Now its her turn to change - or is it?

[vikingruler]

I cheated on my wife 2 plus years ago, she hasn't fogiven me yet but I have started doing the things to change - started focusing on the family, started paying her attention, I have been told by others they see the difference in me towards my wife and family. I keep checking myself to make sure that I feel intenally better and change the things in me that were wrong.

 

My W continues to tell me that she doesn't know what she is feeling and she doesn't know if she can forgive me or not. I do think she is suffering from some form of depression, so does her friends. Her friends are supportive of her but I think they are effecting her thinking towards me... even though I have talked to some of them and they see and agree I have changed and I am working hard to get her back

 

She has never cheated on me - she has never sleeped with another, but she has started up friendships with guys that she has met over the past few months

 

Now my wife has been talking to guy that she was introduced to via a co-worker of her's that she says means a lot to her, but she has resolved what she is feeling for me and what she wants from us. I confronted her about this today - that she can't have both, the marriage and the family and the any ill feelings for me AND develop a relationship and feelings for this OM.

 

All I want is for her to decide if we are or aren't going to be. If we aren't I am supportive of her moving on. I love her that much and know I totally devistated her that moving on is an option. but not until she concludes us.

 

So is it wrong for me to ask her to stop talking to him for a period of time - a monht? Then focus on us and see if we are truly over?

[Ladyjane14]

You two are still living together in the same household, right?

 

I think that rather attack the problem from the outside...it might be better to work from the inside. Clearly, there has been no real resolution concerning the affair. If you work it from the outside involving other people, there's a possibility that she might view you as controlling. When you approach it from the inside as addressing issues and problems in the marital relationship, you are improving the overall quality of your communcations.

 

Have you been to marriage counseling together? If not, that might be a fine place to start. A third party might have more success in convincing her to focus in on the marriage.

[blueberry]

im in a similar sitation...when ive decided what to do about it i'll share it with you

[vikingruler]

So We have "seperated" now and I was doing the control freak thing - trying to get into her head - I found out where her and the other guy were staying - still says there in no sex - but they have kissed - and left her a picture on her windowshield that I carried around of her. I then went over to our house and moved all my remaining things.

 

I know working from the outside doesn't help - but I been very isolated outside of our marriage - I don't have too many friends outside of her and co-workers and I now realize she was putting a lot of guilt on me not for the affair but a lot of things, basically everything that is wrong is put on me. We bought a big house and have horses - she wanted that - but we are financially tight right now -but getting better. So whe blames me for all the expenses. There are other things too. but what happened was I talked to some friends and they helped me get a balance view. I was feeling so guilty that I was doing so many foolish things that I probably have pissed her of more that showing her that I love here. So with the weight off I am focusing on myself and the things I need to do.

 

Its still very hard and I miss here because I really do love her.

 

She tells me she wants space and time and I am preparing to do that.

 

I am not sure if I need to impliment NC? Is that her or mine decision?

 

Do I ask her not to see the OG? Or do I let her feel free - she says there will be no sex with him - until she decides what happens to us.