Appropriate to go to Clubs/bars

[jmmm]

I just wanted opinions on what people are ok with when in an exclusive relationship. Do you think its appropriate or disrespectul if your S/O goes to bars/clubs that are the type you can possibly meet people in without you? Or for you does it depend on the frequency of the times--such as once a month is ok but not once a week?

[CrashIntoMe]

If you're really uncomfortable with it, I don't think they should go just out of respect for you. If they really want to go or be with their friends, maybe you two should talk more about it.

[STLguy]

If you don't have enough trust to let you SO go out to a bar with his/her friends, there is either something very wrong in your relationship, or you're insecure.

[catgirl1927]

If you don't have enough trust to let you SO go out to a bar with his/her friends, there is either something very wrong in your relationship, or you're insecure.

 

I agree with this. If you have to worry every time your SO leaves the house, then there's a problem. Newsflash, if they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat, and no amount of control you attempt to exert is going to change that. If anything, it will drive them away.

 

It is not disrespectful for someone to have a life and friends when they are in a relationship. You are two separate people. You share your lives, plural, LIVES.

[Candied-Heart]

I don't exactly like it when my BF gets to go out clubbing but it's not for insecure reasons, I just hate knowing if I can't go it's usually because I have plans or have to work early, and I get jealous that I can't go too.

 

Occasionally/regularly it is good to have a girls and boys night where each respective partner goes out somewhere different to the other with their friends and has a good time.

 

If they have some time away from you they have the opportunity to miss you.

If they get 'hit on' they have the opportunity to say they're happily seeing someone.

If they hook up with someone then you know it took something as little as a night out to stray and that's not someone you will ever feel comfortable being with anyhow.

 

Most of the time they just want to drink beer, talk about sport and pick playful fights with each other. They can hook up with someone in any situation, not just in a bar. They could do it on a train, at a cafe at lunch time, in the office at work. Don't try to control what you cannot.

[catgirl1927]

Yeah, the only reason it bugs me ever is because I'm jealous. I have to be at work really early, and he doesn't, so he can go out on weeknights when I can't. It sucks! But if I really thought I needed to worry I'd break it off.

[MadDog]

If you're really uncomfortable with it, I don't think they should go just out of respect for you. If they really want to go or be with their friends, maybe you two should talk more about it.

 

See, that's where you get into a slippery slope.

 

"Oh, you don't want me to hang out with my friends at the club because you're uncomfortable? Okay honey."

 

"You don't want me to hang out with my friend who's a girl even though we've been friends way before we got together? Okay honey."

 

"You don't want me to hang out with my friends at all? You don't like some of my friends and they make you feel uncomfortable when I hang out with them? Okay honey."

 

Where do you draw the line? Practically anything can make a jealous person feel "uncomfortable." I've realized you just have to put your foot down from the beginning. I tried to be nice in relationships and listen to girls who would make some requests like this. I'm way over that stage now. If you don't like what I do or who my friends are, just don't date me. It's much easier for me to date another girl than to try to live up to ridiculous requests.

 

MD

[MadDog]

Occasionally/regularly it is good to have a girls and boys night where each respective partner goes out somewhere different to the other with their friends and has a good time.

 

If they have some time away from you they have the opportunity to miss you.

If they get 'hit on' they have the opportunity to say they're happily seeing someone.

If they hook up with someone then you know it took something as little as a night out to stray and that's not someone you will ever feel comfortable being with anyhow.

 

Most of the time they just want to drink beer, talk about sport and pick playful fights with each other. They can hook up with someone in any situation, not just in a bar. They could do it on a train, at a cafe at lunch time, in the office at work. Don't try to control what you cannot.

 

This post is awesome. You are 100% right on. Unfortunately this is the obvious, logical line of thinking that insecure people just can't understand. They don't realize that people are either faithful or unfaithful. They think that somehow by controlling the environment their significant other is in, they're reducing the chances that he or she will be unfaithful. Not only does that not happen, it makes the person resent them a lot.

