Resentment Issues

[bkz]

Hi all. Some of you may have read my thread addressed to Mz. Pixie but now im moving on to this thread to be more spacific in whats going on. She moved out 2 weeks ago stating she wanted time to miss me and realize she was staying in the marriage for the right resons not because everyone told her to. Its real complicated with my w's possible mental illness and physical issues but to make it simple she told me on Sunday the main problem has been her inability to let her resentmant and anger towards me go. Shes allways the victum but she does have some things to be angry about, angry and resentful enough to end a otherwise good marriage? Most of us close to the sitch. dont think so but I guess it doesnt matter.

 

In the past ive had little patiance with my w and her constant nagging and inability to comunicate without whining and nit picking me, so ive at times been a little hard on her in return by telling her to back of and sorta just going into a shell. Ive ruind some good times with us and even around her family by getting upset and not speaking with her or getting in arguments. Ive never called her a name, raised a hand to her or threatend her but have raised my voice at her in arguments, but not around anyone but her and I not even the kids.

 

Sunday we hung out together with the kids at the zoo and had a picknic, her choice as she inviteded me and wanted to spend time together. We had a great day and afterwords she came by the house to drop me off and get a couple things. We talked and actually she was honest with me for the first time probley EVER. She is very non confrontational and to say shes sensative would be a HUGE understatement. She says she cant talk to me cause she affraid/intimidated by me. She mentioned the first week she moved out she missed me and wanted to come home but this last week has been nice and shes enjoying getting up in the mornings and not having to worry if im happy or not. She says she knows im happy 95% of the time but even still she allways worries about it anyways.

 

She basically says she just doesnt have the energy to work on resolving her issues with me but doesnt want a divorce either. She says shes tiered of her mom and me asking her what she wants and feels pressured, she just wants some space for a while. Sunday she said it was the best day she can remember having with me and she has alot of fun. She said she felt like she could really be herself and enjoy spending time with me as a family, but that she still thought at the end of the day about how I ruined going to the zoo last year with her dad because we werent getting along. She says she feels like the last 10 years have been a waist and she should have divorced me 5 years ago, it would have been easyer. She mentioned that she knows how much differant I am now and how im able to deal with her and take care of her better than ever but she just thinks im faking it and not really gone stay this way if we get back together, she thinks im just acting this way the last 8 months to get her back.

 

How hard is it to get through resentment/anger issues? She got councelling tomarrow morning and is going to continue going so far as I know. Im just not sure how to handle things with her, any input? Thanks!!! Oh also, we were seing the same therapist but I decided to switch and go to my own starting tomarrow witch she knows about as she asked me about it today.

[Ladyjane14]

You can't control her choices, bkz. It's up to her to decide to forgive you and it's up to her to decide to put away her resentment.

 

What you do have control over is what YOU do. And it's better to show than to tell, right?

 

It does no good to say "Baby, I've changed." She needs to SEE your changes. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I think your best bet would be to make the most of your interactions with her. If she comes away with a positive experience when she's with you....chances are, she'll start to see the improvements you've made. She needs to know that she can talk to you and that you're listening. Communication seems to be highly prioritized on her list of concerns.

 

So, show her that you've mastered it. Show her the patience that you've developed. Show her that you are still an interesting and fun guy to talk to.

[Mz. Pixie]

LJ is right. It took years for your marriage to get in this shape, what makes you think it will be fixed quickly.

 

Yet, I call BS on some of her statements, for the simple fact of this "friend" that she has- that you guys don't discuss- that she takes time away from working on her relationship with you to focus on. I could believe her statements if it wasn't for this fact.

 

I think her time away is to give her time to spend with this other guy- without you around- so she can figure out what she's going to do. She is saying she doesn't want a divorce because she wants you both, or she wants to be able to call the shots on her own timeline- ie, keep you on the backburner.

 

I'm just being honest here. She sounds like she's spouting typical fog talk!

