is the road to a full separation and possibly divorce... Yup, that's my information as well. Unless there are some very special circumstances, which I can't even conjure up right now, if you want to stay married, then you stay IN the marriage and your work on your problems IN the marriage and WITH your partner. ...I am eaisly influenced by my mate and other around me. I feel that to truely work on myself I need space and to feel my own feelings for once in my life... That right there is one of the issues - maybe even the major issue - that you need to address IN the marriage IF you want to stay married. I understand that you may feel overridden and overwhelmed by your spouse's thoughts and feelings. That's a big problem. I don't see any outlook for fixing it solo. Either fix it with your partner, working as a loving and committed team, with the assistance of a professional counselor, or decide after serious effort that it is not likely to happen, and then take your next decision. Have you told your partner about this particular problem? Does he/she acknowledge your feelings? Is he/she willing to work on it with you? Link to post Share on other sites
burtjr Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 my wife left thinking the same thing and now we can't even talk and she is getting an apt with a six months lease so do you think we have a chance no we lost that chance when you didn't want to go to mc with me Link to post Share on other sites
burtjr Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 i meant her Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts