Something for all of us to think about!

[basscatcher]

I recieved this from a friend today after hours of conversation last night.

I feel it isn't only for me but for all people so I want to share it.

 

Where do Beliefs Originate?

We are taught what to believe and do not develop our full level of consciousness until we reach the age of 12. By then, all the ideologies of our parents, role models, schools and society, their actions, how they handle challenges and insecurities end up shaping how we should perceive. We learned our fundamental beliefs about life through this conditioning and we were also made to belief that they were absolute.

 

When these beliefs are expressed inwardly or outwardly, they are called our attitudes. We only have to look among our family, friends and work colleagues to see differences of beliefs. Looking outside of our country and culture shows how diverse beliefs can be. In knowing how they formed we know that they can be changed. When we change what we believe, our perception and how we feel is impacted greatly.

 

Auditing our Beliefs

Understanding how beliefs generate the thoughts that shape our reality encourages responsible thinking and a conscious desire to audit our beliefs! It is important to challenge our perception before we defend it if we want to constantly grow wiser. Wisdom does not come from proving we are right, it comes from evolving our perception, which changes the way we respond to situations that previously resulted in undesirable outcomes. Auditing our beliefs should be triggered each time we have an undesirable experience because beliefs are the cause of the experienced effect.

 

Dr. S. Lupien of Montreal's McGill University studied brain scans of 92 senior citizens over a period of 15 years. She found the brains of those with a negative self-esteem became 20% smaller than those who felt good about themselves. These people also performed significantly far worse in memory and learning tests.

 

Dr Lupien believes those with a negative mind set could reverse their mental decline. Most of today's neuroscientists agree and this is proving that if we want the quality of our lives to change, then addressing our belief systems is the key. The reasons why we see a glass half empty, full or contaminated ought to be explored and understood

 

Positive and Negative Thinking

People shout, be positive! and positive thinking will make you happy. We have all heard or said it many times yet trying to be positive means we are firing thoughts that confirm we have reason to need to be positive; as if the negative is chasing us! Perhaps the answer is not about being positive because without negative, positive would lose its meaning.

 

It seems forming a thought pattern that does not entertain a reality that is not desired is the key, rather than maintaining beliefs that create undesirable experiences and not being aware they are the reason for the negativity and positivity.

For example, if we are attempting to be positive at work because there is so much negative vibes from an uncooperative work colleague, we are better to address the belief that makes us perceive our work colleagues mood and is negative. If we ignore their and just try to be happy, then the causes will continue to affect us until the stress cannot be ignored.

Identifying what is causing you stress does not make you negative, it prepares you to deal with it so that it does not continue. Ignoring the stress and thinking you are being positive by pushing away only serves to magnify the problem until there is nowhere left to run

 

The message to me is:

Change your beleif system.

Audit your beliefs and see if they work; if not, ask why, then change them so they do.

(3 C's---Complaint, Cause, Cure.)

We all hold onto things that are unhealthy and cause destruction in our lives. I am guilty of it.

[alphamale]

IChange your beleif system.

that's much easier said than done. personally, I would think its close to impossible...

 

Audit your beliefs and see if they work;

you could not "audit" them yourself cause we are all baised in our thinking. you'd need an external auditor. does deloitte or andersen do these type of audits?

 

 

We all hold onto things that are unhealthy and cause destruction in our lives. I am guilty of it.

the negative things people hold onto are needed. you cannot discard them like a used brillo pad. each of us are made up of our past postive AND negative experiences...

[basscatcher]

that's much easier said than done. personally, I would think its close to impossible...

My friend would say NEGATIVE thinking..

 

you could not "audit" them yourself cause we are all baised in our thinking. you'd need an external auditor. does deloitte or andersen do these type of audits?

true that is why he helps me. I am fortunate to have him. He is distant enough, has developed trust with me and I respect him and know he is only helping me to grow.

 

the negative things people hold onto are needed. you cannot discard them like a used brillo pad. each of us are made up of our past postive AND negative experiences...

Needed to learn from not to live by. Learn from it and throw away the negative part of it. Holding onto it will hold you back from growth.

 

I am living proof. I think that goes for most of us here. We don't want to step out of our comfort zone and look at ourselves. We have to start with numero uno. Look at what we do that doesn't work and change they way we view things and do them differently.

[blind_otter]

Martin Seligman, who was the premier researcher on depression and learned helplessness in the 80s and 90s, has shifted his research focus to what you indicated above.

 

This is called "Positivistic Psychology" - as the discipline has been largely focused on disease processes, there has actually been very little research on the coping abilities and skills of those who show emotional resilience and an optimistic outlook on life. How these traits develop naturally is still mostly a mystery.

 

There are several books on this subject out, I would recommend those penned by Seligman rather than self-help gurus.

 

Personally, I think it's a great idea, but I did a lot of the exercises and read one of his books on the subject and I also believe that as ALPHA mentioned -- it takes years of work to change your fundamental belief system. It's how you understand the whole reality of your existence, and changing that is a huge undertaking.

