Should he say something to her?

[fedup82]

I don't know if my bf should actually tell his friend (a girl), who he's really good friends with and use to work with, to stop telling him she loves him. The thing is, she has a bf who she just moved away with. I know they're just friends, but it's the way she says it. He says she never tells him, but has only written in the cards she's given him. I wouldn't think anything of it, but my bf has lied to me about so many things revolving around her and their friendship, it just seems kind of inappropriate for her to be writing that to him. I understand she cares about him a lot and loves him as a friend, but her last card seemed to be saying something more. She was telling him how he means the world to her, thanking him for listening to her talk about whatever, and they'll share many more memories together and then she wrote "I love you -bf name-". I don't have a problem with her or them being friends, but here is where I'm coming from.

 

1. bf lied about her. says he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to think they were more than what they were.

2. he avoided my calls and text messages one night, only to discover them two in his truck talking about her moving away. he was with her and others from work at a bar from their workplace and afterwards both of them decided to sit in his truck at their work for like an hour or so.

3. she gave him a sticker saying "I love you" from the same night.

4. he lied about getting a valentine from her. She writes that he's the greatest and I love u again.

5. he lies again about getting a going away card, saying everything I said before.

 

My bf says he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn't want to fight. But I feel like I should be with someone who will respect me and should have told her after the first time she said(wrote) it. He says he knows she doesn't mean it like she actually has feelings for him, and he says he never says or has written it to her, so he didn't see the big deal.

 

Both of them tried dating before he and I got together, so I know if they actually had feelings for eachother, they would of worked out. I know that there is nothing going on, but after I put everything together, it just seems kind of wierd. I just wish my bf never lied to me from the beginning. It makes me feel like he had a reason to hide their friendship.

 

I guess what I want to know is whether he should even bother telling her that it's disrespectful and inappropriate to be telling him that. I want all of this to stop. the lies, the being unable to trust he's not hiding anything. Because if he tells her, she'll probably think I'm being stupid for feeling this way and to get over it, but at the same time, she probably doesn't know he's been lying to me so she doesn't realize how it looks to me. And I don't want her to hate me or think I'm this insecure psycho because he is a good friend of his and I don't want there to be tension between all of us. But I'm the one who is being affected by all of this. I know it's not her fault. My bf is the one who was lying and not respecting me, but what about her bf? Isn't she not respecting him by telling another guy(my bf) she loves him? On the other hand if he doesn't tell her, she won't stop, but I know she doesn't mean it how it sounds, or so I hope she doesn't. what would be the right thing to do? Should he tell her to stop or shouldn't she? He says he's going to today.

[Bryanp]

This is a tough one. The problem I see is that he has constantly lied to you about his actions with this girl. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed, he would be going out of his mind. I do think it is disrepectful to you and your relationship. He justifies his lying to you on the grounds he does not want to fight with you? The message he is sending you is that he has no problems lying to you period. I would think twice about this relationship. First, he is way too close to this girl. Second, he lies to you over and over again and justifies his lying. The bottom line is that you will never really know if he is telling you the truth about anything. Why would you wish to settle for this?

I wish you luck because you will need it if you stay in this relationship.

[catgirl1927]

He needs to tell her to stop, not you. If it comes from you she'll write it off as jealousy and think she really has a chance.

 

Men can very easily make women go away if they want to.

[fedup82]

It's one thing for him to FINALLY see where I'm coming from(or at least saying he is) and telling her to stop, but this is really making me question our relationship together and if I really want to put up with this anymore because it will be hard for me to trust he's being honest with me. I know he loves me and for the most part we're great together, but I don't feel like I can talk to him without him getting mad at me. But I understand why he gets mad because this is a constant issue. I'm always wanting to talk to him about the friend issue. But at the same time, it wouldn't still be an issue if he didn't keep lying about it. He is always telling me I make stupid comments and need to learn to think before I speak. But it's my way of getting a reaction from him and by him telling me this, he makes me feel like he thinks I'm stupid. I know I deserve better, but there's part of me that wants to keep holding on to us in hopes of getting better because I do love him. We have great chemistry and love one another, but I hate feeling like I can't depend on him emotionally. When is it enough to walk away? I probably should have a while ago, but I keep telling myself one more lie and I'm done, but here I am, still with him...hoping. So she's just a friend. But because he was able to lie to me about that, what else can he lie to me about? He says I'm the only one he wants to be with. He only loves me and never wants to lose me again.(We dated for about 1.5 years about 2 yrs. ago) so then why keep doing things he knows will hurt me? Should I just give up or try and see past this and hope things will eventually get better?

