Dumpers- do the little things mean anything?

[KittenMoon]

To all those who have dumped someone in their life: do you remember the little things after the break-up?

 

We had a cookout at work today, and I was plagued by the memory of my ex-bf's and my elaborate, fantastic BBQs. We were together for so long we did things practically like husband and wife. I realized I won't get any of those this summer. He owns the grill and the apt with the lawn so if he has any, they'll be without me and possibly with other girlfriends. This made me SO sad I cannot even say. I wonder if he'll miss how I organized everything and made all the salads and drinks, etc. I wonder if he'll miss my potato salad which he loved so much I would make vast quantities and often find him eating a big bowl for breakfast the morning after the cookout. That always made me smile (and go "ewww").

 

Do these things mean anything to a dumper afterwards? Do you ever long for the little things your ex gave to your life?

 

I feel like the little things I miss are tearing me apart and I wonder if he feels anything like this.

[riobikini]

KM, as a so-called 'dumper' (forced to be one) , my answer is an emphatic "Yes!"

 

Keep in mind that I am female, though, -and men may not choose to remember those things, -or remember them with the same cuddly affection.

 

But I remember every 'little' thing.....now, I am just choosing to allow those memories to fade....even actively doing stuff to make them disappear from my daily thoughts.

 

I've wrestled with those memories long enough...put my time in...and they've kicked my a*s long enough.

 

As for 'heading them off at the pass'? I am getting quite good at it.

 

-Rio

[KittenMoon]

It's so my fear that he will forget every little thing I ever did for him, which was A LOT. More and more I feel like I was brushed aside for nothing, if he's going to forget everything about me and the life we shared.

 

And the stupid "can't-move-on" part of me is praying that he'll remember these things and how good I was to him and want to come back. (Except he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to)

 

Why do I torture myself like this?!!! And why does six years seem to mean NOTHING now?!!!!!

[jerbear]

For me it was the things she said when she is in distress, the "oh sh*t" or "oh sugar" or that look.

 

The physical part is sharing the bed with someone, physically cold or just an oven. Miss that part alot.

[2020vision]

I was also the "forced dumper" like Rio. I don't even consider myself the dumper, But I believe I do have some light to shine on the subject. KM, I have to say, when I read your post it struck a heart string of mine and tears actually welled up in my eyes. My ex and I used to BBQ together. I used to prepare the food and he would BBQ it. He loved my cooking. I wonder if his new gf cooks like I did, I wonder if he ever misses my food that I cooked with so much love for him. It really is the little things that hurt the worst.

 

From my experience, I believe the answer to this type of question to be "yes". You simply cannot spend a number of years (in your case 6) with a person and just drop everything. The last conversation I had with my ex he said this to me: "You think I don't have memories of you? Because I do. I miss everything about you" (And then he proceeded to go into depth just what he misses) And then I got this: "we are just not compatible. You are an absolutley amazing woman and I do not deserve you" You would think that those words would have made me happy for an eternity, but they didn't. Since this conversation, I have tried my hardest to block out all thoughts about him and try my hardest to not think about what he is thinking. Because whatever he is thinking about me, it is not strong enough to want to be with me. Over the course of our break up (going on 5 months now) I have gotten so incredibly sick of thinking about him. I just refuse to waste my enegery on him at this point. Don't get me wrong, I do have my "moments",that i feel are necessary to get it out of my system, but I limit them and try my hardest not to dwell.

 

So, feel lucky that you do not know these feelings that your ex is having. Because this way, you can prevent the "we're not compatible" speech. Ignorance is truley bliss. The only way that I would get satisfaction about knowing that he missed me is if it was followed by a "I can't live without you" speech and we got back together. And lets just face it, thats probably not going to happen. And, I do not know too much about your ex, but is obviously he's not that great if he doesn't want to be with you, so you don't want an "I can't live without you" speech anyways!

[In Sync]

Pardon me, for asking but aren't you assuming that all dumpers are the same. I mean there are some who dump others out of frustration and perhaps being pushed to the brink seeing the relationship is doing more harm in the long run. Then there are the dumpers who are really just ready to move on to the next conquests. Yeah they liked you but it's a numbers game or they just want to be involved.

Maybe at this point is useless to keep trying to figure out why they dumped you, because it is what it is. Trying to pick their emotional thermometer, how does that help you. Can we know what is in anyone's heart? Everyone has memories even the worst of the worst, but the fact is they have decided to move on.

[KittenMoon]

Pardon me, for asking but aren't you assuming that all dumpers are the same. I mean there are some who dump others out of frustration and perhaps being pushed to the brink seeing the relationship is doing more harm in the long run. Then there are the dumpers who are really just ready to move on to the next conquests. Yeah they liked you but it's a numbers game or they just want to be involved.

Maybe at this point is useless to keep trying to figure out why they dumped you, because it is what it is. Trying to pick their emotional thermometer, how does that help you. Can we know what is in anyone's heart? Everyone has memories even the worst of the worst, but the fact is they have decided to move on.

