Second chance = crap!

[J dub]

I only have myself to blame for this, it was masochistic for me to even THINK of getting back together with my ex. Stupid, stupid stupid.

 

Ya'll were right, it took him approx 6 mos to show his true colors again. He turned right back in to the a55 he was almost a year ago and broke up with me the first time.

 

The difference this time around was, I didnt give him the chance to break up with me. We actually never "broke up" this time around, because one day I was like alright that is IT. Something was the straw that broke the camel's back and i dont even have the interest in saying goodbye.

 

But, in fairness, we havent talked in almost 2 weeks - he's not calling and I'm not either. I hope it burns him like crazy that I am not climbing all over trying to make things right for us like he probably expects. Enough is ENOUGH.

 

Seriously people, even if the second chance works out, give it 6 months. If you surpass that deadline, youre gold. Otherwise - youre a fool, just like me

 

In any case, there's a fine fella at work that I put most of my flirting energy in to now. My ex gave me so LITTLE attention recently that it only takes a flirty glance from someone to get my engines revving...

 

Stupid, stupid stupid for ever thinking he could be the guy he promised he had changed into. Stupid!!!!!

[J dub]

oh and PS - apparently even his friends arent loyal to him cuz his so called "best friend" was sending me SMS's last night about how beautiful he always thought I was, how he wishes I was his and how he would make me his world. That my ex doesnt deserve me or treat me right and I could do so much better. That I am everything he's always wanted in a woman.

 

Says something about the friendships in that man's life, doesnt it? No wonder he's so messed up, he surrounds himself with people who are just as bad, if not worse at loyalty than he is!

 

Oh and dont worry, i would never date his friend. That's just sick and wrong - and my ex would probably be vain enough to think I was doing it just to get under his skin.

 

MEN

[KittenMoon]

I've made a plan for if I ever get a second chance with my ex.

 

(Please nobody point out that this is self-defeating, because I plan ahead for EVERYTHING in my brain. I have this brilliant plan for if my house gets hit by a tornado, and I live in upstate NY! So it's just a habit.)

 

Anyways, my plan for a second chance:

1) six month period to see if things go to sh*t again

2) at that mark- couples therapy! for at least another six months

3) Wait til the two year mark- marry him

 

Feel free to point out I'm a lunatic. (but not self-defeating, grr!)

[J dub]

I've made a plan for if I ever get a second chance with my ex.

 

(Please nobody point out that this is self-defeating, because I plan ahead for EVERYTHING in my brain. I have this brilliant plan for if my house gets hit by a tornado, and I live in upstate NY! So it's just a habit.)

 

Anyways, my plan for a second chance:

1) six month period to see if things go to sh*t again

2) at that mark- couples therapy! for at least another six months

3) Wait til the two year mark- marry him

 

Feel free to point out I'm a lunatic. (but not self-defeating, grr!)

Believe me, if you get back together and at the six-month point he's falling back in to his old ways, you wont WANT couples therapy. You'll be clawing like crazy to dig yourself out of his trap.

 

But, whatever works for you, right?

[My_Other_I]

So we will be seeing you here more often now?

[J dub]

So we will be seeing you here more often now?

I was always around, just less lately while overcoming my embaressment for falling for his crap all over again

[UT_longhorn]

i was actually a pretty big proponent of your second chance. hoping that those actually work. i guess thats why people say that a broken vase is never going to be the same when put back together.

[freckles3131]

Wow.

Things seemed to be going pretty well. So what happened? Was it a slow thing where he started slowly slipping into his old ways or did it happen quickly in the end.

I'm on my second chance, (month 4) and things are going pretty well for the moment. What advice can you give. What signs were there? Again, was it little by little or all in towards the end.(him regressing)?

By the way......sorry to hear this....I know you must be disapointed to some extent...

[freckles3131]

So...was he all attentive, loving, caring, thoughtful etc...in the beginning and then it started to slow down in that area then proceed to this current stage?

[J dub]

Wow.

Things seemed to be going pretty well. So what happened? Was it a slow thing where he started slowly slipping into his old ways or did it happen quickly in the end.

I'm on my second chance, (month 4) and things are going pretty well for the moment. What advice can you give. What signs were there? Again, was it little by little or all in towards the end.(him regressing)?

By the way......sorry to hear this....I know you must be disapointed to some extent...

Well it started on a slow slope...he was nice, attentive, sweet, yadda yadda for the first 3 or 4 and things started to dwindle down. He stopped making such a big effort and started getting selfish and mean again. I let some of it slide because he's going thru his own hardships and I understand we sometimes dont realize what kind of effect our attitude has on our SO. But on Valentines day he f'ed up pretty badly and although he apologized and seemed whole-heartedly sorry, that was the beginning of the end. It got REAL bad from that point on, so this last month has been pretty s***t.y.