[Bryanp]

Judge a person by their actions and not by their words. His actions speak volumes. Dump him. You deserve better. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[fedup82]

I am so numb right now. I can't believe how stupid I was to believe we were meant to be because we got another chance. So I end up telling my bf not to bother telling her to stop saying she loves him because its pointless. He then got pissy and told me I need to make up my mind. If i want him to, he will, if I don't, he won't which drives me mad because he should of on his own in the first place anyways.

 

Well we decide he'd call me after work because he was on his lunch when we talked about this and didn't have time at the moment. Fine. So I wrote out this long note about how he makes me feel insignificant, doesn't respect me and how much he's hurting me by constantly lying and left it on his truck at work. so anyways. we decide then to just talk tomorrow(today) about it so we both don't say things we don't mean. fine.

 

well I went out for some drinks with my girlfriend and ended up getting a little tipsy. I go home pack a bag and head to his house because all I wanted to do at that moment was sleep next to him. bad judgment...I know. I get to his house and he's asleep with his tv and lights on. Then stupid me looks in his phone because I got a wierd text that obviously wasn't wanted to be sent to me. So I look and I see he text her earlier in the morning asking her if she misses him. She says how could she not and then he tells her he misses her a lot 2. Then there was stuff in there about how she's crying and wants to come back home cause she's unhappy and he asks her if she talked to this lady at work about getting her job back, but she says no because she'll cry even more, so he tells her that's okay. anything to get her back here. wtf!!!! And he was going to tell her to stop saying she loved him? BS!!!

 

So I slept in the other room because we got into a fight and pretty much said it was over. I just feel sooo disgusted that he could be such an insensitive jerk. I want to avoid him and change my cell number. I have nothing left to say to him. How could he do these things if he says he loves me and only wants to be with me and doesn't want to hurt me? He can't comprehend, no matter how many times I've told him, that lying to me like this is already hurting me. I'm just so hurt right now and feel so stupid for believing and trying to make excuses for him, but he obviously doesn't really care. I know I can do better. this is just so hard for me. I'm so frustrated, pissed, angry....

[catgirl1927]

I like the avoid him and change your number plan. He's obviously cheating on both of you, so get out. If you can, advise her to do the same. Unless she knows about you. You are better than to put up with this disrespect. Seriously.

[fedup82]

thanks. I have no idea what he tells her about me. she knows he's with me and she's with her bf, but obviously whatever they have between eachother is not just a friendship. I just don't understand. If he cares about her more than me, about her feelings, then why didn't they work out? Why did she move away with her bf if she has feelings for him because that's what all of this is pretty much saying? I just don't get it. I need to be single for a while. I'm so sick of guys right now. She can have him. They deserve eachother since they both have no problem disrespecting their significant others(her with her bf, and then my bf with me).

[catgirl1927]

He's a big time cake-eater. He'll cheat on her, too. He'll probably cheat on everyone. Just be finished with it. You don't need this drama.

[fedup82]

It just sucks because I love him and want to believe things will get better. That this is worth holding onto, but he has shown no sign of consideration or understanding. He only cares about himself and what he can get away with. I've done nothing but keep trying and wanting to understand and believe what he says, but I honestly don't even know why I'm bothering. I hate him so much right now. We only lasted a measely(sp?) 2-3 months!!! How did we ever last a year and a half before! He's obviously not cheating physically with her because she lives 3 hours away now and I don't believe he was when she was here, but do you mean emotionally cheating on me?

