Just friends - or not?

[Guest]

I've been friends with this girl for a few weeks, and we've been getting along really well. She's a very pretty, intelligent and funny girl and we've been bumping into each other a lot because we're in the same workgroup at uni. We were getting along really well, having really nice little 20 minute chats about nothing in particular - but i kept getting these really nice moments with her where she'd laugh at the most silly joke and she'd smile and blush when we spoke.

 

I had wanted to ask her out a couple of weeks ago, but didn't really have the time or the moment (or the assuredness that her response would be positive) to do so - but I did bump into her in the library last Sunday night, and we spoke for 3 hours about all sorts of things (family, friends etc). She initiated alot of the more private-orientated conversation, about my family and such. Which was all very nice - and as I walked back with her towards her flat we carried on the conversation, and ended up stood outside the shop for 20 minutes talking about anything, and she said 4 or 5 times, "Is there anything else you'd like to ask me?" with a big smile on her face, and she kept reminding me "Well, if there is anything else you want to ask me, just e-mail me" etc

 

I should have asked her then, but I just didn't - but I knew that if i wanted to, that she'd have liked to have gone out on a date to a film with me or something. I just felt comfortable knowing that she would have said yes, rather than putting myself out on a limb and not knowing what her response would be.

 

Later that week we met again and again I walked her back to her flat, and I asked her if she'd like to go to see a film that we both wanted to see, and she said that she'd like to. She also invited me along to an event that she was involved in the next night. All very nice.

 

I met her on the Thursday at this charity event and she came and met me afterwards and we again went to the library and spoke for a couple of hours, which was really nice also.

 

The next day though the cinema meeting fell through because the film was cancelled and because she had a lot of work, but when I got home she was on MSN waiting for me to come online (she never uses MSN), and she asked me if i'd like to meet her to do some work the next day. Of which I was very happy to do so.

 

We met last Saturday at the library, did an hour's worth of work and light conversation, then she asked me if i'd eaten yet, and I proposed that we go for some dinner at the cafe. We had some lunch and a couple of cups of tea and had a really nice hour and a half eating, before going back to the library to do some more reading. At the library she'd show me funny things from a book and we'd both keep laughing and smiling at little things.

 

The library shut at 6, and she suggested that we go and do some more work in a computer lab, where we were together alone for just over 4 hours and did no work. We just chatted about films we liked, people we liked and so forth - she even wrote a massive list of movies that i "absolutely must watch". She insisted that I look her in the eye and talk to her, and we watched a few funny clips on the internet and she seemed very comfortable to come and sit right next to me and put her foot against mine. She also kept laughing and smiling throughout, and we never had a lull in conversation all day. She'd also hit me gently in the arm and lean into me as we were walking to the shop.

 

We went to the bar after the lab shut, and we sat alone in this room for half an hour and she was looking directly into my eyes and speaking to me - still laughing and smiling at the stupidest remark. We moved closer together and she seemed very comfortable again to put her foot behind mine and we spoke for abit longer before being rudely interrupted by a barman who was shutting the place.

 

So, I walked her back towards her flat, and she remarked that the English had a 'reputation for being gentlemen, you know?' (she was carrying one of my books at the time), to which I responded by taking all that she was carrying under my arm, and then offering out my left arm for her to link with. And she did, for all of two seconds, before laughing and pulling her hand away and muttering something. I walked her back, she gave me her number and said that if she got enough work done tomorrow that she wouldn't mind seeing me again if i was to be on campus.

 

She didn't get enough work done, but we still exchanged a few texts on Sunday, and I asked her if she'd like to meet again for a cup of tea on Monday or in the week. She said she couldn't do monday, but said she could see me on Tuesday at 1 for dinner - after we'd been to a lecture. I went to the lecture at 12 with a mate, and she came and sat by me and we sat and laughed throughout the lecture before going for a bite to eat. Which again was all very nice. We went our separate ways afterwards and wished each other luck with our work.

