People...Stop Selling Yourselves Short!

[Kiz]

I posted to this site yesterday and got some great responses from all of you...I've been checking in a lot since then and am concerned for some of you who seem to be staying in abusive relationships...maybe these "guidelines" can help...and forgive me if I sound sanctimonious...Lord knows I'm no expert! (and maybe I should listen to my own advice!)

 

FIRST BE YOUR OWN FRIEND

 

If you don't like yourself, you will keep seeking out relationships that require you to fix something...you are not handymen/women...If you think you are whole and healthy, but attracting people who aren't, ask yourself what it is YOU need that keeps drawing you to needy people.

 

FIRST BE THEIR FRIEND

 

DON'T sleep with the other person until AT LEAST six months have passed...see if they are a reliable friend...if not, it's a safe bet that they won't be a reliable lover (thereby exposing you to disease, disappointment, and goodness knows what else).

 

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF USING A "THERAPY" WORD TO DESCRIBE THEM, GET THEM TO A PROFESSIONAL

 

Even if you are a licensed professional, you are not THEIR licensed professional...you can care about someone without having to put your emotional and possibly physical well-being at risk.

 

IF YOUR MONEY, FOOD, HOME,

 

becomes an instrument to use for their well-being and you haven't known them for at least a year...get out. When we travelled, my credit card, my bank account, my funds got used...he wasn't working. LISTEN: If you want to help someone out with info, that's fine, but if your HELP requires giving them money, filling out the paperwork, taking them to the job interview, etc...then they are acting like children and you are fulfulling the role of their parent. You may like children, you may even have some of your own...but you are not REQUIRED to raise someone else's, especially if the "child" in question is someone you look at romantically. It's hard enough in this world to take care of your own business, much less anyone else's. If someone takes more energy to be with then they give you in return, you don't need them.

 

IF ANY EX IS STILL IN THE PICTURE, THEN THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU (OR ANYONE ELSE IN THE FRAME)

 

GET OUT. IF your potential, current, past lover is still talking about, seeing, thinking about, playing around with another...then you (and everyone else involved) are being cheated. Paint your own picture and wait for someone WHOLE to like what they see and join you...or find someone who has a WHOLE space in their picture and see if you click.

 

FINALLY

 

If when you are talking about another, you always find yourself using a dependent phrase followed by "but", then get out. If you can't talk about that special person without qualifying the relationship and folloiwng it with an explanation for some garbage that still hasn't been thrown out by EITHER ONE OF YOU...then get out.

[Tony T]

Sounds like very good advice to me!!!

[Danielle]

I agree with the majority of what you said, but I think that some of your 'guidelines' are a little too restrictive. Relationships are subjective, and a little more complex than you make out. Everyone has baggage. Anyway, I feel the need to comment on a couple of your suggestions, but this is in no way a criticism, just a different opinion.

DON'T sleep with the other person until AT LEAST six months have passed...see if they are a reliable friend...if not, it's a safe bet that they won't be a reliable lover (thereby exposing you to disease, disappointment, and goodness knows what else).

Six months? This seems a little unreasonable!! I personally don't know anyone who could wait that long, and why should they? Sex doesn't have to be meaningful and personal with every lover, it can be fun and frivolous, and a good stress reliever! And sleeping with someone after 6 months doesn't necessarily guarantee that they will be anymore faithful than sleeping with them after 6 weeks. You seem a little paranoid about the whole disease thing - it is always a risk but there are ways to guard against it. And where is the room for one-night stands? If you have safe sex, casual relationships can be a lot of fun, especially for those who aren't in a long-term relationship.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF USING A "THERAPY" WORD TO DESCRIBE THEM, GET THEM TO A PROFESSIONAL

America is obsessed with therapy and psychoanalysis these days. Get over it! If you care about someone, you naturally want to help them, and get emotionally involved. Sometimes the only person who can help is someone you trust and care for deeply, so why not help them through their problems? I mean, how would you like for your partner to suggest therapy whenever you come to them with a personal problem? I've cried on the shoulder of many a boyfriend, and if they ever told me to speak to a professional rather than them I would be incredibly hurt and angry.

