Cheated on her while away ...

[Guest]

Hey, I have been with my girl for almost 9 months now, and she has been the joy of my life since we met. I was away last week and ended up getting incredibly drunk and sleeping with a girl. I feel horrible and want to be honest with her, but feel that I will destroy her image of men (as her father has cheated on her mother at one point). She sees me as such a positive in her life, someone she can trust and depend on. I don't want to lose that ... when someone sees you for who you want to be, it's so hard to destroy that, even though it's the honest thing to do.

I am a person that highly values integrity, and it's as if my own self-image has been shattered by this.

Can I justify not telling her? I don't want to carry this burden of guilt, but I also do not want to subject her to such pain from my breach of trust.

 

Incredibly sad and sorry,

 

Dr. Jekyll

[fedup82]

Okay. this is a tough one. I believe honesty is the best policy, but I've heard that if this was a one time thing and you are truly sorry and believe it won't happen again because you know it was a mistake(on your part) then you shouldn't tell the person you're with just because by doing so, you're only wanting to get rid of your own guilt. it's better to keep that guilt rather than putting such a terrible load on your lovers shoulders. do you know what I'm talking about? It's almost a selfish thing to do by telling them. You'd think it'd be the opposite, but lets say you tell her. she'll lose all trust in you and this will probably end up being a constant issue between you two. But I'm sure there are others out there who will disagree and say you should tell her and then leave it up to her to decide if she'll stay or leave. If she does leave you, in a way, good for her because no one should be with someone who cheated on them, even if it was once. this is definitely a pickle. If she cheated on you while drunk, would you want to know the truth? Would you be able to forgive her and move past that? Also remember, being drunk is not an excuse for doing such things. That just shows you're irresponsible as well. So she won't be able to trust you whenever you want to go out with the guys and drink. Think about it for a while at least.

[Vertex]

I think if two people are in a relationship, if someone cheats, this is a negative action and should be explained to the other partner. I think it is unfair to keep such a thing a secret -- imagine being on the other end. Even if it were a one-time thing, I'd still want to know that such an action is not unthinkable for the other person doing the cheating. This person trusts you and I feel that truth by omission is still a lie and they deserve to know. It was a breach of trust and you should accept the responsibility that accompanies your actions.

 

A lot of people use the reasoning, "Well if my partner cheated on me drunk, I wouldn't want to know!" Well, can you assume your partner shares this view? This statement is not sufficient in justifying the concept of keeping it to yourself. You can either find out if she shares this view (however you want to go about this is up to you, although it's hard to bring up because it indirectly hints that you've already done such an act), or be honest with her.

[max003]

Dont tell her. she'll hate you and men for the rest of her life.

stop drinking and start treating her properly.

[catgirl1927]

You are probably just at the beginning of a pattern. If you cheat this time and get away with it, you'll do it again and again until you do get caught. It would cost her less emotionally to find out now than to invest several years in you and THEN find out it's been going on all this time.

[MadDog]

Two things:

 

1. Why do people always mention "I got incredibly drunk and did X horrible thing." Do they really think that makes it any less bad? I can see the scenario now:

 

Judge: "I am sentencing you to 4 consecutive life terms for first two counts of first degree murder."

 

Defendant: "But your honor, when it happened I was really drunk."

 

Judge: "Hmm. I see. I didn't realize that. That changes everything. In that case, I sentence you to a year of probation. Court adjourned."

 

Bottom line, drinking doesn't make you do anything you don't want to do. It just makes you less scared of the consequences. This means that you wanted to cheat but the only reason you haven't is because you feared the consequences.

 

2. You're not a person who values high integrity. You have no integrity. You're just tormented by guilt over your actions and you want it to go away. Sorry but I don't have much pity for you. You reap what you sow as they say.

 

Lightweights. If they can't handle the alcohol then they should just stay away.

 

MD

[blind_otter]

Bottom line, drinking doesn't make you do anything you don't want to do. It just makes you less scared of the consequences. This means that you wanted to cheat but the only reason you haven't is because you feared the consequences.

 

I have to disagree. But I'm also a recovering alcoholic, so I drank past the point of normal inebriation. This is a debate that could rage forever, but I know what I experienced personally.

 

So he subconsciously wanted to stray, and just waited until he had an excuse to cheat? Bbbbbbbunk.

