Guide to second chances.

[CaliGuy]

Ok, first off I am not expert in second chances, but I wanted to pass along what might possibly work the best. So many people here say give up and forget a second chance. I think pining around for a second chance leaves you no room for success.

 

So, I wrote this guide with all I have learned over the past several months of research and yes, I am implementing every single one of these points, including realizing that I may never get her back. Either way, I figure if I follow this guideline, I'll be better off in the long run, so that is what I am doing.

 

Now, keep in mind I didn't come up with all this stuff. Most of it is a compilation of expert opinions, personal experience and the experience of others who have made second chances happen - and work.

 

So, without further adieu, here you go. I'm open to constructive criticsm. I understand we have some "negative nannies" on here who will disagree vehemently with my advice, so be it. But I think if the guideline is followed either way you will come up a winner. You'll either get your ex back or you will find someone even better for you. Bottom line, this guideline to help you heal and become stronger as fast as you possibly can and above all, LEARN.

 

1. LET GO: Yes, I said LET GO. No matter how much you love and care for your ex, as long as you stay attached to them and are hoping/praying for a second chance, you will not follow the rest of the guideline and heal completely unless you first truly let go. The reason for this is allow your heart to heal, to focus on self-reflection and improvement and to get your mind and body in a state of happiness. No second chance will work if you are still pining and miserable over losing your ex.

 

2. NO CONTACT: That means exactly what it says. For the first month or two, you must never contact your ex under any circumstances. If you do, you will have to start the process over again. That means no emails/text/drunk dialing, etc. Now, that doesn't mean if they contact you that you should never reply (chose wisely) but if you do, make sure to keep any replies short, sweet and to the point. Take your time before replying, even several days. It's good to sleep on an email before replying so you have a clear head and are not replying with a ton of emotion. Never discuss the relationship during your healing phase and above all, DO NOT STALK YOUR EX. Do not try and find information about them. Whatever is going on in their life, you can't handle the information right now. Stay away from their web pages, blogs, etc. Don't talk to mutual friends (trust me, they will share any negative comments) Ignorance is bliss. Don't focus on who they are with and what they are doing. It will only torture you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and while they may be living it up with the new person in their life, chances are it's a rebound for them as well. It may take up to six months to a year for their new person's bad side to show through. In the meantime if you screw it up by clinging to them, bad mouthing them or otherwise stalking them, you will only serve to push them away even further. If you share a child with an ex, complete NC will be hard. Any conversations with your ex should focus on the child(ren) and remain, short, sweet and to the point. Absolutely no talk about the relationship. Remember that any conversations with your ex should be pleasurable ones. That is what they will remember. If you are constantly arguing with them or otherwise trying to cling to them and force them back to you, you will make it a painful experience and that is what they will associate with you. Happy/Fun/Pleasurable is good. Arguing/Clinging/Whining/Crying is very, very bad.

 

3. DO NOT BE FRIENDS: It is impossible to be friends with someone you are deeply in love with. It just won't work. All it will do is show your ex that you will accept second class treatment (in which any respect you had at that point from them will be lost). In addition it will delay your healing process. The longer you cling to hope, the longer it will take for you to truly let go and complete the healing process. I realize to some degree this is counter to your goal, winning them back, but is essential. Your ex doesn't want you all broken and shattered. Have you ever met someone on the rebound and dated them? If so, it probably didn't last long as you saw yourself feeling sorry for them. Their lack of confidence and self-respect is not attractive. Respect precedes love and you can not respect someone who doesn't respect themselves first. Also keep in mind you can not expect someone to love someone who doesn't love themself. And you can not make someone happy if you can not make yourself happy. Remember, all the good/healthy feelings you want your ex to feel about you will only come if you feel them about yourself first - and believe it.

 

4. FOCUS ON YOU: Allow for the normal grieving process, of course. How long it takes it completely dependent on you. The period of NO CONTACT will go a long way toward helping you focus on yourself and your healing. It doesn't matter what your ex is doing right now or who they are seeing. You need to let go of things you have no control over and unfortunately in your case, you are no longer dating so all you have left is you.