IF ANY EX IS STILL IN THE PICTURE, THEN THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU (OR ANYONE ELSE IN THE FRAME)

This obviously depends on what kind of a relationship you want. Sometimes I have had purely physical relationships with people who are obviously on the rebound, and haven't regretted it at all. If you are looking for a long-term relationship then it's a different story, but casual sex can be good for people just getting out of intense relationships.

 

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. Perhaps we see relationships from different perspectives - I don't intend on getting married and I don't particularly believe in monogomy, so relationship rules or guidelines don't really work for me.

[Kiz]

Your points were well-taken...the guidelines work for me (because of what I've learned from past mistakes).

 

I agree that American is therapy obsessed;however, I am someone who has been in therapy for awhile and it works for me...I don't think every problem should require you sending a mate to a therapist...understand that I have chosen real at-risk partners who had a lot of difficult baggage...my suggestion was that people learn to read the warning signs.

 

Unlike you, I believe in monogamy and I would like to get married someday (although I don't think it will ever happen).

 

Thanks for adding your POV, because what you have to say may be a lot more relevant for others on this site (and it makes me think a little as well!)

[BeenThere]

Great info, Kiz! Perhaps this should be posted once a week so that it would'nt get lost on the board and people could refer back. We seem to see the same relationship problems and issues coming up again and again. With a little caution and common sense (as prescribed in your post) most could be avoided. But then again, its human nature to want to think "outside the box" only to eventually learn the same thing anyway...the HARD way. I would gladly trade all my bad experiences and so-called aquired *wisdom* for a little common sense in the beginning! Would sure have saved me a lot of tears and grief along the way.

 

I posted to this site yesterday and got some great responses from all of you...I've been checking in a lot since then and am concerned for some of you who seem to be staying in abusive relationships...maybe these "guidelines" can help...and forgive me if I sound sanctimonious...Lord knows I'm no expert! (and maybe I should listen to my own advice!)

 

FIRST BE YOUR OWN FRIEND If you don't like yourself, you will keep seeking out relationships that require you to fix something...you are not handymen/women...If you think you are whole and healthy, but attracting people who aren't, ask yourself what it is YOU need that keeps drawing you to needy people. FIRST BE THEIR FRIEND DON'T sleep with the other person until AT LEAST six months have passed...see if they are a reliable friend...if not, it's a safe bet that they won't be a reliable lover (thereby exposing you to disease, disappointment, and goodness knows what else). IF YOU FIND YOURSELF USING A "THERAPY" WORD TO DESCRIBE THEM, GET THEM TO A PROFESSIONAL

 

Even if you are a licensed professional, you are not THEIR licensed professional...you can care about someone without having to put your emotional and possibly physical well-being at risk. IF YOUR MONEY, FOOD, HOME, becomes an instrument to use for their well-being and you haven't known them for at least a year...get out. When we travelled, my credit card, my bank account, my funds got used...he wasn't working. LISTEN: If you want to help someone out with info, that's fine, but if your HELP requires giving them money, filling out the paperwork, taking them to the job interview, etc...then they are acting like children and you are fulfulling the role of their parent. You may like children, you may even have some of your own...but you are not REQUIRED to raise someone else's, especially if the "child" in question is someone you look at romantically. It's hard enough in this world to take care of your own business, much less anyone else's. If someone takes more energy to be with then they give you in return, you don't need them. IF ANY EX IS STILL IN THE PICTURE, THEN THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU (OR ANYONE ELSE IN THE FRAME)

 

GET OUT. IF your potential, current, past lover is still talking about, seeing, thinking about, playing around with another...then you (and everyone else involved) are being cheated. Paint your own picture and wait for someone WHOLE to like what they see and join you...or find someone who has a WHOLE space in their picture and see if you click. FINALLY If when you are talking about another, you always find yourself using a dependent phrase followed by "but", then get out. If you can't talk about that special person without qualifying the relationship and folloiwng it with an explanation for some garbage that still hasn't been thrown out by EITHER ONE OF YOU...then get out.

[yes]

I'm interested in some of your views ...

 

Do your bfs know that u dont believe in monogamy?

 

Are u planning to ever have kids?

 

Are you okay with being in a relationship with someone & having both of u openly having affairs?

 

WHat exactly do u mean by not believeing in monogamy??

 

I'm just curious cuz i have similar ideas & i'd like to know more exactly if yrs are like mine ...

 

Thanks!

