No love left....

[Marie]

I have no love left for my husband like a wife should.I care about him but just no deep love. I have been with him since I was 15 and that is a little over half of my life now. I have grown up and changed. He hasn't.

 

He has no trust in me and I have never given him any reason not to trust me. He has alienated me from all my friends. He chooses not to go out with his friends so I guess that is what he expects from me. When we go out it's just us.He doesn't like me to go out with my friend(she's the only one I have left). And if I do go(even just to a movie)I have to worry about the argument when I get home. So sometimes it is just easier not to go. Which I know makes him happy cuz that means he got HIS way. I am not a superficial type person but... He has gained like 90 pounds over the years, losing his hair and has very poor hygeine. The thought of kissing him or touching him completely turns me off. I know he senses how I feel. I really do feel bad that I feel this way. But I can't change how I feel. I have tried. I have tried to make love to him but I can't get into it and when we are thru I feel dirty. I don't see where counsleing would even help me with all this. I have kindly suggested things to him like brush his teeth wash more often etc...But I don't want to keep saying it cuz I feel like I am nagging him. And I have said it once then shouldn't he get the hint and wanna do it for me? He says he loves me but with the way he treats me I feel that I am just a habit and a comfy zone to him. I know the thought of me leaving him just eats him up cuz he thinks I would be leaving for another guy but that wouldn't be why. I don't need another man to complete my life I need to be me and get to know the woman I have become.He feels that he cannot live with out me.Which could be a sweet thing to feel. But it also sounds like a very insecure person to me that I have a hard time respecting. How can I respect him if he doesn't seem to respect himself? So please lend me some advice here.. Should I stay with him in hopes that he will finally change? I don't want him to change for me tho... He has got to want to do it for himself.Or should I move on and make the new life that I believe will make me happy?

 

I don't want to hurt him but while I am watching out for his feelings I am so miserable. I love myself and feel I deserve to be happy...Is this selfish of me? Can I be happy with him ever again? Well I think I have painted the picture here for you.If I left something out you'd like to know please ask.

 

Thank you for taking your time to read this and hopefully respond.

[Cynthia]

The distancing from his friends, the poor hygiene, and the weight gain all sound like symptoms of clinical depression...I'm not a psychiatrist, so I really can't make that much of a judgement call, but it sounds like your husband is having some serious problems.

 

Also, when a partner tries to isolate the other partner from his/her friends and family, that is a definate sign of an abusive relationship. I advise you to either help him seek counselling or take steps to separate yourself from him. I know it sounds harsh, but you can't really help someone who has a problem until they recognize that they are troubled. Otherwise, it's like banging your head against a brick wall.

 

Sometimes you have to step back and think about yourself. Do you really belong with this man? Does he belong with you? What if your present relationship is what's preventing him from developing as a person? He has eased into a comfort zone that doesn't challenge him to change and grow. That's a very dangerous place to be. It might be healthier, in the end, to jolt him into making a change in his life by leaving him. This doesn't mean you have to break off all ties with him...you could remain friends...but it's definately not healthy to remain in a romantic relationship with someone who repulses you.

 

C.

I have no love left for my husband like a wife should.I care about him but just no deep love. I have been with him since I was 15 and that is a little over half of my life now. I have grown up and changed. He hasn't. He has no trust in me and I have never given him any reason not to trust me. He has alienated me from all my friends. He chooses not to go out with his friends so I guess that is what he expects from me. When we go out it's just us.He doesn't like me to go out with my friend(she's the only one I have left). And if I do go(even just to a movie)I have to worry about the argument when I get home. So sometimes it is just easier not to go. Which I know makes him happy cuz that means he got HIS way. I am not a superficial type person but... He has gained like 90 pounds over the years, losing his hair and has very poor hygeine. The thought of kissing him or touching him completely turns me off. I know he senses how I feel. I really do feel bad that I feel this way. But I can't change how I feel. I have tried. I have tried to make love to him but I can't get into it and when we are thru I feel dirty. I don't see where counsleing would even help me with all this. I have kindly suggested things to him like brush his teeth wash more often etc...But I don't want to keep saying it cuz I feel like I am nagging him. And I have said it once then shouldn't he get the hint and wanna do it for me? He says he loves me but with the way he treats me I feel that I am just a habit and a comfy zone to him. I know the thought of me leaving him just eats him up cuz he thinks I would be leaving for another guy but that wouldn't be why. I don't need another man to complete my life I need to be me and get to know the woman I have become.He feels that he cannot live with out me.Which could be a sweet thing to feel. But it also sounds like a very insecure person to me that I have a hard time respecting. How can I respect him if he doesn't seem to respect himself? So please lend me some advice here.. Should I stay with him in hopes that he will finally change? I don't want him to change for me tho... He has got to want to do it for himself.Or should I move on and make the new life that I believe will make me happy?

