The ex, that refused to go away......

[dr strangelove]

I have a story..

 

The story is about an ex that refuses to fade into the sunset. I suspose she is like a boomarang, she goes off somewhere and then pops up again a few weeks later or sometimes months later.

 

When I was with her she refused to let me break up with her..

And despite my best efforts she wouldnt go away intil one day.

 

And now for the last year and a half or more, the only contact has been phone calls, emails, or instant messaging chats which she starts.

 

The last time we spoke she went on and on about how she met someone, and im thinking why are you talking to me then?

 

Then complete silence from her for months and months, and then I get these unidentified late night calls a few weeks in a row and then she pops up on instant messaging asking me a few things. Before I have time to decide if I will answer she says she going to bed and that I am boring.. ah looks like we want attention?

 

So nothing since then until I decided to leave my msn on all night and I forgot I had her blocked. Now I see theres a little message beside her icon that says.....

 

I envy paranoids at least they feel people are paying attention to them.. And now I dont know if this is a message aimed at me or everyone in general or some other guy? But I do know that I havent seen her logged into msn in months. I do have the computer on most of the day and into the night.

 

Not sure if I will unblock her or..? Its funny now that she seems possibly available again im not sure what I want. I guess 80% Id like her companionship again but I sure dont want to go through hell to get it.

 

Stayed tuned.....

[destination_unknown]

You broke up with her. Its obviously been incredibly hard for her to let go, and as soon as you see that shes not logged onto msn you suddenly think you might want her back? Im sure there is alot more to this story?? TBH, i think you should let sleeping exs lie!

[dr strangelove]

Yes more to story..

 

- She was flaky and I tried to leave her, she refused.

- One last time I said get lost basically, she went ballistic. I fell apart.

- I do miss her terribly and I do have feelings, but I just dont want to have to jump through hoops.

 

I guess we shall see if her popping up again leads to anything. I have unblocked her on msn and I went out for a few hours.. nothing, I guess she hasnt logged in.

[destination_unknown]

ok, i probably sounded a little harsh, sorry bout that.

 

See, the thing is though, you are the one who split up with her, and from the sounds of it, she tried and tried to get you to come back, so if you do want her back what would be wrong with a grand romantic gesture to win her back? its not jumping through hoops, its something that says i would like you to be back in my life.

 

But you really need to examine your feelings before opening the door again. She will probably still do the things that you considered flaky before. Do you love her? I dont think there is a point in going back there unless your feelings are REALLY strong, because you dont want either of you to have to go through a break up like that again unless you really think your in it for the long haul. Dont want either of you being hurt.

[dr strangelove]

Hmm

 

well see what usually happens is I get involved with someone and they act really needy, and flaky. Which I suspose could be cute at times, but others is unnerving. I guess looking back and since her, I have found all women to act the same.

 

So either its me or, all women are like that period.

 

I have tried a few things to get her back telling her how I feel etc.. nothing. So

I leave it all up to her. If someone is going to put themselves out there, let it be her not me.

[destination_unknown]

Examples of "needy" behaviours please?

 

Yes, women who are in a relationship want love and attention. If you cant give that then you shouldnt really be in a relationship.

 

If you think all women are "needy" and "flaky" maybe you find it hard to give affection? If so, what do you think are the reasons for that?

 

Im sounding harsh again, i dont mean to be, just want to open up the idea that it *could* be partially your behaviours that contibute to your girlfriends being needy.

 

- What things do you do for them to show them you care?

- Do you call when you say you will?

- Do you break arrangements?

- Do you tell them you care?

- Are you physically affectionate (outside of the bedroom)? (i.e. hugs, hand holding etc)

- Do you take your girlfriends on dates?

 

<not looking for details, just questions for you to think about>

 

If you do the stuff above, then thats great and there shouldnt be a "clingyness", you have to have your own life too. I'm not saying that there arent girls out there with serious self esteem issues that cause them to cling to their boyfriend, because there definitely are plenty.

 

In some male social groups, i think that guys put forward the idea that doing the above stuff is a chore (because they dont want to be seen as whipped) but they do it in secret for their girl! (otherwise theyd be alone!). That in turn leads other guys to believe they are compromising their masculinity by being romantic. (Not saying thats you either, but it is something ive seen.)

