Abuse & Acting badly - connection?

[destination_unknown]

I find this really hard to say, but there are so many wise people here i think somebody might be able to shed some light on whats been blighting my life and stunting i think everything i try to do.

 

i was sexually abused by a relative when i was six. i also found out that my brother sexually abused my sisters. (i found that out when i was 12). im 24 now. when i was 17 i overdosed and had been cutting, and when i was 19 i was on the verge of suicide attempt again but got myself into hospital. i spent 2 months in hospital the first time and 3 months the second. i never told the psychiatrists about the abuse. (they were men that really intimidated me and were really clinical, one of them told me i should just masterbate more because thats what cutting was.)

 

i also really hate saying this because i feel like its a betrayal but i think my mom has alot to do with alot of the crap thats happened. she has always been really sick but she is an alcoholic as well. i mean she is a good mom but she is broken too (her dad left when she was 6 months old, she didnt meet him til she was 30). there was alot of physical fighting before i was about 9, and then it kinda calmed down.

 

well, when i was growing up i always did feel a bit strange but i think most kids feel that in some way. i was a straight A kid and played sports etc. it was when i got to about 15/16 that the proverbial sh*t hit the fan.

 

i started drinking, and i dont mean normal teenage drinking, i mean i was able to drink 1.5 litres of cider at the age of sixteen. i binge drank like this every weekend. my parents were away every weekend and i was with my sister so nobody really knew i was getting drunk all the time. alot of the time i would do that ridiculous cry all over the place thing that drunks do and i slept with guys i didnt really want to. i was just completely spun outta control and i never thought about my behaviour, i dont know if i really thought anything. by the time i was twenty i could down 9 pints and do the same number of shots. im about 5"2' and weigh less than 105. you can imagine the state i would get myself in.

 

when i was 20, (a couple of months out of hospital) a man came into my life who really loved me and at first i just didnt really think about him, i was with him but didnt think about it, the way i didnt think about my behaviour. i mean, i would feel ashamed but i couldnt figure out why i was such a bad person or how to make myself a good person with values like everyone else. i cheated on him when i was drunk, talked crap to him when i was drunk, humiliated him. i hate saying that, i really really hurt him and i have tried to imagine what he must have went through with me and it physically hurts so it must have hurt him deeply. let me just say i fvucked up royally with this man, and i did grow to love him deeply. i treated him so terribly i cant even describe. if i had one wish in this life it would be to be able to repair the damage i did to him.

 

thankfully, i think im definitely on the road to being a better person now. i know the world dont owe me anything, lots of people have sh*tty childhoods. and i know that i own my actions and they can not be dictated by the past. no excuses. i dont cut and though sometimes i have fleeting thoughts of suicide (only when things get real bad) i know i will never act on them. i know that those bouts of pain are just temporary and i just gotta live through them. (learned that in the lock up ward - got no choice but to just sit it out there!)

 

sorry thats so long, my question is, i think that my s***ty behaviour towards myself and the person who tried to care about me is somehow related to my childhood, but i just cant figure out how. sometimes i just think im inherently selfish, but i dont think thats a rational thought, because im always the one my friends come to when they are having problems and i do charity work and stuff, and i dont do it to prove to myself im a good person, i do just enjoy helping people.

 

can anyone explain the connection between being abused and acting stupid? i never wanted to do the bad things i did, i think i just really hated myself.

[Guest]

Abuse wounds your psyche. Your psyche is designed to protect you, but the software isn't that good and many of the things it chooses to help you cope aren't that helpful in real life. So, for instance, it will cause you to try to blunt the pain of what happened by numbing yourself with drugs and booze. It will make you chase people away (because the people might hurt you) by acting badly towards them. And so forth.

 

It's pretty difficult to resolve these issues on your own. You should seek a competent therapist to help you out. Call a local abuse hotline and ask them for a referral; they should have the names of really good therapists - not quacks who will tell you to masturbate more.

[luvtoto]

i just think im inherently selfish, but i dont think thats a rational thought, because im always the one my friends come to when they are having problems and i do charity work and stuff, and i dont do it to prove to myself im a good person, i do just enjoy helping people.

 

Destination_unkown, you are what they call a survivor. Look at everything you have witnessed & been victimized with. You seem young, but wise beyond your years (if that makes sense).

