sosadami Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 hi my fiance, ex, just called of our may wedding 2 weeks ago. the week before i came home to find him crying on the couch. he said, i dont think we should get married, i think we should break up. we ended up talking about it, he said he loved me, didnt want to go through his life wondering "what if i married you", said he wanted to know instead. said he wanted to be with me. he kept saying, "i dont want to do this!" the week went by just fine. three days before we broke up for good he came home and told me about this girl at work that tried to discourage him from getting married if he was having doubts. he said he told her "i love her and know i want to be with her" after this talk he hugged me and said"you are my best friend. i am so thankful that i have you". the day we broke up i was leaving for my wedding hair preview. he was on his way to work. he kissed me, told me to have a great time and that he loved me and couldnt wait to see me later that night. he called that night and sounded weird. told me he loved me but getting married seemed wrong. mentioned that he may have feelings for someone. the next day he had packed all his stuff to move out of our apartment. i asked him why he was throwing away all we had for a girl. he said thats not even it. i dont understand what happened. we had a wonderful relationship. we always encouraged each other to be open and honest. there was mutual respect for one another. we were together for 5 months before he proposed to me. that was in 2003. he moved in with me and my roomate a little before he proposed. his mother was a problem though. i had a hard time with her and i always made it known to him. i probably shouldve been nicer about that. his parents are very controlling of him. they were upset to find we may move somewhere that was closer to my parents but further from him. that seems to be when all the trouble began. after our first almost break up he had lunch with his parents. he was upset that his mom was coming cause he wanted to just talk to his dad. she is very obsessed with him. unhealthy, actually, is the word that would describe her relationship with him. they always make him feel guilty about paying for his graduate studies.he said that "comments were made(by them) and that he tried drawing lines but they were crossed" they have not called me or my parents since calling off the wedding. my mom and i are wondering if they didnt have a hand in this. has this happened to anyone? did you guys get back together? Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 I am so sorry you are going thru this SoSadAmI...What a hard time you must be having... Listen, if I have learned anything in the past year or so...it is that if someone leaves you stating ANY reason (anything from needing space to they found someone else) have HAVE to let them go. Trying to talk them in to staying only comes across as needy and desperate and will *not* get the outcome you are hoping for. When someone makes a decision to leave, it was them on their own who decided this. Therefore, it has to be them, on their own, who decides to come back as well. No amount of talks, heartfelt moments or anything else for that matter will change their mind (esp men!) so do whats best for you and let him go. I cant promise you he will come back, but he obviously loves you because it sounds like it broke his heart to leave you. Please just give him his space...do not call him or contact him, let him come to you. In the meantime, surround yourself with supportive individuals: friends, family, whomever...and remember that everything happens for a reason. It really does. Hang in there...let us know what happens and feel free to come here and vent:love: Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 I feel your pain, really. My girl and I were also planning a May wedding that we called off a few weeks ago (we had been together for 10 years). She says she has developed feelings for someone else and also needs to go and find out who she is (we met pretty young). We went through about 2 months of her going back and forth and not being able to decide, stay or leave. I really have to agree with J dub on the “talking” thing. I see now that it was clear that she wanted/need to leave right from the beginning and trying to talk her out of it just prolonged a really painful process. When she finally decided to leave even though that was not the decision I was looking for I did feel somewhat relieved and knew at least in which direction I had to concentrate my life on. That would also be my suggestion to you. You have to realize that the situation is out of your hands and all you can do is take care of yourself. If he sees that you are doing well and enjoying life he might want to come back but deal with that situation if it actually comes up, don’t focus on hoping for it. That kind of hope can mislead you and cause more pain for you. My heart really goes out to you and you are not alone at all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadami Posted March 27, 2006 Author Share Posted March 27, 2006 last wed. i received a cold email. it didnt even sound like him. he still didnt give me a reason on why he left except to say that he didnt think that two people should take vows before God if one had feelings for someone else. he said he would always look back fondly on our times together and hopefully this experience will make us stronger. he had the nerve to thank me for providing him with food and shelter for the past three years. it was sorta like a "its me not you" letter. the person who sent that email is not the man i knew and loved. its looking bleak. Link to post Share on other sites
saltedfish Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 wow, you are living in my worst fear! I have allways told my boyfriends i don´t want to get married, and the reason is that I would fear just that, that they would call it of just before...i don´t know how i would handle it ( yes, i know, i have a "fobia" of beeing abondonent, needs to be solved at some point) so no advice sorry, just my "hugs" for you. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Sosadami, Lovelorcet made an excellent point that I hope you were able to understand. He made this decision, therefore its up to him entirely. That is a huge relief on your part to simply focus on yourself. There's no pressure on you to wonder if you are doing the right thing (whereas HE is probably torn between what is right and wrong and losing sleep over it). You know your path, you simply have to look deep inside your heart to find the strength to take that road. And, from the sounds of it, the man you fell in love with has changed for the worse and maybe its better you know this now than 10 yrs from now. Imagine your married with kids, getting ready for dinner and out of nowhere he jumps up and exclaims, "THATS IT I CANT TAKE THIS I HAVE TO GET OUT!" Better now than later. I hate those cliche sayings but, really, this may be a blessing in disguise for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadami Posted April 1, 2006 Author Share Posted April 1, 2006 i've been reading a lot of posts where people are saying dont contact him. well, he wrote that email to me a week and a half after the break up and i replied that same day. i havent contacted him since nor do i plan to. but, does that count? replying to his email? it was a mean email, the one i sent. have i screwed up a possible chance of him coming back? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 No, you haven't screwed anything up. J dub made an EXCELLENT point - this is HIS decision, let HIM agonize over it. It was not a mistake to reply, and by no means could such a thing change a second chance into a failure. NC is considered to work for you if it results in one of two outcomes: (1) getting back together, happily (2) moving on with the least amount of pain possible I would recommend you focus on using NC for outcome #2. Link to post Share on other sites
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