 

Do you think youve ever been in love? :love:

Maybe you just havent met the right girl!

[CaliGuy]

Needy behaviors can best be described in one statement: "Giving away your personal power in exhange for your s/o's approval."

 

That is the best way to describe it. You already know the examples (being overly nice, giving gifts, overly apologetic, avoiding confrontation, clingy-ness, seeking approval, etc).

[destination_unknown]

Sometimes guys are hyper-sensitive to girls actions and misinterpret healthy gestures of affection as "omg, she wants to trap me and keep me in her closet until i agree to marry her". (I havent experienced this, but some of my girlfriends who are definitely secure and independent have.)

 

Again, i definitely conceed that alot of girls, sadly, are severely lacking in self esteem and really do act like barnacles when they get in a relationship, and this puts undue pressure on the guy. (i suppose some guys do it too, works both ways). It is ridiculous that some poor guys cant go for a beer with their mates without somebody crying at them and questioning their love.

[blind_otter]

Hmm

 

well see what usually happens is I get involved with someone and they act really needy, and flaky. Which I suspose could be cute at times, but others is unnerving. I guess looking back and since her, I have found all women to act the same.

 

So either its me or, all women are like that period.

 

 

Oh, the flawed logic in the bolded statement. It is statistically impossible for all women to be the same, even exluding confounding factors like culture of origin, traumatic experiences and family of origin.

 

THe third option, of course, is that you tend to be attracted to that type of woman, which would more realistically explain this feedback loop that you describe.

 

And this should read: "I have found all women that I date or am attracted to to act the same."

[KittenMoon]

Bwahahahaha. I love to hear this and then imagine the kind of girls my ex is going to end up with!

 

Of course, I was the one with the commitment issues in my relationship...

[dr strangelove]

So I guess im susposed to explain myself.

 

Watch the movie "How to lose a guy in 10 days" That is generally how my ex acted sometimes. Other times she was ok. I guess it was 50/50.

 

I need to think about what I wish to say if anything. I guess I started this thread thinking, I might be able to say ..oh she talked to me. Now I think She talked to me..big deal.

 

I had to put up with alot of crap being with her, trying to see if she would reconcile with me. I miss her and stuff but I really cant stand the potential nastiness that might come from her, if I try to initiate a conversation or if I reply to a message she sends.

 

I guess its a catch 22, miss her. Hate the being alone. But I dont want to waste an hour listening to her ranting and nothing results from it.

 

In any case women act all sorts of odd ways. They all do it. You can deny it, but you dont have much control of your actions when it comes to romance. emotions come into play.

 

Honestly its pretty tiring to deal with, most of the time you put your feelings first not ours, or perhaps even ask.. hey is this good for you? No once we get together with you all of sudden we are like some pet. Or you know we should be happy to take the day off work to meet your friends, dont bother consulting us first.

 

Im sorry to point out but alot of women are single because, they are just headcases, their emotions takeover and the most important thing at the time is to run with it. Ohh.. he didnt call me.. gee maybe I didnt feel like it or I was in a meeting.

[honeybunch2k5]

Hmm

 

well see what usually happens is I get involved with someone and they act really needy, and flaky. Which I suspose could be cute at times, but others is unnerving. I guess looking back and since her, I have found all women to act the same.

 

So either its me or, all women are like that period..

 

Well, you are the only common denominator. I am guessing that you think some of the behaviors of needy women are cute, but then you go beneath the surface and realize you chose a crazy woman...Some women become more and more clingy like demanding more attention, giving gifts, and so forth when their man is becoming lazy in a relationship in hopes that the man will step up his game. I was once one of those women, so I know.

 

Heck, I am not guessing, you said that! Like what the others said, are you sure you're not doing something that is upsetting these women? Most women do not rant for no reason. Btw, many women do a lot to please men, so please don't say we all put our feelings first.

 

Strangelove, maybe you need to pick up a good book like Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus or some other book by John Gray.

[dr strangelove]

Gee maybe I should reread that crappy book another 5 times..