[dgiirl]

Yah, I heard the same bs from my cheating exh. That I wasnt approachable. That he resented ME for his unhappiness. And all of this after he met someone. You know why I know it's bull? Because his therapist refused to talk about _me_ in his sessions with his therapist. (This is what he told me). It was all about him. It didnt matter WHY I upset him (which he wanted to tell his therapist), it mattered that he was upset and wasnt communicating. He needed to learn that he was in charge of his happiness. He resents me for not getting the things he wanted, BUT he never asked for anything! And he acknowledges this. How can I possibly make him happy if he wont tell me what will make him happy? And in many cases, tell me the opposite of what will make him happy. He wanted me to read his mind, and I simply could not do that.

 

You cannot get rid of her resentment. We ALL have faults. And no matter how hard you try, you cannot change who you really are, faults and all. Yes, you can listen to some of her needs and you can do some things differently. But at the end of the day, you will still be you and she will still be her, and at a certain point you simply have to accept ppl for who they are.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with MzPixie.

The "friend" is a problem. But again....you can't control your wife's choices only your own.

 

If you've read any information over at marriagebuilders, you should consider yourself in Plan A right now. You're showing your wife that you're capable of being a good partner, and in essence luring her away from the OM. You're fulfilling as many of her ENs as you can.

 

That doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat. You should definately protect yourself and your children from any harmful behaviors. Set boundaries and enforce them. But...you do it pleasantly. You want your wife to see you as the better alternative to an otherwise ruinous path.

[Sassy]

Until she decides to let the resentment issues go you will not be able to work it out. Give her the time she needs to work on herself and if it is meant to be it will if not than it never was. Give her the space she needs and hope like hell it isn't forever. Maybe she doesn't realize what she has and needs to be reminded of it being away. Until she works on herself as an individual than you will not get her whole hearted. Hang in there and her going to counseling is a good thing . She has issues she has to deal with let her deal with them in order to get you back on track. Maybe you two could go to counseling as a couple as well after she has dealt with her issues.

[Guest]

Hi all. Some of you may have read my thread addressed to Mz. Pixie but now im moving on to this thread to be more spacific in whats going on. She moved out 2 weeks ago stating she wanted time to miss me and realize she was staying in the marriage for the right resons not because everyone told her to. Its real complicated with my w's possible mental illness and physical issues but to make it simple she told me on Sunday the main problem has been her inability to let her resentmant and anger towards me go. Shes allways the victum but she does have some things to be angry about, angry and resentful enough to end a otherwise good marriage? Most of us close to the sitch. dont think so but I guess it doesnt matter.

 

In the past ive had little patiance with my w and her constant nagging and inability to comunicate without whining and nit picking me, so ive at times been a little hard on her in return by telling her to back of and sorta just going into a shell. Ive ruind some good times with us and even around her family by getting upset and not speaking with her or getting in arguments. Ive never called her a name, raised a hand to her or threatend her but have raised my voice at her in arguments, but not around anyone but her and I not even the kids.

 

Sunday we hung out together with the kids at the zoo and had a picknic, her choice as she inviteded me and wanted to spend time together. We had a great day and afterwords she came by the house to drop me off and get a couple things. We talked and actually she was honest with me for the first time probley EVER. She is very non confrontational and to say shes sensative would be a HUGE understatement. She says she cant talk to me cause she affraid/intimidated by me. She mentioned the first week she moved out she missed me and wanted to come home but this last week has been nice and shes enjoying getting up in the mornings and not having to worry if im happy or not. She says she knows im happy 95% of the time but even still she allways worries about it anyways.

 

She basically says she just doesnt have the energy to work on resolving her issues with me but doesnt want a divorce either. She says shes tiered of her mom and me asking her what she wants and feels pressured, she just wants some space for a while. Sunday she said it was the best day she can remember having with me and she has alot of fun. She said she felt like she could really be herself and enjoy spending time with me as a family, but that she still thought at the end of the day about how I ruined going to the zoo last year with her dad because we werent getting along. She says she feels like the last 10 years have been a waist and she should have divorced me 5 years ago, it would have been easyer. She mentioned that she knows how much differant I am now and how im able to deal with her and take care of her better than ever but she just thinks im faking it and not really gone stay this way if we get back together, she thinks im just acting this way the last 8 months to get her back.