 

Then that night she sent me a text message to check that 'we're just friends aren't we? You are aware of that, aren't you?... I can't see anything more than friendship between us' and apologised for 'leading me to think otherwise' and said that this had happened before and she didn't want me to get hurt.

 

I was pretty devastated by that - she'd given nothing but 'more than friendship' signals on many an occasion, Saturday in particular where we spent 10 hours together. I really didn't know what to think at all.

 

All of what I have read about positive signals she was giving me, eye contact, blushing, smiling/laughing, pointing her legs towards me, asking me questions (and me asking her) etc etc

 

I really felt that this was something positive, and then she text me the 'just friends' soliloquay out of nowhere. It really hurt. I text her to tell her that she wasn't pretentious (as she thought she was for assuming that I liked her) because I did like her, but I appreciated her honesty in putting me straight even if it did hurt.

 

Is there anyone out there who can offer any advice into where I've gone wrong, or is she clearly just a flirty girl?

 

(Apologies for the length of this!)

 

Thanks

[noclobber]

Okay I am just taking a guess here..

 

To me it looks like she was interested in you but she saw that you were not aggressive/confident enough and hence pushed you to the friend-zone. I guess you should have asked her out in the very beginning. I really believe that she had changed her mind.

 

If not then she is not being honest by spending so much time with you and then saying "we are just friends". She should have told you at the very beginning that you were going out only as friends.

[johan]

I don't agree completely with noclobber. If she was into you, then there is no "friends zone". She'd still be into you, maybe posting here trying to figure out why you don't ask her out. I think even if you had made a move, you'd have found out she wasn't that into you, but maybe things would have gone farther first.

 

The only advice I can offer: forget the idea you were interested in her. Nothing is going to happen. Also don't be her friend, because you'll be constantly looking for signals from her. She might be wanting a friendship,because she's kind of lonely and likes the attention from a guy. If you go for friendship, the you get to watch what goes on in her love life with other guys.

 

Don't blame yourself like you screwed up. You were looking for some signals that never came. One thing to keep in mind though: it's better to be in a state of mind where you aren't waiting for signals. You'll have plenty of chances (and better ones) with girls who don't lay out the red carpet for you. When you start doing that, then you'll have a hard time even remembering this girl's name.

[noclobber]

You have a valid point but it looked like she was interested in him in the beginning. I really think she might have changed her mind. Why would that girl want to spend so much time with him alone if she is interested only as friends?

[johan]

You have a valid point but it looked like she was interested in him in the beginning. I really think she might have changed her mind. Why would that girl want to spend so much time with him alone if she is interested only as friends?

 

Who knows. You probably have better insight into this than most...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=734932&postcount=1

[Yamaha]

Women see things differently than men. They can like a guy as a friend and want nothing more from your relationship. All I can tell you is that in your next encounter with a girl you like be sure you let her know- up front- that you are not just looking for a friendship. Women will not just come out and tell you they see you only as a friend so you must tell her what you want from her. If you have a romantic attraction let her know and see where it goes. It will save you alot of heartache.

[Guest]

It really looked like she was interested. Talking, alone, for four hours, about intimate things. ehh, that really seems like she was interested. At the beginning it seemed like she was fishing for you to ask her out. I really think she was interested. I agree with johan in that, if she was into you, she'd still be into you. Something must have happened in her life that doesn't involve you.

 

It happened to me once, while on a date, that the girl asked me out on, we were having a great time, things were going the way a date should, but when it was coming to a close she sort of left me for her friends. It wasn't until later that I found out that she had issues with her family that made it so she wouldn't have the emotional capacity to handle dating. Well a week later she asked me out again. So things turned out for me. Although your situation was over a few weeks and mine was over a day, I think the same things may apply. So give it some time and wait and see what happens. I would advise you to stay her friend though, but only if you could do so rationally without looking for signs. If not, don't put yourself through hell and leave her alone.