 

5. RE-ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH FRIENDS: Pick up your phone book or email list and start making contact with friends you haven't hung out with lately. Get out of the house and go hang out with them. Right now you're feeling down and out and a little quality time with your friends will go a long way towards healing your spirit. Do talk about the relationship with them if you wish, but don't dwell on it. If they are friends with your ex, realize anything you say (good or bad) will get back to them. Focus more on what they did to get over and ex and listen to any positive advice they give you. Primarily though you want to invest the time with friends to get your mind OFF your ex and more on fun and bonding. Make new friends as well.

 

6. GET TO THE GYM: It's a proven fact that no drug works better at getting someone out of depression faster than endorphins. I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more. While you have the feeling of being lonely, sex isn't the answer. At least not right now. Companionship is what you are missing and in the interim, talk to you friends and work out.

 

7. DIVE INTO HOBBIES: Now that you have some free time on your hands, rather than sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself, engage your mind. Do something you've always wanted to do as a hobby. Fly model airplanes, take up hiking or mountain climbing, start biking, take a college course in computers, play video games. Your mind can usually only focus on one thing at one time. Keeping your mind engaged on hobbies will take it off your ex.

 

8. PUT THE DRINK/DRUGS DOWN: Yes, it's ok to occasionally go out with friends and have a drink, but don't over-do it. Drinking heavily leads to depression which will not only delay your healing process, but quite possibly throw you into an un-recoverable downward spiral. Not only that but it will put you out of shape and you will lose any gains from working out.

 

9. REBUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM: It's normal to be dumped and have your self-esteem and confidence take a hit. Those who recover the fastest are those who have the strongest self of self-worth. Many relationships end in failure and not all of us were meant to be together. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you focus on your needs and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the sooner you will recover - and be stronger.

 

10. UNDERSTAND WHAT WENT WRONG: Instead of focusing on what your Ex did to cause the demise of the relationship, focus on learning a lesson and improving where you can. If you became clingy, then rebuild your confidence. Understand that you don't NEED someone in your life. You can and will live fine without them. You must never NEED someone, only want them. I can not emphasize personal improvement enough. Almost every aspect of our life in regards to success can be directly attributed to our confidence and self-esteem. At healthy levels, we will find much success in everything we do. When the levels are below healthy, we often find failure. Not because of the situation, but because of how we viewed ourselves. If you are a clingy guy, some essential reading: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and any of "David DeAngelo's" stuff. Pay less attention to the pickup lines and focus on his insistence on confidence and self-esteem. He's dead right on everything he says in regards to confidence. Remember boys: No woman respects a man who constantly kisses her ass. The same can be said of women. If you kiss a mans ass, he will lose interest in you quickly. You must have mutual respect for each other and that can not be had with ass-kissing.

 

11. LEARN BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are essential for anyone with healthy confidence, self respect and self-esteem. Learn to make boundaries clear from the start of a relationship and have repercussions for crossing them. When you set a boundary, it is imperative for you to follow through on your actions. If you make it clear to someone you are dating that if they say they are going to meet you somewhere at a certain time and don't, make it clear it better not happen again. People whom you allow to cross your boundaries with no repercussions will lose respect for you and continue to cross them. Remember again, RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Without respect, there can not be love. Read "Love Must Be Tough" for more information on boundaries and why they are essential. Boundaries are not just for relationships. They are essential at home, at work and throughout your life.

 

12. NEVER TELL YOURSELF NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU: That's a self-defeatist attitude that not only will keep you down, but is just outright WRONG. There is someone out there that will love you in the way you want. You just have to find them. And you certainly won't find them if you are wallowing in self-doubt and pity. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps! You have plenty to live for and while no one likes to go through a bad breakup, it's almost an essential part of life. How else are you going to learn the lessons of love without going through the hard knocks? Trust me, as long as you learn something from the relationship and self-improvement you are almost guaranteed greater success the next time. You will have learned valuable lessons to guide your future relationships. And, if you have rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem you will naturally attract those with the same qualities. Remember (especially guys) that attraction while initially might be based on looks will never last without you have strong confidence and self-esteem. However, you can attract and keep a great woman in your life without having great looks, as long as you do have strong confidence and self-esteem.

