chryssy83 Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 He has an ex girlfriend he is still close with. He's been talking more and more lately about getting really serious (marriage, etc.). I love that idea...I knew years ago I wanted to marry this guy. I don't want him to lose friendships in order to be with me....BUT I feel like I should be able to meet this girl. She refuses, he tells me to consider her feelings. HER feelings?!?!?! Well, here's the thing--I don't feel like I can marry him until the ex thing is straightened out. My roommate says I should tell him now that if the ex is over him, she will be able to be friends with me, too. Not necessarily close friends, but enough that we could be in the same room and be friendly. She says I should tell him that we can't get engaged until it's taken care of, and we have to get engaged soon if we're going to get married when he says that he wants to. Apply big pressure, basically. My mom says I shouldn't bring it up. We aren't engaged, there are a lot of other things that need to happen before we would get engaged, and I should wait and let him decide for sure that he wants to get married before I start telling him how things would need to be if we were to get engaged/married someday. She also thinks that if we did get engaged, it would be a huge wake-up call to the ex, who would either accept me or ditch him as a friend. Then, it wouldn't be my doing. What do you guys think? We've talked a ton about her, and he knows I think she should grow up and get over this to the point where she can at MINIMUM acknowledge that I exist. He doesn't know that I'm not sure we can be married unless this changes even more than it already has. I'm not usually into playing games--I think a person should be upfront about what she is thinking and how she is feeling. BUT, I don't want to fight about it and I don't want to scare him off from making things more serious. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 My mom says I shouldn't bring it up. We aren't engaged, there are a lot of other things that need to happen before we would get engaged, and I should wait and let him decide for sure that he wants to get married before I start telling him how things would need to be if we were to get engaged/married someday. She also thinks that if we did get engaged, it would be a huge wake-up call to the ex, who would either accept me or ditch him as a friend. Then, it wouldn't be my doing. I agree with your mom. Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Here's my take....Watch out! He can be friends with the "ex" but why not have you there too? Believe me, I was there, in your shoes, and it gets way too painful to wonder about, there is no reason "her feelings should come first"...after all, you are the one that might marry him? I'd step it up a bit and just say that if you need a "secret friendship" with your ex, maybe we shouldn't be together. Sorry if this isn't what you want but I got burned on this very same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 So you got burned...did they end up getting together romantically? Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 That's really sketchy. My boyfriend's ex WANTED to meet me, and it makes everything so much less awkward. I don't think you should trust that girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Delectable Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Here's my take....Watch out! He can be friends with the "ex" but why not have you there too? Believe me, I was there, in your shoes, and it gets way too painful to wonder about, there is no reason "her feelings should come first"...after all, you are the one that might marry him? I'd step it up a bit and just say that if you need a "secret friendship" with your ex, maybe we shouldn't be together. Sorry if this isn't what you want but I got burned on this very same thing. I wish more men thought like you! Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Hrmmm... What an awkward situation... I think that she should WANT to meet you, don't you think? After all, if you're friends with a person, you want them to be happy AND you want to be a part of their life. Also...why is he shielding her? What is he protecting her from? This sounds like if it's not a big problem for you all, that it will be some time in the future. I have more questions: Does he spend time with her alone? Is he gone for long periods of unexplained time? What do your boyfriend's friends/ family think of this girl? How do they react to her? I've seen situations like this before...BUT I would need to know more before I could assert an opinion on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 This is a big problem and I don't anticipate that it will go away quickly or easily. I also think she should want to meet me. When my friends have serious girlfriends, I ask tons of questions, ask to see pictures, try to schedule a meeting. She doesn't just want to be friends with him, in my opinion. He shields her b/c she manipulated the situation. If he says my name she ignores it and changes the subject. He's naturally a conflict-avoider and apparently she just acts miserable the moment he mentions me. I have told him this is unhealthy and that she needs to get over it or he needs to give her more space/time. I met her once. Sort of. I was somewhere she wasn't expecting me to be and she flipped out. He used to spend time with her alone but I finally drew a line. He can see her for short periods of time, if I know about it in advance. He hasn't seen her since January but has plans to meet up with her again in May. We've talked about it. She lives far away so any unexplained period of time would be a couple of days, and the answer is no on him disappearing. His parents think that if he and I are serious he shouldn't be hanging around her. They have said that they wish they could just instruct him to stop it but he's an adult and wouldn't listen anyway. I haven't ever heard what any of his friends think about it. I don't think they are in touch with any of the friends they used to have in common anymore. The friends he has now, even old friends, met her in the past but they weren't close. This isn't a new thing. We've been together for almost 4 years, so it's been 5 since they were dating. Why hasn't she moved on?!?! I don't trust her and I don't think I will ever like her. I have told him before that I can't see why he needs someone in his life who is hoping our relationship will fail. If any of my friends started badmouthing my bf, or pretending he didn't exist, I don't think I would have room for them in my life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Safaria Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 If you guys are that serious there is no reason his ex should be lingering around in the background like that. You need to find out why she's still calling the shots with him and what her tie to him is and why he's keeping an umbilical cord attached to her the way he is. Tell him it's time to cut the cord! Link to post Share on other sites
