so unclear

[smile]

Ok so here I am searching for someone to understand me and maybe make me believe I am not crazy. So if you can help out that would be great. I am just so confused.

 

I started seeing this guy in November. And it was wonderful from the very begining. We had so much in common, we made eachother laugh and we made eachother happy. He would go on and on about how happy I made him.

 

He had a friend who didnt like me at all. She said he had led her on and she wanted to be with him. He said he didnt feel the same way and she needed to accept it. She finally conceded.

 

Except she never had to meet me, and he always had time for her. He said they weren't dating and I believed him, but that didn't mean he wasn't putting her first. But, being the former best friend of a guy dating a new girl, I understood. He said it was harmless and I believed him.

 

I wanted it to be loose and free and he immediately went into relationship mode. I just ended a 4.5 yr relationship (it ended badly) and I just felt it was too soon. I kept asking if he was sure, if he had time for me... to give him and out, and he wanted to be with me.

 

So I agreed and then he decided we were moving too fast and wanted to be friends. So after a long talk I agreed. But we still hung out and he still spent the night at my house and slept with me. But I was happy with the arrangement. Ok with slow.. meeting friends, him meeting my family.

 

Then my dad got sick, and then my grandpa. I wigged out. I got scared and suddenly bad relationship stuff resembled this new great one. I was honest every step of the way, and even said I knew I was putting all my past relationship stuff on him and it wasn't fair. I was trying.

 

And he was ok. Talked to me, held me, reassured me. Then came the weeks without him. One week was valentines week. He didnt even say happy valentines day, but my ex did.

 

Then I decdided to have lunch with my ex... just to face this boogeyman. And I realized I was ok. The new guy was new and great and my ex was my ex and everything felt clean and ok.

 

I told the new guy this and he had no comment. I asked to see him and he started making dates and then breaking them. I haven't seen him in a month. And he never comments on my messages.. only to say "I will respond soon" or "I work all week maybe I can see you tonight" and twice he hasnt showed up. The first time I got a txt he wasnt comming this time nothing.

 

The thing is.. I heard from a friend that he and this girl were more than friends. That they had been dating. Now we weren't officially together but am I out of line to think he should have told me if something changed?

 

I have asked him twice and thats when the avoidance started. So yesterday I just said to him that I want to believe he would be an upstanding guy and tell me the truth but he wasn't making it easy.

 

I told him that I had heard things, but I had defended him. It has been a month since he has seen me. I told him I wasn't going to bother him anymore because I coudn't stand the disappointment everytime I got blown off. And that I thought I deserved more than him bailing and hoping I got the hint.

 

I said that the first 4 months were amazing and I really enjoyed the time we spent together. And I am sorry that it all ended up so twisted and shady.

 

BUT NOW.. I have no idea how to feel. I want to be mad , but I dont know that he did anything wrong. Except to avoid me. And why isnt the space ok? But he didnt answer any of my questions. Should I expect a response of ANY kind?

 

We have a mutual friend that he works with and the friend used to say to me that this guy got so happy when he saw me. He was so excited about meeting myfamily. He even said he used to talk about how he could see himself with me for a long time. He said that to me too.

 

I don't know WHAT to think... help????

 

 

p.s.

I should mention he is 22 and I am 28. The age bothered me but no one else

[max003]

You've been used. From a similiar experience, no bloke is ever "just friends" with anouther girl, and no bloke has the strength to resist continous come-ons and offers of sex.

The fact that he wont speak to you and always stands you up should give you an idea of how much he values your time and affections.

Stop wasting your time thinkig about him. He isnt thinking about how badly he treated you, he probably doesnt even think he didnt do anything wrong. Your not our of order to expect an explantion, the touble is that he doesnt have the balls to explain to your face. This is because he is an emotionally retarded man-whore who repeatedly and shameslessly led you on. Forget about him and move on!

[catgirl1927]

I had an experience similar to this one with a guy that much younger than me when I was first divorced. He acted like he wanted to be with me, said he wanted to be with me, then was always busy, then I heard he was dating someone else. He never faced me, never admitted anything to me. He was an immature jerk. You may be facing the same situation.

[smile]

Man , I always pick the bad ones.. even when I start out careful and cautious. Geez.

 

Anyway I agree with what you both said, except one thing. Max003 said no man can ever be just friends with a girl. From MY past experience I know thats not true. I have plenty of guy friends.. some liked me at one point and I didnt feel the same, some vice versa, and some were purely platonic with no feelings on either side. And the majority of my friends now are guys.

 

I thought maybe he was different. I guess I wanted to believe it. He was so sincere when he talked to me and did so many great things in the begining. Funny enough, I was worried about hurting him.

 

And why answer me and my emails when he could just ignore them? Why not blow me off completely instead of making plans and breaking them? Why say he would help me move? Why do those things if you are avoiding me...

 

After my blow out I wrote a light email saying I missed laughing with him and suggested we have peach cobbler. And he said "we need to have peach cobbler soon, it would be fun". Why do and say things like that?