Your quote above is wonderful. You seem like an awesome person, that has literally survived hell on earth. And, what I'm amazed at is how you seem so giving and caring. I suppose you've seen alot of people in your life hurt, and it's just normal for you to comfort and help them. Even though your life and experiences have left you quite jaded...I, also, just by reading your post, think you're truly trying and attempting to make the best of it all. I think charity work is a good form of therapy for you.

[destination_unknown]

thanks so much for your kind words guys.

 

i guess i thought i had alot of this dealt with, but actually i think i just repressed it and changed my behaviour but i didnt really examine much of it if that makes sense. it all came back up to the surface when my ex came back, (that didnt work out) i really saw how much i hurt him for the first time. i mean i actually felt it myself, physically, what i had done to him. its s***ty because im really heartbroken about him, i wish i could heal his wounds and heal our relationship but its too late for him. but i guess its good in a way because it really woke me up, stop playing the victim and own your own behaviour.

 

there arent any free councelling services where i live, ive looked. cant afford to pay for them cause im trying to get my PhD. (well actually dont think im gonna make it through that either). ive had such bad experiences with psychiatrists that im not sure i could ever talk to one again. the freudian one that i was forced to see, i used to have panic attacks when i knew he was coming, i have never before or since had a panic attack. (my heart goes out to anyone who suffers those horrible things.) i went to one councellor and she said she couldnt help me. another one just sat there and i had no idea what to say to her, to be honest she didnt look interested, i know thats "listening therapy" or whatever but i just dont get it.

 

the only one that ever actually helped was a hypnotist that i went to to stop smoking! She was the first person to tell me that i acted the way i did because i hate myself, and she worked through one or two of the bad memories with me using a technique where you go over and over the memory. while you are in the memory you play laurel and hardy like music and make everyone talk in funny voices. it helped the most out of everything. i just couldnt afford to continue it though. im not sure if im fixed, i think ive come a long way.

 

i just remember the wallpaper when my face was pushed into the corner of the walls, it had autumn leaves on it. not being able to move or catch a breath, and the other feeling. i dont know if i can ever not feel completely weak and powerless and so insignificant when it comes into my head. thats why i hated mental hospital so much, because it was that exact same thing, you had no control over your body, your mind and you couldnt get away. (yea the second time i was admitted was voluntarry but it was a different place and i didnt think it would be as bad as the first place but it was worse and i couldnt get out)

 

has anybody got any references to info on why the hell somebody would treat a person who was only trying to help them like s***? or has anybody been through something similar? (not looking for details or anything - just if you came to any understanding about why you did it) i just want to understand from an objective theoretical perspective.

[Guest]

i guess i thought i had alot of this dealt with, but actually i think i just repressed it and changed my behaviour but i didnt really examine much of it if that makes sense

 

One of the coping mechanisms the psyche uses is to let you pretend nothign bad happened.

 

there arent any free councelling services where i live, ive looked. cant afford to pay for them cause im trying to get my PhD

 

If you're at university, there should be a counselling service at the university and I think they're usually free.

 

ive had such bad experiences with psychiatrists that im not sure i could ever talk to one again.

 

Which is why I suggested you get a reference from an abuse hotline; they should have the names of good therapists - ones that have helped people and aren't wierdos or quacks.

 

Why do people attack those who help? The wounded dog bites. They react to what's going on inside and take that out on anyone around them. That's why you need someone to help you work through the old pain.

[Craig]

Good AM, I don't know if this will help but it's an excellent thread called "How do you recover from child abuse?".

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77326/

[destination_unknown]

Hi Craig , yep i had a read of that thread and its really helpful to get reminders of some of the stuff learned along the way.

 

Its just i feel that I can cope with the abuse part (i.e. what happened to me). yes, i have bad days with that esp when that memory shoves its way into my brain, but thankfully these days its far between bad times.

 

Its more the way I acted after the fact (i.e. why i chose to self destruct and hurt people) that I feel I need to understand, cuz thats the part that Im responsible for. Maybe Im compartmentalising and the two are inextricably bound together.

 

I know that I have to forgive myself, because if I didnt, then I would end up abusing myself again. Its a need to understand the phychological mechanisms that cause the self destruction. I might be looking for answers that dont exist.

