Resentment Issues

[Mz. Pixie]

B- give us an update if you're around.

[bkz]

Id like to say it went well and I stuck to my guns but.......

I did let her sorta drag me into a long talk on the phone Friday. Then I spent part of the day with her when I picked the kids up on Sat. The kids were sick so I had to leave them with her Friday night. Shes still not will to work on things and only admitting that her "freindship" with OM is inapropriate and she doesnt understand why she cant come to me and has to go to somone else for freindship with a man. She sais she just doesnt feel comfortable talking to me and when im around she has an anxious feeling in her stomach. Id think that feeling is just because of all the crap shes hiding from me? When we do talk and hang out things are great and we talk about things and get along good.

 

She said OM is dating one of her freinds (little freind from work) freinds and that her and him are just freinds and swears thats it. As much as id like to believe her I just cant. She did say on Sat. if we work things out shed definately not stay friends with him or contact him ever again.

 

She really wanted me to go to Easter yesterday with her and the kids so I did. I met her there with the kids at her families house and of course she was a half hour late. She came streight from werever she spent the night at (not at home) and she was wearing the same thing (including the same underwear) that she had on the previous day plus she looked like a mess. She Had a headache when she got there and fell asleep on the couch for an hour or so. I got a call half way through the day on my cell and took the call in the other room the came out and started playing with my son on the floor. I left my phone there and went out back. When I got back the phone was gone and so was she, my daughter said mommy took your phone and left. I looked and she was out in her car with it. When she came back in I asked for it back and it was in her pocket. Friday night my freinds wifes phone went dead when we were out and she used my phone to call and text a freind of hers in the bay aria so my wife saw all of that and ask if I was dating this person and of course I said no. She didnt belive me and got REAL PISSED and decided to leave. Luckily I was able to sit her down and explain to her what was going on and she stayed but said she was super pissed and hurt when she say the stuff on the phone and didnt understand why she was so upset. She also said, see how it feels to be snooped on? I told her it was good for her to snoop if she needed to and she was welcome to come home and look at the computer or whatever she wants, I have nothing to hide. When I left with the kids she tried to kiss me on the cheak and kept telling me yesterday how good I looked. We also made plans to go on a housboat trip with family together next month, I guess thats good.

 

Last night I had the kids. I went by her place at 2am then by the place she says shes been staying at. She wasnt at either place. I asked her this morning when I dropped of the kids if she stayed at home last night, she said yes. I told her I went by there and I new she was lying to witch she said that she was lying that she was at her freinds, I know this isnt true as I checked there as well. I asked why she felt like she needed to continue to lye to me and she said she didnt know why. Her eye was completely closed from a migrane this morning and she said she was going to go to the doctor. I also told her she looked like crap and we are all concerned about her and how much wieght shes lost. She asked if I was accusing her of doing drugs and I said no I never mentioned drugs but shes that I was concerned about her health period. I also told her to come home and go to councelling with me but she just doesnt answer at all when I say that. She says shes lonely and hates were she lives and just cant be there without the kids.

 

Shes completely screwed up and she on Sat. she also accused both her step sisters of being on crank. She said when they came in to get there teeth worked on last week they both had drug use signs and they also looked like they were on drugs. Well they both go to school full time have NO money, my inlaws pay for there school, food and gas and they both assured me they havent been doing drugs when I asked them yesterday. They think shes just trying to deflect attention from herself.

 

Anyways im at the point were im just gonna try and be around her and the kids and build some good memory's with her and keep as close to them all as possible so I can watch out for whats going on. With her if I continue to push her away then my marriage will be over cause thats were she'll go, away. I want the to be a chance and the healthyest thing for all of us is to have me around and try to keep working on us. She is still talking about working things out with me but just isnt at that point and says she feels like im pressureing her. Shes waaaaaaayyyyyy messed up and I just wish I new for sure what was going on with her and what was causing what!!!!!

 

Im doing really pretty good and keeping myself and the kids very buisy. I have them again tonight and she'll be going to her dads this weekend so i'll have them Friday- Monday as well.

[bkz]

Oh forgot to mention. She says she misses me and when we talk on the phone she misses me but when im around her she has that feeling in her stomach and just isnt comfotable, yet she allways seems to want me around and doesnt seem uncomfortable to me but oh well thats what she SAYS.

 

Also, I started wearing my wedding ring on my finger again Sat. before I went over there. She asked why and I was honest with her.