 

I don't want to hurt him but while I am watching out for his feelings I am so miserable. I love myself and feel I deserve to be happy...Is this selfish of me? Can I be happy with him ever again? Well I think I have painted the picture here for you.If I left something out you'd like to know please ask. Thank you for taking your time to read this and hopefully respond.

[Marie]

The distancing from his friends, the poor hygiene, and the weight gain all sound like

 

symptoms

of clinical depression...I'm not a

 

psychiatrist,

so I really can't make that much of a

 

judgement

call, but it sounds like your husband is

 

having

some serious problems. Also, when a partner tries to isolate the other partner from his/her friends and

 

family,

that is a definate sign of an abusive

 

relationship.

I advise you to either help him seek

 

counselling

or take steps to separate yourself from him.

 

I

know it sounds harsh, but you can't really

 

help

someone who has a problem until they

 

recognize

that they are troubled. Otherwise, it's like

 

banging

your head against a brick wall. Sometimes you have to step back and think about yourself. Do you really belong with

 

this

man? Does he belong with you? What if your

 

present

relationship is what's preventing him from

 

developing

as a person? He has eased into a comfort zone that doesn't challenge him to change and

 

grow.

That's a very dangerous place to be. It might be healthier, in the end, to jolt him into

 

making

a change in his life by leaving him. This

 

doesn't

mean you have to break off all ties with

 

him...you

could remain friends...but it's definately

 

not

healthy to remain in a romantic relationship

 

with

someone who repulses you. C.

OMG!!! Iam not alone in all my thoughts about this..Everything you said here...the depression....TRUE!,abusive....TRUE!,Serperate for him as a wake up call....TRUE!Can't help himself till he recognizes it...TRUE!!!,And like banging me head against a wall...Oh so very true too! All those thought have gone thru my head too but I needed an outsiders look in to see if my thoughts could be some what on the nose here.I have suggestion outside help to him he says yes but never made the step towards it. I can't make the call for him cuz then HE wouldn't be doing it for himself. I would be. I also suggested seperating til he got the help he needs but to him me wanting seperate in his ears he hears DIVORCE I have assured him those are not my intentions. I have tried to map it out so it would work out as amicable as possible...Keep it out of the courts draw up our own child support agreement. I figured if we kept the courts out of it the he would see that this is only a temporary thing. We both need time apart to get to know ourselves and each other all over again I believe. Alot of times he tells me that I am the reason for the way he is. So thats where I said then If I am the problem then you need to be removed from the problem towork it out... Once again he just thinks I wan to leave for another man.Oh well I guess I could go on and on here....But I won't.

 

nce again Thank you so much for validating some of my thoughts and ot letting me think I was just being selfish....

 

Marie :-)

[Guest]

its time to move on life is way to short to be unhappy.its now time for your new happy life to begin. dont let anyone bring you down and do what it takes to enjoy your life as it is ment to be. Best of luck with your new found happyness.

 

Steve

 

I have no love left for my husband like a

wife should.I care about him but just no deep

love. I have been with him since I was 15 and

that is a little over half of my life now. I have

grown up and changed. He hasn't.