 

I take it everyone here has been the cheatee, and not the cheater?

 

I've been both. And from my perspective, I'd rather not know.

 

I aslo know from my experience that you can cheat once and never again. It's not always a pattern.

[max003]

cheating is a habit, a pattern of behaviour. once done, it gets easier and easier and you feel less guilt because it becomes normal to you!

[blind_otter]

cheating is a habit, a pattern of behaviour. once done, it gets easier and easier and you feel less guilt because it becomes normal to you!

 

That's funny because I feel no urge to cheat. And I haven't for a long time.

 

You're kind of scaring me.

[MadDog]

That's funny because I feel no urge to cheat. And I haven't for a long time.

 

You're kind of scaring me.

 

There's nothing funny about cheating. It leads to a lot of misery. There's no way you can really make cheating seem like it's not that big of a deal and it's something a person can do once and never do again.

 

Whether a person will cheat or not is based on their morals. Years of upbringing and person experience is what forms those morals. Cheating is not a simple mistake (e.g. human error.) It's an indication of where your morals lie.

 

MD

[blind_otter]

There's nothing funny about cheating. It leads to a lot of misery. There's no way you can really make cheating seem like it's not that big of a deal and it's something a person can do once and never do again.

 

Whether a person will cheat or not is based on their morals. Years of upbringing and person experience is what forms those morals. Cheating is not a simple mistake (e.g. human error.) It's an indication of where your morals lie.

 

MD

 

I'm not laughing. And I think that is cr@p. I cheated, never did it again. I won't go into the reasons why, but all I can say is, you're wrong.

 

I've been cheated on as well. It didn't devestate me as much as it apparently hurts you.

[max003]

its odd that you should be scarred by that. almost freudian.

all the blokes i have known who cheat do it repeatedly and shamelessly. they even come onto their girlfs friends. they simply cant help themselves.

clearly they should be castrated (joke).

Ive been reading all these stories about women whose husbands cheat, they forgive them and the bastards do it again. one womans hubby did it 7 times, SEVEN TIMES!!! Anecdotal evidence perhaps, but it gives you an idea of the general pattern doesnt it?

[MadDog]

I'm not laughing. And I think that is cr@p. I cheated, never did it again. I won't go into the reasons why, but all I can say is, you're wrong.

 

I've been cheated on as well. It didn't devestate me as much as it apparently hurts you.

 

I've never been cheated on. I'm just tired of people who don't take responsibility for their actions. "I was an alcoholic. It caused me to cheat." I don't buy it.

 

MD

[blind_otter]

Are you guys totally missing the fact that I myself have cheated on someone when I was in a relationship? Because your replies to me seem slightly off.

 

In any event, I totally understand analyzing something, trying understand it, give it norms and structure -- so you can somehow control it, I guess. It's OK to want to feel safe in a relationship again, and it's NOT ok for someone to betray your trust like that.

 

The thing is -- that not every situation is exactly the same. There is no black and white, most especially with human behavior. My undergraduate internship in a forensic mental hospital definately made that blaringly clear.

 

But to say that this man is starting a pattern that will lead him into a life of ruin is jumping the gun, in my very humble opinion.

 

As far as I can see, this is a thread that has been replied to mainly by people who have been cheated on, who are projecting their personal beliefs, issues, and situation onto this guy.

 

That's all I'm saying.

[blind_otter]

I've never been cheated on. I'm just tired of people who don't take responsibility for their actions. "I was an alcoholic. It caused me to cheat." I don't buy it.

 

MD

 

You know what they say about opinions.

[kitten chick]

Sorry B_O but everyone I know that has cheated, including many of my friends, all have done it more than once. It doesn't mean they don't feel a whole host of negative feelings about it, but they often find themselves in the same situation over and over again.

 

btw, I'm talking about both men and women. not picking on either gender

[blind_otter]

Sorry B_O but everyone I know that has cheated, including many of my friends, all have done it more than once. It doesn't mean they don't feel a whole host of negative feelings about it, but they often find themselves in the same situation over and over again.

 

btw, I'm talking about both men and women. not picking on either gender

 

Ok, so why do I not feel the overwhelming urge to cheat? And why have I not cheated in any subsequent relationships?

 

I mean come on. If it's universally true, I should be out humping a random guy right now.

[kitten chick]

Ok, so why do I not feel the overwhelming urge to cheat? And why have I not cheated in any subsequent relationships?

