Don't know what else to do here :(

[Frustratedwithit]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I am so lost. Long story short....been married since Sept 1999, separated once from April 2005-July 2005. Found out he had 2 affairs. He did not admit them to me. His friend told me. The first lasted 1 month, when our youngest was a baby. The last was after I left him short term. When I left I told him I was leaving so he could get his priorities straight in life, and if he went to counseling, I would come back. Instead, I later find out....10 days after I left, he brings a woman (who knows me well), back to our family home (which I helped pay for even after I left), and has unprotected sex with her in our bed. This went on until July 2nd, when his best friend called me and said he had something to tell me, and could not take it anymore. So, he dropped the bomb. I was FURIOUS!!!! I was enroute to CA, and in the airport when he called. I called my husband at work to confront him. First, he denied it. Then I told him I already knew everything. LONG pause...then he says he's so sorry so sorry so sorry. Please come home so we can work this out. I came back from my trip early.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]While I was gone, he bought me a new engagement ring. When I came back he begged me to come back to him. Said that he had been so bad to me, he was sorry, and would go to counseling, get on AD's, and be better to me for the rest of my life. SO, I took him back (we have 3 kids). He went to 3 or 4 counseling sessions, took meds for about 3 weeks. I could see a HUGE difference. He decided no more counseling, no more AD's bc there was nothing wrong with him.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]In September, my mom died. Was really sad. I was the last person she talked to. She momentarily came out of a drug induced coma and told me she loved me. He was supportive.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]In October, things started going downhill, he became distant, not helping with the house, etc. In Feb 2006, I had to have surgery, and was out of commission for some time. He helped me for 5 days after surgery, then, once he saw I was up and around a LITTLE, the help stopped. The last time he so much as held my hand was February 4, 2006. I have tried to talk to him, to no avail. He says there's no reason to have a dream in life, bc it never happens anyway. We are living in my mom's very small house with the kids because I cannot stomach living in my own home (4BR 2BA). That home is on the market to be sold. He told me he has no plan for the future, no goals. No sense in it. Just go to work, come home, every day. NOW, I tried, shortly after my surgery, to ask him to sit with me on the couch, was too busy on the comp. Asked him several days later to go to bed with me, was watching tv. So, I detached. I tried to talk to him about it, and he would not talk, said I was making a big deal about nothing. In Jan he said he wanted all of us to move to a warmer state in June, and start over. Then, in Feb, he said, there's no work there, and he plans to be here for at least 15 years. So, summing it up, my husband will tell me he loves me, give me a peck on the lips, not show any affection (but plenty to our kids, thankfully), not help me in the house, not even try to have any outside activity with me, not call me at all during the day. It's just so much. I love him, still. I sent all of this marriage builder info to him, asked him to read it. Even sent him a copy of the Walkaway Wife Syndrome from another site.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Is there any hope? I love him, but, am about ready to give up !! [/FONT][/sIZE]

[Guest]

So, so so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug!

 

My husband had an affair too, he just wont admit it. I have prrof, but he stills denies it. He excuses are so sad, I dont even think he believes them.

 

I know what its like. More than ever we want to love and affection they gave their OW. Its not fair, why does the OW get the best of our husbands? We get the left overs....

 

I am seriously considering leaving my husband, but I love him SO much its ridiculous. I dont want to be alone either, but I certinatly do want to live like this.

 

Do you cry when you are all alone? I do, and its the #1 sign that tells me this is not healthy for me.

 

I am getting to the point where I hate men (sorry to the good guys). I thought my husband was one of the good guys. Now, I believe there are no good men left, in the end they all lie.

 

Look what his indescretions have done to me, or shall I say us!

 

I wish I could give you advice, but I just dont have any. I am in the same boat as you, and I dont know what to do either.

 

I guess I just wanted to let you know that there are people just like you, going through the same thing.

[carmaenforcer]

Is he bipolar or depressed? This sounds a little like some of the symptoms. The detachment, the cheating, they tend to make strange outrageous purchases. I know that sounds weird and please forgive me if I'm wrong, someone correct me if you want, but my W's grandfather and uncle have depression and bipolar and I've heard these things.

 

Communication is key. My W and I talk about everything and we have so far been able to get past some nasty stuff. I had to forgive her for cheating as well.

3 kids huh. Your husband is obviously dealing with some major issues that if not dealt with will only lead back to the same problems.

I think it helps to be completely honest about what might have put your husband in the state that is in, if not a disorder or illness. As I said be completely honest with yourself and don't be afraid to look at yourself or the dynamics of your relationship as a possible cause or reason for his acting out.

I don't mean to sound like I'm turning it around on the victim but sometimes we are causing the problem in our relationship but are too close too see it.

He might be realy unhappy but still loves you and feels trapped. I loved my ex but hated her at the same time because she was selfish. We didn't communicate too well and things got broken beyond repare.

[Frustratedwithit]

Guest,

 

Thank you, I need all the hugs I can get right now . I just feel so defeated. Like I have tried EVERYTHING I can to make this work, and he's so delusional that he will never see it.

 

I am sorry for you too! In the cases where the men are the ones who cheat, they are not big enough to admit it. They say they need to be tough men, not show affection, be strong. Well.........lying, cheating, detachment, are not ways of showing strength. They are ways of PROVING weakness!!

 

I love my husband too, but, when I think of all the bad things he has done to me, how badly he has made me feel, I realize he's not worth it. I, and you, are worth MUCH more!

 

I do cry alot. Was worse when I first found out, but, now I cry alot when trying to talk to him about the problems in the relationship.

 

Heh, as far as being a 'good' man, that's what I always falsely believed as well. My mom was even led to believe it. However, after all of this, he mind quickly changed.

