Stay or Leave?

[John]

I have been in a relationship for several years. My girlfriend and I had moved in together over a year ago, but had not started living together full time (only weekends and school breaks) until a few months ago when she moved back from school. Since then , she has been very quiet and very down about life in general.... There have been a lot of changes in her life in the past few years and I have been trying to be supportive, but when is enough, enough? I find us being more roommates than anything else and it is effecting me. She says that she is happy with us, but I find myself not in the same situation.. I need more than a roommate, I need someone that I will be excited to come home to. That really has not been the case. We don't fight, but on the same note, there is no content in what we talk about. I have talked to family about this matter and I have only heard negative feedback. On member told me that if it is meant to be, then I would not even be considering leaving. Another told me that I am too young (22), as well as our relationship, to be having these kinds of problems. My biggest problem though is that I LOVE HER, but not really "in love" anymore. Do those feelings come back, or does this relationship seem to be doomed?

[Tony T]

You really don't sound like you're ready for a permanent, live-in type relationship. As people mature, they become more content with the stable, secure, day to day type interaction. However, I agree that there should be far more passion than you have in your current relationship.

 

I don't think it's going to work. It will be very hard to get things back at this point. I really don't think you can force feelings to reappear.

 

My advice to you would be to terminate your current relationship in a very kind and loving way. I'm sure you love this lady but, as you said, you aren't in love with her or you would feel lots more zest for the relationship.

 

Take some time to see and enjoy other people and other adventures. It could take years before you are ready to settle down with someone. Meanwhile, be patient with yourself.

 

I think when you find the person you will spend many years with, you will know it for sure. My guess is that in the back of your mind, you knew this wouldn't work even before you moved in together.

 

Good luck.

[Kiz]

Listen to Tony.

 

I think that if you were in love with her, you wouldn't need to ask yourself so many questions...the thought of just being there and being supportive wouldn't seem boring.

 

You would care about her being "down" because you would want the person you were in love with to be happy...you'd probably automatically do things to help support her. I'm not saying that you aren't supportive now, it just seems as if she is draining you emotionally.

 

On another note, just as a friend who loves (but isn't in love with) her, you may want to recommend that she get counseling. It sounds like she may be clinically depressed (recent graduate, not sure wat she wants to do, apparent change in demeanor). If she exhibits any other signs (sleeping too much, not sleeping enough, mood swings, lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities) get her to a therapist.

 

Finally, make sure you don't berate yourself...what you feel is okay and honest as long as you don't deliberatly hurt her when you part (understand that she will probably experience a normal level of hurt).

 

All the best.