I agree with the majority of what you said, but I think that some of your 'guidelines' are a little too restrictive. Relationships are subjective, and a little more complex than you make out. Everyone has baggage. Anyway, I feel the need to comment on a couple of your suggestions, but this is in no way a criticism, just a different opinion.

 

Six months? This seems a little unreasonable!! I personally don't know anyone who could wait that long, and why should they? Sex doesn't have to be meaningful and personal with every lover, it can be fun and frivolous, and a good stress reliever! And sleeping with someone after 6 months doesn't necessarily guarantee that they will be anymore faithful than sleeping with them after 6 weeks. You seem a little paranoid about the whole disease thing - it is always a risk but there are ways to guard against it. And where is the room for one-night stands? If you have safe sex, casual relationships can be a lot of fun, especially for those who aren't in a long-term relationship. America is obsessed with therapy and psychoanalysis these days. Get over it! If you care about someone, you naturally want to help them, and get emotionally involved. Sometimes the only person who can help is someone you trust and care for deeply, so why not help them through their problems? I mean, how would you like for your partner to suggest therapy whenever you come to them with a personal problem? I've cried on the shoulder of many a boyfriend, and if they ever told me to speak to a professional rather than them I would be incredibly hurt and angry. This obviously depends on what kind of a relationship you want. Sometimes I have had purely physical relationships with people who are obviously on the rebound, and haven't regretted it at all. If you are looking for a long-term relationship then it's a different story, but casual sex can be good for people just getting out of intense relationships. Anyway, those are just my thoughts. Perhaps we see relationships from different perspectives - I don't intend on getting married and I don't particularly believe in monogomy, so relationship rules or guidelines don't really work for me.

 

[Danielle]

I'd be happy to answer your questions!

Do your bfs know that u dont believe in monogamy?

Well most of the relationships I have are casual anyway so it is assumed that both of us will be seeing other people. I have had two 'serious' relationships, where my partner knew that I had a wandering eye, but I promised to be sexually faithful. I found it too hard to keep that promise! In the first instance he caught me out, which was just terrible. And the second time, I eventually just told him (another guy) that I just couldn't be in a monogomous relationship, and we ended up breaking up because of it. I don't regret anything.

Are u planning to ever have kids?

No way! I have never liked kids, and never felt that ticking biological clock either... I am an aunty and that is enough! I think I'm too selfish to have kids!

Are you okay with being in a relationship with someone & having both of u openly having affairs?

Yes, although if is 'open' then I don't see the other relationships as 'affairs'. At first I was hypocritical and wanted HIM to be faithful, while I did whatever I wanted. But I've come to accept the fact that he might be with other women. I hate men who are clingy, and I'd much prefer to go out with friends than a boyfriend.

WHat exactly do u mean by not believeing in monogamy??

Well I don't think that monogomy is essential to have a healthy relationship with someone. I believe that it is largely something created by society, and not natural.

 

I'd be interested in hearing your own views on this. Coz as you can imagine, I'm kind of unorthodox and don't know many other women like me! My girlfriends think that I have too much estrogen or something!!

[yes]

Cool ... how old are ya btw?

 

If you want to talk more about it, drop me a line at <e-mail address removed> ... (hehe, like my e-mail addy? )

I'd be happy to answer your questions! Well most of the relationships I have are casual anyway so it is assumed that both of us will be seeing other people. I have had two 'serious' relationships, where my partner knew that I had a wandering eye, but I promised to be sexually faithful. I found it too hard to keep that promise! In the first instance he caught me out, which was just terrible. And the second time, I eventually just told him (another guy) that I just couldn't be in a monogomous relationship, and we ended up breaking up because of it. I don't regret anything.

 

No way! I have never liked kids, and never felt that ticking biological clock either... I am an aunty and that is enough! I think I'm too selfish to have kids! Yes, although if is 'open' then I don't see the other relationships as 'affairs'. At first I was hypocritical and wanted HIM to be faithful, while I did whatever I wanted. But I've come to accept the fact that he might be with other women. I hate men who are clingy, and I'd much prefer to go out with friends than a boyfriend. Well I don't think that monogomy is essential to have a healthy relationship with someone. I believe that it is largely something created by society, and not natural. I'd be interested in hearing your own views on this. Coz as you can imagine, I'm kind of unorthodox and don't know many other women like me! My girlfriends think that I have too much estrogen or something!!