[inertia_creeps]

 

Its just i feel that I can cope with the abuse part (i.e. what happened to me). yes, i have bad days with that esp when that memory shoves its way into my brain, but thankfully these days its far between bad times.

 

 

Memory is a funny thing you know. I can tell you what i wore to my first day of school aged 5 years old, i can even remember certain things from when i was even younger than that. But when it comes to remembering being 8/9 years old and reliving my abuse - i simply cant. I tormented myself for years trying to recall what happened, did i invite it, was it normal and all the other questions - but every time i relive those moments, just when i am getting to the point where i think i have an answer - something that will satisfy my adult mind - boom, it all goes. My mind was like a cruel joke - it takes me to a point where i think ill finally be able to understand, then pulls the plug on the whole thing.

 

Its more the way I acted after the fact (i.e. why i chose to self destruct and hurt people) that I feel I need to understand, cuz thats the part that Im responsible for. Maybe Im compartmentalising and the two are inextricably bound together.

 

Self destruction and Focusing hurt on other people are common in people who have been abused. There are no hard and fast reasons why, each person is different based on what happened to them. Obviously it would be wrong for me to make assumptions about you, so i can comment on myself.

I used to get smashed frequently, to the point where i would black out and wake up not knowing what i had done. I used drugs heavily, i slept about all of the these things just reinforced what i suspected in th back of my mind - that i was dirty, diseased, filthy and worthless - because of what happened to me. It was like i was reaffirming to myself what i couldnt remember from all those years ago. Sometimes i drank to forget about all the bad things that happened to me, just to give me a few hours rest, away from my mind constantly thinking about things. Hurting others for me was a ay of keeping them at arms length. If no one got close, they couldnt find out what had happened to me, if they didnt know what i had been through, then they couldnt judge me. In many ways oddly enough i also didnt want what had happened to me to come out and be examined and gone through by others and be 'cheapened' - i was so messed up that the pain of what happened to me was the only thing that kept me knowing i was still alive, as the rest of me was numb, dead. Looking back now it was madness on my behalf - i was so unhappy and so worried all the time.

 

I know that I have to forgive myself, because if I didnt, then I would end up abusing myself again. Its a need to understand the phychological mechanisms that cause the self destruction. I might be looking for answers that dont exist.

 

The one thing that you must do is forgive yourself. It was only a slap. The situation you are in now was not created by you, it was crated by your abuser - you are caught up in it. Its not wrong to look for answers - it actualy shows that you are self conscious about what happened to you, this means you are already in good stead to start getting over it and making life better. It wont be easy - the hard part is looking at what happened to you and working through it all.

Think of all those poor people that never reach that stage and simply drink themselves to death blocking it all out and hoping it will go away.

You may never find the answers you are looking for, in which case, finding inner peace is the key. I came to realise that i wont be able to find what i am looking for, and thus let it go and concentrated on changing myself and respecting myself.

I think you should find a good counsellor. Someone that doesnt judge of bark at you, someone who listens and helps you work through things.

 

If you remember only one thing about my little rant, remember this : You wont ever really love anyone else properly until you learn to love and respect yourself.

 

I hope my words dont sound too much like a load of BS.... and that you can take something from them, but more so i hope that you work it all out.

x

P

[destination_unknown]

inertia - what you have said has made a big difference, to know that someone else was the same (NOT that i would wish it on anyone). thank you for taking the time to share your story, it has helped.

 

guest - my college has a huge population and only one coucellor who has a waiting list of something like 5 months. TBH, i teach in the college also and would not like my students to have access to the fact that im in therapy. I'm not even sure that therapy can bring me any further, i am in a good place.

 

 

i'm pretty ok with it all emotionally. I think i phrased the forgiving myself part wrong, i do forgive myself. Alot of the stuff came up because of unresolved issues with my ex, and after alot of introspection, i have a handle on it. phew! it helped to vent and each response added more value to that.