 

13. ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS JUST AREN'T MEANT TO BE: Keep in mind that you may follow this guideline to a "T" and in the end and still the may never come back. Some people are just not meant to be together. But don't get discouraged. Use this experience to guide all future relationships. How much do you love your ex? Do you love them enough to want them to be happy even if it's not with you? To me, that is the true test of love. Not only do you love them unconditionally, warts and all, but that you want them to be happy with or without you. There is someone out there for you, but until your confidence and self-esteem is at healthy levels, until your life is full of happiness and fun, until you realize that you have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy, you won't find them. People with all those positive attributes don't have to look for a mate, they usually find them.

 

Best of luck to you all!

[amaysngrace]

okay Cali, i have to ask you a question. please don't think i'm weird. you look so familiar to me, like someone i knew a while back. just please answer me this one question: do your first and last name start with the same letter?

[Roarz]

I was/am following this to the letter and it really does make you feel a lot better, even if you never get them back. I have to emphasize not looking on their webpages, it's the worst mistake besides breaking NC you can make.

 

Anyway, I had a question for Caliguy and anyone to answer. It's kind of a threadjack but kind of on topic as well, as I'm sure other people wonder about this too. Is 3 months after a breakup still considered a rebound? Where's the line that determines a rebound and a normal start? Also...in my case (I stupidly looked but that was a while ago), if the ex has written on their webpage about their new BF/GF that they are "so in love" and they have "never been happier" with this person, is that just the honeymoon stage talking and just a lot of fluff, or when people write that are they serious? I get caught up in taking things written on those things more seriously than they probably should which is pretty much the only thing that gets me down these days (which is why I don't look anymore).

 

And I guess another...women, they say once they make up their mind about a guy they never change it. True or false? Any women comment on this?

[mitchilicious]

DAMN CALIGUY.....ure so expert in this matter....im so amazed....and thanks....i would learn from it too....in my experience...i hardly let go of my ex's b/c we still communicate....and i agree wd you when its over there no way in turning back again......

[jerbear]

Caliguy,

 

I want to publically say thank you.

[CaliGuy]

amaysngrace: Nope, not me. Some people have said I look like the guy from Terminator 2 or Wayne Gretzsky, kind of a mix between the two.

 

Roarz: There is no set time for a rebound. If she was truly in love, three months might be too soon. If she wasn't in love, then really, there isn't a rebound in place. If she's writing how much she is in love with the new guy so fast, suffice to say it's puppy love and she hasn't the faintest clue what real love is. A sign of immaturity. 3 Months is the honeymoon phase. Months 4-6 the real "you" comes out and if they make it past that and still all over each other, then chances are it will last a while longer. Forget her though. Move on, let go and heal yourself

 

Mitch: There's no turning back from your vantage point. If they want to come back, then you can decide what you want to do. But we all must go on as if they never will come back because odds are, they won't. I wrote the guide to show people how to heal because if a second chance does happen, you might be so healed up you won't even want them anymore.

 

Jer: Thank you

[chocolate_boy]

Excellent advice dude. Must have taken some typing!

[KittenMoon]

I'm in the worst mood right now because I want a second chance with my ex-bf and I know he just wants me out of his life right now.

 

And recently I've been realizing that I miss him- but not the person he's been over the past several months. I miss the happy person I used to know.

 

Anyways, I may have already screwed up any chance at a second chance according to this list. Boo.

[alphamale]

So, I wrote this guide

what's with you and all these "guides"?!?

[CaliGuy]

Chocolate_boy: Thanks, it took a bit but as I read over it I have found some grammatical errors. Hard to type and get work done as well

 

KittenMoon: Follow the guide closely. Right now, it doesn't matter if you get a second chance unless you're completely healed. When/if that happens you may find yourself not wanting him anyway.

 

Alpha: I like writing guides?! Haha. I don't know. I was fascinated at why second chances almost never work and came to the conclusion it's because we don't love and respect ourselves and lack healthy confidence levels. That's why this guide came to be. It's really nothing new. Just everything we're learning here compiled into some basic information on how to fix yourself, before you can fix a second chance

[suudelma]

Thank you so much!

 

My boyfriend broke up with me one and a half weeks ago after one year of happiness, love and quarrels about little things. He said that he is not in love anymore. In our case, I have realized that our communication could have been better, but I still think that we could have worked it out.

 

After the breakup I cried for a couple of days and we talked a lot during that time. However, since Wednesday evening last week (that is, nine days ago) I haven't contacted him at all. And thanks to your column I won't contact him either. Thank you for giving me good thoughts about this!

