can anyone help?

[Teri Jo]

I could really use some advice. My problem is this:my bf had an affair six years ago. The other woman then moved to a different state and things were good. I thought that I had put things in perspective. The thing is that she has moved back and he is "friends" with her. If this was all I think I would be ok, but anytime she wants anything he runs to take her. Sometimes I feel that she is his gf more than me. She has a bf of her own so I know that there is nothing sexual going on. However I know he still has romantic feelings toward her. I don't think that she shares them. All I know for sure anymore is that I'm tired of feeling that I have to share him with another woman in that way.

[Tony T]

You're nuts to stay with a guy who has another woman out there that important to him, a lady he cheated with no less.

 

I wouldn't even bother talking to him about this. The fact that he wants to rush to help her and be with her should be enough for you to get out of this relationship ASAP!!!

 

Go find yourself a guy who will be yours exclusively and not rushing to another lady he likes whenever she calls. I hate to say this but this guy will never settle down with you if he's acting this way. He's looking for something that does not exist in his relationship with you.

 

Do yourself a favor and go look for love with someone else.

[Kiz]

Everything I've read from you sounds so right...I have a similar problem: my bf (the rice cooker guy)has a best friend of 12 years...she's a former (sexual) girl-friend.

 

She's engaged;but, he talks to her/emails at least once a week (understand, he's on-line everyday...first thing in the morning and as soon as he gets home...he's a fanatic...it's not just about emailing her)

 

However, it drives me nuts...he's also friends with pretty much all of his exes (but she's the numero uno).

 

I don't want him to not have friends, but when I woke up last week and he was on the phone with his dad telling him that "Abby" was okay (she works/lives in NY), I exploded. I told him that while it was great that she was fine, the fact that he's still close enough to her that it matters that his dad knows she's okay was insane. He then goes into this long pout and gets mad at me, because according to him, I should know that she's NOT competition, that I'm his GF and he wants me, but I'm sick of hearing about her...he actually thinks we should all be able to sit down and eat/socialize together...why would I want to to have dinner with him, his ex lover, and her fiance...I mean, she slept with MY guy for goodness sakes...I know he's not a virgin, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life (assuming we even last that long) having to be confronted by his past.

 

I really think this relationship is so over.

[midori]

The ex question. It's such a tricky one: you can't dictate who your bf's friends are and you ought to be confident & secure enough to not feel threatened by a truly platonic relationship.

 

But this doesn't sound like a truly platonic relationship. This sounds like a guy who's still hoping that something more will come of his association with this woman.

 

This is also a person with whom he once betrayed your trust. Even if he really did no longer harbor romantic/sexual feelings for this woman, I think a friendship between them is inappropriate as long as he's still with you. How is that supposed to bolster your trust in him? It's ludicrous to think that any connection to her would be acceptable to you. When someone cheats, if they're lucky enough to be able to repair the relationship with their partner they ought to be grateful and smart enough to recognize that all ties to the "other" must be permanently severed. Even if the other is a nice person who in other circumstances would make a great friend. They should be distancing themselves from their lapse as much as possible.

 

Your bf's not doing that. He's being completely disrespectful of you. He's using you. I'd get rid of him immediately, no questions asked, no excuses accepted. Only a real jerk would betray and devalue someone's love and trust the way he has yours. What nerve. It sounds like you've been way too understanding and tolerant. You don't deserve this treatment -- no one does.

[BeenThere!]

Went through the exact same thing with my current boyfriend last year. The good ol' "ex-girlfriend baggage" sh##. It took several months before he finally put closure on things, and I was real close several times to cutting out, but I think we've finally reached an understanding. "J" is very attractive, and spent many more years *single* than I did. During that time he had accumulated MANY female friends...and with an exception of only a few...had f##### just about all of them! And the ones he didn't...well, he "wanted to" but for some reason they didn't reciprocate. (Perhaps they knew him better than me!) Knowing he was still very *close* to these woman didn't exactly make me feel comfortable or secure with OUR relationship. They were still emailing and calling each other...and on one occasion he snuck off to meet one for lunch who he admittedly was intersted in but (according to him) it didn't work out. I was becoming irritated, and it had absolutely NOTHING to do with being insecure about myself. As a matter of fact, it was *confidence* that brought me to the resolve that I didn't have to put up with all the ex-girlfiends...that I could move on and find someone else who didn't have any baggage to deal with.

