Lots of love but little contact.... I am really suffering

[overseas2004]

Hi all,

 

I will try to make this short. Met a guy on a plane going to Europe in a country which I come from originally. I stayed in the city that he lives in for 2 weeks and we saw each other everyday. After about a two weeks he spent the night in my bed but he did not sleep with me although he was totally turned on and so was I. He said he felt that "it would only be good for our relationship to wait". He also said that he didnt have condoms and was hypocondriac about AIDS. Well I agreed with him.

 

I left on a business trip to another European country and we kept in contact but it was mostly me doing the callling. On my way back to the States he proposed that I come and visit him again if I could get time off. I did, and I went back for another week. This time we slept together. At the end of my trip we made plans to see each other in May again. When I left he asked me if I would get an AIDS test before I came back. He told me he would get one too. He said that he would like to start having children with me and that we should get married soon.

 

This totally threw me for a loop. I knew that we fell in love fast. I felt it too. And we are both older... 38 to be exact. According to him he is eager to get married and have children. And he knows that I am worried about waiting too much longer. By the way, one added important fact is that he is totally stunning. Women chase after him like crazy. And the town he lives in has many more women than men. .

 

Yet, I found him to be very serious and reasonable. He was also wonderful to me at all times that I was there. The only thing that bothers me is that when we are apart I am the one to maintain the contact really. He is very bad at that. I tried to talk to him about it twice in a very calm and rational tone. He did not give convincing arguments about it. Said he was crazy busy and that when he gets in its too late to call me. He has continued this behavior now that I am in the States and the excuse of course of it being too late is now hogwash since I am six hours behind him in time.

 

I know we are far apart and I certainly dont expect daily calls. But he has money to call and we have the ability to exchange SMS. The other day I decided to stop contacting him to see what happens. He only sent me one SMS so far asking "are you mad at me or something". I told him "no I am just feeling sick, have stomach flu". He was polite and inquired further about me being sick and told me to call him with what the doctor says.

 

Since then 2 days ago... nothing.

 

Its hard for me to determine what is going on here. I dont know him well enough. And I dont know how to act. But I hate it. I really do. Because it goes against all that stuff he said.

 

 

One more important fact: Last girlfriend of 10 years broke up with him because they fought all the time. about: He says they grew apart because she did not give him his freedom. Hence you see why I am not eager to rock the boat.

 

Some advice please.

[gypsycat]

Honestly I'd be very concerned about the speed at which he is suggesting marriage and children. I lost track of the timeline but it seemed to come up very suddenly. Bit of a red flag there. I'm not saying he's playing games, but he wouldn't be the first to have done so with the whole rapid marriage thing.

 

You can't make him contact you more than he does. He's either not that way inclined or he has some other reason. Either way, you need to work out if this is the kind of relationship you want? Something just seems funny here, that or I'm really cynical of this guy's motives.

[ImWithHim]

Honestly I'd be very concerned about the speed at which he is suggesting marriage and children. I lost track of the timeline but it seemed to come up very suddenly. Bit of a red flag there. I'm not saying he's playing games, but he wouldn't be the first to have done so with the whole rapid marriage thing.

 

You can't make him contact you more than he does. He's either not that way inclined or he has some other reason. Either way, you need to work out if this is the kind of relationship you want? Something just seems funny here, that or I'm really cynical of this guy's motives.

 

A huge +1 to that.

 

He wouldn't be trying to get quick & easy citizenship to the US via marriage would he?

[ImWithHer]

Okay, time for a guy's perspective. I hate to mess up a good thing another guys has, but...

 

It does sound a little like you're being played. A guy has a woman here, a woman there, he knows what to say to keep 'em interested, BUT - he doesn't have the time or interest to call them all. Sorry, that's harsh, but it was my first impression.

 

The other possibility of course, is that he has simply grown very fond of his freedom and independance and doesn't need constant contact to keep his interest alive. He may be genuinely in love with you, but truely busy and not in need of a lot of attention. Some people are like that.

 

Three ways to find out:

 

1. Have a frank and open discussion with him about these issues. Get everything on the table. Communication is the key. Show him this thread if you want. Trouble is, if he's really slick and wants to keep you on the line, he could still lie.

 

2. Back off. See if he puts any more effort into keeping the relationship alive. If he's generally not interested, he'll let the relationship simply fade away.

 

3. Set a date for the marriage. This one is a bit risky because you could scare him away, or wind up married to the wrong person - but you'll have an answer.

 

I would really give it A LOT more time. Yes, I know you feel like you're wasting good child-rearing years by waiting, but you'll waste a lot more if you get married to the wrong person by rushing. Good luck.

[overseas2004]

I stopped calling him and then he started to call me.

 

I talked to him about it when he did call and he told me that he has alot of problems right now and that it has been hard to focus on us, when we dont have any problems. He apologized and made plans with me to see me in May again. We agreed that I would take a month off from work and we would go on vacation together. He says that at that time we will formalize all our plans.

 

Part of this problem I have is that I dont like that he doesnt call but on the other hand... I have been burned and am somewhat gun shy.

 

Oh as for the US passaport thing... I doubt it since he has been approved for a green card and is in line to get one in teh near future. His father was a U.S. citizen.