[Guest2]

I've been in your situation, too. I have hurt so many people, and I don't even know why. I feel that I am a verbal abuser, I'm much too small to do any physical damage! But sometimes, I can't even believe the words that come out of my mouth, especially to those that I love/loved. From my counseling experience (which was wonderful) I learned that a lot of people I trusted hurt me, in ways that I hate to think about. Unfortunately I have taken that hurt out on people that I love; if I let them in, then they will know who I am, and I hate that vunerable feeling. I don't want to get hurt, so out of selfishness, I instead initiate the hurt, then when they push back, I'm the one that claims to be victimized--not always, but sometimes I feel that way. I hope for your sake you find a counselor to talk to about all that is/has gone on in your life. It's not fair to hold it in, to void having to be hurt again by someone that doesn't even know you. It's been a relief to get everything out, but on the other hand, I sometimes wish it was all still inside. I feel exposed to the world, as if anything and anyone can hurt me.

[destination_unknown]

Ah, my councellor is life itself and my trusted friends. I changed my behaviours 2 years ago. I realise my initial two posts sounded like i am still in the thick of the damage, but it was one of the bad days, ive probably only had 3-4 of those in the last two years. As i said, the break up with the ex is what drudged it up. Feeling much better again, blip on the healing radar.

 

i will get into the library to see if i can find any studies on this, i can post references for anyone else who may be interested.

 

Thanks again guys.

[inertia_creeps]

hey you are welcome. Im glad that people can draw from my bad experiences and it can help them, that makes me proud.

[Groovy]

People are afraid to love someone when it means being hurt. When we have opened ourselves to others and felt great pain, we are afraid to open our hearts again to anyone. It sounds like you may be afraid of intimacy and closeness because there is a risk of pain and therefore you push people away with your behaviors. We do it because we were neglected, hurt, beaten by our parents, lovers and is something so many of us have done. It is easier to have broken relationships than build ones where we put so much at stake.

 

There are a lot of good books out there to recover from child abuse and allow intimacy. I would visit a bookstore. There are some free groups usually too for people who have suffered abuse. I would call a hotline and see what's in your area. You mentioned nothing is but have you called a mental health directory?

[Becoming]

DU--You've gotten some great replies to your age-old question, but these make the most sense to me (and I know some of where you're coming from!--I've been hateful to the ones who love me the most, too):

 

if I let them in, then they will know who I am, and I hate that vunerable feeling. I don't want to get hurt, so out of selfishness, I instead initiate the hurt, then when they push back, I'm the one that claims to be victimized

 

When we have opened ourselves to others and felt great pain, we are afraid to open our hearts again to anyone. It sounds like you may be afraid of intimacy and closeness because there is a risk of pain and therefore you push people away with your behaviors. We do it because we were neglected, hurt, beaten by our parents, lovers and is something so many of us have done. It is easier to have broken relationships than build ones where we put so much at stake.

 

These are both excellent explanations. It's very complicated stuff--something I now know after great therapy (and lots of $$ spent). Recognizing the pattern is difficult because it's so engrained from childhood abuse, and it's just what is normal to you.

 

You may be afraid of negative judgment, as one excellent post put it, of someone minimizing your pain, of losing control to another person, which is extremely scary because it could lead to being violated and controlled and hurt--something you definitely don't want to ever happen to you again. Because of past experiences, you're understandably scared to trust anyone too close to you.

 

I, too, will tell you only of what I do because each of us is different though similar. Basically, my truster's busted, so I test the hell out of people. I don't let anyone get too close to me, which is why LS is great for those of us who've been abused; it's a pseudo-intimacy without the capacity for really being hurt.

 

I am married to one terrific guy who has the patience of Job. I put him through a series of trials on a regular basis to see if he really does love me or not. After being hateful to him, if he continues to reach out in love to me nonetheless, I know he's for real, and I can trust him (at least for awhile). It's crazy, and it's hurt our marriage, but after 25 years he has come to understand that I have no capacity for believing that someone will always love me. I have to have that constant assurance. Like a baby has no object permanence, I seem to have no love permanence.

 

You're definitely not alone, and I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions. Knowing this and being able to share it with someone who can understand and help you can bring you what it is you most want--love.

 

Folks can say it's all about self-love all they want, but I wonder if those of us who've been abused really can love ourselves without help from others who love us. But this is difficult because we're not likely to let them in. It's like we become our own worst enemies.

 

I understand about being a poor student and university counsellors. When the time is right, though, a good therapist (not the quacks!) can help you sort out your particular patterns that keep you from the love you so desperately want but keep yourself from having in order to protect yourself from more pain.

 

You ARE a survivor, a bright, strong woman who can make it, and your honesty and insightfulness will be your strongest ally.

 

Blessings!