 

I truly don't understand. And as far as the sex thing goes.. he and I had sex a lot and he used to say things like he can usually control himself and not have sex with a girl he is with but with me he couldn't control himself. Couldn't slow down his emotions and his desire to be with me all the time.

 

I just wonder ... did I do something wrong? Did I scare him off? How does someone just change so quickly?

 

I want to forget and let go. I told him I wouldn't bother him anymore and I meant it. I even said "its a shame bc I make a pretty amazing peach cobbler". But I guess there is still part of me that needs to believe that someone can value my opinion and want to listen to me and be there like he did in the begining. And if he is lying now, how do I know any of it was real?

 

This is really messing with my brain.

[max003]

Listen honey, men say things they dont mean to keep us quiet. If he agreed to meet with you it was a vague yes and he only said it because he didnt want you to ask 'why', 'why not' and 'are you seeing someone else'. he's a coward.

secondly, men are always on the look out. women are friends with men for non-sexual relationships. men have female friends on the understanding, that at some point, there will be sex. how many of your male friends have tried it on with you?

when he said he cant control himself with you, obviously he was lying. he has done quite a good job of controlling himself since hasnt he?

he is never going to admit that its over and its his fault. he will never tell you that he was seeing the other girl while promising to share your peach cobblers. he doesnt have the balls to be honest, instead he is leading you on with vague promises both of you know he wont keep. stop talking to him, dont see him and never let a bloke manipulate your feelings in such a coarse and unnecessary way!

[smile]

I guess that's where I am confused. Before he would say things like "man I was wrong I shouldn't have done that" Or if I said I needed to talk to him he would say things like "I apologize in advance for whatever I did. I hope I didn't make you angry". He was the first guy I was ever with that wanted to talk through things. And when he was wrong he conceded the point.. just as if I was wrong he would expect me to do the same.

 

I was amazed at how maturely he handled everything between us, and he never got mad at me. I did ask him point blank if he was seeing her and I said I wouldn't freak out I just wanted to know.

 

What I said was that lately he hasn't had time to talk to me , but he had time for her. And maybe he was already in a relationship of sorts and didn't really have the time and space for me in his life. I said i was sorry and if I had it all to do over again I would do so much differently. Sometimes I wonder if I inadvertantly broke it off with him...

 

But I don't know. I also said that since we are "just friends" I would be ok with whatever he said. Bc that's the lable he put on the situation before , even tho we were sleeping together.

 

But I am keeping my distance because I at least deserved an answer to my questions. And he hasn't given me that. I am trying to learn how to deal with unanswered questions... but it's so damn hard.

 

Thank you so much for writng and listening. This relationship chaos is too tough for me . Sometimes I need to hear (read) someone else's opinion. So thanks.

[max003]

i know its hard, my similiar experience was with a really smooth, charming and clever bloke; who always knew the right things to say. Its just lines, in fact he's probably got a book full of them. I never got an explanation, and to be honest i didnt think i would. Its the lack of closure (i hate that word but cant think of anouther one) that leaves us chasing them, we hate it, but we just want a reason. thats perfectly okay. I still think about him sometimes, i guess you always want what you cant have. Chalk it down to experience and watch out for the nice ones next time!

[smile]

I tried to delete him from my buddy list but my computer must be worse off than me bc it didn't. He just signed on... and immediately signed off. Probably blocked me.

 

Pretty sucky man. I didn't do anything wrong. This blows.

 

So I should expect NOTHING from him? And that kinda cements it. What a wuss... to sign off so fast when all I ever asked for was the truth.

 

I guess I thought he was a better person than all of that. Makes it easier to let go when he is being so evasive and childish. Why be afraid of ME???

 

Blarghhhhhhhhhh..... sucky sucky suck suck suck!!!!!!!

[smile]

so it would be a bad idea if I wrote something to him? Like say a little message that says "its poopy that we can't at least be friends"? Or something on my livejournal I know he will read? Probably not huh?

 

I would really be ok with just friends. And the fact that I am rejected on BOTH levels really burns my hide. I just want to fix it...be friends whatever.

 

Dumb dumb dumb girl I am... I didn't write anything yet... I hope that my guy friend who is bringing me boxes tonight can shed some light on what the male ego needs/wants... and if time is gonna change anything or I am just a livelong villain in his eyes.

 

Damn.... why is grown up stuff so complicated? I won't corner him at work. That is a crazy girl idea that sometimes pops into my head. Why can I wave that one away and not the emails and stupid stuff I said.

 

I hate this... waiting sucks... I know I shouldn't be WAITING for ANYTHING but I can't believe he woudn't even want to be my friend. What with our mutual friends and the fact that this town is so small. I am not heartbroken because he is gone.. I am mad that he is avoiding me. Avoiding the discussion.

 

Maybe he is mad at the accusation. One we had gone over before. But this time he has shown me no reason to think otherwise.

 

BOOOOOOOOO my life right now. Well at least this part. I need a beer.