 

I mean, everyone has their own way of doing things, handling things, so on and so forth. He has his way, which just so happens to be an a55hole approach.

 

Sure I am disappointed, but as time goes by its becoming more and more obvious that it isnt him I miss, its the attention, the love, the affection. I can get that from someone else, someone whos not so incredibly self centered and someone who WONT put me on the backburner when other things arise.

 

There are no guarantees...not with new relationships and not with old either. If this were another man doing the same actions, I'd still have left him by this point because I know better -- I know it wont suddenly start to get brighter, it'll just keep getting worse. Whether or not he knows it he's manipulative and it toys with my emotions far too much to be remotely healthy.

 

I really couldnt care less about his feelings anymore, I have zero desire to ever talk or see him again -- this was it for me. I'm done.

[freckles3131]

I get where you are coming from. I'm on my 2nd chance and have often imagined how I would react/handle things should he turn into his old self and if we need to part ways due to that...I think I would be so "over it" and "done" there would be no coming back. It's actually good that you feel that way, not enough people that reach that level of "I'm done". Thank goodness you feel that way and not the other way around, where you are trying to figure out ways to "work it out' or "get him back"....You very well should be DONE, in my humble opinion.

He had his chance.

[J dub]

He had his chance.

One was too many, IMO. He doesnt deserve the love/loyalty/respect I gave him. He'd just take, take, take from me...

 

And everyone has their "threshold" where they just wont take the crap anymore. Mine has been far surpassed . It feels good to know that although my future is wide open, there are so many possibilities that dont include him it makes me smile

 

He'll realize one day what he did. Everyone always told me they couldnt understand why someone like me would want to be with someone like him. I finally see what they were saying now

[freckles3131]

You're lightbulb is on and it is shining brightly! Good.

 

It's amazing, once that switch kicks on, it is nearly impossible to switch off....(I went thru that with another ex....and boy, once my mind was made up and the click happened in my head....forget it. There was no turning back.)

Good for you. You seem pretty at peace with the whole thing...you almost seem relieved, actually....

Feel free to pm me if you need support....(having been there myself...)

[francis]

i wish my lightbulb would switch on

 

i have had this in the past with other guys. like, PING! a breakthrough moment and there's no looking back...

 

unfortunatel, in my current situation, it aint happening. maybe its coz he's being so 'nice' to me.

 

arrrrgh

 

i wish u all the best j-dub, and no more pain for you

[mjk]

I have got a great plan for my "second chance with my ex" How about NO WAY!

 

You don't break up for no reason. You don't get back together for the right reason. I applaude you for leaving him. Sure, I just broke up (I was the dumpee) with the girl I was with for nearly two years. Would I go back? Not now, not in a heartbeat. But shortly after the breakup I might have...

 

Thank God I didn't. Nope....no "new girl" but so what. Just like you I'm done with the old and happy to meet the new!

 

I'm just sorry to hear it took you so long to realize that people can't change the basic behavior patterns they have, modify? maybe... change completely? no way...

[mjk]

Oh...PS j dub...it's too bad you are in the midwest!!! girls like you are rare and hard to find...

[mjk]

Oh...ps j dub...it's too bad you are in the midwest...a girl like you seem to be is rare and hard to find!!!

[J dub]

Well thank you, everyone for your kind words and support I love LS everyone is so helpful!

 

Quick update, I came out to my car weds morning to go to work and my ex had left me a three page letter about how much he misses me, how I am his motivation, this and that. It was sweet but a little late. As soon as I finished reading it I literally, outloud, said "dammit" and hit the steering wheel. I dont like my heart strings being tugged.

 

A couple hours later I was on my lunch and he sent me a text asking if I got it. I'm not one to just not respond at all because I hate burning bridges so I just said, yes...I dont know what to say to you tho.

 

Theres a guy at work that I am just so infatuated with right now. I know i cant date him BECAUSE I work with him but it just makes him that much more tempting. The nice thing is, he's the reason I keep moving forward without my ex in my mind...because I see that i CAN get the attention and affection from others, it doesnt have to be just from one pond....so to speak.

 

I think my ex quite possibly is a manipulator and he knows me extremely well so he's trying everything he can think of to reel me back in. I, on the other hand, have other plans. I had a dream the other night that someone from here sent me a private message asking me if (and then added a link) this particular story was my ex because it sounded so similar and, in my dream, it was. Only he was the one who was heartbroken this time around.

