Mostly to the men, Whats his Problem now??

[Teag]

I've been married for 3 1/2 years & been w/ my H for 5 years. We have a 3 yr old & I'm expecting our 2nd baby in a few months. My H is an alcoholic & he was drinking last night but everything was fine. We were playing around & he made a comment about my ex boyfriend and his name. (He has a females name) Well for some reason that got us in a discussion about our past. He made a comment about how many people I've been with, nothing bad at first just playing around.

 

I'm 23yrs old & have been with 6 people. I lost my virginity when I was 16yrs old. He knew ALL this. I told him when we first started dating. I've never kept anything from him, but he seems to have a selective memory & forgets alot of things. After his comment I said well I didn't lose my V until I was 16 & you lost your when you were 13 & how many people have you slept with. (He's never giving me a straight answer on it) But I know its been at least 15 people & I wouldn't doubt if its been more. & he was like then that means you were with 5 people in 1 1/2 yrs, that makes me sick. & he stars getting mad. He was like wait weren't you w/ ex bf for 6 months I said yeah. (although we were together for more than a year and he also know this) Then he was like eww that means you were with 4 people in less than a year you f***en slut. Needless to say I got offended.

 

I slept with 3 people in a year, got with my ex slept with him & was with him for alittle over a year, got w/ my H, waited 2 months to sleep with him, we broke up for a few months & I slept w/ my 6th person. And he is actually getting pissed. I'm like what the F*** is your problem this was before I met you & personally I think I've done good considering 90% of everyone I know my age has slept w/ 20 or more people. What is his problem, it didn't bother him before & he knew although he doesn't remember. Or was it just b/c he was drunk? He acted normal this morning before he went to work but he kept me up til 2am last night w/ this crap.

[tikigods]

While Im not a man I have to say that I would be worried about bringing another kid into a household with an alcholic

[whichwayisup]

My thoughts exactly. But obviously it's abit late for that.

 

Try to stay away from past relationship conversations. It really serves NO purpose in your present life - Hense the reactions that followed that conversation.

 

Also, him drinking is the main issue here, not your past! Please get him to go to AA! He HAS to stop drinking. And maybe you should consider going to some AL-NON meetings for support.

[Teag]

Yeah I know, this pg was a suprise considering I was on bc when i got pg. He's the one who brings up past relationships, I try to stay away from that conversation but you tend to defend yourself when it is brought up especially when I don't think I've done nothing wrong or been with too many people . I know his drinking is a problem but he won't go to AA and things haven't been bad between us lately & he has slowed down alittle..not much but alittle until this weekend. It just really bothered me that he got so pissed off b/c of something SO stupid.

[carmaenforcer]

got w/ my H, waited 2 months to sleep with him, we broke up for a few months & I slept w/ my 6th person.

 

By H, is that the guys you are with right now? If so, he might be a little but hurt about that last guy and is using your past to support the conflict in his head. You guys are having your second baby and your man is an alcoholic?

Might want to address that issue if you think it might be a problem in the fututre.

Don't be down on your self, you are not that bad. If you only had two people before him he might still have an issue with it. You gotta remember that some guys have that macho double standard thing going on strong and want you to have never been touched but still be a freak but only with him at the same time it's ok if he had a hundred women before you.

 

Yeah, being drunk probably had something to do with how far he took it but don't kid your self, it is stuff that is actually bugging him.

 

There is nothing that you can do about your past and he needs to just get over it. If you are a good woman/Wife now that's all that he needs to focus on and get off of that high horse.

 

Take is seriously because stupid or not these sort of problems can break people up if not dealt with.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I know, this pg was a suprise considering I was on bc when i got pg. He's the one who brings up past relationships, I try to stay away from that conversation but you tend to defend yourself when it is brought up especially when I don't think I've done nothing wrong or been with too many people . I know his drinking is a problem but he won't go to AA and things haven't been bad between us lately & he has slowed down alittle..not much but alittle until this weekend. It just really bothered me that he got so pissed off b/c of something SO stupid.

 

Well, when he starts asking questions about the ex's and your past, just change the subject and steer him away from that topic of discussion. DO not let him push you into a corner - Distract him by telling him what counts is the NOW and how much you love him, appreciate him and am glad he is your husband!

 

As for the drinking and him not wanting to go to AA, eventually when (I say when, not IF) it gets to the point where you can't leave him alone with your children out of fear he won't be responsible enough (Meaning, would you trust him alone with kids one evening and hope he doesn't drink all night?) then both of you have to talk together so he can see his drinking is a bad thing. Eventually he WILL have to go to AA or your marriage WILL be over. Your children come FIRST here and so does their safety. I mean, god forbid, something happened - COULD he actually be capable of driving a child to the hospital? Meaning if he wasn't drunk. Or if he was drunk, would he be sensible enough to take a cab? Those are things you must think about it...

[Teag]

By H, is that the guys you are with right now? If so, he might be a little but hurt about that last guy and is using your past to support the conflict in his head.

I'm with my husband right now. THis other guy I was with was at the very beginning of our relationship. My H & I got together when I was 18, 2 1/2 months later we broke up, I didn't see or talk to him for over a month, I slept with this guy 1 time, he was a friend of mine & it just appened. About a month 1/2 later we got back together. He slept w/ 2 other girls in this time numerous times. He doesn't even remember this, he thinks I slept w/ ALL 5 other guys BEFORE we met. We started dating about 2-3 weeks after I met him. This last guy isn't an issue. The issue to him is he thinks I slept with 5 guys w/in a 1 1/2 yrs span. which isn't true anyway. I slept w/ 4 guys w/in a 2 yrs span, all of which I was dating, I didn't just go around sleeping w/ guys I barely knew. I don't think I'm a bad person & I KNOW I have done nothing wrong. Most everyone I know my age have been w/ at least 15 or mare partners.

