too much information?

[capri]

I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, and i am absolutely faithful to him. We've been together for nine months now but at least seven of those nine months has been very chaotic, that meaning that i have undergone months of cruel verbal abuse from him, anything from his criticizing my weight to refusing the gifts (just a white shirt and shorts from an expensive designer) I buy for him,and his excuse is as he's pushing it away, "I don't wear that design. You should take it back." Verbal abuse, from, "You're never going to make it (in life)," to, "you have too many insecurities," to, "I don't want to hear about your career," to telling me that his friendship with his ex-girlfriend is more important than his friendship with me. !!! And this only the TIP of the ICEBERG. Sure he has paid for almost every single expense (food, gas, etc.) when he's visiting me, bought me lots of techno gadget gifts. I should be happy, right? No, I was in great misery. Whenever I had a concern about him whenever I CALMLY and MATURELY and TACTFULLY approached him, he would always take it as a confrontation and would be even more abrasive and more denying of my feeligs.

 

I was miserable inside. I was new to this long-dstance thing and to relationships altogether. He was my second boyfriend. Not knowing what to expect, though I did anticipate some things. I was just going with the flow of things, see how I end up. UGH. I felt like I had to take my feelings, tie my tongue in a knot and swallow them until the day I die. That is, until I started talking about them with my friends. They told me that I did not have to take this Sh*T and to dump him ASAP. Everyone I talked to, male, female, to get advice and their insight, told me the EXACT SAME THING, "I don't care! Just because he's not hitting doesn't mean he's not hurting you! DUMP HIM NOW!"

 

I did listen to them, and take their perspective into great consideration. I then began to see this so-called "relationship" into a new perspective, as an experience for something better to come in the future ). If it weren't for my friends to talk about my feelings and to have their comfort and support for me, I think I probably would have continued being miserable. I finally gained up the courage to write him the longest email I had ever written. To make a long story short, it HIT him very HARD. He wanted me back, and I had him by the balls, to say the least. Now,

 

When he called later that night, earlier in the day, I had promised a guy friend (19 years old, four years my younger, so he's like a little brother to me) to pick him up and go to the arcade. We went and I dropped him off at his house, but then he started talking about his ex-girlfriend, so I stayed and listened to him in my car. My boyfriend called close to midnight and began to appoligize all over again, and then he got REALLY serious, telling me that he was building his future around me. My guy friend in the car was nice enough to be very quiet. I later shared with him everything that my boyfriend had told me. When my boyfriend asked me if I was at home, I said "yes", because the phone line was busy do to me staying online. Should I have told him that I was with a guy friend that night instead of white-lying to him? You might say that who am I to be going around picking up guys to the arcade and dropping them off at their house to listen to their problems, and to tell them mine, all late at night when my boyfriend's 400 miles away from me. *sigh* I dunno, I just had the ooportunity that night for him to open up to me, and he did. I feel guilty for lying to my boyfriend. But is too much information, too much? IMy girl-friend told me, "if nothing happened that night with your guy-friend, then there's nothing to tell." do trust my guy-friend, but I think I'm just paranoid that my boyfriend might find out, and if he does, what should I tell him? After all I have never kept anything from him, and he trusts me, I feel like I really did him wrong.

 

*I'm sorry it's soo long (, but thank you guys for reading my posting! )

[Peaches]

If a guy tells you to lose weight and is mean about it, then he won't wear something you bought him and he is downright mean to you half the time, why do you even CARE that you lied to him? he tells you that you will never make it in life?? that is enough to depress anyone. there is probably some guy just waiting on you to give him a chance that is in the same city you are. give up this long distance guy...he won't change forever. he is being nice to get you back, but he will just go back to trashing you eventually.

 

just my opinion.

 

Peaches

 

I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, and i am absolutely faithful to him. We've been together for nine months now but at least seven of those nine months has been very chaotic, that meaning that i have undergone months of cruel verbal abuse from him, anything from his criticizing my weight to refusing the gifts (just a white shirt and shorts from an expensive designer) I buy for him,and his excuse is as he's pushing it away, "I don't wear that design. You should take it back." Verbal abuse, from, "You're never going to make it (in life)," to, "you have too many insecurities," to, "I don't want to hear about your career," to telling me that his friendship with his ex-girlfriend is more important than his friendship with me. !!! And this only the TIP of the ICEBERG. Sure he has paid for almost every single expense (food, gas, etc.) when he's visiting me, bought me lots of techno gadget gifts. I should be happy, right? No, I was in great misery. Whenever I had a concern about him whenever I CALMLY and MATURELY and TACTFULLY approached him, he would always take it as a confrontation and would be even more abrasive and more denying of my feeligs. I was miserable inside. I was new to this long-dstance thing and to relationships altogether. He was my second boyfriend. Not knowing what to expect, though I did anticipate some things. I was just going with the flow of things, see how I end up. UGH. I felt like I had to take my feelings, tie my tongue in a knot and swallow them until the day I die. That is, until I started talking about them with my friends. They told me that I did not have to take this Sh*T and to dump him ASAP. Everyone I talked to, male, female, to get advice and their insight, told me the EXACT SAME THING, "I don't care! Just because he's not hitting doesn't mean he's not hurting you! DUMP HIM NOW!" I did listen to them, and take their perspective into great consideration. I then began to see this so-called "relationship" into a new perspective, as an experience for something better to come in the future ). If it weren't for my friends to talk about my feelings and to have their comfort and support for me, I think I probably would have continued being miserable. I finally gained up the courage to write him the longest email I had ever written. To make a long story short, it HIT him very HARD. He wanted me back, and I had him by the balls, to say the least. Now, When he called later that night, earlier in the day, I had promised a guy friend (19 years old, four years my younger, so he's like a little brother to me) to pick him up and go to the arcade. We went and I dropped him off at his house, but then he started talking about his ex-girlfriend, so I stayed and listened to him in my car. My boyfriend called close to midnight and began to appoligize all over again, and then he got REALLY serious, telling me that he was building his future around me. My guy friend in the car was nice enough to be very quiet. I later shared with him everything that my boyfriend had told me. When my boyfriend asked me if I was at home, I said "yes", because the phone line was busy do to me staying online. Should I have told him that I was with a guy friend that night instead of white-lying to him? You might say that who am I to be going around picking up guys to the arcade and dropping them off at their house to listen to their problems, and to tell them mine, all late at night when my boyfriend's 400 miles away from me. *sigh* I dunno, I just had the ooportunity that night for him to open up to me, and he did. I feel guilty for lying to my boyfriend. But is too much information, too much? IMy girl-friend told me, "if nothing happened that night with your guy-friend, then there's nothing to tell." do trust my guy-friend, but I think I'm just paranoid that my boyfriend might find out, and if he does, what should I tell him? After all I have never kept anything from him, and he trusts me, I feel like I really did him wrong. *I'm sorry it's soo long (, but thank you guys for reading my posting! )