 

Thank you for the support. Please take care of yourself first .

[Frustratedwithit]

Carmaenforcer,

 

I think he may have tendencies of both of those conditions. That, in NO WAY excuses his maltreatment of myself and his kids. He won't communicate. You are fortunate that your wife will open up and talk to you. All he'll say is, 'do you want to leave me that bad?', or 'you're making a big deal out of nothing.'

 

I really don't appreciate the idea that I might have 'put' him in this state. He was like this when I met him. I was the fool to think I could help him, teach him how to love, teach him what love really is.

[carmaenforcer]

You might not have the energy right now but I am a firm believer in people being able to change, there is one catch though, they have to want to. Dealing with someone that is selfish and people who cheat usually are, is harder than dealing with someone that knows how to think of others.

 

I would agree that having bipolar or depression is no excuse for treating someone bad but you have to remember, as I had to accept myself, is that like a person with schizophrenia or dementia has a mental illness and so can not control their action without outside help, drugs and treatment, so can't the person with clinical depression caused by a biochemical imbalance in the brain or a person with bipolar disorder. I know a girl, my bosses sister-in-law that is very promiscuous and has bipolar, I really don't know the reason why it manifests it's self in this manner but it does in some cases.

Getting someone to admit they have a problem is the first step. Your husband was willing at first to do whatever to get you back but once you were there he stopped treatment, right? This is because you either let him off the hook too soon or punished him too harshly. Both of these things can have a negative effect, because if you forgive and try to go back to a normal happy all is well state in the relationship too fast, he gets this idea that it's ok to stop trying now. On the other hand if you punish someone too harshly and or don't praise them for their efforts enough they might just give up because what's the point, dammed if I do/dammed if I don't, type thing.

Send the kids away somewhere for the night if you can let him know that you want to have some alone time with him. Don't let him know that it's to talk, instead disguise it as a romantic diner at home or something. Then, remembering to keep your cool/control your emotions as much as possible, kindly bring up your concerns, needs but also the fact that you love him, want to understand and help him. Do this not just once but maybe as a regular thing. If you are kind and sweet, he would have to be a complete

A-hole to not at least try to communicate with you. Remember, if you are mean or confrontational he will just close up and retract.

 

Also know that if he is not happy in the marriage for another reason, "sexual problems", lack there of, lose of attraction due to excessive weigh gain, no time alone due to the kids, it's just gotten old and boring, he might be angry and bitter. Like I was in my past relationship, angry and bitter, hating the person I was with but loving them at the same time. My reasons where not sexual but I was unhappy and with a partner that didn't seem to care about my feelings none the less.

[Frustratedwithit]

Carmaenforcer,

 

Please understand that I DID NOT push him away. If anything, I let him back to normal too soon because I loved him and wanted to trust him. He refused to take the medicine, period. Says there is nothing wrong with him. Doesn't say there's anything wrong with me either. I have tried to talk with him, not to him. Granted, after that fails, I get upset. He closes up, no matter what, and has frankly, a cop out attitude.

 

So far as weight issues, I weigh less than I did when we met, and that was 2 children ago. On the other hand, HE has gained 55 pounds during our marriage, and, I have accepted it, and DON'T give him a hard time. HE looks at internet porn. I know it is not good to point a finger, and that is not what I am trying to do here.

[carmaenforcer]

Yeah, like I said, it's bad either way. Being too hard or too easy. I feel your pain, because my W has rage issues and when I or a friend or family member brings it up and suggest she seek help, she just gets all defensive and withdraws.

His weight gain may be a sign or cause of a deeper problem. The internet porn addiction things explains a lot of his behavior, also does not help your closeness or healing. You need to get to him in some way, he seems to react to you leaving. I'm not saying to do it again but stop being there for him in ways that he needs you and withdraw your self to see if he then opens his eyes long enough for you to two to talk face to face.

 

Whatever the case keep strong take control as much as possible and be creative in your manipulating. If he wont get help force it on him in subttle indirect ways. Crushing a little phyco pill in his food, I don't know about that but forcing him to see how stupid he's being, heck yes.

[MCDAM34]

To All:

 

I have to agree with carmaenforcer in so many ways. I am too a strong believer in forgiving and forgetting. But in my case, I had to continue to do it over a 6 year difference. I now have high blood pressure and finally said to myself this is it. I too believe people can change and they do. But it's up to that person. I also agree that he does have some past issues that needs to be brought out. My soon to be ex-wife also had some issues in the past before I met her. I love her dearly but can not continue to have stress while she has all the fun with someone else. I am not promoting divorce, but I have to do what I have to do too make me well and much better. I advice you both to go get some spirual help. (sorry if misspell). Let me say this, I have seen 4 councelor's together. On top of that I have seen about 5 ministers. I believe I have done my fare share of making it work. Is she a bad person you might ask? No she is not. But like I told her, "I am tried of paying the price of someone else mistakes, even when I tried to get you help, and someone is reaping the benefits from it" So in turn, I am sick of tried of being sick in tried.

 

So when you all get to that point of being tried, then and only then when you all will get out of it. I hope each of your spouses will wake up before then. You all deserved better then you getting. Not saying they are bad people because they are not. They really need to wake up and fast.

 

Like I said, I agree with carmaenforcer. Something is wrong!!! We all get away from the true meaning of love. Love is just not about sex nor getting yours. Love is about pleasing the other person. Can't wait to get a phone call from them or a note saying I love you. My personnel favorite is taking a bath together and lotioning each other up. It's the small things that counts.

 

I have went on and on and truly sorry. I had to put my two cents in on this conversation. I wish you all the best and GOD Speed!!! Remember to keep him first and communicate with one another.