 

How hard is it to get through resentment/anger issues? She got councelling tomarrow morning and is going to continue going so far as I know. Im just not sure how to handle things with her, any input? Thanks!!! Oh also, we were seing the same therapist but I decided to switch and go to my own starting tomarrow witch she knows about as she asked me about it today.

I have been reading your postings for some time now, and I never say anything, jusy like to read. But I have to say something.......Do you think she is putting as much thought into all of this as you are? Is she thinking about you? Most likley Not! I think you need to make her responsable for her actions.... I mean I have read about a "friend", alot of money missing, possible drug use. When is it going to be enough? Are you going to wait untill something happens to your children? Or you actully see her with the "friend" It seems like she has walked all over you for a long time and she still is. I can tell you the the drug use is a HUGH issue, with the kids for sure, people who use drugs do not need to be around kids, alot of people might say "but she is good mom" no good mom uses drugs! Not only that if she is doing drugs then she is around other peple who use drugs, who are most likely around your kids, that would piss me off. I would not let her see the kids un less she summits to a drug test, you can get them at any drug store. If she takes it good, now you have one questions answered. I think you said that you have a little girl, girls are more likely to get sexually abused then boys, and if you know so little about what she is doing when you are not around, then how do you know who is around your kids. It only takes one sicko one time to change your daughters life forever! Let her deal with what she has to and you should deal with your kids. Put all of this effort you are putting twards a women that I think does not care and focus it on your kids and you. She is dragging you on while she "gets space to figure out what she wants" Be a mna and stand up for your self and be the protector that your daughter (and son) need. I think she is wasting time, and your kids are already growing up too fast, right? Let her go if she belogs to you she will come back......if not at least you can look at yourself and say I took care of my kids, and have NO REGRETS. Please take this advise, i fear for childrean being around people doing drugs, no matter how small the problem may seam.

[2006agreatyear]

I have been reading your story for a while now and I feel like enough is enough! You had better protect your childrean. I dont usally post anythig I just read, but I have to say something for your daughters sake. You have susspected drug use before and she even told you taht she did, but now with her actions lately you are seeing it better maybe, with help from your friend. Even if she is a good mom, but good moms don;t do drugs, she is around other people who do drugs. Do you know who theese other people are? Propably not, she problay doesn't eaither, it only takes one sicko one time to change your daughters life forever, I say this beacuse most of the time girls are sexualy abused more then boys. Your daughter and son need your protection. You have listed a great deal of issues your wife has but I thibnk that the drug use is most important in a treat to the family in a whole. The money issues and the "friend" issues are more with just you and her, but drug use effects everyone around her. Why are the kids still allowed to be with her with you not around if you susspect she is doing drugs? I would ask her to take a grug test, you can get them at any drug store. My guess is that she will say no right away or she will say ok and never get wround to doing it. I just can't stand to think of anouther little girl getting hurt beacuse her protectors are not protecting. I truly hope you take my advise to heart, just think of what I said......one time will change your daughter FOREVER, it will change the person she is. Thats all I have to say, I will continue to read your story and pray for you. Please put as much effort you are putting twards her to something better rewarding, your kids. Let her famliy help her, if she wanted your help she would still be living with you and getting help from her husband, her partner in life.

[bkz]

Well 2006, I appritiate your concernes and they are valid. At this point shes done nothing that would alow me to take the kids from her and the drug use although obviously there I cant prove it. Im keeping a good eye on thing as is my inlaws.

 

I called my insurance company to find out what prescriptions have been filled lately. She filled 7 prescriptions last week and 3 of them inluding her Abien are narcotics and ones a new berth control pill. A few of them are for throat, sinuse and nasal problems, ones Zomig for headaches and one is an antiseizer medication for nuaralga? Gee wonder why shes got throught, sinuse and nasal problems? It says on 4 of the seven not to mix with sleeping pills or anything that makes you sleepy, and all but the birth control pill say use caution when driving. Oh she also takes vicatin and I saw a couple of boxes of sutefed in her glove box last Sunday. All this time shes been going to a neuralagist, ENT, pain specialist who did facet goint injections and her regular doctor whos nothing more than a prescriber if you ask me and they've been able to really find nothing but that she suffers from migranes. What the heck is going on with her!?

