orpheus Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 My soon to be ex and I are in what I assume are the final stages of divorce proceedings. Our separation went very well for the most part. Talked most days about the kids or other things. Nothing unusual. Things seemed to be going well until the idea of spousal support came up. I, like most in the situation, was not interested in entertaining the idea as she is employed in a nice paying job that pays her what most would consider a good salary. The issue is that I make more. So my hopes of a nice clean settlement went awry as she and her lawyer kind of went off the deep end with their request which would essentially put me in a situation where I would have unable to support myself even though I make a high 5 figure salary. She is very angry with me that I told her that I didn’t think she deserved spousal support over an above what I will be paying for the kids. We share parent the kids but I still have to pay her $500-700 per month child support. With the child support and her salary her income will be over $50,000 pre tax. This is a little more than half my gross. This is all after I offered to give her all the stuff we have. That I want to start over and they could have everything, I just wanted the ability to start a new life. Does anyone have any experience with spousal support? I find it very ironic that the reason that she wants a divorce is that she feels that I am too controlling of her life and she wants to be more independent. Sounds funny eh? The reality is she is very angry with me. I word of advice to those of you who are in a similar situation, don’t get on with repairing your lives until the papers are signed. The moment the other spouse sees’s you happier than they are, the gloves come off. Look miserable when you are around them. Listen to every sad country and western song you can think of and anytime they ask how you are doing tell them lousy, you are lost and don’t know what you are doing. Oh, and don’t find anyone else that may make you happy until the papers are signed. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 $500-700 per month child support. $500-700 isn't very much child support for 2 kids if your are making a high 5 figure salary. It can cost $600 a month just for day care. So you feel that raising the children she should go into a negative cash flow ? She is having to adjust her life style.. I think it is time for you to do the same Link to post Share on other sites
Author orpheus Posted March 25, 2006 Author Share Posted March 25, 2006 The $500-700 is on top of half of all their expenses such as child care clothes etc. We share them half time each so my expenses are expected to be the same as hers except I pay her $500-700 on top. If she had sole custody I would be paying her $1200-1300 per month. I am not sure I understand your last comment. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 The $500-700 is on top of half of all their expenses such as child care clothes etc. We share them half time each so my expenses are expected to be the same as hers except I pay her $500-700 on top. If she had sole custody I would be paying her $1200-1300 per month. I am not sure I understand your last comment. The courts look at what is ultimately best for the kids.....ie-maintaining an equal standard of living in both households-at least temporarily. Which, I believe AC was pointing out, downsizing in both houses. My ex makes a (very) low 5 figure salary and pays $500----and would have to pay half of daycare. However, I do have sole custody of her. But I don't think your amount is at all unreasonable. What is your question concerning spousel support? Link to post Share on other sites
Author orpheus Posted March 25, 2006 Author Share Posted March 25, 2006 They are asking for spousal support of $900 per month and to take over all family debt. It would basically leave me with $500 a month for house (mortgage or rent), food, and my share of my kids expenses. While at the same time she will have $2300 a month left after her mortgage payment. I realize that it was just a first position from them, which was counter to my proposal which was giving her 3/4 of the family equity rather than half in lue of spousal support. I just think that it is sad how someone could take such a damaging approach to what was up until a couple of weeks ago a very workable relationship. I fully expect to scale back live styles. I am living in a small two bedroom apt while she is still in the family home. Her livestyle has improved since the separation as she now has more disposible income as I have taken most of the debt. My questions regarding spousal support refers to whether there is a income basis or is it the courts intention to equalize incomes? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 How spousal support is determined depends upon your state laws. When I divorced the ex I was initially paying $1,000 a month for our two youngest children (which eventually increased to $1,250 a month) as well as $500 a month in spousal support. Fortunately, the ex remarried before the ink was dry on the final divorce order and that ended spousal support for all time. I also took on all the family debt, paid for medical, dental and vision care insurance for the children, as well as half of any out-of-pocket medical expenses and the ex also got half of my retirement funds. It was never enough for her even though she'd never had a job. For many years thereafter she continued to try to get more money from me, especially when I married my wife who was in the same profession I am and made almost as much money as I did. The ex finally lost custody of our youngest daughter (the only remaining minor) two years ago and I permitted her to live with her next oldest sister and now give the girls $700 a month for her support and will until she graduates from high school in June. