In Sync Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I stood by her through all her problems. We agreed to move away from friends and family and my stable job. She has stablility now and things are very, very tough for me. She knew it was going to be like this, as did I. But we did it for our future. She can not bring herself to even give me an explanation as to what happened. Instead I just have to turn this stuff over in my head and look for reasons. How am I supposed to have a trusting relationship again? I have too much on my plate now thanks to my partner that walked away. I do not want to hate her. I want to forgive her and wish her well. But I am so incredibly hurt and confused. TravelLight, contacting her did you no good. Please become rock hard now. PUT YOUR FOCUS ON YOURSELF. You gotta let this go, because now from your thread one can tell that you are rehashing the past. Do anything to put the breaks on runaway thoughts. You willhave a trusting relationship but getting to a grounded position is your top priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 You have a relationship, you're involved in all different levels, emotionally and financially. Things are changing and moving forward. Then one day, that's it for you. No second chance, no explanations. So what about next time? Am I just going along in a relationship and this happens again? How can I start making committments when I don't what went wrong? Why has she changed into this? Why won't she allow me this conversation? Her responses are like she is wishing I die some horrible death. I don't think what I ask is unreasonable. She could just say OK, I will do this for you because the relationship meant something to me. But no, she has to make me feel so flaming uncomfortable about it. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtbeyondwords Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Travellight, I was in your shoes as many of us have been. I know all you want is for this to make sense, you want answers that bring closure to a relationship that meant the world to you. Trust me Ive been there. I personally got to a point where I did not want to hurt anymore. I didnt want to let the breakup eat away at my soul. I am turning to acceptance. It's been the hardest thing that Ive had to do but do not regret it. Noone blames you for not being able to accept the downfall without explanation. A time will come when you do. Try and make a consious decision to accept what you can when you can. Doing so will make it easier on yourself. I purchased a book recently and it's been a great help. It's caled "How to heal a broken heart in 30 days". It teaches you to reflect and move forward at your own pace. As much as it hurts it's important to face your pain. In Sync is right, you need to worry about yourself right now. Heal yourself, the answers you are looking for will come in time. Be patient:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Thank you, hurtbeyondwords. Those are good words. Everyone expects me to be tough. I have so much weighing down on me I'm not sure I can cope with it and feel like I have exhausted all options. I came so close to walking away from my life once, it sometime feels like I should have just done it. Some would say just pull out of it and stop being so pathetic. Well maybe they're right. I am just hurting at the moment. I wanted some kinder words from her, to show some respect and maybe some responsibility for what's happening. She will not do it it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtbeyondwords Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 this quote has had a lot of meaning for me: "there is nothing to be done. only accept it. . . and hurt." Everyone searches for that one answer, the one that will make everything feel better. The truth is that there is no answer. The cure is in yourself. The only way you are going to find that cure is if you face your pain, accept it but don't let it linger. When the pain does pass you will feel refreshed with a new level of understanding. We feel this pain so that we can heal. The fact that you hurt shows that you are healing. This is going to be a tough time. The only thing you can do right now is talk to friends family and of course all of us here on LS. Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 "came so close to walking away from my life once, it sometime feels like I should have just done it." I PROMISE you how you feel right now is temporary. I have been there too and been around so many people there as well. (spent something like 7 months in psych hospital, so have seen alot of friends going through this) It is like the most vivid bad dream you have ever had, but the thing with it is you will wake up. It will pass, no you cant just turn it off, but try not to be alone. Can you invite a friend or family member over to stay, even for a night? You dont have to entertain them or talk about how you feel if you dont want to but just having someone there will help stop your thoughts from spiralling out of control. (at least thats been my experience). You were getting on so well and you will again, this is a bump in the road, it may feel like a bottomless pit of a bump, but you keep going forward and you will be back up on the road soon. Just hold on and sit it out, abliet not alone if possible. Were here rooting for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Thank you. I am isolated at the moment. One of the reasons I am annoyed at her for deciding to move and then ending it. Was doing very well, I had discovered being on my own again was not so bad. I have made a lot of new friends as well. These problems aren't for them though. She expected me to just move back again, as if it was that easy. I put my family through a lot. I don't want to start that up again. Just missing the point at the moment. Coming to terms with the person I love does not exist in this life for me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Sugar, i forgot that you had moved. And i know what you mean about the new friends, for stuff like this you need someone you can really trust. You may feel it would be burdening your family, but listen thats what family is for. My sis has been in turmoil for 12 years with her cheating/abusive husband i much prefer that she calls when she is upset than think she might try to go it alone, same with the mammy, shes had a drinking prob since before i was even concieved and id hate to think she would be having difficulties with that alone. Maybe you could give them a call or even go home for the weekend - if finances and logistics permit? If not, then go see a movie (even alone - its actually really liberating to go movies alone) and make it a funny one. I dont mean to trivialise and say oh a movie will make it better but it will help pass some time for ya. The technique i have learned for this stuff is KNOWING that it will pass. Or, i bet there is a closet or drawer that is full of crap you could sort out, anything but laying or sitting thinking is good. its hard to think about the doing of these things, but once you start doing them it does make you feel a little less badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Went out for a bit. I am shaking with fear. Seems things are falling apart. She wants me to hate her. I won't do it. I have just been kidding myself with this recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Ok, some deep breaths, i dont know maybe you are having a sort of panic attack? Dont force youself to do stuff if you dont feel able to right now. Maybe a cup of tea with a little sugar would help? (I dont know, it always helps me a bit) Try concentrating on the littlest things right now. Your head might be spinning with thoughts and your body may be reacting physically. But again, know that it will pass. Nope, you werent kidding yourself with your recovery, that you didnt feel bad a few days ago was real. And you can do it again. I know its frustrating that it feels like square one, but you will get through this. Are you ok? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Yes. I am OK thank you. I am tired I think and upset. It feels like the last 4 years were a total joke. The thoughts about the relationship are making me react like I was completlely cheated and my judgement in the world is all wrong. I feel she is happy I'm like this. I have to snap out of it. There are much worse things going on in the world. Thanks for the support. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 TravelLight No one expects you to be tough and hard hearted, but it would be disingenuis of anyone to say oh go ahead, keep trying to contact this girl. We can't be there to give you a hug, but we all feel compassion and empathy, and despite what appears to seem "tough" advice, sometimes offering you a firm hand is just as helpful as a offering you a kleenex. Regardless we are all in your corner. You are going to hurt, and there's no shame in trying to salvage a relationship but then there comes a point when you simply gotta let it go or you will make yourself sick..physically as well as emotionally. You pointed out something 'There are much worse things going on in the world.' Not that it should mean your pain is insignificant but some people will never be able to love again, or their battles are fighting cancer, or losing a parent or child. Look around you. And walk in other people's shoes for a minute. Then come back to your life. So this girl movd on...and you can't? You may never get the apology or recognition of the hurt she threw your way. Are you going to let that stop you from loving ANYONE??? I doubt it. Reflect put it in persopective and start moving away...step by step. Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I'd say your thouroughly exhausted. Hopefully you will get good sleep tonght. Its nearly bedtime where i am in the world. Here are some (slightly girly) tips if you have trouble sleeping: - hot bath before bed - play new age / meditation music at low volume while you try to sleep (lots of this freely available on the web - not normally my cup of tea but can really help relax you if your thoughts are racing) - if you can pick up some lavendar essential oil and burn it with a little carrier oil (i.e. sweet almond oil) its a good relaxant - or johnsons have a lavendar bath wash - tv keeps alot of people awake Dont be hard on yourself for feeling down. Hurt is hurt no matter what the problem is. Now, wallowing unecessisarily is pointless, but you have to take care of yourself and when your body is reacting like this it takes a little time to get things back under control. Sleep, eating properly, exercise and mental diversions are so important right now/ Thoughts are with you. Edited to say: in_Synch we posted at the same time, prolly giving opposite advice! you are right in what you say - i thought a day or two of rest and takin it easy might put him in a better frame of mind to start working on healing again, but theres no time like the present for that i 'spose. ( i find with myself, no matter how much i try, i gotta feel the pain for a day or two before i can think clearly again) Link to post Share on other sites
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Agreed. I thought my experience was going to be an exception. I was also kidding myself about my motivation. Or in the least, about beleiving that the conversation is going to go in the direction I want it to go. And of course, it doesn't go that way. I am sure she is aware of it. I thought our period of no contact may have given her some time to reflect and have something to say. It isn't happening. She is cutting me no slack and giving me no answers. I will make myself sick if I do not accept she may never do this for me. Maybe all the answers are there already anyway. Maybe I have to accept that her thoughts about me turn her stomach. I wish I could be cold. It seems to be a successful strategy. I am thankful for the advice I get. I am thankful I have my health. I am looking at ways of giving back to the world. I am struggling with this situation and I get very down about it. I will try to make sense of it somehow. It is about not being stabbed in the back again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 I'd say your thouroughly exhausted. Hopefully you will get good sleep tonght. Its nearly bedtime where i am in the world. Here are some (slightly girly) tips if you have trouble sleeping: - hot bath before bed - play new age / meditation music at low volume while you try to sleep (lots of this freely available on the web - not normally my cup of tea but can really help relax you if your thoughts are racing) - if you can pick up some lavendar essential oil and burn it with a little carrier oil (i.e. sweet almond oil) its a good relaxant - or johnsons have a lavendar bath wash - tv keeps alot of people awake Dont be hard on yourself for feeling down. Hurt is hurt no matter what the problem is. Now, wallowing unecessisarily is pointless, but you have to take care of yourself and when your body is reacting like this it takes a little time to get things back under control. Sleep, eating properly, exercise and mental diversions are so important right now/ Thoughts are with you. Edited to say: in_Synch we posted at the same time, prolly giving opposite advice! you are right in what you say - i thought a day or two of rest and takin it easy might put him in a better frame of mind to start working on healing again, but theres no time like the present for that i 'spose. ( i find with myself, no matter how much i try, i gotta feel the pain for a day or two before i can think clearly again) Many thanks. I am starting to chill already. Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Thats sounding much more logical now, you can admit to yourself that it wasnt so much about closure than about maybe 2nd chance - but - Dont try to make sense - thats where you will drive yourself to nonsensical places! You cannot make sense of what somebody isnt telling you. (I just learned this with my own ex) You gotta come to peace with the fact that you may never now the exact whys and wherefores but all you really need to know is that she isnt there with you. (i hate writing that because it might hurt you) Acceptance, peace and letting go of the illusion that "knowing" will make it easier or better are what will help you really get over it. They will come in time. Link to post Share on other sites
trone Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 TL, I do nto know what she told you but I feel that she does not want to hear anything about your past. Some people can not confront if anything had really affacted their life and they are still not over it. Link to post Share on other sites
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