 

I disagree with this statement, though: .

We don't want to step out of our comfort zone and look at ourselves.

 

Human beings are generally growth motivated and it is usually psychological dysfunction that short-circuits this system. If you attend to the dysfunction the growth motivation will return.

[basscatcher]

Thanks B_O..

 

Makes sense.

 

Stepping out of comfort zone is denial in my context.

Denying you have anything wrong with your beliefs.

Believng you aren't at fault in anyway.

Rejection of learning different views.

 

I will stay in my comfort zone because at times I don't want to pull my head out of the sand.

[blind_otter]

Thanks B_O..

 

Makes sense.

 

Stepping out of comfort zone is denial in my context.

Denying you have anything wrong with your beliefs.

Believng you aren't at fault in anyway.

Rejection of learning different views.

 

I will stay in my comfort zone because at times I don't want to pull my head out of the sand.

 

I'm not really sure what you're getting at here. But it's a herculian effort, and does not bear being undertaken lightly. To have high or unrealistic expectations of this process is setting yourself up for failure.

 

Slow and steady. Not motivated only by fear or pain.

[basscatcher]

I'm not really sure what you're getting at here. But it's a herculian effort, and does not bear being undertaken lightly. To have high or unrealistic expectations of this process is setting yourself up for failure.

 

Slow and steady. Not motivated only by fear or pain.

 

Understood. My friend told me I needed to slow down. Stop in my busy-ness.

I understand totally growth is not overnight and can take a long time. I have recognized the ebb and flow in my own life. As he does. This is the 3rd big talk he has given me in the past year..

He recognized when I have fallen and need help getting back up

[blind_otter]

It's good to have friends like that, and to be able to trust others as much as you do.

[basscatcher]

It's good to have friends like that, and to be able to trust others as much as you do.

 

It's been his persistance to help me.

It's the logic he speaks.

It's the backup he gives me to his logic.

 

He has hurt me so it hasn't been a easy path of friendship because we did become involved physically and my pattern of attachment started to develop and he recoiled because the neediness showed.

 

He is the man in the heat of passion said "I wanna f*** you like a mexican whore'. Which left me insulted, hurt, degraded and rotten.

He admitted he was wrong for that. He said he was bad to me and he recognizes it.

(so he is growing too.)

 

It hasn't been easy to get past him disrespecting me. It has taken a lot of me to forgive him.. I don't trust him on a emotional level of allowing him to handle my heart. But I do trust him with his insight and desire to help me grow.

 

It's ironic how those closest to us can hurt us and also help us.

 

I put a lot of trust and faith in his knowledge. He IQ is too big for him..

[blind_otter]

I wouldn't know, but it's good that you can do this and reach out. The only people I reach out to are online, usually. IRL I rarely betray my weaknesses.

 

I would not lean so heavily on others' insight, though.

[kitten chick]

Have any of you actually tried this? I'm getting "reprogramed" now and I think it's a crock, it's quite clearly not working. I don't think people's core beliefs and thought processes change all that easily. You may call this a negative statement but I believe experiences hold a higher value than thoughts or beliefs. I could just blow some smoke up your arse and tell you how wonderful it is to think positively and everyone can do it. It's positive but its a lie.

[basscatcher]

I dont call him..

 

He just knows.. He can tell by the types of emails I will forward him.

 

What a email says impacts me differently depending on the state I'm in.. He can tell when I am struggling by just that.

 

He is observant, has a intuition about me, can see into my core even when I try hide it..

[a4a]

Interesting Pada now you seem so focused on this man.

 

Another man who rejected you correct?

 

Sorry again, just a half assed observation perhaps?

[blind_otter]

That's all well and good, but IMO it's a mistake to rely so heavily on other people's opinions regarding your situ. It helps to take in the info, process it, but not to deify that person who is helping you....most of the time, it's because they have something to gain. Even if that is not maliciously directed at you, it can have a negative effect.

[blind_otter]

Interesting Pada now you seem so focused on this man.

 

Another man who rejected you correct?

 

Sorry again, just a half assed observation perhaps?

 

this what I was trying to say. IN a horribly roundabout way, but yeah....I wouldn't even consider an ex fling who liked to spew profanity when we were intimate, as a potential friend.

[basscatcher]

Interesting Pada now you seem so focused on this man.

 

Another man who rejected you correct?

 

Sorry again, just a half assed observation perhaps?

 

NO not interested. Focused yes because what he says I agree with and respect.

 

He rejected my clingyness and neediness. He rejected my negative attitude.

I also rejected him in the sense of relationship after he did..

 

I view him as a associate friend who gives me awareness of myself so I can get off my shytter..

 

If he was a women who talked to me and gave me the insight he does would you be so quick to notice it was a female? Just because he is a man doesn't mean I want to f*** him or want a relationship with him.. I have been there with this man and it didn't work but the support part of the friendship remained.