 

I went out with freinds Friday night and a couple of girls were on me a bit but one in particular kept dancing with me and actually hinted about a ride home. I told her this made me extreamly uncomfortable and im not ready for girls to be hitting on me or to be in the possition for people to think im single, so I put my ring back on. I told her shes the only one I want and im not ready to give up on us yet, that other girls will allways be available to me but its just not what I want right now.

 

I really mean this and I know ive talked to you all about dating but it was for selfish reasons and im just so far from that point and from wanting to give up on my marriage. I still feel theres hope and until the divorce papers are signed im gonna continue to conduct myself as a married man whos commited to his family. I truely do love my wife and children and want whats best for us all. She could file tomarrow and it'll be over, who knows, and i'll be fine if she does and im sure theres enough anger and resentment for what shes done/doing i'll move on fairly easely. If we were to work things out then those issues along with trust will obviously need to be delt with but until that point im gonna just concentrate on trying to give us a chance to reconcile.

 

Thanks again for the support and input and please continue to give advice if possible, I could sure use it.

[Mz. Pixie]

B- nothing has changed. You're still meeting her EN's and she's still eating cake. She wants to have the security of having you there should things with OM not work out.

 

She's lying about him dating her friend- they always say stuff like that.

 

She's deflecting about the drug use.

 

How do you know she had on the same panties as the night before?

 

Basically you said all that stuff to her before and then backed down, so she knows you're not serious.

 

I hate to hear that you weren't able to stand firm with her...............

[bkz]

I was pretty sure youd be dissapointed and I am as well but I just cant seem to get myself were I need to be to do that.

 

I know about the panties because shes lost so much wight her pant dont stay up and everytime she turns her back you can see her panties. Trust me there the same ones as the day before and her hair was a mess as were her fingernails, im sure she hadnt taken a shower. Then this morning when she got changed at work she noticed she was bleeding again, this I saw as well.

 

I also feel if right now im able to be around her and the kids and if I was to distance myself from her I wouldnt, then id be worrried even more because I wouldnt know whats going on. This just sucks and im really not sure now how I can go back and fix it. Like you said, shes definately not gonna take me seriously now.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't mean to be so harsh B. I just hate it because you were doing so well before.

 

Has she gone to the dr? Is there anyway that you could go with her??

[bkz]

Your not harsh and im just as dissapointed as you trust me. I just keep thinking somethings gonna happen or shes gonna bottom out or see the light, I dont know I just dont think she can continue on like this. My grandmother inlaw and I talked this morning. She also told my wife yesterday that she looked like crap. My wife told her she knows shes lost alot of wieght and is trying to put some back on, yeah whatever I mean she doesnt even look like herself and everyone around can see it, she not pretty like she used to be, now she just looks like one of those malnutrioned runway modles that hasnt eaten in weeks, YUCK!!!!.

 

I dont know if shes gone to the doctor or not. I tried calling her cell and her work but they're out to lunch and shes not calling me back. I have a tooth that need to be looked at thats why im trying to get ahold of her but after this morning im pretty sure shes gonna try and avoid me. Im picking the kids up from her work when I get off so i'll see her then. Asking if I can go to the doctor with her? Im pretty sure I know what the answer would be, even though its my insurance and we have the same doctor.

[bkz]

Well alot is happening.

Last night I talked to my w for a while and she is completely gone. At this point im sure she wants to end the marriage and im pretty sure its probley mostly because of OM and how much ive found out and how much otheres are starting to see?

 

She told her two step sisters shes affraid to stay at her house alone because shes affraid i'll do somthing to her. When I talk to her she sais nothing like that and continues to bring up the fact that she cant believe me or anyone would think shes doing drugs just cause shes lost a bunch of wieght. I havent once accused her of doing drugs. She sais shes lost wieght because of all the stress shes under with us. She says me and her mom are the only ones in her life that make her feel unstable and her councellor has told her she needs to elliminate us to make herself happy, that shes tried for too long now to make us happy and its time to do for herself.