 

 

Huh? Was this directed at me? I wasn't assuming all dumpers were the same- I was just asking for a particular perspective from people who have dumped someone else in their life. Technically, I am also a "forced dumper" cause my ex is an emotional coward. (this is the word I attach to him in my mind now, "coward")

 

This is my first experience with lost love- I simply don't understand a lot of things about it. So I will ruminate as I choose. And honestly, I'm getting tired of hearing a lot of "don't think about it". I asked a question, and thank you to those of you with constructive comments.

[In Sync]

Huh? Was this directed at me? I wasn't assuming all dumpers were the same- I was just asking for a particular perspective from people who have dumped someone else in their life. Technically, I am also a "forced dumper" cause my ex is an emotional coward. (this is the word I attach to him in my mind now, "coward")

 

This is my first experience with lost love- I simply don't understand a lot of things about it. So I will ruminate as I choose. And honestly, I'm getting tired of hearing a lot of "don't think about it". I asked a question, and thank you to those of you with constructive comments.

 

 

Why are you getting bent out of shape...or better yet defensive? As you stated you asked a question. And I responded. Chill out. Is that constructive enough?

[KittenMoon]

Why are you getting bent out of shape...or better yet defensive? As you stated you asked a question. And I responded. Chill out. Is that constructive enough?

 

I'm not bent out of shape. I asked a specific question that had a specific answer: "as a dumper do you ever think of the little things that made you happy in your past relationship?"

 

Yes or no would do it, or the addition of a few examples, as per above.

 

Not "don't think about it". That's like being asked your opinion of a movie you just saw and being told it doesn't matter because it's over.

[kitten chick]

To all those who have dumped someone in their life: do you remember the little things after the break-up?

After time has passed, no, but the dumpee doesn't remember them either. In time everything fades.

[In Sync]

I'm not bent out of shape. I asked a specific question that had a specific answer: "as a dumper do you ever think of the little things that made you happy in your past relationship?"

 

Yes or no would do it, or the addition of a few examples, as per above.

 

Not "don't think about it". That's like being asked your opinion of a movie you just saw and being told it doesn't matter because it's over.

 

Oh I see. You are very..uhm..structured.

[KittenMoon]

I just like to be able to ask a specific question and get an answer that relates to that question.

 

Crazy...

[kitten chick]

All these kittens

[In Sync]

All these kittens

 

 

((Meow!)) and flexible

[kitten chick]

I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that In Sync is trying to say that to ask a question and understand is fine but it's not great for you to be dwelling so much. Eventually it will become second nature and you don't want that to happen. Overanalyzing won't help you, it will only hurt you. Think about it when you need to and don't force yourself to not think about it.

 

Your relationship meant something to both of you. It's over now though and at some point soon you will have to move on with your life. The memories will fade, the pain will fade, the rollercoaster of emotions that you're on right now will fade. And the reality is that it doesn't matter what he remembers. It matters what you remember. You have the memories that mean the most to you stored away for safe keeping and that's enough.

[KittenMoon]

I'm just trying to get a little perspective on things. Like I said, I've never gone through this before, and I feel like if I don't get as much information as I can about dealing with this, both from my side and from the other side, and everywhere in between, I won't be able to deal with it better the next time it happens. I'll just repeat old mistakes and obsessions.

 

Sort of a "be prepared" mindset.

[In Sync]

I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that In Sync is trying to say that to ask a question and understand is fine but it's not great for you to be dwelling so much. Eventually it will become second nature and you don't want that to happen. Overanalyzing won't help you, it will only hurt you. Think about it when you need to and don't force yourself to not think about it.

 

Your relationship meant something to both of you. It's over now though and at some point soon you will have to move on with your life. The memories will fade, the pain will fade, the rollercoaster of emotions that you're on right now will fade. And the reality is that it doesn't matter what he remembers. It matters what you remember. You have the memories that mean the most to you stored away for safe keeping and that's enough.

 

 

thank you, from one kitten to another in the world of felines you get my point. You get a double {{meow}} from me...

It is sad though, that so many of us spend time trying to wonder whether the person regardless if you are the dumper or dumpee has memories, (everyone has memories) because dwelling is like watching someone deliberately dragging lead weights. Sure we're free to do but if you saw somebody with weights around their ankles wouldn't you try to free them of it. Of course if you don't get my point then no more shalll I say on this subject.

[kitten chick]

KM - You remind me a lot of me when I started posting here a year ago. I just don't want to see you turn out the same way. There comes a time to let things just go and not worry about everything. I'd sooner see you direct this energy into redefining yourself and enjoying your life than worrying about things like what he will remember about our relationship a year from now. I promise you that he won't forget you.

[blind_otter]

Honestly, with my ex who proposed...I can't call him my ex-fiance because I totally don't feel like we were ever going to get married, I just walked around like an idiot with a big rock on my hand.

 

Anyways I find myself having passing thoughts of him, but not to the extent that you describe.

[the_alchemyst]

You asked such a great question, Kitten. I have been wondering about this a lot, myself.

 

Perhaps the amount you think about your ex, regardles of who left who, is proportionate to the amount of time you were with them, and how much love you really had for them.