 

She was over on Friday to drop off the kids and looked like poop, very frail and skinny plus she had a black eye, she said she hit it on somthing at work. When she got to the house she went streight to the bathroom then went again 10 minutes later. When she was loading her car a few minutes after that I was behind her and notice she was peeing her pants!!!!!! She said I know and just cant stop going pee, she went back in and went again before she left. I know for a fact she never went back to her place that night or the next day, she never called the kids all weekend and she wasnt home yesterday or last night either. I really need to stop checking on her its doing me no good!!!

 

For anyone reading this whos been wondering about me or sees any simalarities in themselves to me its because im a codependant. Ive been researching this and bought a book called "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie. Im totally obsessed with my situation and its not healthy for me or my kids. I need to figure out how to disconnect and let God take over, just stay out of his way and let him work with my wife. It says in the book to disconnect with love if at all possible but if not then disconnect in anger, well im pretty sure im gonna have to let all the things my wife has done start to bother me enough to want nothing to do with her, cause doing it with love will just keep me under her power. Im not giving up on us or giving up hope all together as I pray every day that God will heal us and put our family back together, but I need to disconnect from the situation regardless and take care of myself and my kids. Easyer said than done!!!!! Im not real sure at this point why id even want to be with her but I still in my hart do, oh well im not gonna deny my true feelings.

 

Anyone with advice or input please chime in I could really use it at this point. I really need to get myself focused and start seing things more clearley and for what they REALLY are so I can make the right choices for me, my kids and my wife, so I can stop making things worse and causing myself so much uneeded pain. Thanks for any input.

[bkz]

Oh by the way we spoke on the phone for a while on Thurday night. She said she is happy right now and thinks I am too. She said she does miss our family and that she loves me but is not head over heals in love with me. She said shed like to go see my new councellor with me but im not gonna allow that inless its for reconiliation. She mention our councellor was worried about me and was gonna call to see how I was doing, not sure I believe that? And that the councellor said neither of us should be dating while were going through all this and even if things dont work out we should both wieght at least a year before we date, yeah like im gonna let some councellor decide that for me plus who knows if my wifes just telling me that cause shes concerned i'll find someone else if I start dating?

[TallBrownEyes]

My advice would be to take very good care of yourself AND your kids..let HER worry about HER. I only say this due to going thru this myself..I was blamed for the way the sun shined. I did the counseling thing..I sat and told myself how horrible I was and listened to how he couldn't forgive me for my ways..as to which, I never truly found out what my 'ways' were...and all the while we were in counseling, he also had a 'friend'. A friend that he had had in his life for 2 years and I was none the wiser. So, for 2 years he compared her to me..so of course my 'ways' couldn't be forgiven. Like an idiot, I took him back. Let's put it this way...I am now divorced due to his 2nd affair..

 

He acted like some lunatic..bad health, depression..he was going to kill himself, yet went out and had another affair..I guess he was a glutton for punishment, for if 1 affair changes your life that much and makes you want to kill yourself, you surely wouldn't have another.

 

I guess I'm just saying overall...let her do what she's going to do, simply because as long as that 'friend' is around, not much will change. This jerk is sucking the life right out of her and is accepting her changing and bad health as being okay and to him, more than likely, he attributes that to you. She's caught in a sickness that I don't think any drug will cure.

 

Your kids need you now more than ever...she needs to see her own behavior and actions and until she looks in the mirror and not at you, she'll never see them. I'd put her as far out of my life as possible other than seeing the kids..and I'd even supervise that time. The more you allow her to put you in the center of her problems, the more she's going to see that she can do what she wants, when she wants.

 

Believe and trust me..I've been right where you are now..and I know exactly how you feel. Until I stepped out of it, I couldn't see how much he was ruining me along with himself. Please take care of you and your kids. It's what needed now.

 

Good luck!

