xxbaddgurl83xx Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 I don't really know where to even begin... I am 22 years old and recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. During our relationship together I made numerous mistakes such as lying and cheating. I love him with all of my heart however I purposely did things to push him away from me. He still wanted to be with me despite the cheating and lying however I don't feel that it is fair for him to be with someone like me. He always tells me that I'm afraid to commit and be loved and that I run from my problems instead of facing them. I think in a way he is right. Growing up my home life was exactly stable. My father died of a drug overdose when I was 12 years old and when I was 16 a man broke into my home and threatened to rape me and my mother. As a teenager I had the basic high school romances where I was basically just being used and cheated on. Now that I have found the person that I want to be with I am treating him badly. I think in a way I am afraid to get close to him because it seems that I have been betrayed by all the men that I have come across in my life. Although I was cheating on him, I always accused him of cheating on me and not loving me. Do you think my unhealthy childhood could be causing my fear of closeness that I have now? How can I overcome this and allow my self to love and be loved? I feel like I will be like this for the rest of my life and I just don't know what to do. Any advice would help. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 I definately think it contributes. However, it takes a very long time to overcome these things, I'm still trying myself. I don't know that there are any easy answers to this kind of stuff. I've never found them. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperMonk Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Don't date anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 The desire is the first and most powerful guide in our lives. If you want to be a good girl, you will find ways to overcome your fears and be who you want to be. When we want to be different so that other like us more, but we're actually quite content with our life styles, we start faking that we're something that we're not. But it never yields with anything good. Be the person you want to be and be proud of yourself. Or surrender to your bad side and forgive yourself; once you hit the ground, you'll wake up ashamed and try to change. The answers you're seeking are perhaps relevant, but won't give you a solution to your problem. You have to deal with the consequences. I think you left your boyfriend because he was too forgiving, too much there for you. You're not used to that. You reject the model that you're not familiar with. In order that someone keeps your adrenaline pumping, you need to feel rejected by him. That's a certain prospect for a broken heart. If you are in love with your boyfriend, accept his hand and return his love. Stay away from the bad guys no matter how much they attract you. You might benefit from therapy or self-help books. Your case (betrayal by parent in childhood) is very common and I am sure talking about it will make you understand which part of your personality has degenerated out of your tragedy (the death of your father) and which part is really you. Personally, I think the episode of the guys using you in your teen age is just a consequence, not a cause, but with time things start to turn in a vicious cycle. The robber just added oil to the fire, but you were already formed at age 16. I would assume that the happenings before your father died contributed to the development of your mind much more than the period after age 12. What was your life like before that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted March 28, 2006 Author Share Posted March 28, 2006 Well before my father passed away life wasn't exactly easy then either. I had to deal with having a drug addict as a father which meant that my mom, and myself led everyone to believe that we lived a perfectly normal life because we were afraid of what others would think if they knew what was going on behind closed doors. Anything that we owned that had value would be taken to the pawn shop by my dad. Stereos, tvs, microwave, anything with value did not last very long in my home. I remember getting a starter jacket for Christmas and having to hide it from my dad every day when I got home from school. I also remember my mother having to cater to his every need. There was a lot of yelling and screaming in my house and I felt that it was my job to protect my 5 year old brother from everything. When my father passed away I am the one who found him. I was the only one home when this happened so I made the discovery and I am the one who called 911. I feel like I forced to mature a lot faster than other children my age. Also children weren't exactly nice to me. I had a lot of friends but because my family didn't have much money due to my fathers habbit, I didn't get to wear the trendy clothes like everyone else. Plus I was overweight which didn't help with the teasing from other kids. Now things in my life are different. I make a good amount of money and can afford things on my own, plus I lost a lot of weight and people are always complimenting me. However, I think a combination of my fathers drug abuse, my beign forced to grow up fast and being overweight has contribued to the way I feel about myself now as a adult. I'm sure that is what any therapist would tell me! Link to post Share on other sites
PYT Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Well before my father passed away life wasn't exactly easy then either. I had to deal with having a drug addict as a father which meant that my mom, and myself led everyone to believe that we lived a perfectly normal life because we were afraid of what others would think if they knew what was going on behind closed doors. Anything that we owned that had value would be taken to the pawn shop by my dad. Stereos, tvs, microwave, anything with value did not last very long in my home. I remember getting a starter jacket for Christmas and having to hide it from my dad every day when I got home from school. I also remember my mother having to cater to his every need. There was a lot of yelling and screaming in my house and I felt that it was my job to protect my 5 year old brother from everything. When my father passed away I am the one who found him. I was the only one home when this happened so I made the discovery and I am the one who called 911. I feel like I forced to mature a lot faster than other children my age. Also children weren't exactly nice to me. I had a lot of friends but because my family didn't have much money due to my fathers habbit, I didn't get to wear the trendy clothes like everyone else. Plus I was overweight which didn't help with the teasing from other kids. Now things in my life are different. I make a good amount of money and can afford things on my own, plus I lost a lot of weight and people are always complimenting me. However, I think a combination of my fathers drug abuse, my beign forced to grow up fast and being overweight has contribued to the way I feel about myself now as a adult. I'm sure that is what any therapist would tell me! I think you need to focus on yourself for awhile and being out of a relationship temporarily may ultimately be good for you if you take advantage and put your energy into helping yourself by building a foundation for your future that you obviously did not get growing up like that. That's what I had to do and I learned it through CBT which stands for cognitive behavioral therapy. It helps eliminate your thinking errors which lead to your self destructive behavior. You have to work at using the tools CBT teaches you but if you do I think they can help you a lot. Go to your library or pick up a copy of Been There, Done That? DO THIS! by Sam Obitz. It is a CBT based book which deals with anxiety and overcoming an dysfunctional upbringing and it is an easy read. If you like what you see there you may also want to read Feeling Good by David Burns which is more textbook like but full of useful information to help you help yourself. Good Luck and you can get better, it just takes some work. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 So instead of being protected by your father, you had to protect yourself and your little brother from him, while your mother wasn't any protection. What naturally happens with children that grow up without protection is that they rely on themselves and lack trust in other people. They also suffer from low self-esteem, although it might not be obvious on first sight. Betrayal is injected as a natural thing in your mind when you were young. So you felt that it was ok to cheat and lie as that's what you grew up with. Did you cheat on your BF more than once? Link to post Share on other sites
theduke Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 I don't think infidelity is ever the real problem-- it is the main symptom that things aren't right where you already are. Let me echo what PYT said about the Sam Obitz book, I agree 120% about those TEA forms. Link to post Share on other sites
PYT Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 XX how are you doing now? Record is right about low-self esteem being the underlying problem and the CBT exercises are great at building up your self-esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
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