 

Shes like a differant person somtimes when I look at her the last month. Theres a couple people close to us who think shes doing drugs no dought and there some of us that go back and forth, sometimes she just seems to make so much sence when shes talking to you and seems so focused and other times shes just so differant. She has been working alot and me and her step sisters have been in to have work done the last couple of days and she really seems to do great at work even with the massive headaches shes been having the last few days. I just wish I new what to do? I dont want to loose my wife like this and I really think shes in love with this OM and will do anything to get me out to be with him at this point but dont know what to do about it. At the end of our talk last night (we talked for and hour or so) she said shed go councelling with her DR with me. When we talked I mostly told her how I feel about things and how I want her to come clean and try to make things work, to do the right thing and not give up on us because things are so bad right now, I told her I still believe we can work it out. If I do end up going into concelling with her (this is the same councellor we've been seing for 8 months) what should I bring up? Should I just flat out tell Dr that I know my wifes in love with OM and tell her about the phone calls, the not staying at home when I have the kids and all the lies? I mean what are the chances this Dr doesnt see whats going on with my wife? She has to see the same things we all see with how she looks right? I made an appointment to go on my own to the councellor on Thursday morning to talk with her about this stuff. Is that a good idea or will it just be a waste of time ot go to her on my own?

 

I really need some advice on what to do im at the end of my rope with this and im sure so is she. My best freind told me last night he used to pray for us to work things out but now is praying we dont. Everyone think im a totaly idiot for even wanting to have anything to do with her and are just totally frunstrated with me even trying.

 

I did get another hair sample off her brush yesterday so mabye this time I should go ahead and get it tested? My freind who is convinced shes on drugs says I should just call CPS when the kids are with me and tell them of my concerns and why, this just seems like a bad idea to me. Last night one of her step sisters told me something that was really kinda scary. She mentiond if my wife isnt doing drugs and is acting this way thats way more troubleing to us than if she is, I guess thats true but wouldnt this councellor allready have said or done somthing? I haven seen the coucellor in a few weeks and last time I talked with her she was backing off the diagnosing my wife with a mental illness thing a bit and saying shes not sure thats the problem with her.

 

ANY INPUT OR ADVICE APPRITIATED. Im guess we're at the end and I want to do anything I can to try and give us another chance. Am I really totally nuts? I mean I should really want her out of my life at this point and want to move on shouldnt I, and if so why dont I? Do I need to just move on and let it go? Why am I letting this hurt me and cause me so much grief at this point when I should want this woman out of my life? Is it still be worth fighting for at this point or is she just too far gone? I wish I new if it was just OM and I need to give her space for a while to let it pass or if I need to just go after it and not give in on what shes doing? No matter what I need to stop talking to her family and should have along time ago. I know theres lots of ?'s ive asked her but I just really need asnwers to some things that im not sure what to do about, esspesially the councellor things and how I should be reacting to what my wife doing right now.

 

Oh and no I havent had a chance to get ot an Alanon meeting if anyones wondering. I have school tonight but dont have the kids till friday so i'll be going FOR SURE on Wed night.

[Mz. Pixie]

Let me tell you B. A drug addict or alcoholic can be high functioning at times. I know. My father is an alcoholic (sober for 30 years) and he worked for WEEKS at a time and he cannot recall a single moment. He was in a blackout. He worked, drove a service truck, and was a key employee where he worked. He literally lost weeks of his life at a time. Sometimes it catches up with them, but alot of times, they do it away from work, on their off time or if they do it at work they don't get caught.

 

Is there anyway that the dentist she works for could make her do mandatory drug testing?? Employers have that right you know.

 

Your wife is thriving on all the attention she is getting from everyone. She's turning around the issue and making it you when she talks to everyone else. She's afraid of you. Whatever. Let me tell you, there is a guy who posts on marriagebuilders- His screen name is GoodFather and he just got thrown out of his house for a bogus domestic violence report his cheating wife filed against him. Be very careful with this situation B. She's making excuses for her behavior. She's under all this stress because of "us"?? These issues are HERS and HERS alone. She is causing all of this with her relationship with OM. You have to question yourself at this point, why would he even want her with all the weight loss if she wasn't doing drugs with him?

 

I for one do not believe that the therapist told her that she needs to separate herself from you and that everything is your fault. I believe that she is again trying to turn the focus away from herself. She might could fool a therapist though, because women with BPD are good actresses.

 

I would see the therapist with her but I would ask for a few minutes alone to share your concerns with her before the session. See what you wife does then. If she freaks out, you know she's been lying. I would explain to the therapist that your wife has been having an affair, the weight loss, the odd behavior and the fact that previously you were told she could have BPD. Don't get all long winded on her- just say these are the facts, I'm trying to save my family and I'm very concerned about my wifes mental status.