[Kiz]

I posted the following yesterday to a participant who had not been "nice" to an ex and wanted to be her friend again...I think some of it applies to you as well (note that my ex from two years ago was a master at telling me how fat I was, how ugly I was, how I would never amount to anything...I always made excuses because I wanted to be "supportive" of him...SCREW that...support yourself and dote on a man who deserves the great person that you are!):

 

Two years ago, I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. My ex found a woman (Harvard Law educated, no less) who was willing to hang out with him even though she knew he was with me.

 

When I found out, I lost it...this man had beaten me, but told her I was crazy. She called me on the phone and proceeded to discuss details of my sex life with him and tell me how bad he said I was in bed.

 

When I slapped him, he beat me up. She told me I deserved it and they both proceeded to tell others that I was the one trying to break them up.

 

I am still in weekly therapy.

 

When someone else mistreats you (verbally, emotionally, physically) they destroy something in you.

 

This guy you are dating sounds like a master manipulator and control freak. Find a good guy close to home and enjoy your relationship!

 

Keep us posted!

[capri]

you are right about that, peaches. I was totally depressed and even more so when he argued that I had "too many insecurities." I mean, WTF?! ugh. As you said, I should be careful and mindful that he might not change forever...

 

i like your opinion ^_^,

 

capri

[capri]

Oh my god, you're right and you hit the nail right on the head. Even though he was carelessly vicious in his words, I HAVE been making excuses because I wanted to be "supportive" of him. YOU ARE RIGHT! It was like this cycle where I am running in circles, never realizing that it didn't get me anywhere at all.

 

Reading about your previous experience shocked me. And then i realized that if you were my girl-friend, I would NEVER let you go through with all that. I guess in my case, somebody had to tell me that, since sometimes we never really do what we know is the right thing to do when it comes to "luv" or whatever.

 

You must have given him a LOT of support he really didn't deserve, that horrible man! UGH! I can't believe he hurt your soo much!! And I know you loved him as well, so you kept with him, but you finally found out what you're worth, that you're worth more than all the bad things he says and all the money he makes, and smarter than ANY whore/harvard grad he goes out with.

 

yes, my boyfriend destroyed me in every way, emotionally, and by that, physically, where i had a lot of anxiety and had trouble sleeping at night, thinking that there must be something that I don't completely understand because i am inexperienced. What foolishness!

 

I am learning everyday about myself. I know what I am worth now. And so should you. Be strong, Kiz.

[Kiz]

Capri-

 

Understand that my ex was horrible,but I was no angel, I began to fight back at the end and I said horrible things to him, his family, etc...this doesn't excuse his abuse AT ALL, but don't think I was perfect.

 

Yes, I did love him. We were to be married. I made a lot of excuses. Even though we were both in law school and I was working two jobs to pay bills/my way, his parents paid his rent, his travel expenses, his grocery bill, in short everything. I wrote it off as his being fortunate;what I didn't see was that he was totally incapable of taking care of himself and that his parents always made excuses for him. So, anytime he abused me, he always had a justification.

 

We went on a vacation (that I paid for and am still financially paying for). He was very clinically depressed (I realized later) and when I tried to call his family and get him help, he threw the phone at me, hit me, a ton of stuff. It was a nightmare.

 

But, I still stayed with him. Three months later, he was cheating and telling his new friends in his bar review class that I was stalking him (this I found out later). At the same time, he was sending me horrible emails that he was going to kill himself/me/my family, etc and that I wasn't taking proper care of him.

 

I started going to therapy because I didn't know how to deal with him. (Even though all of my friends, male & female, hated him and hated what he did to me, I didn't want to leave my "baby"...I knew I could help him...he had to want to help himself).

 

In the end, I had to get a restraining order. He had passed the bar by this time and the "new" girlfriend had begun calling me. It took me a year after the final beating (administered on our anniversary) to even feel that I could be in the same room with male family members. Everyday was a struggle.

 

In the end, he destroyed himself. He kept neglecting to tell employers about the restraining order (for attorneys, it's not what you did in the past, it's that you DISCLOSE). He took a job prosecuting abuse cases and didn't tell his supervisors about his past. When they found out, he was fired and they wrote a letter to his state bar.

 

I'm telling you this not to gloat over my the misfortune of my ex (I think that had he worked out his issues he would have been a great guy and a darn good attorney);but rather, so that you will know you are no alone.

 

We all do foolish things for "love". It's what makes us human and in my opinion, special.

 

The important thing is that we learn and grow stronger.

 

All of the best to you!