[bkz]

Thank you for the advice. Im really trying to back off and take care of me and the kids but its a prosess and im really not very patiant. Actually this whole thing is a prosess and I need to be more patiant with all of it, its just too hard on me worrying and going over everything a thousand times in my head trying to make sense of it. At this point im just not gonna get the explantions I need, mabey I never will. I really just need some me time to get out of town with a freind and relax, but im worried about the kids cause they'll be with her this weekend.

 

Looking back over the last year or so shes had the same type of things going on with her health that are differant than normal. Shes been complaining of chest pains, rapid heart rate (wich I felt), fever or hot flashes, dehidration, stomach problems, she had namonia at Christmas and a serious sinus infection durring that time (shed never had one before that) and high blood pressure wich she allways had REAL low blood pressure. Shes also been bleeding for the last 6 weeks and has a yeast infection. The last 8 months or so shes been bleeding probley half the time for 3-6 weeks at a time, guess theres something up there as well, im surprised she has any energy at all.

See there I go again worrying about HER problems!!!!!! I really need to get off my soap box and start worrying about me. I just cant help but be worried and want to figure out/fix things!

[TallBrownEyes]

Aw, sweetie..I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I really am. Mainly because I've dealt with it too.

 

You mentioned some 'me' time..that would be the greatest thing for you..find some time to get out of the situation..if only for the weekend, take a break.

 

And, I understand how you want to move things along faster..that was me too. We always do when we are in shock and our worlds get overturned in such a way. Not only are you dealing with your wife leaving, you have a 'friend' out there who should be GONE, and your wife's health issues are weighing you down as well. Not to mention your kids..they're alot to worry about as well - to keep them happy and healthy during all of this.

 

Just remember to work on yourself and your emotions so your kids can see that and learn from it.

 

So, have a little fun - you'll see in the long run it will do your own depression some good.

 

Hugs,

[bkz]

LIES LIES LIES!!!! I was at my inlaws for dinner last night and I just cant believe the lies that come out of my wifes mouth!! We found at least 5 things shes lied about to us just in the last week including getting her mom to right her a check for $70 so she could get her hair done. She had her mom make the check out to her then wrote a check out of OUR account to pay for it and cashed the check from her mom. Her sister told her mom that her father said this is the healthiest my wifes ever been, well he lives 5 hours away and her sister lives on the east coast, if only they knew just even about the prescription drugs shes on!!!

 

Shes stopped calling me now, she was calling me alot the first couple of weeks and leaving me messages ect..... but latley nothing. She did invite me to easter with her and the kids at family's but I really need to start setting boundries, mabye it would be a good idea for me not to go? Its real hard cause id like to spend time with her and the kids and show her like I did last Sunday when we hung out that we do have a good time together but at this point im just not sure what the heck to do!!

 

Im having a major bad time with all this at this point, its like im starting my anxiety and pain all over again from when our problems first started 8 months ago and im really tiered of the cycle. I'll tell you all, after all thats happend and all that shes done, the lieing, cheating, taking money, ect..... I still just miss my wife and kids and just wish we could be together. I know I should feel at least a little angry but really im just sad and anxious most the time and feel no hope for us at all, I really think shes made up her mind and just isnt telling me. I was talking with my mother inlaw last night and just cant figure out why shed stay in our marriage if shes so happy like she says she is? All I have to offer her at this point is my insurance benefits, I mean if we divorce she'll get half the money from our home and she'll have a good income and the kids half the time like she does now and she'll also have her freedom so whats keeping her from doing it? Me, her councellor, and her mother have all told her a # of times not to stay married to me just cause shes affraid of hurting me and I actually told her last Sunday some people think id be better of without her and she agreed but still she says shes not "ready" for a divorce she just needs space right now to figure things out on her own. I know I shouldnt believe anything my wife says right now but her actions tell me she has no intention of trying to make our marriage work, at least at this point. Do I need to be more patiant and just let things play out with her? To see if she is doing drugs that mabey she'll bottom out or her physical health will finally catch up with her because of all this? Im really confused as to what I should be doing at this point when it comes to me and her.