 

Well, last Saturday he actually called me, even though he (yes, he!!) had said that we shouldn't contact each other for some time (on Wednesday evening). He said that he just wanted to ask how I was.

 

Now I am going out to have a drink with some female friends. And hey, that ex that you want back - she should know what she is missing! You are something!

 

Take care!

 

*Freedom is beautiful, no matter what it looks like*

[amaysngrace]

Nope, not me

 

i'm glad you're not him CaliGuy. he was slightly perverted.

[Vertex]

Oh my god I felt like this post was written just for me. Every one of those things are questions floating in my head right now (I just recently broke up)... thank you so much

[kaunis]

Thank you so much! My boyfriend (30) broke up with me (27) one and a half weeks ago after one year of happiness, love and little quarrels and misunderstandings that came from unsureness on both sides (we both come from broken, although financially stable, homes). We had some problems in communication, but we had grown to understand each other better and better, I thought. Well, the bomb dropped when he told me that he is not in love with me, although I will always be in his heart. I cried and talked to him for hours during two days, but since last Wednesday evening (that is, nine days now) I haven’t contacted him at all. It is hard sometimes, but life has to go on and I am so thankful for your good advice! I will continue not contacting him, since I think he needs time to think. Well, last Saturday he called me, even though he (yes, he!) had said that we shouldn’t have any contact for some time. We talked for about ten minutes, I was cheerful and we talked about what we had done the last few days. He said that he called to see how I was. I said that I was glad that he called, that I was fine and so we simply hang up. You seem to be such a wonderful guy! Your ex is surely missing something. I will follow your advice and now I am going out for a drink with some female friends.  Take care!

[CaliGuy]

i'm glad you're not him CaliGuy. he was slightly perverted.

 

Haha, that's good. I'm a good, inncocent man. I really am.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you so much! My boyfriend (30) broke up with me (27) one and a half weeks ago after one year of happiness, love and little quarrels and misunderstandings that came from unsureness on both sides (we both come from broken, although financially stable, homes). We had some problems in communication, but we had grown to understand each other better and better, I thought. Well, the bomb dropped when he told me that he is not in love with me, although I will always be in his heart. I cried and talked to him for hours during two days, but since last Wednesday evening (that is, nine days now) I haven’t contacted him at all. It is hard sometimes, but life has to go on and I am so thankful for your good advice! I will continue not contacting him, since I think he needs time to think. Well, last Saturday he called me, even though he (yes, he!) had said that we shouldn’t have any contact for some time. We talked for about ten minutes, I was cheerful and we talked about what we had done the last few days. He said that he called to see how I was. I said that I was glad that he called, that I was fine and so we simply hang up. You seem to be such a wonderful guy! Your ex is surely missing something. I will follow your advice and now I am going out for a drink with some female friends.  Take care!

 

Thanks Kaunis. My ex won't know what she is missing as long as she is dating someone else, nor will anyone's.

 

That's why healing yourself and making yourself stronger and more attractive (by being confident, fun, happy and self-assured) is so important. Being stuck in a rut, feeling sorry for yourself and such not only keeps you from having a second chance, but may cause you to miss out the right person for you.

 

Keep your chin up. Life is GREAT, even without the one you love. It's just a matter of time before you find someone better

[CaliGuy]

Oh my god I felt like this post was written just for me. Every one of those things are questions floating in my head right now (I just recently broke up)... thank you so much

 

Thanks Vertex. Now that you have the information, how are you going to approach your situation?

 

I am curious to know what people have been doing that is working for them and what isn't, and what they are going to change.

 

Thanks!

[alphamale]

I am curious to know what people have been doing that is working for them and what isn't, and what they are going to change.

!

hey CG!!! Can you write me a guide to getting laid by gorgeous female models between the ages of 21 to 25 without spending any money?

[TravelLight]

hey CG!!! Can you write me a guide to getting laid by gorgeous female models between the ages of 21 to 25 without spending any money?

 

Hey, you're the Alphamale; surely you don't need such a guide

 

All this advice is totally spot on. One thing I think that is important to remember is that when you start doing this stuff it might feel like it's not working because you're consumed by the breakup. But what you're doing is laying the foundations and it really does pay off in the end. Excersise, new hobbies etc, you will see the results after a while. Keep the faith!

