Control or Lack of Trust?

[a4a]

Trying to find the root of the problem and I am sure others have dealt with this as well........ the second guessing spouse!!

 

This happens to me over and over again during building projects. I am quite capable of making decisions on building projects, even more so when the project is one that I decided to start and the project being built is for my use alone.

 

Why is it that I am questioned constantly about the plan of the project and it's usefulness to me? Is it a control or trust issue?

 

I will give a brief example of the most recent "elevated" discussion I had with the H about the building project.

 

H and I were working an additional space to house animals, it is to contain several rescued pot belly pigs. My plan is to put the animals in an area that is easily accessed for water, feed, has shade and must be very sturdy. No big deal, site was located, materials at hand, and we were ready to get started.

 

Then the questions start : Will the horses have a problem with them there? Will they eat the trees? Will they eat the turkey? Will they blah blah blah blah ....... yak yak yak yak. This went on for about 20 minutes.

 

Now H knows that I have 25 years exp. with animals and over 15 years exp in this line of work. Yet questions me like I am a 12 yr old. WTF? Even rode my ass about my chosen location for a gate..... questioning traffic patterns thru the gate, swing in swing out, hinge locations ect. ( I finally lost my cool with him at this point). I have hung over 20 gates in my life and think I am smart enough to figure things out without going to great lengths of research regarding the traffic patterns on a farm. LMAO!

 

I just don't get it, this is typical behavior on any project we take on together.

 

I am starting to wonder if I know how to retrieve the mail from the mail box properly.

 

The reason I need to solve this ASAP is the house is about to be gutted and remodeled (something I did for years, buying and selling homes). I would like to avoid killing him, so need to understand what the cause of this is.

 

He does not do this with his business, he can allow others to do what they do but does tend to look over their shoulder from time to time. With reason because some of the guys are new....... but is this a woman thing with him?

Competition thing with me? Control? Trust?

 

I do not question him in regards to how he goes about a project, I may suggest things from time to time but rarely do I feel the need to do so.

 

So have you lived with one of these men or women that nit picks, controls, or does not seem to trust you to even make a/have the ability to make a decision on your own?

[Guest]

Perhaps he just wants to know.

[Craig]

..... but is this a woman thing with him?

Competition thing with me? Control? Trust?

Could it be a habit?

[blind_otter]

Could it be a habit?

 

I was going to ask, maybe that's either (a) how he deal with stress or (b) force of habit...I doubt that he is doing this with malicious intent.

[amaysngrace]

maybe he is just trying to make you think things through. like he is making sure you haven't forgotten any detail. i think it's cute. he's looking after you in a way.

[alphamale]

I am starting to wonder if I know how to retrieve the mail from the mail box properly. ?

You talking email or regular mail?

[a4a]

maybe he is just trying to make you think things through. like he is making sure you haven't forgotten any detail. i think it's cute. he's looking after you in a way.

 

Nothing cute about being around a person that treats you like you don't know shyt. He won't look so cute when he ends up with the end of a claw hammer sticking out the top of his head.

 

Far from a woman that needs "help" to think things through. This is constant.

 

As for a habit he does not do this with everything or every person. It is starting to get ugly. I am starting to get weary of it. It seems to be more focused on me.

 

Perhaps he just became accustomed to dealing with women that could not do anything on their own in the building and construction areas of life. I feel like he is watching and passing judgement often when we do work together. Almost just waiting for me to screw up....... which if I do......so what? He is not perfect either but from his attitude you would think so.

[tinktronik]

A4A, I have one of these too. ( men I mean). Mines not insecure or controling. He's just the type of person that needs all of his bases checked double and tripple checked , before he's ready to act. This is just the way he works, perhaps yours is the same.

[a4a]

pooof......... light bulb!

 

Maybe he is upset because I can out do him in this area as well?

Competition factor????

 

Need for manly admiration is lost because of equal skills?

[michelangelo]

And pigs do eat tree roots.

[amaysngrace]

i know. my friends are like this too. she builds stuff, she is his right-hand man, if you will. but he is the "pro" in his eyes. but she's damn good in mine. i look at their relationship and am amazed by it. he does this to her too and she gets mad. she is more than capable. but, i think if this is as bad as it gets with him, she should count her blessings. JMO

[alphamale]

He's just the type of person that needs all of his bases checked double and tripple checked ,

Since the vast majority of engineers are men and they build bridges, skyscrapers, airplanes, homes, etc.... I would think the above trait would be a good thing to have. In the grand scheme of things, i mean...

[Touche]

You know it occured to me in thinking about this, because my H does it too, that it could go back to his childhood and his position in the family. My H is not the oldest but is the only male with four sisters. I think he did it with them and it's now a long established-habit. He grew up with an alcoholic stepfather so he really was the "father" figure in a way in his family.

 

Any similarities there?

[tinktronik]

Since the vast majority of engineers are men and they build bridges, skyscrapers, airplanes, homes, etc.... I would think the above trait would be a good thing to have. In the grand scheme of things, i mean...

 

Alpha , for the moment you and I agree , I do feel its a good thing to have . Whereas my projects are functional and safe , my s/o's are functional beautiful and safe , but done much later than mine. So if I want something done NOW I go ahead on my own .

[a4a]

You know it occured to me in thinking about this, because my H does it too, that it could go back to his childhood and his position in the family. My H is not the oldest but is the only male with four sisters. I think he did it with them and it's now a long established-habit. He grew up with an alcoholic stepfather so he really was the "father" figure in a way in his family.

