My family, my boyfriend and my sadness

[blind_otter]

i was wondering what that was a picture of, christinadarling

 

tee hee.

 

At least I can laugh.

[alphamale]

I do love her. I also hate her.

as i stated above.....this describes most people's relationship with their mom

[Sassy]

HAH. I just called my Mom and told her I'd be by after work (my boss is buying lunch today, my Dad would be pissed if I passed upa free lunch). I was all bright and spritely on the phone and said, "Love you LOADS, MOM!" And smooched the phone.

 

(She works evenings during the week so she won't be there)

 

She was shocked into silence. I feel better. That was kinda mean, but whatever. I do love her. I also hate her. But if I can behave in a more loving way than her, then I win. So there.

 

Good for you for doing that to your mom!! Maybe your mom is jealous of how close you are to your dad . PlEASE visit your dad he needs you and you need him . I love that saying "you can kill more flies with honey";) Otter by the way love the mommy dearest avatar!!

[a4a]

Otter that avie you got up so reminds me of my own lovely mother.

 

NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!

 

Why the need to win the battle with your mother?

You will not change her or make her understand.

[blind_otter]

Otter that avie you got up so reminds me of my own lovely mother.

 

NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!

 

Why the need to win the battle with your mother?

You will not change her or make her understand.

 

 

I just want to be better than her. More loving. Nicer. I want to learn how to be kind to people who are spitting bitterness right in my face.

 

She's good practice, I guess. I dunno. Part of me just wants her to love me and want me.

[a4a]

 

I just want to be better than her. More loving. Nicer. I want to learn how to be kind to people who are spitting bitterness right in my face.

 

She's good practice, I guess. I dunno. Part of me just wants her to love me and want me.

 

 

Otter it will not happen on your terms or probably even on her own.

If she is unable to love herself and is so f***ed up you are expecting and wanting the impossible, which is understandable. But you will not get it.

No matter how much you wish, pray, or dream...... not going to happen.

 

It is reasonable for you to stick around the family and share time with your father. But for no other reason. Would you accept such treatment from a friend or even a co worker?

 

If you want control of your life, you have to stop letting her control you.

[amaysngrace]

when she says you are the crazy one, she is probably feeling like this about herself. and she sees you are genuinely happier than she has ever been, and so she takes a shot at you. to knock you down. i feel bad she is your mom, but i also feel bad for your mom, because she is this way. you can help yourself...she apparently cannot.

[blind_otter]

Yeah, I get that from her. She doesn't understand my motivation for personal growth, but she clearly sees how stunted she is. She keeps telling me that bad things happen to everyone, she was raped and grew up in a third world, wartorn country; my Dad grew up during the depression, lost his dad to mustard gas poisoning when he was 12, was farmed out to foster care, and then volunteered for the army and fought in 3 wars.

 

Of course they are both very f***ed up individuals. Part of the reason they work so well together. But so stunted, twisted, sad. Slowly dying because they have both internalized so much s***.

 

It's an impossible wish. i just want to be loved unconditionally. My Dad used to be able to give me that and now that i don't have it any more, I really really miss it.

[amaysngrace]

you should definitely go see your daddy. he may just be the answer you're looking for today. hey, btw, did you make any mommies mad the other day when you were exposing their offspring to SHS??

[blind_otter]

SHS? Ya lost me.

 

I'll see pops. It hurts to see him gasping for air - he realy should be on O2 right now. He only has one lung, fergawdsake.

[amaysngrace]

SHS? Ya lost me.

 

second hand smoke. at the playground?? geez, you really have had a lot on your mind. i gotta help my kid with his project...i let him stay home today cause he had a stiff neck. mother of the year, i'll never be.

[blind_otter]

second hand smoke. at the playground?? geez, you really have had a lot on your mind. i gotta help my kid with his project...i let him stay home today cause he had a stiff neck. mother of the year, i'll never be.

 

Well, it's better than just...oversleeping. And letting your kid run around the house unsupervised for 4 hours.

