Self Esteem and Self Confidence problems.

[Candied-Heart]

How can one gain significant self confidence?

 

I always thought I was a rather confident person, but after 'reviewing' my life after the past year I fear I have reverted into a more shy, unsure-of-myself type of woman. My BF has pointed this out recently aswell, not long after I realised. Not sure what has caused this shyness etc. I am relatively attractive and keep myself fit and look 'after myself' but I seem to have so many insecurities about my body, my appearance and the way people see me, that it has made me become a little mouse who's afraid to speak. I am surrounded by such loving, encouraging people, in my friendship groups, at work, in my love-life and within my family ties, but it seems I am my most negative source.

 

I want to stop picking on myself and see myself the way they do.

 

How do you feed your self esteem after beating it down for a prolonged period of time? Preferably without counselling because A] I cannot afford it and B] I always find excuses to not go.

[Guest]

You have to lose the idea that people care so little about their own lives and concerns that they devote time to judging your whole self based on your appearance. 'Insecurity' is in some ways conceit - you think others think about you as much as you do. I promise you, there is nobody in your life sitting there thinking, 'gee, X is such an inferior person because her calves are not in perfect proportion'.

 

People have their own lives and concerns to worry about. You have evidence people like you so it's illogical to continue to believe that your appearance matters to anybody but you and you might as well love your body because it's the only one you'll ever have. I actually think all this body-hate could contribute to illness.

 

Refuse to allow yourself to think that the people who love you are so shallow and without maturity that they would judge you based on what you dislike about your looks. That insults them, you know.

[Curmudgeon]

It's not easy. I still have doubts due to the way I was raised but overcome them in a variety of ways. Most of all I try to dwell on the positives about me and my life rather than the negatives. I concentrate of successes rather than failures. I'm not really at ease with groups of people but go into character in such settings and no one suspects that I'm at all uncomfortable. I can easily speak before large audiences and have done so hundreds of times as well as doing televisions and radio interviews and loads of print media interviews.

 

The less confident me simply goes into hibernation and the "character" me takes over. In time, that confidence becomes natural, almost like habit. The truth of the matter is that I'm truly a loner and enjoy my time most in my own home with my wife. Still, no one suspects my discomfort in social situations and I can actually enjoy them, even if they're not my preference.

 

Perhaps a side-by-side list of what's good and positive about you compared to what you'd like to change or do better will show you that you really do have a lot to offer and you can work on the "negatives" one at a time.

[Apathetic]

If you ever find out..let me know!

[johan]

If you met an exact copy of yourself, you wouldn't be nearly so critical. In fact you might really like and admire yourself. When doing that little mental exercise at one time, the following things became clear to me:

1) No one besides you cares very much about the things you are so self-critical about.

2) People are generally self-conscious enough that they are thinking harder about what you think of them than they are about the details of you.

3) If no one else cares or really notices, then what's the point of worrying about it yourself? How important is it?

 

I think people tend to be hardest on themselves when they try to predict what others are thinking of them. And most people would be surprised how wrong they are.

 

It's interesting to turn it around: I wonder about the secret insecurities some of the people I know. When talking to me, they probably are worried about things I have no idea about at all. Some hair or weight thing that I couldn't care less about.

[amaysngrace]

i agree with the others here. what others think of you is not nearly as important as what you think of yourself. i think mr. Cs idea of writing down your pros and cons can help you. you can do a little self-reflecting and see what you really do like about yourself, and try to stay focused on the positive. jounaling may help, as well. if you feel uncomfortable in a given situation, write it down and see what you come up with. you may find certain situations tend to make you feel the same way. knowing and understanding yourself will allow you to cope in future situations. and through self-discovery, you may find you like yourself quite a bit.

 

enjoy the journey.

[Candied-Heart]

My problem is my negatives outweigh my positives at the moment. I can't start a list because even though I know I'm not as bad as I think I am. My state of mind at the moment is shot. I wouldn't believe it if I were better than I originally thought.

 

I am more concerned about the fact that over this past year I am so shy when meeting people, I underestimate my potential. I turn down certain jobs because 'other people' might think I am kidding myself being involved in that scene and deep down I feel I'm not worthy of such a great job.