 

It just makes sense that the longer someone has been a part of your life, the harder it is to "forget" about them, since they were a central figure in your life for so long.

 

I also think that, generally, women tend to rethink the happy memories moreso than do men, probably because men seem to be more able to "block" certain thoughts and feelings from their minds.

 

I am sure, though, that regardless of the situation and circumstance, both think about the other in some way. Of course, this can be briefer for some than for others, but I still do think the throughts persist, even if for a little while, especially so soon after the rupture.

[climbergirl]

You asked such a great question, Kitten. I have been wondering about this a lot, myself.

 

Perhaps the amount you think about your ex, regardles of who left who, is proportionate to the amount of time you were with them, and how much love you really had for them.

 

It just makes sense that the longer someone has been a part of your life, the harder it is to "forget" about them, since they were a central figure in your life for so long.

 

I also think that, generally, women tend to rethink the happy memories moreso than do men, probably because men seem to be more able to "block" certain thoughts and feelings from their minds.

 

I am sure, though, that regardless of the situation and circumstance, both think about the other in some way. Of course, this can be briefer for some than for others, but I still do think the throughts persist, even if for a little while, especially so soon after the rupture.

 

Maybe. But I tend to think that what and how you think about them is more proportionate to how it ended. I really want to think about the good times and the man I fell in love with, but in the latter 1/2 of our relationship I was involved with someone mean and cruel to me. He was such the antithesis of the man I loved that I realized that he was just a figment of my imagination. Therefore, my memories of the good times are just a fallacy.

 

It's almost better to remember him as cruel than to recall the fun we had together and the plans we had for the future.

[riobikini]

Look, we can say they were all bast*ards, emotional cowards, liars, commitment phobes...and anything else you want to add.

 

But, hey- we all loved their sorry as*ses, didn't we?

 

We didn't see any of this when we were so 'in love'...or maybe we did catch a glimpse of it just before our emotional curtain toppled down to cover it up with that big red velvet blanket of love.

 

But it's that annoying knife that's left stuck somewhere in the middle of us, now, that we're trying to disengage (or have just disengaged) without bleeding to death.

 

I've pulled mine out...just dealing, now, with letting the wound crust over to start creating a nice scar.

 

But a few of the rest of you have just been hit with the realization that you've been seriously injured...others are still working on accepting it....I'm not so far removed from it (not sure I ever will be) that I can't identify with what any of you are presently going through, at whatever stage you are in.

 

I remember those emotions, the questions, the excruciating pain, and the endless fog that you live in.

 

And it's gonna last for a while, -til you're good and damn ready to turn it loose.

 

Nobody can tell you when that time is...it just happens.

 

So, KM, -keep posting, -there'll be answers and confirmation here to support you until you grow stronger.

 

But as sure as I'm sitting here, -there'll come a day, you will let go of it.

 

And it'll be your turn to pass that promise on to someone else.

 

Count on it.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I never forget the little things. Sometimes these things come back and slap me even thought it's been 15 years. But then again, I often find it hard to get rid of useless information in my head, so this stuff is even more hard to get rid of.

[serial muse]

I'm just trying to get a little perspective on things. Like I said, I've never gone through this before, and I feel like if I don't get as much information as I can about dealing with this, both from my side and from the other side, and everywhere in between, I won't be able to deal with it better the next time it happens. I'll just repeat old mistakes and obsessions.

 

Sort of a "be prepared" mindset.

 

Hey KM. I know this mindset; it was mine for a long long time. I'm not a gambler; I like to know all the exit routes; basically, I like to stack the deck in my favor.

 

Which is cool and all, only you have zero control over another person, and trying and trying to predict what they will do if you do x and then they respond with y and then you counter with z - well, it's like chaos theory: you can predict things in the short-term, perhaps, but farther out in time it expands out into fractal tendrils in directions that you cannot possibly foresee. Basically you can blow a fuse in your head trying to think of all the eventualities.

 

Don't bother. It's a waste of energy and time. I know you're in the gathering info stage, as a way to protect yourself and try to control things; I've been there too. But after a while, you'll realize you have all these plans of action but you still don't know which one's the right one. So it doesn't help. What helps is to focus on yourself - that's what you do have control over, and it's far more productive and satisfying. I think that's what some people are saying here.

[ReluctantRomeo]

To all those who have dumped someone in their life: do you remember the little things after the break-up?

 

Do these things mean anything to a dumper afterwards? Do you ever long for the little things your ex gave to your life?

 

Male dumper perspective here: yes, I do think of the little things sometimes, even years later, when the situation recurs. So I would imagine that the first time the barbecue comes out would be an emotional moment for him. And that there will be times even years later that a barbecue will remind him of you.

 

I feel like the little things I miss are tearing me apart and I wonder if he feels anything like this.

 

Probably not, I'm afraid. When little things come back to me now, I get a warm nostalgic feeling for a minute. Then I move on.

 

You need eventually to come to a place where you have the same attitude. Occasionally you think of the little things, the memory is a good one, then you move on.