[blind_otter]

I talked to my BF on the phone - he wanted to see me tonight and I said no. That I'm exhausted and tired of arguing, and depressed about my dad, and angry with my mother, and lonely and cold inside.

 

He gets pissed off with me because I won't talk to him tonight. Or maybe he's depressed and it comes out sounding angry. I think we both know where this is going and neither of us likes it.

[climbergirl]

So yesterday I figured out why it's so hard for me to let go of my BF. I think it's because I don't want to be alone.

 

He and I fought yesterday because he had custody of his son over the weekend, which is fine, but when I came home for lunch yesterday his son was at my house. On a school day. With nothing wrong with him. His dad just slept through the day instead of taking his son to school. I was angry with him, but he was defensive. He just got pissed right back at me -- for being upset.

 

I swallowed my pride and called my Dad. I was just sad. I told him I just wanted to hear his voice and talk to someone who made me feel good about myself. He's terminally ill. But he drove over to my house with my mother, instead.

 

My mom walked inside and told me that everyone in my family knows that I am crazy. And that they hav given up on me. They tried to help and it didn't work so they have all decided to wash their hands of me. I didn't react, as usual I held it inside. I don't want her to see that she can still hurt me.

 

My Dad got upset when she said that and tried to say something but he can barely talk. He was gasping for air and coughing. He was upset. But what can I do? Tell my mother that I don't accept her decision?

 

My boyfriend always tells me that he will be my family. But he can't we just do not get along and he won't accept it. I try so hard to make him happy and do what he tell sme to do and it's never enough.

 

This morning I was acting childish. We were still arguing and I said, "Well why don't you go to your family. They love you and accept you."

 

He said, "I will, because I actually HAVE a family."

 

And it just made me break inside.

 

That f***CER!! God, that is above and beyond mean--bad enough your mother says what she says, but like my mother, you get accustomed to her tirades. Still hurts, but after years of it part of you goes numb. But I'm assuming you've told him about problems with your mother, opened up to him...........and he uses that info to hurt you.

 

THAT f***ER!!

 

B_O--how can you even feel any warm feelings towards him now??

[Art_Critic]

lonely and cold inside.

 

***hugs***

[Mz. Pixie]

It seems to me like I seek out f***ed up guys to date. What normal man would touch a woman like me with a ten foot pole?

 

 

One who wants a loving kick ass partner~!

 

B- I know how bad it hurts for her to say those things- you know she's deflecting- your family knows how nuts you are- that actually means, the family knows how nuts "I" am!

 

I don't think we ever give up wanting our parents to change and love us the right way. I mean, we do give up but then again we don't.

 

Your bf comments were just f'd up. He knows better than to say that kind of crap. Yet, he's human and lashed out because you got onto him for letting the kid stay out of school (and you were right!) See, you have good instincts about that kid!!!

 

Don't listen to their crap. You're special, and warm and caring and you're not crazy. They are the ones with the problems, not you.

 

Thinking of you!

[blind_otter]

cyber hugs are pretty good - for making me feel better.

 

I wish I could talk to that part of myself that still wants a mommy. It's weird how they say people who lack one parent will seek out replacements, because - I've never been able to maintain any kind of relationship with a female, romantic or platonic.

 

I think you're right about deflecting, my Mom is so good at that that sometimes I get everything mixed up in my head -- my feelings for her get all twisted up and I trick myself into thinking I feel that baout myself. That I have a love'hate relationship with myself, that I get so angry with myself.

 

Maybe it feels safer than letting myself feel that strongly about HER.

 

My BF didn't make any mention of feeling bad for kicking me when I was down. He just wanted to "talk" and I don't want to. Not the way we have been.

 

I want to talk to him - but I think I just want someone. To listen to me and hold me so I don't feel so bad about my Dad dying and my Mom being psycho. The thing is, if I say I need this, he will agree and say he'll be there fo rme, but it never works out that way.

[climbergirl]

cyber hugs are pretty good - for making me feel better.