 

Somthing im not confused about is the kids. The inlaws and I are keeping a VERY close eye on her and ive been talking to the kids alot when there with me about how they feel and whats going on with them. My daughter (8 YO) wont talk about things so I bought her a journal to write in on Sat. I told her she could right all the fun things she does in the journal and also keep track of her day to day stuff including how shes feeling. I made sure she knew it was for her only to read unless she wanted to share it with someone else, she wrote a couple of pages and drew a picture in it by Sunday and shared it with me and said shed share it with her mom as well. My son (5 YO) told a couple kids at school that me and mom are living appart right now but we'll be living together again in a couple of weeks. Im pretty sure he doesnt have much concept of what a couple of weeks is but im wondering were he got that from, ive told the kids nothing of time frame for us just that daddy loves mommy and them very much and hopes they can be together again. Ive also told them its not my choice to live appart that its moms and that she chose to move out. My mother inlaw thinks shes been tellin the kids that daddies mad at mommy and thats why we cant live together!!!!!! I know my son has asked me if im mad at mom but I wasnt sure why, I told him yes I am a little mad at mom and said do you get mad at sissy when she does certain things you dont like? And do you still love sissy even when you get mad at her? Thats how it is with daddy and mommy getting mad at each other, just cause we get upset with doesnt mean we dont love each other. We havent fought in front of the kids really durring this whole thing, matter a fact we've rarley argued or fought at all the last 8 month so im pretty sure she trying to deflect the blame off herself since she knows I was told by the councellor and others to make sure the kids know this is mommies decition to move out and not mine. But hey just another minipulation for her and through the kids witch isnt the first time for that either.

 

Wish I could figure out how to take better care of myself through this whold thing and stop letting her contol me and my emotions. If I could just step back and disconnect long enough to REALLY figure out whats going on, how I REALLY feel about things and what I REALLY want/need to do. Any help form people whove been through simmalar things would be great!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Bingo!

 

It's the insurance. Seriously. Do you have any idea how much 7 prescriptions would cost?? Migraine medication?? Zomig is like $15.00 a bill or something outrageous like that- my mother in law has had to have it. If she had to pay it without the insurance- I'm assuming you have a prescription card- then she wouldn't be able to afford to pop pills etc.

 

And urinating on herself?? That's someone who has a serious problem. She's either seriously ill or she was seriously smashed on drugs at that time. Normal people do not do that. Also, why would she need birth control B?? What the heck do you think she's doing getting birth control?? I used to have a customer who came in the bank where I worked that was drunk all the time and she'd come in and start peeing on herself in line at the teller counter!

 

Do NOT let her have access to your checking account anymore. Go to the bank and close it and open another one in just your name. Go see an attorney and find out what your rights are.

 

If I were you I'd talk to your inlaws about having her committed. I think between the three of you you could do that. Then seriously make her have a total health evaluation and mental evaluation. Find out what's up with the drugs, the health issues, etc. I personally believe she's lying about alot of that- like the bleeding etc- to get attention but this way you could really find out.

[bkz]

I did see a couple of tampons in her bathroom at her place last week when I was there and I know before she moved out she was bleeding, actually she has been on and off for 6-8 months. The birth control is something shes been struggling with for years. She used to be on the ortho-evera patch but that caused too many problems and then she got on a pill 6 months ago but she would keep forgetting to take it and it would mess her up real bad. The reason for the birth control is because her cycles are sooooo bad they're trying to make it so she only has on every 3 or 4 months plus she has problems with low pagesterone (SP?). The low pagestrone actual was the cause of a misscarage the first time we got pregnant.

 

My mom and step father inlaw say the same things you do about closing the account and that im UNDER reacting to the things that are going on, guess I just cant believe this is all happening? If this was all the case id actually feel better as it would explain things but im just unable without total proof to fully convince myself of the severity of things. At times when she around her her mom says she seems very rational and together, but when I see her shes a mess.