 

I'm afraid of becoming a self-hating, pathetic loser and sending people away from me.

[catgirl1927]

If you ever find out..let me know!

 

Me too please!

[Yamaha]

Try is web site.

 

http://www.more-selfesteem.com/

[PYT]

My problem is my negatives outweigh my positives at the moment. I can't start a list because even though I know I'm not as bad as I think I am. My state of mind at the moment is shot. I wouldn't believe it if I were better than I originally thought.

 

I am more concerned about the fact that over this past year I am so shy when meeting people, I underestimate my potential. I turn down certain jobs because 'other people' might think I am kidding myself being involved in that scene and deep down I feel I'm not worthy of such a great job.

 

I'm afraid of becoming a self-hating, pathetic loser and sending people away from me.

 

Try CBT which stands for cognitive behavioral therapy, it has enabled me to turn my thinking and feeling about myself 180 degrees. It takes a lot of hard work doing the exercises every day but it can change the way you think and feel once you learn to catch the common thinking errors you are making and fix them. I like the book by Sam Obitz best because it is short and simple but the book by David Burns is also excellent. Good luck and if you work at the exercises you can get better

[CaliGuy]

Do you have a link for the book by Sam Obitz?

[serial muse]

It's interesting to turn it around: I wonder about the secret insecurities some of the people I know. When talking to me, they probably are worried about things I have no idea about at all. Some hair or weight thing that I couldn't care less about.

 

Me too. I like to do this when I'm feeling a little raw or down about myself...I'll be on the subway, or walking around downtown, or in a bookstore or whereever, and I'll pick someone who's nearby and just pretend I'm him for a minute, and try to imagine what random thoughts or worries are going through his head. It's a great way to get out of your own for a while. Like a little vacation.

[PYT]

Do you have a link for the book by Sam Obitz?

 

The author's website is http://www.tao3.com there's a link to order the book on his site.

[theduke]

I see that PYT beat me to posting the link, but that Obitz book is very helpful!

[1Gravity]

Join a toastmaster group. attend an al-anon meeting. See other people struggle to understand their growth. Hear others deal with the same things you are and then you'll feel a little more normal. As fearful as you feel, you are probably more normal than most. Get out and see the process and you'll feel differently.

[PYT]

What is toastmasters?

[catlady]

I hope that I can get some advice. My husband and I were married 9 months ago. Until recently I did not know that my husband had such a problem with low self esteem. He has always been the one in the room who is engaged in a conversation and making new friends. In fact the confidence that he seemed to exude was one of the things that initially attracted me to him. He is so intelligent, has interesting things to say, and everyone thinks that he is charming.

About 2 years ago, he started having health problems, which caused him to delay his career. His back has been in so much pain that he has been unable to work, or do much of anything. He has had repeated illnesses, and constantly has a headache. To add to the problem, we recently moved so that I could peruse my career. We are living far away from his friends and family, and he has had a difficult time finding a community of friends. He has not wanted to warm up to the new group of friends that I have made, although there is plenty of opportunity for us to have a fulfilling social life with interesting people. He has become introverted, and there is nothing I can do to pull him out of it!

He is still having health problems and has not been working. He sleeps all day, and stays up all night. I end up taking care of the housework, all of the bills, which causes resentment. To top all of this off...we are both graduate students, are poor, and our parents have been practically supporting us because he has not been able to work.

I do not know what to do to help him. He is feeling so incredibly down, anxious about his career, and his ability to make a living. What is the worst is that his biggest fear is that I am going to leave him for someone who can make more money and be a stronger partner. He is constantly talking about what a piece of s*** he is, how he has failed me, how sick he feels. I am having a very difficult time dealing with this kind of emotional upheaval. I do not know what to do. Part of me is really tired of dealing with his problems that never seem to end. I want his to take responsibility for his health both physically and emotionally. This is emotionally draining. How can I help him so that we can continue on with our lives?

Has anyone been through something like this? How do I bring him out of his cycle of self loathing/illness? HELP!

[suga]

Well ya know there may be chemical imbalances going on that make you feal bad and make you not up to being social wich makes you feal left out...I would get on some medications for a while.