 

Its almost like you thinking im dealing with a piece of hardware..

nope nope cant be the software..cant be the hardware..must be the user!

 

Most people are rude ignorant sods, and theres only so much you can do to interact with them. Its gets tiring to have to make up for their lack of social graces.

 

I love this quote..

"Btw, many women do a lot to please men, so please don't say we all put our feelings first."

Gee and I guess men do jack, right? I think the problem whatever men do doesnt count, but women love to throw in our face the million and one things they have done.

 

And actually most women today are somewhat useless when it comes to cooking or cleaning. Im not sure how the tables changed, seems my generation doesnt know al dente from mushy ruined pasta. Perhaps this has something to do with up bringing.

[honeybunch2k5]

Oooops...So much for me trying to be remotely positive...I

[luvtoto]

I suspose she is like a boomarang, she goes off somewhere and then pops up again a few weeks later

:lmao:

[dr strangelove]

I dont think I spelt boomarang right should be boomerang?

 

im pondering other funny bits..

 

I had written her a few pretty concise emails about breaking up, there was really point because each time she basically said to me "Your not breaking up with me" uh gee do I have a say in this? someone said that was compareable to george kastanza. Good think I dont look like him.

 

Ill have to make a list..

 

She logged into mSN today, didnt message me, I quickly logged out ..then when I logged back she was still logged in. I put out to lunch.. she didnt message me..

 

I was too busy dealing with emails to contemplate it.

 

She used to do that before..log in.. log in.. it was weeks until I tried to message her. Not this time, she made this mess she can fix it.

[dr strangelove]

I dont think I spelt boomarang right should be boomerang?

 

im pondering other funny bits..

 

I had written her a few pretty concise emails about breaking up, there was really point because each time she basically said to me "Your not breaking up with me" uh gee do I have a say in this? someone said that was compareable to george kastanza. Good think I dont look like him.

 

Ill have to make a list..

 

She logged into mSN today, didnt message me, I quickly logged out ..then when I logged back she was still logged in. I put out to lunch.. she didnt message me..

 

I was too busy dealing with emails to contemplate it.

 

She used to do that before..log in.. log in.. it was weeks until I tried to message her. Not this time, she made this mess she can fix it.

 

Sorry Honeybunch

Im afraid you dont know the lengths I went to, things I tried etc to improve things. But hey in your eyes im the guy so im at fault. Right?

[honeybunch2k5]

I really wasn't trying to be harsh, and some of the things I said were too different from what other people said, but for some reason I'm the one being attacked...I was not trying to undermine your efforts...But if you want to label me a man hating feminazi then go for it...

[dr strangelove]

You women are funny.

 

I started this post out as a "lets follow what happens"

 

And before anything could happen to my little serial.

A bunch of women commented how, I should try harder or, must be something that I am doing. Yes I know its a bit of stretch for women to confess that "hey guess what we go a bit loopy when it comes to men" "We will act irrational and well it will be all your fault".....uh right.

 

Ive read as many relationship books I could get my hands on, it doesnt help much if I am the one doing all the work.

 

Ill leave you with this thought. You often here the refrain "I tried to change him"

"why cant he be more like etc.." How often do you hear men say I wish I could change her.

 

Maybe women need to start taking responsibility for how they mess up relationships

[destination_unknown]

of course your right, we are all insane bunny boilers. if you think we are all like that, then why are you bothered about her log ins to msn?

 

i feel sorry for you, bitterness is useless.

 

you are saying you do all the work and you have read all the relationship books but the rest of the world, especially women are just crappy. well, the world doesnt owe you anything. just because you do something does not mean other people are obliged to reciprocate, its called free will.

[dr strangelove]

of course your right, we are all insane bunny boilers. if you think we are all like that, then why are you bothered about her log ins to msn?

 

-- Ok first off insane bunny boilers.. thats a good one. The material I am getting from this thread is just priceless.

Why am I bothered by her log ins? wait a minute, not bothered more like whats coming up. She has a very unusual way of doing things. I havent seen her on msn in months.. if u see my thread. She has also..nah wait u dont need to know all this..

