When a man is not interested in making love

[pinkLilikoi]

He's attracted to me and loves me very much, but witholds affection because our relationship is on the rocks. It has been the past 4 months. He doesn't want to make love and associate it with a kind of emptiness.

 

Are there men that have experienced similar reasons for not wanting to be affectionate and intimate with their partners?

 

I always thought that women were typically the sensitive ones needing emotional connection to nurture intimacy. It kills me to not be able to kiss him and not being held in his arms.

 

To give you background, we've been together for over 2 years --lived together for a year and a half of that -- and felt many times throughout the coursr of our relationship that we had found the person we were going to marry. I'm 26 and he's 30. We've both had our fill of relationships prior to one another and know a good thing when it falls into our laps.

 

The relationship is broken right now as a result of my having not protected it time and time again from my dad's disapproval and thus my second-guessing if my SO is right for me. He's stuck by me regardless and hung on by the skin of his teeth since he believed in us.

 

I don't blame him that his walls are higher than before and fortified. I've done alot of soul searching over the past few months and recently starting seeing a therapist to help me quiet the noise of my father and gain clarity around how much my SO means to me. It's a last attempt at trying to salvage my relationship. I love him very much and want us to eventually get married and share a life together. He and I don't know how to build the relationship back up. I feel very lost an alone. I also relocated to a new city recently for him and a new job. He moved a few months before me. New place. No friends. Tenuous relationship.

 

Thanks for listening and providing any direction.

[uncool]

In order to answer correctly...why was the relationship on the rocks?

As a male forum member, I'm withholding being close to my wife right now because I've been rejected so much, that I avoid any rejection situation... which means avoiding being to close to her so I don't get hurt again. It also could be that because you're not married, he doesn't feel the need to be that commited. Bed buddies often lack the commitment and bond to love and cherish each other. Untill you tie the knot, don't expect a marriage type of bond.

[HanginLow]

Sounds like you are getting the raw end of the deal, however, if you believe in yourself you can overcome this situation. If you pray, then pray for him and yourself - and ask him to sit down and talk things over with you, heart to heart. I am sure you mean alot to him or he would'nt have dragged you across county lines and relocate if you didn't mean something to him. Don't worry, things have a way of working themselves out in the longrun and I am sure he'll come around.

[SoleMate]

Sure, there are plenty of men who associate sex and love and need an emotional connection before climbing into bed. It's quite common in fact, although we all know there are also plenty of counter examples.

 

If you are trying to rebuild your r/s, then I suggest buying two copies of His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, reading cover to cover, and then discussing. It's the best roadmap I have ever seen for building lasting and satisfying love, by meeting your partner's most important emotional needs. It's a two way street in every sense - you meet his needs, he is so happy he breaks records in satisfying you.

 

The reason why it isn't all common knowledge is that men and women typically have a different emphasis on which needs are closest to their hearts, and many don't understand or even scoff at the heartfelt needs of the partner.

 

One deeply felt need men have, which women don't understand well because they rarely feel it to the same degree, is Admiration. He feels fantastic when you praise him and tell him he's your dream man - and he will be devastated if you do or say anything that implies he is not wonderful in every way. Many women trivialize this masculine need and consider it childish or even ridiculous. Maybe it is. But the fact remains that if you tell him he's your Prince Charming, and believe it, and show him in actions consistently, you will be making a big investment in your Love Bank account with him. He may even start to feel so warm towards you he feels safe enough to open up emotionally and physically again.

 

Good luck!