 

I was straight up-front from the beginning, I told "J" that I was uncomfortable with these friendships...that I didn't like it, but I didn't demand in the beginning that he end them right away. But a few months later, when he moved into my home, I told him that I didn't want these women to have my unlisted telephone number. I didn't want them calling the house at all hours to complain about their current relationships (as they often did) and interfere with ours. I told him that if these girls were *true* friends, than they would be happy for him now that he had someone in his life and they would *respect* our space. He was in agreement, except for one girl; "C", who he had had a four year relationship with prior. This girl had decided one day, after being with him for four years, that she was gay--left him for another girl (who she was cheating on him with)--kept him as her friend--than decided (at the same time WE met)that she wasn't gay anymore and now wanted a *normal* relationship. (A full-fledged nutt case!) "C" wasn't *thrilled* to learn that her ol' buddy "J" was moving in with me and I knew exactly where this was headed. Still, I told "J" that if this "friend" was so special to him, that it was okay for her to have our number...that I "tusted" his judgement. Afterall, it was better she call him here, than sneak calls to him at work. But for some reason, he never gave it to her. Go figure?

 

I have to tell ya, Kiz, its not real comfortable when you attend some social event with "his" friends and have to meet the other women who he's been sexually involved with. The first thing you do is picture your guy with this person...or in my case "personS"...and you feel *sick* to your stomach. You have to bite your tongue and force a smile so you don't appear as uncomfortable as you're feeling. I don't care how confident you are, you still feel like sloppy seconds; that EVERYONE knows what your boyfriend looks like naked and that he's used the same "moves" and "words" on them that he's now using on you. I wouldn't wish that on ANY woman.

 

Its been almost a year now, and "J" has finally let go of his past. He's gotten rid of the pictures, old love letters and poems that he brought into my house. And with the exception on ONE female friend who has just recently married, he claims there is no more contact with these ex-lovers turned platonic friends. Do I believe him?...ABSOLUTELY, until I have proof otherwise. Meanwhile, I focus as much as I can on making sure *our* relationship is the best that it can be. Although, I must admit, I do recycle the past events from time to time which keeps me from trusting completely. But I love him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt, and there is nothing wrong with being cautious. And if anything should happen and this relationship ends, I WILL NOT be one of those ex-female lovers who continue to email and call just because I need a little *male* attention. I'll find THAT with someone new!

 

Good luck Kiz, with whatever you decide. Keep us posted on how it goes! You got a good head on your shoulders. Use it!

Everything I've read from you sounds so right...I have a similar problem: my bf (the rice cooker guy)has a best friend of 12 years...she's a former (sexual) girl-friend. She's engaged;but, he talks to her/emails at least once a week (understand, he's on-line everyday...first thing in the morning and as soon as he gets home...he's a fanatic...it's not just about emailing her) However, it drives me nuts...he's also friends with pretty much all of his exes (but she's the numero uno). I don't want him to not have friends, but when I woke up last week and he was on the phone with his dad telling him that "Abby" was okay (she works/lives in NY), I exploded. I told him that while it was great that she was fine, the fact that he's still close enough to her that it matters that his dad knows she's okay was insane. He then goes into this long pout and gets mad at me, because according to him, I should know that she's NOT competition, that I'm his GF and he wants me, but I'm sick of hearing about her...he actually thinks we should all be able to sit down and eat/socialize together...why would I want to to have dinner with him, his ex lover, and her fiance...I mean, she slept with MY guy for goodness sakes...I know he's not a virgin, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life (assuming we even last that long) having to be confronted by his past. I really think this relationship is so over.

 

[Kiz]

Your post really helped me.

 

I'm falling in love with my guy.

 

He constantly tells me that she's just a friend.

 

She went through a "gay period" as well. They broke up because she couldn't stay faithful to him.

 

I always tell him that even though she's engaged, she shares too much infor with him. I mean, she has a man, she should talk to him.

 

I informed my boyfriend that we wouldn't be "eating with, socializing with" them as a couple. If he wants to hang out with them fine, but I have no interest in sitting down with three other people and the other female has slept with both men at the table. I know he's not romantically interested in her anymore, but frankly, I think he needs to cultivate friendships with people who aren't exes.

 

I will probably always feel like second best (and I'm working on trying to believe him); but, I really don't see a future for us.

 

I'm pulling away from him both physically and emotionally, because I know I'm falling in love, and I don't want to be hurt down the road.

 

It's really rough because he has to be (aside from this ex) one of the most gentle, kind, and thoughtful men I've ever dated.

 

We'll see what happens.