 

My ex was like that. She was jealous and insecure. I'd have female friends she'd deem "too flirty" (no one else ever saw what she was talking about) and she didn't want me to hang out with her. She didn't come out and say I can't go to the club but by sheer "coincidence", everytime I mentioned how my friends and I were going to a club, we'd end up arguing about it. I was literally being treated like I was a cheater when I never came close to cheating, either with her or my previous relationships. It made me think, "Damn, even if I did cheat, I'd be getting the same amount of flak from her. What is the point of being faithful?" I obviously never cheated because it's against my morals but still, it made me question what the hell the point of it all was.

 

MD

[RecordProducer]

I agree with the above posters. If you have to control someone in order that they are faithful to you then they're not faithful to you in the first place. Kids you have to stop from going out with the wrong company, because they might pick up some bad habits. But if your partner is potentially unfaithful then they are ALREADY unfaithful.

 

If they're not potentially unfaithful, according to your intuition and experience so far, then there is nothing you should be afraid of.

 

However things are not always black or white and we can be jealous at the possibility that they might meet someone charming and admire them or dance with someone or simply have a great time without us. These feelings are normal sometimes; we want our partner to feel lonely without us and to want to spend every second with us. And I think when we encounter this type of feelings, something wrong is lying underneath.

 

I truly believe that every time we become clingy in any aspect, it's just a consequence of something else: we might feel that we are not loved enough. It's not the fact that our partner is going out without us, it's the fact that they WANT to go out WITHOUT US.

 

For example, when my husband and I had a long-distance relationship, he would go out to some party or flying or dancing, and I wasn't jealous because I knew that if I were there he would take me with him. I also totally trusted him so I wasn't afraid of infidelity. (After all, he could tell me that he is going to drive his brother to the airport and actually go sleep with another woman! )

 

What I am saying is that when you feel loved, you give them space. And vice versa. However, my husband was spending the great majority of his evenings at home talking to me on the computer. I don't know if we would've gotten this far, had he been going out every Friday and Saturday night. Actually he went on just a few picnics and afternoon parties and once or twice to dinner with friends during a one-year period. He was dancing almost every Tuesday evening, but I knew that it was a club where the same 50 people were coming for many years.

 

Of course, it's different when you're married. But I still believe that there is no reason why someone wouldn't take their partner with them when they go out especially if there's more than two people in the company.

[Guest]

Hi I am pretty angel

And I have been with this guy for 2 years and he goes out to clubs with his friends, but I am not allowed to go with my friends or to go with him. I really think that is unfair.

Or any opinions

[MadDog]

Hi I am pretty angel

And I have been with this guy for 2 years and he goes out to clubs with his friends, but I am not allowed to go with my friends or to go with him. I really think that is unfair.

Or any opinions

 

Yes, it's unfair. In addition, why can't you go with him? I suspect he might not be acting the proper gentlement when he's at these places.

 

MD

[Cecelius]

Depends on the type of place -- there are some bars where the only reason a girl would show up is to get attention, give numbers, flirt, etc. I have no interest in dating someone who would go to such a place.

 

Also depends on the amount of booze involved -- there's hardly a cheating story on this board that doesn't start "I never meant to, but I got drunk one night..."

 

Also depends on her history -- if she's got along history of boozing and hooking up, you shouldn't be dating her anyway.

[luvtoto]

Hi I am pretty angel

And I have been with this guy for 2 years and he goes out to clubs with his friends, but I am not allowed to go with my friends or to go with him. I really think that is unfair.

Or any opinions

Rewind! Did you just say he does not allow you...?

He is trying to control you. No wait, he *is* controlling you, cause you're letting him.

[nichole]

god only knows how many times i have seen this problem. You are a human,a woman not a dog on a leash! You need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel or he will continue to do this and it could get worse if it hasnt already. Take action girl and have a talk with him over dinner.