I have a Xbf that I can talk too also to get insight and honesty but he isn't as educated as this one.. He and I have developed respect for one another and when we need support we know we can call the other for it.

 

I don't have any gfs that have insight like my alpha male friend. My issues are about men so who better to give me direction but from a man.. Especially a man who has witnessed and experienced my dysfuctions.

[blind_otter]

If he was a women who talked to me and gave me the insight he does would you be so quick to notice it was a female? Just because he is a man doesn't mean I want to f*** him or want a relationship with him.

 

I don't have any gfs that have insight like my alpha male friend. My issues are about men so who better to give me direction but from a man.. Especially a man who has witnessed and experienced my dysfuctions.

 

Well that's kinda flawed logic. Because first of all none of the parties you mention would be objective, much less an ex-lover.

 

There wouldn't be an issue of concern if it were a female. I didn't suggest that you want to pursue a relationship. My question is what would motivate anyone to ask for a behavioral analysis by an ex-lover? Even I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment.

[basscatcher]

That's all well and good, but IMO it's a mistake to rely so heavily on other people's opinions regarding your situ. It helps to take in the info, process it, but not to deify that person who is helping you....most of the time, it's because they have something to gain. Even if that is not maliciously directed at you, it can have a negative effect.

 

Ah interesting you mentioned this..

I jumped him about him taking advantage of me and manipulating me into what he wants me to be...

He told me flat out that he doesn't want a dog in his life. He said if he manipulated me to form me into what he wanted that would be disgusting.

He told me he believes in people growing and moving forward to make their own decisions and not DEPEND on other people to do it.

He said if he wanted a dog he would go get one to lay on his porch.

He said that is one of the reasons why I repelled him in the first place. I was conforming to try please him and not be true to myself as a individual person..

[blind_otter]

This is the thing - if you have an issue with approval seeking from male figures you run the risk of taking another male, and putting him in that position, even in a non-sexual way.

[basscatcher]

My question is what would motivate anyone to ask for a behavioral analysis by an ex-lover? Even I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment.

 

I do ask those who know me best and intimately.. They are the ones who can see our flaws. I have some people in my life that don't sugar coat to me but they know how to talk to me.

 

Not every person I have known would I trust to give me constructive criticism. Only certain persons.. Persons I can respect and trust.

 

Even Xbfs--Yes I can respect them and trust them. Just because we weren't compatible in a relationship doesn't mean that we can't be assocaite friends..

[a4a]

He said that is one of the reasons why I repelled him in the first place. I was conforming to try please him and not be true to myself as a individual person..

 

well maybe the real you is a person that goes to no ends to try to please others?

[basscatcher]

This is the thing - if you have an issue with approval seeking from male figures you run the risk of taking another male, and putting him in that position, even in a non-sexual way.

 

How can I be seeking approval from him when he is upfront with me about things that are hard to swallow.

What he gives me isn't approval but his vision of what isn't healthy and good in me.

 

Many people in LS have pointed out things about me by my posts also. I take each of those to heart and weigh them. It is not always easy to take in and do that.

 

Seeking approval to me is seeking someone to accept me in my dysfunction and support that dysfunction. Accepting me where I am at in a unhealthy state with no need to grow and learn.

[basscatcher]

well maybe the real you is a person that goes to no ends to try to please others?

 

I believe there is truth to this. I do recognize this in my past. It is unhealthy..

I lose my identity and individuality doing this.

I am guilty..

 

I have known this for years and years and I tend to slip into it from time to time.

 

It comes from being told that:

'NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT OTHERS WANT YOU TO DO OR YOU WONT MAKE IT IN LIFE.'

this was a broken record to me from my dad since I can remember..

 

It is bad programing that I lived and have struggled to not believe and break the habit..

[blind_otter]

How can I be seeking approval from him when he is upfront with me about things that are hard to swallow.

What he gives me isn't approval but his vision of what isn't healthy and good in me.

 

Many people in LS have pointed out things about me by my posts also. I take each of those to heart and weigh them. It is not always easy to take in and do that.

 

Seeking approval to me is seeking someone to accept me in my dysfunction and support that dysfunction. Accepting me where I am at in a unhealthy state with no need to grow and learn.

 

What you describe isn't approval-seeking behavior.

 

Approval seeking behavior involves questioning a perceived authority figure, and receiving their guidelines for behavior, and then forcing self-conformation in order to win approval from the authority figure.

[basscatcher]

What you describe isn't approval-seeking behavior.

 

Approval seeking behavior involves questioning a perceived authority figure, and receiving their guidelines for behavior, and then forcing self-conformation in order to win approval from the authority figure.

 

 

I'm trying to understand this and It seems the same to me just is to seek approval for what the person is already doing and the other is like a child seeking approval for a lesson learned.

 

They both are seeking approval