In Sync Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 ...and I feel like if I don't get as much information as I can about dealing with this, both from my side and from the other side, and everywhere in between, I won't be able to deal with it better the next time it happens. I'll just repeat old mistakes and obsessions. Sort of a "be prepared" mindset. So here is information...we all have the ability to change and not keep making mistake after mistake. But we learn from our experiences. If we refuse to change our patterns and obsess over memories we do make the same mistakes again... because we learn from doing not by obsessing. So when people say "move on" or "focus on you", that implies doing something else other than dwelling on the past memories, because a person will stay stuck. Feeling helpless, and in a state of continuous sadness. There is a fine line between having memories and ony thinking about those memories. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind Illusion Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Pardon me, for asking but aren't you assuming that all dumpers are the same. I mean there are some who dump others out of frustration and perhaps being pushed to the brink seeing the relationship is doing more harm in the long run. Then there are the dumpers who are really just ready to move on to the next conquests. Yeah they liked you but it's a numbers game or they just want to be involved. Maybe at this point is useless to keep trying to figure out why they dumped you, because it is what it is. Trying to pick their emotional thermometer, how does that help you. Can we know what is in anyone's heart? Everyone has memories even the worst of the worst, but the fact is they have decided to move on. I believe that the question was whether someone that dumped another still ever had any sentimental remembrances thereafter........... Not whether the break up was justified. Not whether its pointless to ponder over such things. Not why people dumped another and the different types. You're missing the point here, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind Illusion Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Good wondering, Kitty Moon. This is always something I wondered about also. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 I believe that the question was whether someone that dumped another still ever had any sentimental remembrances thereafter........... Not whether the break up was justified. Not whether its pointless to ponder over such things. Not why people dumped another and the different types. You're missing the point here, I think. Then You are not looking at the deeper issue of my statement...so perhaps you are missing the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 Many good points- Part of my just can't stand the idea of him living the same life we lived before- doing the same activities but without me. He's been considering moving away and I want him to do that more than anything. The idea of him living an entirely new life in a new place is far easier to think about- less of those "little things" then intrude. I still feel he's lost the best thing he had going for him- maybe that sounds conceited, but oh well. And I want him to remember every good thing I ever did for him, because the list is VERY long. The little things are the hardest to remember- the hugs, the fun nights out, etc. Mush easier to remember is how he treated me like the place to dump all his anger and stress. Summer = fun times and that's going to make the next several months very hard. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 I wonder if he'll miss my potato salad which he loved so much I would make vast quantities and often find him eating a big bowl for breakfast the morning after the cookout. I don't know if he misses you, but I am sure he misses your potato salad! As for you, I am sure you can find better BBQ than his. No, seriously, if this will console you... I am sure he will tell his next girlfriends about your great salads without seeing anything wrong in mentioning that and they will go crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazy cuz they will give him the "You still love her, don't you?!" kinda crap! Oops... I just noticed that my tact was not turned on.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 No, seriously, if this will console you... I am sure he will tell his next girlfriends about your great salads without seeing anything wrong in mentioning that and they will go crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazy cuz they will give him the "You still love her, don't you?!" kinda crap! Hahaha, this made my morning RP. Thanks. I hope he does, and honestly, it's totally the type of brainless thing he would say w/o thinking. A few weeks ago I had actually considered giving him a bunch of my recipes (which only exist in my head) of the foods he loved most that I made. Now I'm like- heck no! Why buy the farm when he can get the potato salad for free?! So he can live with the fact that he has no one to make him soup or chili or potato salad or lasagna or chinese chicken salad or chicken parmesan or cookies when his friends come over or any of the stuff I made for him. I hope he's cursed with a gf who can't cook worth a damn, because he's one of those people who eats and eats and eats and never gains weight. That would be a wonderful curse to come true. