Fiance not ready yet

[Lost....]

I've been with my fiance for a total of 13 years on and off. I'm 26, 27 this year and my fiance is 27 and will be 28 this year.

 

He moved to another city while we were in high school and we had a long distance relationship for a long time. Even after it got to hard, we still remained best friends. We dated other people, had even serious relationships with others and still were able to talk about it to eachother, there was nothing we couldn't talk about.

 

We lost touch for a few years. We started talking again after a long while and that minute I heard his voice again I knew that I still loved him. He moved back to where I live not too long after that, he knew that he wanted to be with me again. 4 months after getting back together, he told me to meet him at this laundry shop that we used to meet at when we were 13 years old. There, is when he got down on one knee and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. It was the happiest moment of my life.

 

We moved in together right after. We never really talked about a date but I didn't think that it would be a problem. We've moved 3 times since he moved back, trying to save money and such. Just living life, and working hard at our jobs. We even got a dog. Even though times were rough, I was happy.

 

So last year we finally said why don't we set a date for this year. All we knew is that we wanted it to be on the 13th of some month beacause that's the day we met and the day he proposed to me. So we set it for May 13th of this year. We don't have a lot and I'm not one of those people who always wanted a big lavish wedding. I love him so much that all I cared about was just marrying him in a church, with my family and his and that's it. I didn't need anything else.

 

So we met with the priest that's going to be marrying us. We set the date and got the church. We enrolled in marriage prep. classes was for 7 weeks. We finished that and it brought up so many topics such as finance, children etc. I got my wedding dress at a consignment shop, we started looking for wedding bands. Both our parents had to meet with the priest to sign a freedom to marry form. We had to do the same as well.

 

That's when it all changed. I noticed it was taking him forever for him to ask his parents to meet the priest to do that, and to get his baptismal certificate. I knew something was wrong. So when I asked him, it all came out. It is now a month and a bit before our wedding and he said he wasn't happy with the way things are going.

 

He said he wants to be more "financially stable" before we actually have a wedding. He said he was brought up by his parents to be "something" before you get married and start a family. I know that his biggest fear was having kids right away but now it's even stopping him from marrying me! He said he was sad that I had to buy my dress from a consignment shop and that our wedding is only going to have everyone else there. He wants so much more for us when that day comes.

 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was so upset. Now he's saying he doesn't want to set the date and getting married for another 2 years!! For me, I'm ready to marry him, I believe that of course even for myself, I have a great job but we can upgrade ourselves in that aspect as a family, as a married couple. I was so upset that I set up a meeting with our priest again to talk about it.

 

On Saturday we went to see him, and we explained both our views. The priest does know we're living together, even though it's against our religion we were honest about it. He also doesn't understand why it would stop my fiance from marrying me just to upgrade himself a bit in his job, we're not talking about 5 years of university, just a couple courses, because that will continue to happen through our marriage and under the eyes of the government we're already legally married in a sense. Then my fiance brought up his parents and what they raised him to believe. The priest understood but also said that it's good to respect your parents but they shouldn't control your marriage and now your family.

 

I was crying the whole time we were there. The priest suggested we need to make a decision between the two of us, and if my fiance really feels he needs to do this before he's ready to get married that it's not fair to continue living with me and having us so tied together emtionally. My fiance asked what if I find someone else that's ready for all of this, and the priest said well that's something that can potentially happen. But no matter what if we're meant to be together, and if it's god's will then it will be. He also told us that it took a lot of courage to say this before the wedding and it was the most mature thing he's ever seen.

 

So here I am, totally lost, even going on here to find some kind of answer. We gave notice to our landlord and he's been showing our place all weekend. I don't know if I should continue living with him after this and wait another 2 years just for him to be ready to marry me when we've been engaged for 2 years already. And what happens if after 2 years, he's STILL not ready???? My best friend said that's what I'm scared of for you. I know he loves me, and he treats me good, he's been there for 2 surgeries I've had and been my best friend through all the hardest times in my life.

 

I'm sorry this was so long, I guess I also just had to get it out somehow. Would you continue waiting? Knowing you want so much more?

[Shana]

Awe Lost, I'm sorry! Stinks to be going through this! I think you needed to come here to vent, glad you did.

 

I'm sorry hunny but me personally would not wait - engaged for another 2 years until he decides he wants to or does not want to marry you. Men use the "waiting till we are more financially straight" but mean, I just don't want to marry you now.

Because, if he wanted to marry you, he would... regardless of who has what financially.

 

Get your own place and move on.. there is so much world out there..

[ASympatheticWoman]

I'm sorry, but I think you know deep in your heart that it is time to move on.

 

He's is commitment-phobic in the worst way, and the best thing you can do is to move out and move on without him.

 

I was with my ex-fiance for 10 years and he'd proposed (at no prompting from me) with the ring and all, but he was too passive-aggressive and drug his heels about the whole thing. I ended it--he pushed me to it by his actions. It hurt so much for a long time, but I can happily tell you that I am getting married this year to someone else- a wonderful man- and I can only wish the same for you.

 

My ex- was also my first love, so I totally understand your attachment.

 

I'm sorry he waited until you two had talked to the priest. We never got to that point, as he suddenly became a rabid anti-Catholic (he was Catholic, himself).

 

Please, please move on and do not look back. He is using his financial situation as an excuse because he's afraid to commit.

 

Don't out your life on hold for him.

Good luck.

[slinkysu]

I am so sorry to hear of your frustrations, but i think, like the other posters here, that you already know the answer deep down, and that is possibly why you came here for confirmation/answers.

 

You have two options.

 

1) Stay and wait and see if he does come round and you do get married. But you will then always live with the knowledge that he has let you down like this before and i doubt you could havea future wondering what the next big thing he is going to do to pull the rug from under your feet will be.

 

2) Realise that he isn't ready now and probably wont be. You have been together since childhood and so money wouldn't be a factor for you, so it is just something i think he is hiding behind.

 

Take heart from what the poster above has written - there is a life out there for you and a person who will complete you and make you happy and wake each morning excited to be with you and have you as their wife. It is hard and my heart breaks for your situation, but best to take advantage of this opportunity to make a new beginning and realise that whilst there are many happy memories in your past, you have a new future ahead that could burn equally, if not more, as bright.

 

Just becuase it doesn't work out doesn't mean there is a bad guy here either. He sounds like a wonderful person, but you just may not be each other's forever. One of my ex-boyfriends always treated me with respect and held my heart ever so carefully, and when he returned it, my heart was still intact. Not all endings are bad and sometimes you just have to be grateful for the time you had that was good and realise that there is more out there.

 

Whatever you do - good luck.