[RecordProducer]

Depends on the type of place -- there are some bars where the only reason a girl would show up is to get attention, give numbers, flirt, etc. I have no interest in dating someone who would go to such a place.

 

Also depends on the amount of booze involved -- there's hardly a cheating story on this board that doesn't start "I never meant to, but I got drunk one night..."

 

Also depends on her history -- if she's got along history of boozing and hooking up, you shouldn't be dating her anyway.

WTF are you talking about?! A guy not taking his own GF cuz she might hook up with someone in the club?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

If you don't have enough trust to let you SO go out to a bar with his/her friends, there is either something very wrong in your relationship, or you're insecure.

Amen!

 

This thread is silly. You can meet people anywhere, not just clubs or bars. You obviously need to just lock him/her away in a box and never let him/her see anybody else at all.

[blueberry]

that may be true but can you stop yourself agonizing over someone you love?

[ehead]

Some people are more trustworthy than others.

 

I've dated girls I hardly trusted at all, and others whom could go away for a weekend with Johnny Depp and I would feel comfortable (mostly, hehe).

 

I often hear people say they would break up with someone if they could not trust them. I've found that can be hard to do in reality. Usually what happens is several little things accumulate which undermine your trust. A somewhat harmless lie here, a little evasive conversation there ... and it starts to add up.

 

Yet, something like trust is not an on/off switch. Trust is a spectrum. To see what I mean ... how many of you guys WOULD trust your girlfriend to go away for the weekend with Johnny Depp ?

 

So, just where along this spectrum do you decide to break up with them ?

It is easy to trust when your trust is not being challenged.

Then there is the issue of trust vs. naivety.

 

Oddly, some of the very traits that attract me to a woman can be the same traits that cause my trust to stumble ... I have a tendency to like people that don't see things as black and white, people that are a little rebellious and cheeky, and a touch impertinent.

 

Here are some interesting questions:

Is there always risk involved in trust ? (I think there probably is)

Do you think the more you trust, the more you open your heart ? (I think so)

Can you love someone but not trust them, or is trust necessary for love ? (I'm pretty sure I've loved someone and not trusted them)

Is there really any alternative to trust ? Not-trusting will eat you alive.

Is it naive to trust someone 100%, all the time, under any circumstance ? We are all human and hence not infallible. Maybe it depends on the person.

[RecordProducer]

Here are some interesting questions:

1. Is there always risk involved in trust ? (I think there probably is)

2. Do you think the more you trust, the more you open your heart ? (I think so)

3. Can you love someone but not trust them, or is trust necessary for love ? (I'm pretty sure I've loved someone and not trusted them)

4. Is there really any alternative to trust ? Not-trusting will eat you alive.

5. Is it naive to trust someone 100%, all the time, under any circumstance ? We are all human and hence not infallible. Maybe it depends on the person.

1. Distrust stop us from being misused, physically hurt, taken advantage of, etc. But I doubt that if you trust your partner 100% and he cheated on you that you'll be more hurt than if you didn't trust him in the first place. I actually think the pain would be even worse as your nightmare would come true.

 

2. Definitely. But again, in a healthy relationship you should open your heart and not feel like you're taking any risk.

 

3. I think you can be disappointed at a certain point and stop trusting someone while you may still love them. Some people don't trust their own children for good reasons; it doesn't mean they love them any less.

 

But I can't be with someone if I a priori don't trust them. I turned down a guy who was very interested in me because I thought he was not the type I would ever fully trust. I didn't want to get involved and risk to get hurt.

 

4. The alternative to blindly trusting someone is to trust them with caution (to be calm until something suspicious shows up and check up on them here and there and always receive confirmation that they can be trusted).

 

5. I don't think it's naive. In my opinion, it's naive if you think that you can build something solid with anyone if you don't fully trust them (talking about love relationships, not friendships or other type of relations).