Delectable Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 If you guys are that serious there is no reason his ex should be lingering around in the background like that. I agree but some guys defend the whole 'holding onto a friendship....she is just a friend' or 'As I grow older I don't make that many friends I try to hold onto the ones I have' explanation. I don't truly understand it and think it is incredibly unfair because the gf's feelings aren't taken with sincere consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 She isn't over him and you have every right to be concerned. Just one more case to back up my position that you shouldn't date people who remain friends with their exe's. Usually one or both still has feelings. If he doesn't cut her out of his life on his own maybe you will have to tell him to choose between the friendship or your relationship. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Well, it doesn't sound like there's anything going on at this point (meaning it doesn't sound like there's any cheating or anything), but it's pretty obvious that the ex would like there to be, otherwise she wouldnt' be so upset. My question for your bf would be what is he thinking? She's still hooked, you know. Does he enjoy having a woman suffer over him? Does he like the attention? What? Because if he does indeed care about her as a person, the best thing he can do for her is probably say goodbye and let this girl get over him. Out of sight, out of mind. If she's not in touch with him, chances are, she moves on. If she is, it doesn't sound like she'll be moving along anytime soon. She hasn't yet. It's not always a great thing to stay friends with the ex. Sometimes it can be harmful to them and it's better to walk away and let them heal. That being said, you can't tell him how things are going to have to be if you get engaged. Directing someone to do something only breeds resentment, in my opinion. I'm with your mom as far as what you should do, I guess. At least for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I would personally hold off on getting married to someone who has an ex hanging off them. Link to post Share on other sites
lilly36 Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I have been in a similar situation....the BF was in a really long relationship and is still in contact with the ex....I never cared b/c usually exes are exes for a reason......and she definately didn't have the insecurites that this girl seems to have...but the whole ex thing can be difficult to deal with sometimes. I don't think you should offer up ultimatums...however, there are some things to think about. 1- if she is so insecure, do you really want to meet her? I think that it would be akward and a chilly interaction b/t you two. 2- however, maybe actually meeting her will make her see that she needs to get over it and move on. 3- what is the BF's motivation for staying in contact with the ex? If he thinks there is a friendship, he is mistaken. A true friend would be more than willing to meet you, and she is not. She is obviously co-dependent, and insecure. And your BF is only continuing to feed her dependency. You are so right. It's been 5 YEARS!!!! She needs to get over it!!! I do think you should somehow bring up the situation. Try talking to the BF, and say that you understand that she is a part of his past, and if he wants a friendship with her, that is fine, but it has been long enough for her to have worked out her feelings. It's not like you want to be best friends, but it is perfectly normal to want to meet someone who is apart of your BF's life. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lilly36 Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 oh, I forgot. How long did they date? What were the circumstances surrounding their split? Who broke up with whom? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 They dated 2.5 years. She broke up with him. Nothing happened...I think she just decided she was done and they broke up. She has said in the past that she made a mistake but he doesn't think that she did. I have told him this isn't healthy for her. Of course, I seem biased so he just says I am trying to tell him that what I want is in her best interests. I wouldn't have gotten this serious had I known about this whole situation. I mean, I knew that they still talked occasionally early on, but I didn't realize the extent of the relationship. Actually, I think that they have gotten closer during this time than they were when I met him b/c they are more removed from the issues they had in their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
what's going on Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Just wondering how long they have been broken up for and how long you have been going out with him? I had the EXACT same problem...however time changed the situation. As time went on we became closer as a couple and now my boyfriend wouldn't think about putting her feelings first. Link to post Share on other sites
PlentyLV007 Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 I had the same problem with my ex. When we first started dating and even towards the end he would always talk to his ex. I wouldn't understand why but, he did. He said that they went through a lot toghether and she was there for him throgh tough times! I saw yea...you said it "WAS". Now I'm here so why do you need to talk to her. Through our relationship time to time she would call him, and so one. Wow...now that I think of it...I went though a lot of BS w/ him. I was so naive!!!! That was my first love...my first heartbreak too! Oh well...but, yeah I hated the fact that he put her on a pedistol! Even when we broke up he told me he didn't talk to her anymore...wow...what good that does me after 5 years of being toghehter. Funny thing is ....that he's ex ended up cheating on him and he was still there for her...I don't get it. I never hurt him and I gave him my all and yet he never tried being my friend. I don't get it!!! I told him that I could never be his friend. It would hurt too much! Now over 2 years I realized I don't need him as a friend because I have friends! Link to post Share on other sites
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