 

B- I think what you want is for her to wake up and see what she's doing and want to change things. That's wonderful and everything B, but I believe you need to face the fact that that might not happen. You need to take some control back and let her know you're not going to tolerate it and wait around to see if she wants you or not. She either does or she doesn't. You can't control that. The chances of her waking up without you doing something to force her hand I would say are slim. For one, she's addicted to OM, and then with the possibility of drug abuse? Well, her addiction to drugs would need to be focused on first. To me, her paranoia at thinking everyone says she's on drugs because she lost weight is a way to try and deflect that attention. I lost about 45lbs a couple of years ago and some coworkers said behind my back I was taking diet pills to lose weight. I wasn't- but let me tell ya- it didn't bother me one bit that they were saying it because I knew it wasn't true!

 

I suggest you go read Good Father's post at marriagebuilders to see what happened to him and to be very wary with your interactions with your wife if she's telling people she's afraid of you. My heart literally breaks for you B- you're in my prayers.

[hotgurl]

the counselor can't force you wife to do anything. Unless she has tried to kill herself all they can do in guide the paitent the rest is uo to you wife. Whether she does what is suggested. She may not be ready to see how messed up she is.

 

As for you I think counseling would be good. You need to find out why you are holding on so hard. Holding on to something tht doesn't even exsist anymore. Your wife is not the woman you married she has changed maybe for good and your marriage is not what you thought it was.

 

I agree with Mz. Pixie you need to go NC exept when dealing with the kids or this will destroy you.

[bkz]

Mz. P, this is the same councellor that started to diegnose my wife with BPD and my wife has been seing her once a week still. I switched councellors a month ago and am going to a christian councellor now who I like very much. Seing as this councellor knows my wife and I very well I would think we could just talk about things out in the open? Everyone including the councellor allways says they get two COMPLETELY differant stories from me and my wife, so why not go see her together and get the real story? We havent gone to the councellor together since before Christmas.

 

Not sure id get any help from her dentist? Hes sorta got a MAJOR thing for her and ive been made out to be the bad guy with everyone she works with at this point so far as I can tell.

 

Your right I am waiting for my wife to wake up and keep thinking she will or something will happen that will cause it. She isnt the same person she was and its been about a year that we have ALL noticed a differance.

 

hotgurl, I know im holding on hard and I guess its just because I am still seing us having hope to make our marriage and family what it has the potential to be. It isnt and hasnt been that for a while but I keep thinking it could be, guess im just fooling myself and I do need to let go but its just been real hard at times to do the right thing. Sometimes I feel real strong and other times im in panic/anxiet mode. Im also real lonely at times when the kids arent with me, I dont stay at freinds houses and I dont have people stay here. Ive been with her for 12 years and have never thought about being alone, its much harder than I could have emagined I guess.

 

I will check out goodfathers post on marriagebuilders.

My wifes family all knows what a good father I am and they all know I dont have it in me to do anything to her. Heck even she knows I have OM phone #, I know where he works and I know were his parent live and like I told her last night, have I tried to get ahold of him? Or go see him at work? If I was gonna do somthing wouldnt I have done it? Heck I was face to face with the dude for an hour less than two months ago and I was totally civil in an hour long conversation with him.

[Mz. Pixie]

If this is the same counselor I'm just thinking she might say something she wouldn't say in front of you wife if the two of you were alone.

[bkz]

Oh I see what your saying. I have an appointment with her on my own Thursday morning, should I go and talk with her? If so what should I say?

 

I'll know on Friday if my wifes been on drugs and exactly what and how much for sure.

 

Oh and hotgurl, my wife is definatley not ready to see how messed up she is. In her mind she thinks everyone who doesnt see things her way is messed up, shes kinda allways been that way but its MUCH worse now. I think shes basically just telling the councellor the same things shes telling everyone else, just what she wants them to know and thats it!!! No one but her, her little freinds and OM know what shes really up to for sure and I guarantee shes got them all thinking im a piece of s#$t at this point.

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh wow, so you turned the hair in for a drug test?? WOW! Way to get some answers!

 

I think you should just say- my wife has been having an affair for ________ months now with __________, I know it but she won't admit it. We're separated and she tells me that it's because she needs to be away from me, but yet she claims stress from us being separated. She doesn't want to divorce but enjoys the life as it is, yet she still calls on me for some emotional/financial support. I believe she is using drugs- because of her appearance, losing weight, not taking care of herself etc. She's also complaining about urinating on herself and that she's bled for weeks yet she hasn't seen a doctor- when she sees doctors for everything else. You discussed with me the possibility that my wife may be BPD. I'd like to get your take on this situation. I want to save my marriage, and I would appreciate your working with me on that issue. I'm also concerned about her mental issues and drug use as it relates to my children and their safety.