 

I dont like wishing pain on others, but in some weird way it made me feel better. Like my subconscious was trying to tell me that he IS hurting and that he knows he's done horribly wrong. That's the important part -- learning the lesson and applying it to future endeavors

[J dub]

i wish my lightbulb would switch on

 

i have had this in the past with other guys. like, PING! a breakthrough moment and there's no looking back...

 

unfortunatel, in my current situation, it aint happening. maybe its coz he's being so 'nice' to me.

 

arrrrgh

 

i wish u all the best j-dub, and no more pain for you

Well, nice or not, there will be a day where you wake up and are like...what was I THINKING?! And we all move at different paces so sometimes some are faster than others. Time heals all wounds and...they say time flies so...therefore time is on our side right?

 

I finally get that song "Time is on my side" or whatever...it all makes sense now

[CaliGuy]

Oh...ps j dub...it's too bad you are in the midwest...a girl like you seem to be is rare and hard to find!!!

 

Hands off buddy. She's mine

[francis]

nice going j-dub

 

that letter could have cracked you, but it didnt.

 

when i initially broke up with my current ex, he flew across the world and sat in my lap crying, begging me to take him back.

 

i did.

 

then he broke up with me, four months later. of course, that time, it was for good, apparently.

 

all it takes is for strength and common sense to prevail over pangs of guilt and heartache.

 

good that you have your distraction at work, i understand that.

[coasting]

It only took my ex 3 weeks into our second chance to tellme he didn't know what he wanted and that he was in love with me as well as the other person he left me for. He told me he was going to spend some time with his sister to get his emotions straight, only to find out he went right back to the other woman's place! Then had the nerve to tell me he only went there because he knew that I gave up allhope on us, which I didn't.....I just didn't want to lose him and have to go through this heart break allover again! Needless to say it is happening anyway.

[starlight2025]

I only have myself to blame for this, it was masochistic for me to even THINK of getting back together with my ex. Stupid, stupid stupid.

 

Ya'll were right, it took him approx 6 mos to show his true colors again. He turned right back in to the a55 he was almost a year ago and broke up with me the first time.

 

The difference this time around was, I didnt give him the chance to break up with me. We actually never "broke up" this time around, because one day I was like alright that is IT. Something was the straw that broke the camel's back and i dont even have the interest in saying goodbye.

 

But, in fairness, we havent talked in almost 2 weeks - he's not calling and I'm not either. I hope it burns him like crazy that I am not climbing all over trying to make things right for us like he probably expects. Enough is ENOUGH.

 

Seriously people, even if the second chance works out, give it 6 months. If you surpass that deadline, youre gold. Otherwise - youre a fool, just like me

 

In any case, there's a fine fella at work that I put most of my flirting energy in to now. My ex gave me so LITTLE attention recently that it only takes a flirty glance from someone to get my engines revving...

 

Stupid, stupid stupid for ever thinking he could be the guy he promised he had changed into. Stupid!!!!!

 

 

I'm currently 4.5 months into my 2nd chance. The 6 month deadline is not too far away. I'll see what happens. So far we haven't had any major problems. I'll come back here in 1.5 months to update everyone if I'm still with my ex or not.

[Kengne]

I'm currently 4.5 months into my 2nd chance. The 6 month deadline is not too far away. I'll see what happens. So far we haven't had any major problems. I'll come back here in 1.5 months to update everyone if I'm still with my ex or not.

 

I'm only 1.5 mths into mine. So I'll be back in 4.5 mths. Same here - so far, no major issues.

 

K.

[starlight2025]

Well I said I would be back. It's not quite 6 months yet into my 2nd chance. I still have 1 more week to go. So right now that puts me at 5.75 months into my 2nd chance. What warning signs should I be looking for that she's about to dump me again?

 

I've been paying attention to the pattern of her calls. She usually calls me once a day. Recently it's been less than that because she's been in the process of moving. But now that she's just about moved in we'll see if her calls go back to normal. She just got her phone service back today and she called me.

 

She still initiates saying "I love you". She's still very much interested in sex with me. I realize that the presence of these things is still no guarantee that everything is ok but I know that the absence of these things or even the decrease of calls, affection, sex, initiating "I love you" is a guarantee that break up bells are ringing.

 

Although a high interest in sex could be a sign of her cheating. So I have to be aware of that. If a woman is cheating she'll either have an unusually low or unusually high sexual interest in you. So maybe I won't be a statistic who's 2nd chance fails after 6 months. We'll see what happens.