Hesitant Boyfriend (About Everything!)...No Red Flags!

[Sinead1981]

Ok, to make a long story short, I'm American and have been with my Irish boyfriend for almost 18 months. I'm 24 and he's 36. I met him when I was completing my Master's Degree in Ireland. For the most part, things have been amazing with us. We get along so well and we're always laughing together. We also like to do the same things. He is absolutely my best friend.

 

I have known that I wanted to marry him for a long time but I never said it to him, except jokingly, because I didn't want to freak him out or make him think I was putting pressure on him. But in February of this year we found out I'd have to leave the country for awhile because my student status had expired and I wasn't able to find a job (in Ireland Americans and other non-EU people have to get a work permit in order to work in Ireland, which is really difficult to do). This is when all the chaos began. After we found this out I asked him to marry me but told him not to answer right away because I wanted him to think. A week later he told me he wasn't ready for marriage, so I freaked out, only able to see things from my point of view at that point. I broke up with him but he kept calling me and calling me begging me to let him explain. I avoided him for a whole day until I met him by chance on the street. He looked like a mess and said he wanted to talk. I've never seen him so upset before!

 

So anyway, we did a lot of talking and I realized how by asking him to marry me out of the blue I'd drop this gigantic bomb on him. When I told him about how I saw us happily married with a dog and stuff like that he said, and I quote, "That sounds very inviting actually." I didn't get an "I don't want to do this!" vibe from him at all, and I KNOW when he doesn't like an idea, but he didn't behave that way about this. He seemed really positive about it. But I said I'd go home to the States for three months (which I had to do anyway!) and we would both have time to think about what we want.

 

I'm planning on going back to Ireland in June, and in the meantime my boyfriend and I have been talking on the phone and texting every day. I can tell he really misses me and I miss him too, but I feel like it's going to take more than that for him to make the leap. He's always been a really hesitant, old-fashioned kind of guy. He kept saying for months that he wasn't sure if he wanted a cell phone so I ended up buying one for him and he absolutely LOVED it. Something similar happened with his computer. He'd been really wishy-washy about it for ages but he finally bought a computer (after I kept asking him about it) about a week before I left Ireland and now he's been on it practically non-stop, except when he's working.

 

I would never want him to do anything he doesn't want to do, but I just haven't ever gotten the sense that he wouldn't want to marry me. There have been no red flags at all. The only reason I tried to break up with him when he said he wasn't ready yet was that I was scared because I knew we'd have to be apart for awhile.

 

I know marriage isn't the same thing as a computer or a cell phone, AT ALL, but he's developed this pattern in his life of playing it safe and sort of sleep-walking through his life. I just know we'd be really happy together but I'm not used to being the one who takes charge. I know that's what I'm going to have to do here but the question is, how do I go about it?

[JayKay]

You can't force anyone into marriage.

 

Now that you've opened the subject up, I'd give him a timeline to work with. Say, "Please think things over for the next three months. If you'd like to move ahead with this relationship, let me know. If after three months you are still undecided, I will choose to move on with my life."

 

Then you have to hold fast to that decision.

 

People are either ready and willing to be married or they are not. He may be worried about numerous things; your age and cultural differences are two pretty large issues. They may not seem like it at this time, but they are.

 

At 36, he has seen his fair share of life. I'm sure there are relationships amongst his friends that have soured. He is probably aware of other challenges the two of you have not had to contend with yet. You need to have an open and frank discussion about all this.

 

Some of things people ready for marriage should be willing to talk about are;

 

* Children (to have or not have them?)

 

* Finances (how would the household be run?)

 

* Career (whose will take precedence if a promotion requires travel/moving?)

 

* Lifestyle (what kind of lifestyle do you both desire and what sacrifices are you both willing to have it?)

 

 

 

If these subjects have not come up and if either of you feel awkward or uncomfortable discussing these, then I'd suggest you are NOT ready to be married.

 

 

What you might consider is a long engagement (of about 2 years) where you prepare for marriage and address all of the above.