Negative mother

[Citizen Erased]

Last weekend it was my GrandFathers birthday and my family all went out to dinner. My Uncle couldnt be there because he and his wife have a new baby and are pretty much flat broke, but besides from that we were all there. My mother and I are barely on speaking terms, but I love my grandfather so I kept my mouth shut. We flew out to London for a couple of days so I could spend some time with my grandparents.

 

I was amazed at the intensity of the negativity which comes from my mother. When she heard her brother wasn't coming, she rolled her eyes and was like 'no suprise'. She seems to forget when she was younger and my parents were at that point as well. She then started bitching about women at her new job, my father, my other uncle etc. She would have to be the most miserable person on the planet. She looked terrible and was trying to make out as if she was some upper class snob, rolling her eys and trying to act like she knew everything about good wine, food etc (she has NO clue).

 

I never ever want to be like her. I don't think I heard her say one positive thing the whole time. It was disgusting. I spoke more to her abusive alcoholic boyfriend then her because at least he was drunk so was in a good mood. It really ruined my trip, I was looking forward to coming home for a while.

[amaysngrace]

it's good to see how you don't want to be. my father has some traits i'd never want to have. it's a heads-up for us kids, i think. we learn from our parents, in more ways than they'd ever know.

[Citizen Erased]

I just dont know how someone can carry around so much resentment when they were the one who chose the paths they have taken in their lives. I dont think she will ever take responsibility for anything which is why she spends so much of her time blaming everyone else around her. My sister and I have no relationship at all with her and my brother will surely follow soon.

 

I always knew she was a horrible mother because she never wanted to be one. She has no instincts or compassion towards her own children and then acts like the victim when they grow up to despise her!!

[amaysngrace]

oh that's sad, darlin coco. i know just the kind of person you're talking about. it can be so draining to your well-being. at least you guys have each other, thanks to her. and you are probably close because you have come to depend on each other.

[Citizen Erased]

Thats the thing, my sister is like my mother. Shes not that bad, and she has her days when she is REALLY nice, but then some other days she is a total b!tch... she wont be as bad as my mother, but she certainly isnt my closest relative. In fact, my brother is and I used to barely stand to be in the same room as him because we had the typical sibling fighting thing going on

[amaysngrace]

i was just wondering if you have read up on narcissism at all? could it be a possibility?

[Citizen Erased]

I would love to see the look on my mothers face if I called her a narcassist! If she even knew what it means! Maybe I should give her a dictionary, circle it and then tell her to flip to page...

[Pink_Tulip]

Wow Coco, my mother is EXACTLY the same way. She is always the victim, everyone else is to blame for every little thing wrong in her life. If she is buying something at the store and the clerk messes up or takes too long b/c they are new, they are doing it on purpose to ruin her day. It is that bad. Everyone is out to get her. Even when she is trying to say something nice it comes out mean and hurtful. We barely have a relationship either, if I didn't have kids I probably would cut her out of my life. My mom didn't want to be a mother too, don't know how much that has to do with it in her case tho, I think she is just a negative person. She had a very abusive and traumatic childhood, but at some point you have to start taking responsibility for the things YOU chose as an adult, you know? She is almost 60, don't think that is gonna happen soon, lol.

 

I really don't have any advice for you. My mom lives in a different state thank god, so I only see her about 3x a year. My goal with each visit is just to keep my mouth shut and let everything go, like water off a duck, lol.

 

I have also tried to put myself in her shoes and try to understand where she is coming from, and realize just b/c the way she says things really gets under my skin, doesn't mean that was her intent. Thats just the way she has always communicated and it won't change, so rather than get myself all in a tizzy when she irritates me, I just keep telling myself she is doing the best she can, thats all she knows, and she loves me, even if it doesn't feel like it most of the time. Not a cure, but it helps. Good luck.

[Citizen Erased]

Its just that I have had to be the adult with our relationship since I was 14 and I am sick of it. I lived with her and her alcoholic boyfriend for so long and I only stayed because I knew I was the thing which stopped him from really going at her. In the end, I just gave up and left. She seems to think that she has every right to treat everyone like crap but if she gets it back then she is the victim.

 

I used to have to constantly have to listen to her b!tch about my dad. They'd talk on the phone, shed be as nice as pie and then as soon as she got off the phone she would loudly bitch about everything which was said, how it affects her etc etc. I know she had kids early and she pretty much hates my dad because of it (plus he was working the night that my brother died and so she seems to think because he was working, like every other night, he is a bad person. Its not like he KNEW it was happening!!)

 

The sad thing is that my brother worships her and she is so cold towards him. He craves affection from her (which none of us have ever had from her) and she just sits there and does nothing. They can be sitting on the sofa and he hugs her, kisses her on the cheek and say he loves her and she honest to God just sits there and either says nothing or tells him to get off her. It is horrible to see the look on his face when he gets that treatment.

 

I know so many people would tell me Im wrong but our mother does not feel love for any of her children. It is like she is not capable of it with those who she brought up. She blames us for ruining her life. The last time she hugged me was when I was 7 years old at my brothers funeral, and that was only because I was crying and I ran over to her.

 

Wow, I guess I really needed to get that off my chest. Sorry for the length!