 

I wish I could talk to that part of myself that still wants a mommy. It's weird how they say people who lack one parent will seek out replacements, because - I've never been able to maintain any kind of relationship with a female, romantic or platonic.

 

I think you're right about deflecting, my Mom is so good at that that sometimes I get everything mixed up in my head -- my feelings for her get all twisted up and I trick myself into thinking I feel that baout myself. That I have a love'hate relationship with myself, that I get so angry with myself.

 

Maybe it feels safer than letting myself feel that strongly about HER.

 

My BF didn't make any mention of feeling bad for kicking me when I was down. He just wanted to "talk" and I don't want to. Not the way we have been.

 

I want to talk to him - but I think I just want someone. To listen to me and hold me so I don't feel so bad about my Dad dying and my Mom being psycho. The thing is, if I say I need this, he will agree and say he'll be there fo rme, but it never works out that way.

 

That's an interesting observation. I, too, have never been able to maintain any sort of long term friendship with a woman. However, I'd say that as much as you and I (and others) wish that we had the unconditional love and support from our mother, she has instilled in us such a distrust in the female gender it makes it very difficult to establish/maintain any close friendships with women.

 

For a long time I held the belief that women were just bitchy, vindictive and catty-But I now think that I've incorporated some sort of self-fulfilling prophesy and bailed out of my friendships before the s*** hit the fan. The longest female friendships I have had have been with women 15+ years older than myself.

 

Let's say a girl has never had a close relationship with her father, so when older she seeks out older men to some how fulfill that need for a father. The relationship, more often than not, is probably doomed because she's using him to complete the part of her that is missing. But that is her way (consciously or not) of working out her childhood kinks. I work through those childhood kinks by avoiding it altogether. Not entirely healthy, I know. But I'm working on it.

 

Someone said your mother is projecting..........I agree with that. It's horrible that she's making you the scapegoat, but it's kind of sad for her that she's obviously the one with the problem and doesn't seem willing to change.

[RecordProducer]

Blind_Otter, you should stop seeing yourself as f*cked up and take charge of yourself. You are very young, very smart, and very emotional - it's a killing combination. You have an unquenchable thirst for love and makes you a timed bomb when it comes to relationships to anyone you love. Some people can't move without wheel chairs; some people can't function without love (including myself).

 

Your mother loves you, but she is not capable of showing it the right way. You never told her about your tragedies, probably because you knew it would hurt her a lot. Keep showing love to her and don't fight with her; sooner or later she will respond to your affection and appreciate it. But don't expect results right away. Try to look at things from a more positive angle. You're a beautiful, healthy young woman, your whole life is in front of you, and you will be happy. The wheel of happiness changes constantly. You shouldn't be afraid of your feelings. Relax and try to enjoy every moment.

 

What terrifies parents is when they see us as immature. And they tend to see us as even more immature than we already are. That's why your mom calls you crazy. My uncle has a 17-year old son that doesn't want to go to school and has gotten himself in the wrong company. He still acts like a kid and doesn't have the slightest idea of what life is. My uncle and aunt are scared to death, they call him names, and fight with him a few times a day. They don't know what to do with him, because they love him endlessly and are worried about his future. Same with your mom. She sees her baby falling apart and feels guilty about it. She wonders where she went wrong and how she let you slip away from her hands. She is angry at herself and is taking that out on you. It's easier to blame someone else and parents do it despite of the fact that they love us unconditionally, because if they start thinking that it's THEIR fault - it kills them.

 

You know it's like, a mother lets her little kid play out side and a car hit him. If it's HER fault, it will kill her. But if it's the child's fault, she can somehow live with herself, perhaps not with the loss, but with the guilt. I think you should tell your mother about what happened to you and let her know that you understand she gave her best to raise you and you love her. As cruel as it sounds, she sees you - the product of her egg - and doesn't like what came out of it. So she is frustrated. But it doesn't have to be that way! You have the potential to be great. You only need to use that potential and stop feeling sorry for your-self and act in a self-destructive way. Use that energy for constructive actions. Don't waste it on self-pity.