[catgirl1927]

Oh I thought physically too. But if he's messaging back and forth with an ex that he misses her then yeah, emotionally for sure.

 

I know how you feel. It's so hard when you invest so much of yourself in someone and find out they are not what you thought they were. But sometimes you just have to cut your losses. I can't stand the disrespect he's showing you. You deserve SO much better. And you'll have it!

[fedup82]

yeah...that's the crappy thing. They weren't ever really bf and gf. They only went on a few dates but have remained really good friends...a little too friendly if you ask me.

[fedup82]

WTF!!!! My bf(ex now...I think) sent me a text at like 1:30 am last night telling me he loves me and hopes I still feel the same. I told him I have nothing left to say to him. And he said "Really. Well I love u. I want to talk to you tomorrow"(which would be today). All I said was "why?" and I told him that he and his little girl friend can continue being whatever it is they are and that he didn't care and lost me for good after all the crap he did, or should I say didn't do. I also said they deserved eachother and now she can come back home like he wants her to and they can try again. Then I said goodbye. He never said anything after that. I'm sure he'll call me today still though. What am I to do? I do love him and want to be with him and I'm afraid I'll give in. I want to believe him and the things he says, but I know I can't. Do you think I should just tell him to talk to this friend he's been lying and disrespecting me with to really see what is going on between them before he even can be considered to stay with me. I want to tell him he needs to stop talking to her and saying things to eachother. That he needs to tell her it needs to stop. Would that be wrong of me? I don't want to ruin their friendship, but it sure as heck ruined us because of his lies. Even if he tells me he will talk to her or avoid her, I don't feel like he actually would. That he'll just lie to me about doing that too. What if I made him do it in front of me? Please help!!! I don't want it to be over, but I don't want to be with him if these things are going to continue. I keep thinking what if he really does stop contact or whatever, what if things would of gotten better, cause I know those feelings will always be there and I'll always wonder if we could of worked out...again.

[catgirl1927]

I think the person you love is who you think he is, not who he really is. If he really wanted things to work out, I think he would have called you back last night and not gotten off the phone until things were fixed. Unfortunately I think you need to let this go and start healing.

 

If he does call, I recommend not answering if you don't think you're ready to stand up for yourself. I would wait a couple of days so you see that you can live without him. A situation never seems as bad as it really is when you're on the inside. Give it a week of not having all this drama and I think you won't want to go back. Go ahead and start mourning this relationship. I really don't think he's going to stop. If you do get back together, it will only be so he can continue with things the way they are.

[fedup82]

well...we just talked. not much. of course i started crying. he says there is nothing going on between them. they're just friends. he says he'll tell her to stop saying she loves him, but he doesn't want me in the room when he does cause he says he feels awkward doing that. so i don't know. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but it's obviously not working according to me. I told him things have to change. he needs to stop lying. He says he doesn't know why he keeps lying to me. ????? He says he won't give up their friendship over me. He says he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. I don't want him to, but I told him friends don't talk every freakin day and tell eachother they miss eachother and he says he only said she should get back here(home) because she's unhappy where she lives now and he wants her to be happy. I just don't know what to do. take some space and think about it? I really don't think things will change and it hurts that he would rather have her in his life than me. I just don't know. oh, and I told him he puts her first, before me and he says that's not true. It just seems like he's more concerned about her feelings.

[Guest]

hey, fedup. your situation is partly like mine. i told you this in your last thread a while back though, to get out before things got worse. that was before you found all this other stuff tho.

 

im like you, i dont trust my bf because i know he lies to me and thats why i go through his texts like you go through your bf's. recently though, i have noticed he is blowing the girl off which is good after i talked to him but i still cant trust him cuz i know some other girl might come along. girls are horrible, this girl knows me and him are together, but still tries to come on to him. when he blows her off, she gets mad and i just want to be like b*tch you know about me, leave him alone!!