 

I mean come on. If it's universally true, I should be out humping a random guy right now.

IME, some cheat constantly and consistently and some cheat much more sporadically (2 or 3 times throughout their lives).

[Vertex]

blind otter: While you are justified and entitled to your opinions especially regarding "I'd rather not know," not everyone has the same line of thought, as clearly denoted by this thread alone. Sometimes the other person has a completely view of cheating. Sometimes cheating can happen once and never again -- sometimes it's a pattern. It's erratic and it can't be reduced to a simple law.

 

No, there's no set pattern, and no, not everyone reacts to cheating/being cheated on in the same manner, but there is a certain objectivity surrounding the responsibility of the action. Being drunk is no excuse -- it's using one bad move to justify another. If it did excuse things, then I could just drink before I planned (while sober) to do something malicious and later claim I was too intoxicated to think straight during the time of action. Does this mean my sober deliberation is less worthy of punishment? Not at all. Drinking, drugs, etc... they do not provide a backdoor.

 

People who cheat need to realize that their partner has a certain level of trust in you. If you don't cheat, then there's nothing to say. If you do cheat, then they deserve to know what they are getting themselves in to. Many people I know have gotten married to find that years prior to having kids and starting a life they have been cheated on. It's unfair to the person cheated on because they did not know what they were signing up for. Realize that perhaps it is more fair for the person you're with to know -- does the other person not deserve the chance to find someone who he/she can trust and have mutual devotion?

[MadDog]

Ok, so why do I not feel the overwhelming urge to cheat? And why have I not cheated in any subsequent relationships?

 

I mean come on. If it's universally true, I should be out humping a random guy right now.

 

How long did the subsequent relationships last? Were you happy in them? It might be the lack of oppurtunity to cheat that has kept you from cheating as opposed to a completely revamped set of morals. How many opportunities did you have to cheat and how did you handle them?

 

MD

[blind_otter]

How long did the subsequent relationships last? Were you happy in them? It might be the lack of oppurtunity to cheat that has kept you from cheating as opposed to a completely revamped set of morals. How many opportunities did you have to cheat and how did you handle them?

 

MD

 

I don't want to have to go through this but I will anyways. I'm not going to answer your questions because they don't mean anything. I've had the opportunity many times, I don't do it. I chose not to.

 

I think your thinking in fundamentally flawed. As if people don't grow, or change? The growth impulse is instinctual.

 

I have changed completely. I am a much better person. I had a sub-acute seizure cluster which left me with permanent brain damage. I had to re-learn how to walk, talk, write, go to the bathroom by myself, or even speak. It was a long time I was completely helpless and had to have a caretaker.

 

This experience changed the way I looked at life, at other people, and at myself.

 

This thread is awful. I'm leaving. I feel sick. It's one thing to disagree with someone, and quite another to accuse me of things. That's weird, why do that? Does it make you feel better?

 

[catgirl1927]

I think that what b_o did was something that happened because she was struggling with the bigger issue of a serious, dangerous addiction. That is completely different than some jerk (M or F) that has a few drinks and says "Whaaa! I'm so sooorrry! I'm about to get caught!"

 

Sometimes people genuinely make mistakes. It's possible. I don't have a lot of faith in men as a whole. But as individuals I believe that people can screw up, learn from it and move forward. People generalize and it can seem insulting to someone with specific experience.

 

I think the OP was not as drunk as b_o is talking about. He obviously remembers the whole thing, I think he just doesn't want to take responsibility. "I don't want to carry this guilt around" is what makes ME think he isn't sorry. Not the fact that he cheated. I'm willing to wager this isn't the first time he's had an "accident" like this.

[MadDog]

I think the OP was not as drunk as b_o is talking about. He obviously remembers the whole thing, I think he just doesn't want to take responsibility. "I don't want to carry this guilt around" is what makes ME think he isn't sorry. Not the fact that he cheated. I'm willing to wager this isn't the first time he's had an "accident" like this.

 

Yeah he's not taking responsibility. Even how he talks about how he got drunk: "I ended up getting drunk." Like it was some kind of passive process where he showed up at the bar and they had vaporized alcohol in the air or something. I'm sure he went to the bar, ordered his 2 beers and got "wasted" which caused him to "end up" getting with that girl. He's truly a victim here.

 

MD