 

i feel sorry for you, bitterness is useless.

-- dont feel sorry for me, thats a no-no.. that leads to caring and possibly sex. We wouldnt want that, you might enjoy it and then you would really hate me.. shucks

 

 

you are saying you do all the work and you have read all the relationship books but the rest of the world, especially women are just crappy. well, the world doesnt owe you anything. just because you do something does not mean other people are obliged to reciprocate, its called free will.

 

-- Um im wondering if you have read the whole thread or bothered to read an previous posts.. hmm I guess u figure why bother.

 

I think the idea is, she just wont go away. I have made some effort at fixing things, etc etc.. la la la it doesnt get me anywhere. So hence forth im curious to see what she is up to. What does she want etc..?

 

Do you get it? or should I put on a puppet show for you?

[destination_unknown]

"Im a guy and I dont go telling chicks how I feel unless its to soften them up to make them more agreeable to something like, getting back, a shag, etc.."

 

the above quote from you might be part of your problem.

 

look if your only interested in a relationship with her and she is only interested in being friends, then my advice would be to block her on msn and block her number if she calls you. then you wont have to see her logins etc.

 

i have read your thread in its entirety.

[dr strangelove]

I long for the USER "smile"

 

She had a great piece of soap opera going on here.

And it was worth logging on just to see, did her ex call. Oh.. did they meet up?

 

And I had sort of similar thing going for a little while, ok my ex did this..ok now she did something else. It was like a little soapopera. That is what this post started as.

 

I didnt draw the first line of fire..destination did by assuming gee this guy needs my help to understand what he is doing wrong.. um.. no thanks.

 

So how about we just see what happens next instead of turning this into me against whomever. I guess my other option is to just ignore. ya that could work.

 

In any case guys out there.. its not always al your fault, in fact showing up on this site shows that you have a somewhat sensitive side. MAYBE that female your broke up with wasnt the one, or maybe she needed to grow up.

 

Its fine and dandy to make up a laundry list for guys to follow to make women happy, all I say is dont be so greedy.

 

I didnt expect much from my ex. Let me sleep, let me watch tv, dont assume I want to do what you want to do (what happened to democracy?), dont destroy my stuff (man mint NIN cd..all scratched..f--), make sure dumbass cat doesnt piss on my stuff, respect me.. (good luck)

 

The crappy thing is, despite all these and more. I still have a small bit of feelings inside me that keep fighting to get to the surface, no matter how much I push them, down into the depths where I chase the things I wish to forget.

[dr strangelove]

"Im a guy and I dont go telling chicks how I feel unless its to soften them up to make them more agreeable to something like, getting back, a shag, etc.."

 

the above quote from you might be part of your problem.

 

--No the problem is being honest. I mean why else would you share your feelings with someone in that situation?

The reality I do open up at other times as well..ah boy this is tiring..

I feel like im being interogated..

 

 

Look if your only interested in a relationship with her and she is only interested in being friends, then my advice would be to block her on msn and block her number if she calls you. then you wont have to see her logins etc.

 

i have read your thread in its entirety.

 

-- Well if you did then why do you keep preaching to me? You keep missing the point. I have no idea what she wants.

I think im well versed enough to figure out how to block and delete her.. thing is then she would probably try phoning..

 

We broke up, she told me dont contact her. I complied. She pops up angry then nice then angry etc etc.. then vanishes. Even at some points writing me

you havent contacted me in a while.. hmm gee why could that be (answer 10 points)

 

Alright oh all knowing destination

 

"why does she go away , tell me to get lost then pop up again? what is it she wants?..is she waiting for something? having trouble letting go? what

I bet you dont know, because I dont think she even knows

[destination_unknown]

Never said that it was definitely your fault, accepted the fact that yes some girls are crazy. Perhaps you may want to re-read the posts.

 

Not preaching, you came to a public forum i dont know what you expected but the idea that most people have is that you post looking for opinions.

 

No, i dont think anybody knows what your ex wants but herself and it is unfair of her to ask for NC and then ambigously contact you. My advice was that if her contact is bothering or distracting you then it may be better to just block it. Either that or ask her what her game is.