 

Also the Dr she works for has offered her insurance although its not as good as mine so im just not sure thats enough to keep her from divorce? My insurance has a $25 copay on office visits and prescriptions, plus thats what shes using to pay for councelling and I dont want her (nor does anyone) to quit going to councelling. But hey like I said im in total denial about alot of this stuff and mabey im not emotionally healthy enough at this time to really see whats going on?

 

I would think with just the medications shes on if I went to a judge with that I could get the kids away from her or at least supervised visits only due to 5 of the meds saying us caution when driving while taking it?

 

WOW having her commited? My mom and step father inlaw would agree with you that shes heading that way and is in serious trouble. Last night he go real upset with me and my mother inlaw because he doesnt think either of us are being realistic about the extent of her problems and he thinks theres gonna be a real bad ending to this as does my mom.

 

Thanks again for your concern and input, i'll go to the bank today after work and see what I can work out with them on my account and all the checks I have written to it for bills the last couple of weeks.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm concerned about your children, point blank. With all of her issues and medications I would hate for her to freak out and something happen to your children.

 

The thing with these people, B- they are perfect actresses when they want to be. People I'd been friends with for 10 years would have never have guessed my mom was the way she was until they saw it with their own eyes.

 

She convinced one of my friends from Jr. High (I was 20 at the time) that I was lying and making up allegations of sexual abuse.

 

Never underestimate that these people can fool others into thinking they are sane or whatever they want if that person isn't slick or experienced enough to see it.

 

Okay, so the prescription card is $25.00- if she only got ten of those pills it would have been $150.00 and all she had to pay was $25.00?? Even if where she works offers insurance, she might still have to pay the premium and the co pays might be higher.

 

You are under reacting to this whole situation and you're in denial. I know you think she wants to stay married because she loves you and all, and perhaps in her own way she does, but she is keeping her options open at the moment.

[bkz]

Thank you Mz. Pixie you are totally right about what you say.

I just got off the phone with my mom and if I hadnt mentioned it before shes the head of the womans ministry and works full time for the church as a CPA plus has been a councellor for 20+ years. Her best freind is also a Phsycologist so my moms is something I believe in 100%. She tells me the same thing as you and that not only am I underreacting but im in TOTAL denial, as is my mother inlaw. Im also ashamed that ive let myself get so rapped up in OUR problems and I havent put the kids first like I should. Now I do take care of them and have been there for them. This weekend we had a slumber party at a friends house with there kids and all spent the night, we went to Barnes and Nobles for story time, to church and to McDonalds playland plus I read to them and spend alot of time talking and playing with them. BUT.... I really have let my own personal feelings about my wife prevent me from making good decicions and I promise anyone whos reading this and is concerned thats gonna change!!!

 

Thank you all for your honesty, theres alot of good people around here and your imput has been a HUGE help to me. Please continue to post if you have any input on things and i'll continue to update as things go along.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm glad that I'm making a bit of sense to someone anyway, ha.

 

Listen to your mom- she knows you best and knows your wife better than I do. Sometimes those removed from the situation can see better than we can during the ordeals we suffer.

 

Whatever happens with your wife, you need to make sure that your children's needs are a priority at this stressful time for them.

[bkz]

Im definatley listening to my mom, she really does have a pretty good handle on my wife since shes been around her for so many years. Shes allways seen my wife as someone who had huge problems.

 

I made a Dr. appointment for my kids on Monday to get them all phyisicals and im gonna get my son (5 YO) started on karate tonight at the Y, hes been really wanting to do it and my friend son will be going with him so that should be great. I also made up a scheduale for the next month for me and my wifes time with the kids, i'll give it to her tonight when I pick them up. Im am trying to focus completley on the kids at this point like I should have been doing the whole time.

 

So far as im concerned IF she wants to talk with me about us she needs to end her "freindship" with OM. If she wants a divorce than theres no reason for us to talk at all without a mediator or lawers unless its about the kids. Im thinking at this time this is the best way for me to not only detach but set some boundries and make it clear im done with her unless certain things start to happen? Now trust me im not doing this out of manipulation or to try and control her. The last few days ive really started to look at all the lies, deception, puting my kids around this OM and having them lie to me about it, the money gone, all her new little younger freinds, ect...... I mean shes not a good mother and shes a horible wife at this point. Heck I wouldnt even want to be friends with someone like her let alone be married to them!!!!!! Im not saying im giving up on us but im definatley starting to see the other side and even thinking about mabye dating a little, not anything sexual but mabye just a date with someone.