 

Any similarities there?

 

3 sisters, no alcholics in the family. But we were/are both used to doing things on our own.

[Touche]

3 sisters, no alcholics in the family. But we were/are both used to doing things on our own.

 

Interesting that he grew up with 3 sisters. Do you think he was that way with them? Could the fact that he was the only male have anything to do with it?

[a4a]

And pigs do eat tree roots.

 

No I did not consider such things as gate placement, hinge side, drainage/slope...using the materials to get more out of them, strength, of the structure, and of course the finished appeal of the project....

 

Of course I did. I have been doing this for years. Not like the first fence I have ever put up.

 

I have yet to have a pig eat a tree root, of course my pigs are well fed. 10 years and not one tree/root eaten. Now rooting and need for a mud hole yes, but I already have the location for a rooting box and a wading pool for the pigs.

 

Why is it that it is assumed a woman can plan a wedding but not plan a building project? I am not pulling the male/female card here but as a side note I think it is quite funny. Like power tools are so mysterious..... and what are those lil' lines on a measuring tape for?

 

Back to arranging my silk flowers and choosing china patterns

[a4a]

Interesting that he grew up with 3 sisters. Do you think he was that way with them? Could the fact that he was the only male have anything to do with it?

 

Maybe the fact that they were too lazy to do anything around the house growing up His mother died when he was young so perhaps the lack of seeing a strong female figure is more the cause if it was to pertain to his childhood.

 

I think my abilities blow a strike to his manliness. He is awesome at building things and from time to time may error. But my abilities are just as good as his.

[catgirl1927]

Why is it that it is assumed a woman can plan a wedding but not plan a building project? I am not pulling the male/female card here but as a side note I think it is quite funny. Like power tools are so mysterious..... and what are those lil' lines on a measuring tape for?

 

Back to arranging my silk flowers and choosing china patterns

 

:lmao: :lmao: Brilliant. I also like the line about the claw hammer.

[amaysngrace]

Why is it that it is assumed a woman can plan a wedding but not plan a building project?

 

Back to arranging my silk flowers and choosing china patterns

 

the couple i was referring to...he helped with the floral arrangements for their wedding. he even sewed tassels on pillows for their big day. and he also built her a nice new addition this fall. i wish i could find a man like him. he cooks dinner every night. and gets their daughter on the bus each morning. plus, he's pretty easy on the eyes. i would take his "criticism" of me in a heartbeat.

[alphamale]

Why is it that it is assumed a woman can plan a wedding but not plan a building project?

I don't know A4A....why is it assumed that women carry and bear all the children? The reason is because the majority of women are not that good with math and spatial relations (geometry, measuring distances, etc...). And the majority of men are not that great with planning weddings.

[amaysngrace]

The reason is because the majority of women are not that good with math and spatial relations (geometry, measuring distances, etc...)

 

i'm great in math, Alpha. and i can use a measuring tape too. i don't have an eye for building, and some men don't have this either. if a4a can see how to build something, i admire that, and i'm sure some men would too.

[michelangelo]

How do you extrapolate from tree root and gate placement to wedding planning?

 

At least from my question one could not.

 

Pigs definitely will "root around" in tree roots. At least out here in california. You should see what they do in oak tree groves looking for truffles.

 

 

The wild ones will come out of the hills and plow through front yards looking for grubs. Flower beds upended, etc.

 

My mom remembers how clever the pigs were on her ranch as a kid. They could get out of a gated pen pretty easily if it wasn't designed right.

 

It is not a gender question to double-check with you what you did. so you have a lot of years of experience, so? Are you immune from error?

 

Do yo ever ask him similar questions? Or do you never question anything he does?

[a4a]

How do you extrapolate from tree root and gate placement to wedding planning?

 

At least from my question one could not.

 

Pigs definitely will "root around" in tree roots. At least out here in california. You should see what they do in oak tree groves looking for truffles.

 

 

The wild ones will come out of the hills and plow through front yards looking for grubs. Flower beds upended, etc.

 

My mom remembers how clever the pigs were on her ranch as a kid. They could get out of a gated pen pretty easily if it wasn't designed right.

 

It is not a gender question to double-check with you what you did. so you have a lot of years of experience, so? Are you immune from error?

 

Do yo ever ask him similar questions? Or do you never question anything he does?

 

Well we don't have truffles here. Of course pigs will escape, they are like tanks. Thus my attractive design for this large enclosure using 2x12x12s bolted to posts every 6 feet w/ 5 inch spacing and a galvanized stock paneled gate.

 

There is a huge difference in double checking after the plan has been laid out to a person.

 

Certainly I have made an error or two in the past but this is piggy fence #6, kinda got it down by now.

 

And I rarely question what he does in a project, if he is to error then that is his mistake to make. He did error on this pig fence as a matter a fact. shorted a board by an inch on the last run...... I trust that he does know what he is doing and if he screws up..... we/he will just fix it. I do not nit pick and debate each of his decisions, overall plan may be discussed but no need to debate each detail.

 

A good example is that I have operated a front end loader and large tractors since I was a kid, my H will still try to tell me how and what to do when I use the tractor around him. Yet he is the one who got it stuck in the creek bed

 

It is like having a backseat driver in your car....... same damn thing!

[blind_otter]

i'm great in math, Alpha. and i can use a measuring tape too. i don't have an eye for building, and some men don't have this either. if a4a can see how to build something, i admire that, and i'm sure some men would too.

 

So am I but let's be realistic. There were only 3 girls in my calc 3 class in college. Dems da breaks.