[Candied-Heart]

1. Is there always risk involved in trust?

Initially, I believe there isn't much risk involved. Be it naivete or not. In the first proper relationship I had, I was very trustful of my partner despite it ending up being an unfaithful relationship on his part.The more you're hurt in the past, the more it can keep you guarded or mindful in the future, with the same person, or with different people.

2. Do you think the more you trust, the more you open your heart ?

Yes.

 

3. Can you love someone but not trust them, or is trust necessary for love ?

Yes you can love and not trust. Though I feel this is not a relationship you should encourage yourself to remain in. If you lose or never gain the trust, you open yourself up to being controlling, jealous, insecure and all those unnatractive traits.

4. Is there really any alternative to trust ? Not-trusting will eat you alive.

Agree. I also agree with recordproducers answer to this.

 

5. Is it naive to trust someone 100%, all the time, under any circumstance ? It's not naive. I admire people like this. Yet I feel that there is always that one little chance a person can make a terrible mistake etc. I generally trust my BF with everything. Though it has crossed my mind that he could be capable, like anyone, of having a moment of weakness, but I TRUST that he wouldn't succumb to it, in my honour and because he doesn;t want to.

[PlentyLV007]

My ex was like that. She was jealous and insecure. I'd have female friends she'd deem "too flirty" (no one else ever saw what she was talking about) and she didn't want me to hang out with her. She didn't come out and say I can't go to the club but by sheer "coincidence", everytime I mentioned how my friends and I were going to a club, we'd end up arguing about it. I was literally being treated like I was a cheater when I never came close to cheating, either with her or my previous relationships. It made me think, "Damn, even if I did cheat, I'd be getting the same amount of flak from her. What is the point of being faithful?" I obviously never cheated because it's against my morals but still, it made me question what the hell the point of it all was.

 

MD

 

U so sounded like my ex. I didn't trust my ex but that's cause he betrayed me. I never trusted him the same. He went out w/ his friends but, when ever I was out of town. Which just made it seem more like he was doing something wrong. He would ask me the same question you just stated. "what was the point".

[Guest]

 

Yet, something like trust is not an on/off switch. Trust is a spectrum. To see what I mean ... how many of you guys WOULD trust your girlfriend to go away for the weekend with Johnny Depp ?

 

So, just where along this spectrum do you decide to break up with them ?

It is easy to trust when your trust is not being challenged.

 

 

Here's my take on trust. I'm dating a girl right now that I choose to trust completely. I assume she's always been honest with me from the beginning, and I'm not digging for "white lies" or other things to undermine that trust. We respect one another enough to be truthful, but we're also realistic about human nature.

 

For example, I don't believe that, just because we're "exclusive" that she'll stop finding other guys attractive or desirable. But I'm secure enough to know that there's plenty of reasons she's with me and not them, and vice-versa. If it comes to a point where our relationship is no longer a positive thing in her life, I trust she'll respect me enough to let me know and move on, rather than act out on her dissatisfaction (i.e., cheating).

 

However, I also think it's impossible to ignore or deprogram jealousy. You kind of have to winnow it down to an acceptable level, then move on with what you've got. The best way I can explain it is this: The weekend with Johnny Depp thing is a perfect example, and I think ehead got it right: it *is* a spectrum, but not of "trust" per se. To me, it goes like this - read along, and tell me where you draw the line.

 

I COMPLETELY TRUST MY GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND, SO THEREFORE IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME ONE BIT IF HE/SHE DOES THIS WITHOUT ME:

 

- Hangs out at the house with friends of the same gender

- Goes to the club with friends of the same gender

- Goes to the club with a mixed crowd of people

- Goes to the club with a mutual friend of the opposite gender

- Goes to the club with a friend of the opposite gender that you don't know

- Travels to meet a person of the opposite gender that he/she met via the internet to hang out with them

- Goes on vacation with a person of the opposite gender that he/she just met

- Goes to an orgy with a person of the opposite gender that he/she just met

 

If I really trust my girlfriend, none of these should bother me right? I mean, assuming there are a plausible set of circumstances leading to each one - for example: "Honey, my new guy friend from the office says there's this orgy next weekend when you're out of town, and I'd like to go just to check it out. I mean, it's not like I want to have sex with anyone but you, I just want to see what it's all about, and learn some new things to spice up our sex life. Since you're not going to be around, Bill said he'd take me to show me around."