 

but anyway, our situations are slightly different besides the phone snoopin stuff, and our bf's get mad when we wanna talk about it and get mad when we go through their texts but its like, can you blame us? our bf's are the ones doing wrong but they wanna get mad when we bring stuff up to talk about it!

 

you are lucky you had the strength to break it off with him, cuz everytime i go to break it off i cant. its like my love for him is trappin me there. yeah sure i know hes tellin her to leave him alone, but the thing is i mean i know this, but i still dont trust him. i cant live my life in constant worry of who is he textin with. i think you did the right thing by letting him go. i mean what if that girl moves back here? no tellin what will happen.

 

i have thought about talkin to this girl myself , but i mean its pointless. your bf's friend knows about you, and my bf's friend knows about me, so it doesnt do any good to talk to them. obviously they dont care and it may make them try even harder to get with our bf's.

 

i think you should try your hardest not to go back to him. it will be miserable staying with him but still wondering what is going on and constantly looking through his phone. even if you dont look through his phone you will still be worried about it. just let it go. i hope everything goes good with you and that you stay strong in this!! there are other fish in the sea! i just hope i can get up the strentgth to leave my bf cuz i cant live like this anymore!

[witabix]

Reading through this I would definately advise taking some time out, at the least.

 

If I were in your shoes I would definately be out of there.

 

Friends are fine, we all have them. They should be kept in the proper place though. Behaviour that can be construed by an outside observer as inappropriate should be avoided.

 

Lying about her all time? He admits this? He doesn't know why he does? Rubbish, of course he does, he just won't tell you why he does. That is what happens when someone cannot be honest, they cannot be honest about anything to do with the lie.

 

Get yourself some space, tell him it is off for now, there is no point at all in insisting on the charade of telling her anything, with or without your presence. How will you ever believe him?

 

His behaviour has given you cause for concern and he refuses to deal with it. End of story. Say goodbye, that's what I did in a similar circumstance, it is not worth the turmoil and doubt. Just not worth it.

 

Then let him think about his own actions.

[catgirl1927]

well...we just talked. not much. of course i started crying. he says there is nothing going on between them. they're just friends. he says he'll tell her to stop saying she loves him, but he doesn't want me in the room when he does cause he says he feels awkward doing that. so i don't know. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but it's obviously not working according to me. I told him things have to change. he needs to stop lying. He says he doesn't know why he keeps lying to me. ????? He says he won't give up their friendship over me. He says he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. I don't want him to, but I told him friends don't talk every freakin day and tell eachother they miss eachother and he says he only said she should get back here(home) because she's unhappy where she lives now and he wants her to be happy. I just don't know what to do. take some space and think about it? I really don't think things will change and it hurts that he would rather have her in his life than me. I just don't know. oh, and I told him he puts her first, before me and he says that's not true. It just seems like he's more concerned about her feelings.

 

It seems like he cares about his feelings, then her feelings, then the dog's feelings, then maybe your feelings way on down the line. No one can tell you what to do, you're the only one in control of your life. But I really think you should just break it off. He has made his choice. He chose her.

[Guest]

he told you he would tell her but he wont tell her with you in the room???? WTF ever! that basically means hes not gonna tell her. thats a bunch of bs. hes stupid. your better than that! sorry if i sound harsh but that kinda makes me mad. you should tell him you wont get back with him till you hear him tell her. if you mean enough to him he will tell her in front of you. none of this you gotta be in the other room business. thats dumb

[Delectable]

Friends are fine, we all have them. They should be kept in the proper place though. Behaviour that can be construed by an outside observer as inappropriate should be avoided.

 

Lying about her

 

Gee I really feel for you. I know all too well what it is like when a bf does not defend your relationship and your feelings as much as he would defend his friendship with someone he used to be with. It is very unfortunate...

 

I mean you don't want to be that girl to issue an ultimatum, but you shouldn't have to. He should fight to protect your feelings and your relationship much harder than he should to keep an ex as a friend.

 

My heart is truly breaking for you right now.

[Guest]

are ya still staying strong??