 

Don't ramble on and on- but keep the facts simple and to the point. It would be interesting if you could outline the drugs you know your wife is taking- her issues with ambien, etc.

 

Did the lab that you sent the test to say they could specifically test it for certain drugs such as meth???

[bkz]

Yeah Mz. P I finally did take it in. I actually got a sample yesterday off her brush and decided I was tired of wondering and of course EVERYONE, even those close to the sitchuation have been suspisious for too long now. I guess im at the point were I need to know either way.

 

If it comes back possitive it'll sure explain alot about things, like were the woman I used to know went. I mean I can understand someone wanting a divorce and all but my wife was the most caring, loveing, big hearted person you would ever meet before a year ago. Even in when she first talked about a divorce 8 months ago it was tearing her up, then everthing started going real good for us and she was telling me how much she loved me and how shed never leave me, how she couldnt belive she almost gave up on us and blew everything. Then BAM!!!! She got namonia at Christmas and by Jan/Feb she was acting like a differant person. She has showed NO remorse or sympathy for ANYONE being hurt in this hole thing not even the kids. She continues to say there fine and she shouldnt feel guilty about anything shes doing, she just needs to make sure SHES happy. Shes never once addmitted any real wrong doing in this and has never said sorry to anyone about all this happening. Its just not like her to act like this. Yeah it could be partly the OM and some health issuse or mental stuff but still shes really allways had that stuff even OM for the last 2 years. I just really think it has to be drugs? If not than mabye I should be even more concerned about her and her actions? This person is just not her at all and even as much in denial as ive been and still am about stuff I can see theres something serious thats happend/happening with her.

 

Guess we'll see Friday. And yes they said they'll be able to specify whatever shes been on in the last 90 days and how much. They did say it wouldnt do me any good in a coure of law and that actually its kinda eleagal what im doing but if it comes back possitive at least I can come up with a plan from there. If its negative then I guess im not sure what to think?

 

Im gonna cancel the appointment with the councellor and rescedual after I get the results so at least I know what im dealing with when I see her.

[Mz. Pixie]

All of the actions that you described match perfectly someone involved in the addiction of the affair as well.

 

I too was only worried about my happiness, for a bit. Then what you've done sets in and the remorse eats you up.

 

Let us know what the results are.

[bkz]

When you say the remorse sets in whats that like? What started happening to the way you felt? And how long did it take for you to start to have any remorse for what you were doing?

 

Also at this point whats the best thing for me to be doing so far as she goes? Should I just completely block her out except for the kids? I know you all have told me to do that in the past and I havent listened. But with your experiance having been were she may be at right now so far as the affair is concerned what would have been the best thing your husband could have done to give things a chance in the long run durring that time?

 

Thing is im wondering if thats what happens then is there any chance she realize what shes doing to our family and want to mabye work on our marriage eventually? Or is that just more false hope on my part?

 

I'll definatley let you know when I get the results.

[bkz]

Last night she had the kids and I was alone but did well. Today has been VERY difficult for me, I just feel my life slipping away and im not doing real well. Shes got a cpr class tonight and im supposed to get the kids from her. She mentioned me hanging at her place with them till she gets home so she can have them and take them to school in the morning since she'll be gone at her dads this weekend.

 

I have to admit. Hanging with the kids at her place so they can stay the night there instead of with me doesnt sound bad, just because then I know she wont be with him tonight. Kinda lame and kinda sad I guess huh?

 

And why is it that my friends and others around us are so convinced that shes definately on drugs and I keep thinking the test will come back negative? I mean I just cant keep myself convinced and think her actions are mostly because of the affair. The I think about the wieght loss and the urinating her pants, the meds for nazal, sinus and throat problems she never had before and she allways sounds stuffed up. Plus her loosing her voice over night a couple of weeks ago, along with the new freinds and such, plus the parinoia and being defensive whenever someone mentions how she looks. It really does add up but I guess I just need to chill and not think about the results till Friday.

[Mz. Pixie]

I still think B that as long as OM is in the picture she's not going to allow you to meet her needs or reconcile............