 

Regarding your BF, I am not surprised you said you'd look for an older guy at this point. Your BF sounds really immature; just the fact that he slept over his son's school time and said "I at least have a family" tells me enough that he can't handle your personality.

 

I think you and I are very similar in many ways, although I am sure you can't see it from your perspective. You are exactly like the darker side of my being - the one that crawls out when I drink. You also analyze things in a similar way. I have always wanted to feel protected in a relationship. Both my ex and current husbands are much older than me. I can't function in a relationship if I don't feel that I am "the child". This trait gets along with the "bossiness" of the strong males. It not only gives them a green light to lead you, but their stamina helps you keep your sh*t together and not fall apart.

 

I think you will be happy when you find the right man. You shouldn't stay in relationships that frustrate you. You CAN find the right guy for you and I think you should, in order to "survive." I think that you (like me) are the type of person who can feel very high when you're loved and spending time with a good, interesting person, just like you can feel totally down when you're alone.

 

I am sorry about your dad, honey. Try to spend as much time as you can with him now as these are his last days of life. And... don't start drinking or doing drugs again, please.

[blind_otter]

The thing is that I don't have these issues with her if I accept my role, or position in the family.

 

My family is f***ed up, totally - obviously. We each have our role to fulfill. They cannot bond together except in crisis, so historically the crisises, since I was molested at age 4, have centered around me.

 

If I accept this, and act submissive, then she never tries to get a rise out of me. She will even baby me, while she rips into me with her words. I wish I could just accept that she is the way she is, and love her the more for it -- my Dad seems to do this. But part of me accepting her and her shortcomings involves incorporating MYSELF into her internal schema, so that the outside world fits her assesment of what is acceptible inside her head. I cannot do this. I will humor her to every length but this one thing -- I am me, and need to be me - only FOR me.

 

I had one kinky childhood.

[Mz. Pixie]

The thing is that I don't have these issues with her if I accept my role, or position in the family.

 

My family is f***ed up, totally - obviously. We each have our role to fulfill. They cannot bond together except in crisis, so historically the crisises, since I was molested at age 4, have centered around me.

 

If I accept this, and act submissive, then she never tries to get a rise out of me. She will even baby me, while she rips into me with her words. I wish I could just accept that she is the way she is, and love her the more for it -- my Dad seems to do this. But part of me accepting her and her shortcomings involves incorporating MYSELF into her internal schema, so that the outside world fits her assesment of what is acceptible inside her head. I cannot do this. I will humor her to every length but this one thing -- I am me, and need to be me - only FOR me.

 

 

I had one kinky childhood.

You got it right. You need to be a separate individual which is impossible with these kind of nutso moms.

 

No offense, but unless you've had one- you cannot possibly "get it" the way someone who has "gets it"

[alphamale]

You got it right. You need to be a separate individual which is impossible with these kind of nutso moms.

I was always under the impression that all moms were nutso, at least from the kid's point-of-view

[blind_otter]

I've got a certifiably insane mother, psychotropic medication and all. She is like unable to view me as a separate person and sees my actions as some kind of direct insult to her.

 

Maybe she is still resentful of the birthing process and secretly hates me for giving her stretchmarks. The world may never know.

[alphamale]

She is like unable to view me as a separate person and sees my actions as some kind of direct insult to her.

um...as I stated 3 or 4 times already, the above is fairly common behaviour from mothers. ask anyone.

[blind_otter]

um...as I stated 3 or 4 times already, the above is fairly common behaviour from mothers. ask anyone.

 

I suppose I meant, to a pathological level. Like going crazy and writing me out of the will, or "washing her hands of me" because I consistently fail to act as if I am extension of her.

 

Or when she refused to speak to me for a year and said I was "dead to her".

 

Or going insane and beating me with a broomstick until I was bloody and couldn't walk.

 

Or mysteriously dropping an iron on the top of my foot and melting the skin off. Thus creating the fugly feet that haunt your nightmares....see, it all comes full circle back to ALPHA.

 

She just takes it to a further limit than most crazy mothers, I'd have to say.