 

She hasnt called me in at least a week or so but yesterday she called and left me a message about giving me some money from her paycheck or something? And then she called last night to have the kids leave a message for me, first time in a couple of weeks shes done that as well. Probley means nothing but its differant from whats been happening. Im pretty sure shes been trying to detach from me and thats probley a good thing, its the only way she'll truely see what things will be like without me in her life.

[Mz. Pixie]

This might be a good idea.

 

But B- I caution you. You're codependent and you need to work on yourself. It is not a good time for you to date.

 

You need to take some time and work on yourself. Then later, when the divorce is final, start to date.

 

You have way too much baggage at this point and it's not fair for anyone else. I know you're lonesome but someone who's codependent hops from one person to another and never learns just to be with themselves.

 

It's okay to make her think you're dating though!

[bkz]

What you say makes sence Mz. Pixie. I definatley need to work on myself but my self asteem at this point is VERY low after all ive been through with my wife.

 

Funny thing is ive never been real insecure or needy at all. My wifes the only woman ive ever love or been in a serious relationship with. Ive allways enjoyed my alone time and almost prefered being alone until she threatend me with divorce 8 months ago, then WHAMM I went into a total tail spin and completely deticated myself to my wife and kids and makeing whatever changes I could to make them happy. Im happy and shes happy with the change as is everyone else around us and I thought id proven to her over the last 4 or 5 months the changes were for good but she still doughts me. I feel my actions are a product of a very complicated, confusing situation and ive become obsessed with it in an unhealthy way. Thats the reason I read the book on codependance and I definatley have some of the charicter traits.

 

Your right about me having to work on myself before I get involved with anyone else if things dont work out with me and my wife, heck I need to work on me even if they do before we get back together! But also yes I am a little lonely at times and would like a bit of companionship I guess.

[Mz. Pixie]

She was happy with the changes you'd made until the other guy came back into the picture.....

 

There can be no reconcilliation until he's out of the picture.

 

Again, I think you should expose him to his employer. Not very family friendly having a man working at the YMCA that is having an adulterous affair.

[TallBrownEyes]

I agree...I wouldn't be dating yet, hon..you have lots to work on. This is your loneliness talking. You have to learn about yourself thru all of this before you can truly give to another.

 

And, I agree..this man needs exposed to the YMCA. How dare someone like that work there..he promotes good family values..well not he, but the YMCA...and he's helping a family fall apart to appease his own sickness?

 

I'd really sit down and things things thru long and hard..if you want to work on you and the kids now...do it. Let her work on herself. Having him in her life is putting a downer on yours..AND the kids'. She has to see her ways before anything can change. To blame you is only prolonging the enevitable...she needs severe help.

 

To this day, my ex tells me that it's my fault for putting him in beds of other women. Yep, I was right there with a knife to his throat. I didn't take it and that's why we're divorced. I refuse to be treated that way.

 

If she's not getting rid of him, then so be it. Let them wallow together in the world they created. Won't last long. When she no longer has you to run to, she's going to hit the panic stage. Good...maybe that will wake her up to have to take care of herself. I'd only have contact with her for the kids and the kids ONLY.

 

Some folks just don't know when they have a good thing staring them right in the face..always looking for more. All that gets you in lonely.

 

Hugs!

[hotgurl]

I would be so worried about the kids. MAybe try to get them fulltime with her having limited visits or supervised.

 

She is on so many drugs, god what if she took a combo and fell asleep while driving, pain killers, ambien, and if she is drinking and useing other drugs she could od easliy.

 

I took a pain killer and ambien at the same time and didn't feel anything so I had a glass of wine 20 minutes later I blacked out and was wandering around the house falling out of bed crawling on the floor. God forbid she does something similar and the kids see it. or have to call 911.

 

I agree about the checking account as well