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 Now a days, lawyers just want to screw it to ya. I don't know her side of the story, so I can't take yours. But, I'm serious, there are some crazy lawyers out there! It all becomes a huge competition for them. Let's see how much we can screw your H over. It's such a shame. If it get's too out of hand, she should fire her lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 what a f***ing rip, no reason to try and resolve it nicely if she's going to pull this s*** Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 what a f***ing rip, no reason to try and resolve it nicely if she's going to pull this s*** Yeesh...way to add fuel to the fire. And the reason to resolve it amicably is because of the kids. O, of course they expect a counter proposal. I find it very hard to believe that any court would leave you with $500 to cover your living expenses. No way. I know whereof I speak--I recently went through a divorce where my ex-husband was making (that year-usually earned much, much more-owns his business) around 200,000 and I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. But, usually or in my case, they had us each come up with a monthly budget and worked off of that. Courts way of thinking.....kids trump money. You both (if left up to the courts) will be hurting somewhat concerning $. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 Women feel they are entitled to a man's money. I can see supporting the kids but if she wants to be so damn independent let her support herself. And people wonder why I am making my fiance sign a prenup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author orpheus Posted March 26, 2006 Author Share Posted March 26, 2006 I guess what I don't quite understand is, if someone is employed with a good income and their spouse is willing to provide them more assets to ensure they are treated fairly and to acknowledge their contribution. Thier lifestyle will be better after the divorse as the other is taking most of the debt. Why would the courts feel that equalizing incomes is appropriate? Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 people wonder why I am making my fiance sign a prenup. excellent move, wish I had done the same Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 how long were you both married? in some states, there is a ten year minimum before alimony will be considered. i'm confused. if she has a job and you share custody and are paying support for the kids, why would she (or the courts) expect you to support her too? that doesn't sound right. Link to post Share on other sites
My_Other_I Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 I thought she asked for the divorce? She seems vindictive to me. I left my xH with a camping bag full of clothes and a mattress because I wanted out. I don't understand. If it was her decision and you've been civil enough, why doesn't she just let go of it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 Paying child support is fine, but asking for spousal support is WRONG of her and she knows this too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author orpheus Posted March 26, 2006 Author Share Posted March 26, 2006 how long were you both married? in some states, there is a ten year minimum before alimony will be considered. i'm confused. if she has a job and you share custody and are paying support for the kids, why would she (or the courts) expect you to support her too? that doesn't sound right. It is the last bit of control she has over me. She wanted the divorse and after several attempts at trying to get back together I finally gave up. I've now moved on. When she brought up spousal support I simply said that she could have everything and that money and stuff was not important to me. That I just wanted to move on and start a new life and be a good parent to my kids and hopefully have a good working relationship with her and find someone else that would give me the love she never did. The financial structure that I presented to her would make her better off than she has ever been during our 18 years together. However, she knows that having me pay spousal support will be a way to ensure that I don't get on with my life. It is simply to damage me. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 I've now moved on. The financial structure that I presented to her would make her better off than she has ever been during our 18 years together. However, she knows that having me pay spousal support will be a way to ensure that I don't get on with my life. It is simply to damage me. i feel really bad for you. do you have a lawyer? if you do, since the divorce was HER idea, why don't you ask for spousal support yourself?? this way it will pretty much assure that none of you will get it. i think you're within your rights to do so, seeing as how you'll be sharing custody, and she worked during your marriage and contributed. you have come to depend on her income, as she has yours. it's worth a shot. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 Why not get yourself a good lawyer and fight this? I know you just want to move on but don't take this lying down. My ex tried to claim I abused her until my lawyer got her to admit that she was lying. From that day on the female judge had it in for her and I got out unscathed. If I had not fought it I might have been up a creek and I suggest you fight this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author orpheus Posted March 27, 2006 Author Share Posted March 27, 2006 I meet with my lawyer tomorrow to try and figure this mess out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 In equalizing the income it makes the lifestyle for the kids as same with her as it when they are with you. If she's getting the house though I think a good lawyer could argue. If she works I'm not sure she's even due spousal support. Spousal support is usually granted when one spouse hasn't worked for years or has only held low paying part time jobs or such because of being unable to update education or experience due to raising the kids. Like in the case of a woman who was a stay at home mom who had never had a job and then her husband up and leaves her after 20 years of marriage. She doesn't have the education and experience to get a great job and perhaps has to go back to school, so it's awarded for a certain period of time. If you're hasty to move on then that's where they are putting the screws to you. Do you already have another woman and they know about her?? Well, then that's the price you pay for moving on at this point- or so they are reasoning. I left my exhusband and I took virtually nothing. I just wanted out. I'd been married over 10 years but didn't ask for or receive any spousal support. We split custody and he pays for daycare and covers them on insurance- no child support. I personally think this is a tactic- they are pushing this because they know you want to move on with your life. You'll need to decide- do you want to keep fighting this or do you want it over?? Link to post Share on other sites