 

As for the drinking and him not wanting to go to AA, eventually when (I say when, not IF) it gets to the point where you can't leave him alone with your children out of fear he won't be responsible enough (Meaning, would you trust him alone with kids one evening and hope he doesn't drink all night?) then both of you have to talk together so he can see his drinking is a bad thing. Eventually he WILL have to go to AA or your marriage WILL be over. Your children come FIRST here and so does their safety. I mean, god forbid, something happened - COULD he actually be capable of driving a child to the hospital? Meaning if he wasn't drunk. Or if he was drunk, would he be sensible enough to take a cab? Those are things you must think about it...

 

Yes I have thought about this numerous times before. I've come close to leaving him twice b/c of this & other reasons. I know I have alot to think about about but its just alot harder said than done.

[RecordProducer]

Drunk people tend to find the most ridiculous reasons to pique a fight. The way he treats you and talks to you is disrespectful. You should NOT allow him to call you names under ANY circumstances. He must apologize to you for calling you a F-ing slut and go to rehabilitation. It's impossible to live with someone who is constantly drunk so you only have 3 options:

 

1. To live in a terrible marriage;

2. To divorce him sooner or later; or

3. To make him stop drinking.

[carmaenforcer]

It's good that he doesn't know that this guy was a friend, I don't know about you H but I would have major issue with this fact.

Sorry, personal issue, read some of my posts or threads, you'll know where I'm coming from.

 

Anyway, sorry again, back to you.

Yeah, you can not try to use reason or logic when looking at this situation because you H is not being reasonable or logical. I don't think you are a slut at least not from what you have told us about you and the circumstances and even if you were, look who you married. I mean talk about the pot calling the kettle black. 2 girls in that short of a time. He has no room to complain.

[blind_otter]

Yep, I agree with other posters. This is missing the big issue, and with an alcoholics, you guys could totally resolve the issue tonight, and it would come up again. Alcoholics do have horrible memories because they are constantly damaging their brain. When I was drinking I would forget my home phone number, which I've had for 8 years.

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with an alcoholic husband at this time. My condolenscenes.

[Teag]

It's good that he doesn't know that this guy was a friend, I don't know about you H but I would have major issue with this fact.

Sorry, personal issue, read some of my posts or threads, you'll know where I'm coming from.

 

I haven't read any of your threads yet. (but will) but this shouldn't even be an issue on whether he was a friend or not considering we were broke up at the time & I had no clue that we would get back together. Like I said I didn't even see or talk to him or any of husbands friends for more than a month. I don't understand why it would be a factor. We were only together alittle over 2 months when we broke up & it was nothing serious then nor was I ever considering it to be serious. BTW I haven't seen or talked to this other guy (friend) in more than 5 years.

 

 

Yep, I agree with other posters. This is missing the big issue, and with an alcoholics, you guys could totally resolve the issue tonight, and it would come up again. Alcoholics do have horrible memories because they are constantly damaging their brain. When I was drinking I would forget my home phone number, which I've had for 8 years.

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with an alcoholic husband at this time. My condolenscenes.

 

Thanks, I guess I really need to re-evaluate my situation.

This is the first time he has EVER called me ANY kind of name. Thats one reason it surprised me that much. We've had our fights about this (you can read my other threads) but he's never called me any names. I just don't know.

[blind_otter]

Well with alcoholism you can't expect things to stay the same level of misery. It gets progressively worse, because the whole process is one of degeneration and decay. His emotional state, mental state, and cognitive abilities will slowly dribble away as he drinks. That's just what alcohol does to you, especially longterm alcohol abuse.

[Kenyth]

That's part of why alcoholics drink. It starts when they try to self-medicate to forget what they can't accept. Then it becomes compulsive habit, regardless of the original problem. Lastly, it becomes a physical addiction. The sad part is, through all of it, the original problem is still there, unresolved.

[carmaenforcer]

I had a problem with alchoholism a while back, lucky for everyone else that I wasn't with anyone at the time. I was dealing with a devorce and the loss of a child to cancer, like Kenyth said, I was trying to self medicate at first and before I knew it I was walking around the house looking for anything with alchohol in it to drink. I was able to instanty stop drinking get my isht together and go on with my life. I still drink now but I am careful to not do it for the wrong reasons and I'm a happy drunk not an instant A-hole.

[MusicWoman]

 

Thanks, I guess I really need to re-evaluate my situation.

This is the first time he has EVER called me ANY kind of name. Thats one reason it surprised me that much. We've had our fights about this (you can read my other threads) but he's never called me any names. I just don't know.

 

From what I know about abuse of substances....and the physical and emotional abuse that comes out of it, it will only get worse.

Humans, well most anyways, test their boundries. Just like little kids do with their parents so will adults, and they will do this even more so and to a greater extent when abusing drugs or alchohol.

 

So, he spins off talking about crazy things when he drinks, and then you deal with it. Then, he gets angry for no reason, and you deal with it. Then he starts to call you names, and you deal with it. Hes gonna be thinking, and it may be subconciously, that 'hey, i did this and shes not leaving me, so i can keep doing it'. Do you really want to wait until he starts throwing things? Or does something to you? Or forgets about the young children? Starts getting so drunk that hes yelling at your children for no reason instead of you?

 

Think of your kids, tell him he needs to get help, and make him listen

[uncool]

yeah a husband who calls his wife a f-ing slut for no reason... doesn't really love his wife...drunk or not. I'd be for threatening a divorce or something major to get his attention. There are men out there who would worship the ground you walk on. (even drunk men)