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 From another male dumper a perspective..... The answer from me is an emphatic no. No memories, except the reason why I dumped. Thats it, only that. I throw everything away, everything, out the door, out of my mind. Food, sex, cuddles, photos, monentoes the lot. Gone, for good, for ever. I see no point in having 'fond' memories of people who just don't get it themselves. Even now trying to get them back is impossible for me. I can see the pictures in my head, but there are no feelings attached at all to any of them. I simply do not care. Just as they ultimately didn't care. Gone, dead, for good, forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 From another male dumper a perspective..... The answer from me is an emphatic no. No memories, except the reason why I dumped. Thats it, only that. I throw everything away, everything, out the door, out of my mind. Food, sex, cuddles, photos, monentoes the lot. Gone, for good, for ever. I see no point in having 'fond' memories of people who just don't get it themselves. Even now trying to get them back is impossible for me. I can see the pictures in my head, but there are no feelings attached at all to any of them. I simply do not care. Just as they ultimately didn't care. Gone, dead, for good, forever. Why didn't they care? Weren't you the dumper? Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Thats a long and many pronged story, suffice to say they were too selfish, secretive, and dis-honest. And they agreed with the descriptions themselves. They just didn't get it. As though they understood the relationship was only about them and what they got out of it, not about two people getting it going together. This is only my perspective, coloured by my wonderful experiences. And yes I am a dumper, and will be again if I have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 Ok, this makes sense. If a relationship ended on that kinda note I am sure I'd be wanting to forget the little things too! Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 A few weeks ago I had actually considered giving him a bunch of my recipes (which only exist in my head) of the foods he loved most that I made. Now I'm like- heck no! Why buy the farm when he can get the potato salad for free?! So he can live with the fact that he has no one to make him soup or chili or potato salad or lasagna or chinese chicken salad or chicken parmesan or cookies when his friends come over or any of the stuff I made for him. I hope he's cursed with a gf who can't cook worth a damn, because he's one of those people who eats and eats and eats and never gains weight. That would be a wonderful curse to come true. I know exactly what you mean KM. I wanted to give him my recipes too, but convinced myself out it for obvious reasons. Then, about a month ago he called and left me a voicemail telling me he "needs" a couple of my recipes. Rest assured, I did not call him back! And yes...what a wonderful curse that would be. I would be lying if that did not cross my mind several times! And seeing that he has a new g/f, it just might be true if he is still asking me for my recipes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 Oooh, I can only hope for so much. It would be a small, innocuous revenge. I know how badly most girls my age cook (and most don't realize how bad they actually are), and since I have been cooking longer than I can remember (my grandmother was a home ec teacher) I'm pretty much on the top rung of that particular ladder. Which is good, cause the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right?* My next guy is gonna have it good. *please resist any jokes about how the way to a man's heart is through his pants, thank you Link to post Share on other sites
blueberry Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 im a pretty fine cook and it doesnt mean a thing at the end of the day! his idea of cooking means dealing with the pizza guy... Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 Yeah- in reality maybe it doesn't mean much. At least not in the end. But someone's personality is built of their actions and interests, not just their emotions, so it counts for something. It's just the emotions that f*** things up all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 I'm pretty much on the top rung of that particular ladder. Which is good, cause the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right?* My next guy is gonna have it good. You don't want a guy to marry you because he believes in the typical traditional woman that cooks, cleans, and takes care of her husband and many children, do ya? Don't advertise something that will sell you to the wrong customer! I believe your culinary skills are the bonus reward, not a part of your life style. I know you're proud of your dishes, but don't make guys think that you and your cooking are two equal things. As you see, the way to a man's heart is NOT through his stomach. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 Oh don't worry- that's not what I meant! I'm by no means your traditional housewife type! Not even close! Not even in the same country! I just happen to have the skillz in the kitchen. And like I said, i really do think our hobbies, abilities, interests help build a relationship. Kinda like icing on the cake- they're sweet but they don't make up the bulk or core of the relationship. And they don't really help save it either, I guess. I just hope he remembers occasionally those little things he's missing. Link to post Share on other sites