 

Second chances, who knows?

 

I guess what's holding me back is that the breakup was messy and we couldn't talk calmly and respectfuly to each other. I'm still missing some answers but maybe I'll never get them.

 

I also hope she's OK but I'm not in a position to know.

 

Keep up the good work.

[KittenMoon]

Thanks Vertex. Now that you have the information, how are you going to approach your situation?

 

I am curious to know what people have been doing that is working for them and what isn't, and what they are going to change.

 

Thanks!

 

 

This is tough! I feel like there is so many things I could do, and yet so few at the same time!

 

My biggest change has been a new writing class. I think I will try to jumpstart my novel again as well. I also want to continue a diet, since I've lost about 10lbs already, and I've begun exercising again. I'd like one of these days to be able to wear a bathing suit without being scared, because I am rather insecure about my body (being a girl is fun...) I'd also like to make some new friends, but I'm at a loss at how to do this, as I'm well out of college, my interests and hobbies generally attract only an older crowd, and I have no interest in the bar scene. People are trying to get me to travel, but that's not much on my mind yet.

 

What is everyone else doing for self-improvement? I need more ideas to take up my time!!!

[CaliGuy]

hey CG!!! Can you write me a guide to getting laid by gorgeous female models between the ages of 21 to 25 without spending any money?

 

It's already been written! Look up "Double your Dating" by David DeAngelo. He knows what he is talking about

[CaliGuy]

This is tough! I feel like there is so many things I could do, and yet so few at the same time!

 

My biggest change has been a new writing class. I think I will try to jumpstart my novel again as well. I also want to continue a diet, since I've lost about 10lbs already, and I've begun exercising again. I'd like one of these days to be able to wear a bathing suit without being scared, because I am rather insecure about my body (being a girl is fun...) I'd also like to make some new friends, but I'm at a loss at how to do this, as I'm well out of college, my interests and hobbies generally attract only an older crowd, and I have no interest in the bar scene. People are trying to get me to travel, but that's not much on my mind yet.

 

What is everyone else doing for self-improvement? I need more ideas to take up my time!!!

 

Hobbies, Friends, etc. That's the best way to fill your time. Writing a novel would be an excellent way to pass time as well.

 

Be vigilant with your exercise program. I can't emphasize that enough! It makes you feel better mentally and physically and it makes you more attractive to the opposite (or same, haha) sex.

 

Don't worry about being attractive to the older crowd. You don't have to marry an older guy or anything but it might not hurt to date someone more on your maturity level.

 

As for second chances, you'll see the testimonies here time and time again. They seem to happen most often when we've healed completely and are just ready to move on.

 

Focus on your self-improvement because even if there is no second chance with your ex, you will be more attractive to someone else and in the end, you may wonder what you ever saw in your ex to begin with

[Art_Critic]

Focus on your self-improvement because even if there is no second chance with your ex, you will be more attractive to someone else and in the end, you may wonder what you ever saw in your ex to begin with

 

Cali,

 

Not to throw a wrench into the spokes..

But why is it that you think the person that has been dumped needs to do any self-improvement ??

 

If they dated a putz or a biotch then they most likely have nothing wrong with them that they need to improve on..

 

Care to enlighten me ?

 

A little introspection as to why the relationship self destructed is all that is needed..

[KittenMoon]

You don't have to marry an older guy or anything but it might not hurt to date someone more on your maturity level.

)

 

 

Hahaha- I don't know if I could date a much older guy. But I find this humourous because my mom was asking me if I had met anyone in my writing class I could be friends with. I got a laugh out of that because so far the people I've gotten the most friendly with are older guys with wives and kids- I told my mom this and I was like "I don't think these are the kinda guys I should be making good friends with- if only because I wouldn't want my husband hanging out with a 24-yr old chick".

[KittenMoon]

Cali,

 

Not to throw a wrench into the spokes..

But why is it that you think the person that has been dumped needs to do any self-improvement ??

 

If they dated a putz or a biotch then they most likely have nothing wrong with them that they need to improve on..

 

Care to enlighten me ?

 

A little introspection as to why the relationship self destructed is all that is needed..

 

 

I don't think he means that the self-improvement should be done to attract others, simply that it often becomes a positive side effect of improving yourself, while in the meantime it helps you heal from the break-up.