He has no trust in me and I have never given

him any reason not to trust me. He has alienated

me from all my friends. He chooses not to go out

with his friends so I guess that is what he expects

from me. When we go out it's just us.He doesn't

like me to go out with my friend(she's the only

one I have left). And if I do go(even just to

a movie)I have to worry about the argument when

I get home. So sometimes it is just easier not

to go. Which I know makes him happy cuz that means

he got HIS way. I am not a superficial type person

but... He has gained like 90 pounds over the years,

losing his hair and has very poor hygeine. The

thought of kissing him or touching him completely

turns me off. I know he senses how I feel. I really

do feel bad that I feel this way. But I can't

change how I feel. I have tried. I have tried

to make love to him but I can't get into it and

when we are thru I feel dirty. I don't see where

counsleing would even help me with all this. I

have kindly suggested things to him like brush

his teeth wash more often etc...But I don't want

to keep saying it cuz I feel like I am nagging

him. And I have said it once then shouldn't he

get the hint and wanna do it for me? He says he

loves me but with the way he treats me I feel

that I am just a habit and a comfy zone to him.

I know the thought of me leaving him just eats

him up cuz he thinks I would be leaving for another

guy but that wouldn't be why. I don't need another

man to complete my life I need to be me and get

to know the woman I have become.He feels that

he cannot live with out me.Which could be a sweet

thing to feel. But it also sounds like a very

insecure person to me that I have a hard time

respecting. How can I respect him if he doesn't

seem to respect himself? So please lend me some

advice here.. Should I stay with him in hopes

that he will finally change? I don't want him

to change for me tho... He has got to want to

do it for himself.Or should I move on and make

the new life that I believe will make me happy?

 

I don't want to hurt him but while I am watching

out for his feelings I am so miserable. I love

myself and feel I deserve to be happy...Is this

selfish of me? Can I be happy with him ever again?

Well I think I have painted the picture here for

you.If I left something out you'd like to know

please ask.

Thank you for taking your time to read this

and hopefully respond.

 

 

 

[Jim]

Hi Marie,

 

What you are feeling is ok. I agree with Cynthia, 100%.

 

He is a very insecure man, who should at least be considerate enough observe personnal hygiene. You do not

 

need to feel guilt. I don't think there is any hope in this

 

relationship. You did not say whether you had children.

 

Hopefully not, which would really complicate the situation

 

further. If you would like to talk some more, write me.

 

Jim

I have no love left for my husband like a wife should.I care about him but just no deep love. I have been with him since I was 15 and that is a little over half of my life now. I have grown up and changed. He hasn't. He has no trust in me and I have never given him any reason not to trust me. He has alienated me from all my friends. He chooses not to go out with his friends so I guess that is what he expects from me. When we go out it's just us.He doesn't like me to go out with my friend(she's the only one I have left). And if I do go(even just to a movie)I have to worry about the argument when I get home. So sometimes it is just easier not to go. Which I know makes him happy cuz that means he got HIS way. I am not a superficial type person but... He has gained like 90 pounds over the years, losing his hair and has very poor hygeine. The thought of kissing him or touching him completely turns me off. I know he senses how I feel. I really do feel bad that I feel this way. But I can't change how I feel. I have tried. I have tried to make love to him but I can't get into it and when we are thru I feel dirty. I don't see where counsleing would even help me with all this. I have kindly suggested things to him like brush his teeth wash more often etc...But I don't want to keep saying it cuz I feel like I am nagging him. And I have said it once then shouldn't he get the hint and wanna do it for me? He says he loves me but with the way he treats me I feel that I am just a habit and a comfy zone to him. I know the thought of me leaving him just eats him up cuz he thinks I would be leaving for another guy but that wouldn't be why. I don't need another man to complete my life I need to be me and get to know the woman I have become.He feels that he cannot live with out me.Which could be a sweet thing to feel. But it also sounds like a very insecure person to me that I have a hard time respecting. How can I respect him if he doesn't seem to respect himself? So please lend me some advice here.. Should I stay with him in hopes that he will finally change? I don't want him to change for me tho... He has got to want to do it for himself.Or should I move on and make the new life that I believe will make me happy?

 

I don't want to hurt him but while I am watching out for his feelings I am so miserable. I love myself and feel I deserve to be happy...Is this selfish of me? Can I be happy with him ever again? Well I think I have painted the picture here for you.If I left something out you'd like to know please ask. Thank you for taking your time to read this and hopefully respond.