blueberry Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 i'm sure he is missing those things - but probably more because of the lost convenience than anything else... Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 29, 2006 Author Share Posted March 29, 2006 i'm sure he is missing those things - but probably more because of the lost convenience than anything else... Ouch. I am hoping that's he's got a bit more depth than this. I mean, I miss little things about him, well, just because they made me happy. Even things that were not done FOR me. And anyways, we didn't live together so not much of what we did was a convinience for each other, mostly just a treat, like when I'm make dinner on Sunday nights. I do miss the convinience of using his laundry, though. I have to pay for mine and the machines suck. Link to post Share on other sites
blueberry Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 sorry i didnt mean to sound so harsh - its just that i think men dont get AS romantically nostalgic as us women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 sorry i didnt mean to sound so harsh - its just that i think men dont get AS romantically nostalgic as us women. I know some do. I have the fortunate/unfortunate position in life where I have many guy friends and they are all the cream of the crop if you ask me. The kinda guys who are a bit awkward and not the ones you chase in college, but the type who are smart and caring and nice and protective and who turn into the guys you want as husbands and fathers of your children. I have a very low BS tolerance, so as soon as I sense that quality in a guy (or girl) they are automatically put at arm's length. It's hard to remember most guys are not like the guys I bond with. Damn, I love my guys friends... why are they all involved now?! haha Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I am a woman, I've been a dumper a few times. Didn't think about them at all. Not one bit. I wasn't bitter, just done. I just didn't want them any more. [Maybe I'm a bit of a man that way, I just can't imagine thinking about someone you don't want anymore] These were two year relationships I'm talking about, not six and not live-in so I don't know maybe that would be different. Not all women are romantically nostalgic, but I think all dumpees are because you are not ready to let go so you have to go through the letting go process. My advice though, is it is best not to try to find out what a dumper is thinking, because there is no way it could possibly match a dumpee's intensity (by virture simply of the fact that the dumpee is often caught off guard and therefore not prepared to let go). And so hearing about it how much easier it is for them to move on will just screw you up. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I am a woman, I've been a dumper a few times. Didn't think about them at all. Not one bit. I wasn't bitter, just done. I just didn't want them any more. [Maybe I'm a bit of a man that way, I just can't imagine thinking about someone you don't want anymore] These were two year relationships I'm talking about, not six and not live-in so I don't know maybe that would be different. Not all women are romantically nostalgic, but I think all dumpees are because you are not ready to let go so you have to go through the letting go process. My advice though, is it is best not to try to find out what a dumper is thinking, because there is no way it could possibly match a dumpee's intensity (by virture simply of the fact that the dumpee is often caught off guard and therefore not prepared to let go). And so hearing about it how much easier it is for them to move on will just screw you up. Thank You so much for writing this. Your message is one that should be posted on it's own thread alone, so it doesn't get lost in between the replies of this thread and other LS members could benefit from it. I've come to realize this and it's tough (especially if one is the dumpee) But hearing the straight up on the other side of a breakup is a world of help to some in letting go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Strangely, while I think everything just said makes a lot of sense, I'm figuring out everybody is just so different. And unpredictable. Like, if you have lots of relationships, obviously you'll forget a lot of things. And if you only have a couple relationships your whole life- well you'll probably remember many things, albeit time to time. Is my ex thinking about me a whole lot? I didn't think so. However, if you've been reading my other posts I found out yesterday he was. In the mean time, I've been doing much better. Does this change anything? Not really at this point, but it's nice to know he couldn't just walk away from the relationship unscathed and that at least he'll be going through his own share of pain and eventual acceptance. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Thank You so much for writing this. Your message is one that should be posted on it's own thread alone, so it doesn't get lost in between the replies of this thread and other LS members could benefit from it. I've come to realize this and it's tough (especially if one is the dumpee) But hearing the straight up on the other side of a breakup is a world of help to some in letting go. Thanks for your kind words. I felt mean enough writing the post - - to repost it in its own thread within the coping section would feel too mean to me. I've been dumped too - and I know how that goes, the wondering and wondering what the ex is thinking. It gets you nowhere but it is very hard to turn off nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
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