 

I'm ever the optimist so you should know, there could be an ulterior reasoning for her sudden change. However, the reality is that she might also have found someone else. Or she might just be flirty and might not have any feelings for you at all. I think you should follow up on this, keep in contact for a week or two, but if nothing changes and you're still thinking about her, you should move on.

[Lucasarts]

shes full of sh*t

 

she only wants to see if you really like her thats all, its a game shes playing with you

 

no girl who laughs as much as she does when you are with her can only accept u as a friend

 

look for the signs my friend too, the signs of attraction...

 

IMO: i think you should tell her how you really feel, that you find her to be the most refreshing, appealing, and interesting thing in your life and that you want to become more then just friends with her.

 

she seems more then just interested in the friends zone, regardless of what she is implying from that text.

 

and off topic, guys and girls can become friends, as long as they dont treat each other like members of the opposite sex (the way a guy would treat a girl, the way a girl would act around a guy...just gotta be yourself).

[noclobber]

no girl who laughs as much as she does when you are with her can only accept u as a friend

 

lucasarts, are you saying that her laughing so much when she is with him is an indication that she sees him as more than friends? friends laugh and have a good time.

 

look for the signs my friend too, the signs of attraction...

 

and what would those signs be?

 

she seems more then just interested in the friends zone, regardless of what she is implying from that text.

 

what makes you say this?

[Lucasarts]

ok lets clarify my previous post some

 

friends laugh and have a good time yes, a girl who laughs at everything you say regardless of how stupid it is and you can talk to for long periods of time is connecting with you on a whole other level of "friendship." She might be scared of losing this guy because they connect so well, so she wants to stay at a safe "friends" level.

 

When you are with friends you can be stupid and have a good time true, but friends dont always laugh at the stupid things you say. They dont need to, they are your friends, they let you know when you've said something dumb or done something stupid. a girl that is attracted to you however...likes everything about you, including the babble that comes out of your mouth. Unless its vulgor, crude and/or offensive, a girl will laugh at any stupid thing you say. I feel that i am trying too hard to explain this, but its a gut feeling that this girl is way beyond the friends stage. Like i said before, its Bulls***.

 

As for the signs, i aint going to go and list them all over again. There have been plenty of posts that lists the signs a body gives when someone is attracted to someone else or doesnt like them. But i will say to look for "open" gestures and eye contact. The key thing in the original persons post that assured me that the girl liked him more then as a friend is when he said that... "She also kept laughing and smiling throughout, and we never had a lull in conversation all day. She'd also hit me gently in the arm and lean into me as we were walking to the shop." Another example is when... "She insisted that I look her in the eye and talk to her"

 

I dont know many friends that lean into me while walking to a shop, or insist i look them in the eyes when i talk to them. I do know friends who punch in the arm as a friendly gesture though, but when a girl does this and more, its quite obvious.

[Guest threadstarter]

OK, thanks for your responses. I think Yamaha is spot on and I should have told her how I felt from the beginning, but that doesn't disguise the fact that she was sending such messages and signals to me. My friends all thought she liked me as well - nobody really knows whats gone wrong.

 

I'm not beating myself up about it though, it sure does hurt, but I know I haven't 'failed' or anything - I don't doubt myself, I just wish I had a time machine to go back and ask her out more formally when she seemed to be 'fishing' for me to ask her. Grrr.

 

I am thinking about e-mailing her though, just to make sure that everything is cool between us. Just to say that I should have told her more directly, and then she wouldn't be this awkward air created by text messages - if she was going to say 'no' all along then it'd be much better and much less embarrassing to have her say it face-to-face, rather than a dreaded text message. Do you think I should? I could call her, but I don't know whether that'd be too wise.

 

Hopefully we can still be friends when we get back from the holidays, because we'll still be in the same workgroup and lectures, and she wanted me to help her with revision notes and such. I'd rather that this be something we can laugh about as friends, rather than ignore as awkward individuals.

 

Thanks