1Gravity Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 If you think the impact on YOU is bad, wait 15 years and see what happens to your kids. You think that you are doing the right thing by them and that you want what's best for them. Read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" and see if you still think your divorce is in THEIR best interest. I'm married for 17 years now and it sucks. I know that I'm gonna pay big time when we divorce but I'm gonna be there for my kids to try to save them from some of the typical stuff COD suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Yet another reason not to get married! Link to post Share on other sites
Author orpheus Posted April 24, 2006 Author Share Posted April 24, 2006 If you think the impact on YOU is bad, wait 15 years and see what happens to your kids. You think that you are doing the right thing by them and that you want what's best for them. Read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" and see if you still think your divorce is in THEIR best interest. I'm married for 17 years now and it sucks. I know that I'm gonna pay big time when we divorce but I'm gonna be there for my kids to try to save them from some of the typical stuff COD suffer. My kids are old enough to know the difference between a good and bad situation. Sure, my kids would love to have two loving parents that are still a couple, but they have also said they didn't want what they had as well. Two parents that didn't get along. As tough as it has been, staying together would have been a misstake. My oldest kid has a friend who parents are getting back together after a one year separation. The kid went from a happy child to a stressed out, depressed child in weeks. Clearly the parents feel they are doing the right thing by getting back together but the impact on the child say otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 I know of a recently dirvorced couple. Long time friends of mine and not to get into specifics, but the Wife is the cheater, left H and is already engaged to the OM, all of this in less than a year. Anyway... They did not get lawyers, but did the paperwork themselves and were quite cordial about it, and agreed on everything. Came down to Him paying $2800 per month for support and maintance. She gets the house, he keeps his business. They split the CC dept and 2nd mortgage. They have jpint custody of the kids and share days equally. Judge looked over the paperwork and said....NO WAY...H was paying too much. So now his final legal payment is $1560 per month total and he owes 40K on the 2nd mortage, which he has ten years to payoff. So now she is just hurting for money, ask for extra all the time. But he is staying firm and said, you got your money already, and you choose this, NOT me....he actually said, "You left this gravy train, not me" She works partime, has a $1500 month house payment and $700 per month car payment. She refuses to sell the vehicle and if she sold the house, she might break even cause there is no equity due to 2nd mortage they took out to fix up the house. My buddy (the H) is a very decent man, and hey, she fell oput of love, found an OM and wanted the D. He has accepted it and is moving on.....as for the Wife....I here she is unsure of getting married to the OM and that she realises she made a HUGE mistake.....and now is feeling the money problems that come with divorce Personally, I feel nothing for her....she choose this, and now finally my buddy is holding his ground after years of being walked on....good for him Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 I know of a recently dirvorced couple. Long time friends of mine and not to get into specifics, but the Wife is the cheater, left H and is already engaged to the OM, all of this in less than a year. Anyway... They did not get lawyers, but did the paperwork themselves and were quite cordial about it, and agreed on everything. Came down to Him paying $2800 per month for support and maintance. She gets the house, he keeps his business. They split the CC dept and 2nd mortgage. They have jpint custody of the kids and share days equally. Judge looked over the paperwork and said....NO WAY...H was paying too much. So now his final legal payment is $1560 per month total and he owes 40K on the 2nd mortage, which he has ten years to payoff. So now she is just hurting for money, ask for extra all the time. But he is staying firm and said, you got your money already, and you choose this, NOT me....he actually said, "You left this gravy train, not me" She works partime, has a $1500 month house payment and $700 per month car payment. She refuses to sell the vehicle and if she sold the house, she might break even cause there is no equity due to 2nd mortage they took out to fix up the house. My buddy (the H) is a very decent man, and hey, she fell oput of love, found an OM and wanted the D. He has accepted it and is moving on.....as for the Wife....I here she is unsure of getting married to the OM and that she realises she made a HUGE mistake.....and now is feeling the money problems that come with divorce Personally, I feel nothing for her....she choose this, and now finally my buddy is holding his ground after years of being walked on....good for him Link to post Share on other sites
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