 

It would definitely bother me if Bill took her to the orgy, even if only to look around. I'd also probably not like it if she went on vacation with Bill, even if it was only to work on her tennis game and her tan (or whatever). I also would be bothered if she decided to go out of her way to hang out with some "UR H0t how old RU" internet dude. Even if he is very clever over ICQ chat.

 

Is that because I don't trust her? No - I really do believe that she'd remain faithful in those situations. But I just don't like it. It makes my inner chimpanzee want to swing from the rafters and bang on my chest and fling poo and flare my swollen red ass in frightening displays of male dominance. I can't help it, that's just me. I've been around the block once or twice - enough times to figure out the "insecurity" thing and to shed the most childish vestiges of my green-eyed monster.

 

But I'm still a freaking human being. I'm not perfect, and some stuff that my girl *could* do would bother me. I can't explain why, other than it just does. So that's what I do - "Babe, look - you know I trust you, but it really bothers me if you do ____________".

 

I'm not a very jealous person. The things that set off my inner simian aren't unreasonable. A pretty good litmus test for my limits is this: pretend you're describing the situation to a disinterested third party. If it sounds fishy, it'll probably bother me.

 

But the things that *do* bother me? Well, look. I've just come to accept the fact that I'm not the omni-accepting relationship floormat that Cosmo says we should all be. It's just a piece of my crust that I guess my girlfriend will have to accept, like how we leave our socks on the floor (or are compulsively neat about it). So far, she has. And I've accepted her limits, too. It's really not limiting at all, when you look at it - we don't do things that we wouldn't feel comfortable if the other one did them. Sometimes there are a few edge cases we've had to figure out, but it's worked so far.

 

I guess that's my take on the whole "my boyfriend doesn't like it if I go out to the club without him" (or with him, as one poster said!). Those are his limits. I think they're ludicrous and that they're a sign of an insecure person. (But maybe there's someone out there who thinks that my no-orgies-with-Bill limit means that *I'm* insecure.) Bottom line is that you're not going to change the person. They have to do that on their own, maybe by growing up a little and figuring out the insecurity thing, or accepting that they're only going to be really compatible with a complete homebody.

 

So, in my eyes, yeah - trust is an absolute thing. I mean, it's based on a belief, after all, and if I had to verify that she was always doing the right thing when I wasn't around, it wouldn't be trust. But that doesn't mean you have to *like* everything your partner does (or could do). Finding someone who respects you enough to honor your comfort limits, and whose own limits aren't too restrictive for you to be happy is the real trick. It's not easy, but it's worth looking for.

[Worried7]

I don't know the answer to that question. My b/f of 3 years, who is now 20 went to spring break without me last year & went to a packed club with his guy friends every single night for like 5 or 6 nights. Now what can you do in a club if you're underage, but get girls numbers or do something involving girls. He said he never even danced with one but, even being a year later, I find it hard to believe. His guy friends are also party animals & they got so many #'s u can't even count them all..So how can he hang with them & not talk to any girls?? I guess I don't trust him. I don't know my gut instinct tells me that I shouldn't trust him. It's too wierd.

 

What do you all think?

 

??Worried7???

[magda]

I think it would drive my husband crazy if I went to a place like this without him, so I wouldn't. And he would never want to go, so that's out. I like to dance and drink now and then, but he is a recovering alcoholic and of course men don't feel the same way about dancing. It doesn't bother me to abstain from places like that unless there is a special occassion and the right (ie. not primarily a pick-up) environment.