time apart

[kim]

well me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and 5 months. This past week things have been a little weird for us. Although we have been dating all this time, we haven't really gotten that close to one another. Sure we know the basics about one another, but we have a hard time expressing our feelings. He is upset about the fact that I cannot completely trust him, and I am upset because I feel like if he really loved me like he says that he does he would spend more time alone with me. the only time that we spend alone with each is from like 1-4am on the weekends, after we have hung out with a lot of people in a group or whatever. he makes a lot of time to go out with his friends, and invites me to come along, but when it comes to spending a whole night just with each other it happens about once a month. So I think that is a major part of why i can't trust him. I do love him very much, and we have more good times together than bad. On Saturday night after we went out with a bunch of our friends we decided that we should take a little time to figure things out between us. We aren't broken up right now, but things obviously are not the best. I asked him if he just wanted to end our relationship, and he said no. But he doesn't know if we can work all this out. I love him so much, and I feel like it we both made an effort we could work out. My questions to anyone who takes the time to read this is: Am I completely at fault? Does it sound like we have a chance of surviving with each other? Does it sound like he truly cares about me? Can two people learn to communicate with one another, after being together for over a year? I know that it is probably tough to guess on what a person is thinking, but i need some advice from someone who has been through something like this before, and even those who have not. Please anyone write me back and let me know your opinion.

[Daisy]

How old are you? How old is he? I think age might have a lot to do with how you guys are handling this, but I can't be quite sure. And by that, I mean maturity levels.

[midori]

My questions to anyone who takes the

time to read this is: Am I completely at fault?

No, why would you think that? Neither one of you seem to be doing anything to create emotional intimacy in the relationship. You're equally responsible. Getting a grip on your own doubts & insecurities, trust issues, etc. is good, definitely. But don't let those issues stand as excuses or obstacles: identify them, acknowledge their impact and find ways to get around them. Your boyfriend should be doing the same.

Does it sound like we have a chance of surviving with each other?

Sure, if you're willing to take a risk and make yourselves vulnerable by opening up to each other.

Does it sound like he truly cares about me?

Yes, he probably does. But if he's not able or willing to change he way he's interacting with you (i.e. keeping you at arm's length) then it won't matter whether or not he cares about you because the relationship won't evolve. On the contrary, it will probably slowly wither as you each grow frustrated and dissatisfied with what you're getting out of it.

Can two people learn to communicate with one another, after being together for over a year?

I think so IF both parties are appreciative of the need for change, and ready and willing to undertake it. It requires a change in perspective, in how one views one's partner (a real friend, a confidant? someone to sleep with, hang out with and have nice times? can it be both?). It also requires a shift in priorities -- the relationship with one's partner needs to be maintained, and that may necessitate spending less time hanging out with friends, watching television or whatever other filler activities currently eat up your time.

 

Good luck. This won't be easy I'm sure. The essential thing would seem to be communication. Honesty and a no-fault approach would be good too I think. It will take time and effort. It'll be worth it if it works out.

[kim]

thanks to the two of you who responded to my post. I just wanted to let you know that I am 21 and he is 23. He told me that he is really immature, and so am I. We have a lot more good times than bad, but we also have this problem or trust and communication. I feel like we can get through it. I know that he cares about me, but still in the back of my mind I am so afraid that in a week or whatever when we talk again he might say that its over. Which I don't want at all. I do love him very much. He usually is telling me that he loves me all the time, and when we do have a chance to go out alone with each other, we ALWAYS have a great time. I just want it to work out. Do you think that if he doesn't call me by the weekend I should call him and see what's up? Or should I just wait and see if he calls me. And if he never does than it wasn't meant to be? I can't see just stopping dating all of a sudden after a year and five months of being together. If anyone has any other comments about my situation please send me a response.