[Marie]

Hi Marie, What you are feeling is ok. I agree with Cynthia, 100%. He is a very insecure man, who should at least be considerate enough observe personnal hygiene. You do not need to feel guilt. I don't think there is any hope in this relationship. You did not say whether you had children. Hopefully not, which would really complicate the situation further. If you would like to talk some more, write me. Jim

Hi Jim Thank you for your time. Yes I do have children 4 of them ages 12-3. I know it does make my situation more complicated. I really am confused on what to do. As of right now my friend (only 1 I have left) She wants me to get away with her for a week end just to get a break and as of right now he is giving me such a hard time about it.In his mind he already knows what I have done(messing around) and I haven't even gone yet.I just feel like saying I won't go but then he has gotten his way again Bullied me out of it.I really want to go and I think I do need and deserve the break but just not sure if it's worth the argument when I get back. Do you think I should not go for the sake of argument? Well hope to hear from you

 

Marie

[Cynthia]

Hi Marie, it's me again!

 

I think that it's doubly unhealthy for your children to be exposed to his abnormal behavior. I grew up in a home where my mother had occassional bouts of sever depression due to the deaths of my three older sisters. I can't say it made me sick and twisted to grow up there, but I can say that it was very difficult and I had a hard time associating iwth other children.

 

I know you're confused right now. You have every right to be. But you need to push aside those nagging doubts and fears and make that leap. Take a week end, even take a week away from your husband to think about what you want and need. Perhaps you have relatives who would be willing to take the children for a little while? Or maybe your friend could watch them. You need some "me" time, most definately.

 

Your husband cannot make the changes he needs to make if he can continue to live in the comfortable "same-ness" that you've been providing. He needs help. Desperately. You've tried to help him yourself but he won't accept it. It's time to force him to heal himself.

 

Good luck! I really hope everything turns out for the best. You definately deserve it!

 

C.

Hi Jim Thank you for your time. Yes I do have children 4 of them ages 12-3. I know it does make my situation more complicated. I really am confused on what to do. As of right now my friend (only 1 I have left) She wants me to get away with her for a week end just to get a break and as of right now he is giving me such a hard time about it.In his mind he already knows what I have done(messing around) and I haven't even gone yet.I just feel like saying I won't go but then he has gotten his way again Bullied me out of it.I really want to go and I think I do need and deserve the break but just not sure if it's worth the argument when I get back. Do you think I should not go for the sake of argument? Well hope to hear from you Marie

[laura]

Hi Marie, it's me again! I think that it's doubly unhealthy for your children to be exposed to his abnormal behavior. I grew up in a home where my mother had occassional bouts of sever depression due to the deaths of my three older sisters. I can't say it made me sick and twisted to grow up there, but I can say that it was very difficult and I had a hard time associating iwth other children. I know you're confused right now. You have every right to be. But you need to push aside those nagging doubts and fears and make that leap. Take a week end, even take a week away from your husband to think about what you want and need. Perhaps you have relatives who would be willing to take the children for a little while? Or maybe your friend could watch them. You need some "me" time, most definately. Your husband cannot make the changes he needs to make if he can continue to live in the comfortable "same-ness" that you've been providing. He needs help. Desperately. You've tried to help him yourself but he won't accept it. It's time to force him to heal himself. Good luck! I really hope everything turns out for the best. You definately dese

 

Dear marie,

 

I'm sorry about your situation.I know how it feels to be trapped. Iam going through the same thing.Please tell me what you did.My situation is slightly different.I have one year old son and iam 20 years old. My boyfriend is 10 years older than me.I got pregnant 5 months into the relationship and have been together for the past 2 years but i have spent the last year trying to figure a way out of the relationship.Since i have met him I have lost my family,friends,and self-esteem.I depend on him for everything because i am unemployed and afraid i can not make it with my son.If i did try to leave i'm afraid he would get violently angry and get physical.He constantly thinks i am going to cheat even though i never go anywhere and have no friends.Since i have met him i have only gone out to enjoy myself once and that was with him and that was the only time in 2 years.We met through a dating service which didn't give us much time to get to know eachother well and now i feel like i'm doomed to spend the rest of my life like this. Im 20 and feel like i have my whole life ahead of me.If i stay with him my life will only end with resentment and a lifetime of wondering what i could have done to change it.Please help your the only one who knows what i am going through.Anyone who can help?