 

I didn't look back and have remorse until after my marriage ended. Because my fling was only a two time deal, and I didn't leave my husband for the OM. I left him because he was unwilling to change his ways, after my repeated begging and pleading with him to try- go to counseling etc. The affair was mainly a symptom of what was wrong in the marriage already and was a wake up call for me. I knew deep down in my gut that I had to get out if I waS stooping that low. I would say it took a full year after my fling for me to think straight. I wasn't the same person. All I cared about was myself. JUST LIKE YOUR WIFE.

 

My exhusband had killed my emotion for him by not responding to my earlier pleas. Hopefully that's not the case for you.

 

Even though I didn't feel for him, I still have remorse for ending the marriage. Even though I'm remarried and happy. It's wierd. We were married 13 years and he was my best friend but at the end we were no more than roommates.

 

I think the problem is partly drugs/partly OM. I hope she wakes up before it's too late.

 

The remorse for me was that I was crying alot and saying how horrible I was. I lost some weight. I was really upset over the fact that my seeking relationship fufillment had hurt my children. There was alot of agonizing over the whole thing after the fact- like- who was that person. I feel terrible about the way I treated him during that time- but I felt like he didn't love me and that is why I began the fling to begin with. I had alot more to overcome than your wife though. First of all, everyone that had been my friend turned their backs on me in two seconds. I had no family where I lived and my exhusbands family hated me when they had loved me before. My pastor was on my case. When I moved it was so pathetic that coworkers helped me. I lost my best friend of almost eleven years over the divorce. I basically had no one.

 

When I met the guy that is now my H I was still feeling guilty- I probably always will to a certain extent. He knows it's not so much that I still love my ex and want him but more over my actions and the hurt I've caused. I promise you, there is not a person in the world who would have listened to my whining the way he has. HA.

[bkz]

Thanks Mz. P, I bought the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley today. I know alot of people would say im nuts but im just not willing to totally give up yet, no matter what the results of the test are on Friday. I know I need to disconnect but........

 

Im affraid if I do i'll end up VERY angry and not want to go back to her. Everyone tells me they dont understand why id want to be with someone whos treated me the way she has and I guess im starting to really agree with them at times and see it. If I think about who shes become at this point and how shes handled the situation, espessially with the kids involved it kinda does piss me off. I mean to think she says the kids are and will be fine and she just needs to get rid of the people in her life that make her feel emotionally unstable (me and her mom) and the kids will be fine cause she can be a better mother. It means nothing to her that two of our kids allready came from a broken home and have finally settled in and doing awsome!!! I mean my youngest son is special needs and his teachers are just amazed at how great he's doing the last year. They say hes caught up enough to do kindergarden part time next year, waaaaayyyy ahead of what they hoped hed be at this point from what he was when we got him. If she cant even see what its gonna do to these kids and still justifies her decision to addopt knowing full well a year ago she wasnt happy then how can she possibly see anything else thats being dammaged by her actions?

 

Im just so tiered of trying to convince her of all this. On monday night we had an hour talk and this was something I brought up, that and the fact that no one wants to see us get a divorce they rather see us work on our marriage and try to be happy together. Shes only taking the easy way out at this point without trying to make it work. By the end of our conversation she did say shed go to councelling together but hasnt mentioned it the last couple days, guess we'll see.

[hotgurl]

B,

you can't convince her or make her suddenly realize what she is doing and change. Only she can do that. But to do that she has to take responsibilty for her actions and hse is not ready for that.

 

Also what I think you need to uderstand is that even if you two reconcile she is a different person from the one you married and she will most likley never be that person again. You marriage won't go back to the way it was before. It will always be different.

 

and there is a good chance that she is not coming back at all. I don't mean to be mean but it seems like your at little detached from reality and have this fanatast that she is suddenly going to wake up come back and every thing will be the way it was.

 

i do think going to therapy and reading the book is a good step for you. I am also curios what the drug test results will be.

[bkz]

Mabye someone needs to talk me down. Im seriously concidering calling OM and talking to him. I have his # and im just really wanting to call. When we spoke a couple months ago he told me his wife had 2 affairs on him and he wanted to make it work and she didnt. He also told me he didnt see how things could work out with me and my wife, this of course was before I thought anything but a freindship with them was going on. Whats the right thing to do? HELP

[Mz. Pixie]

I know alot of people do not advocate calling the OP. It may not get you anywhere but at least I would call him and let him know I wasn't giving up without a fight. Tell him to quit seeing your wife or you'll tell everyone he knows- including his employer.

 

Do not listen to him however if he tries to tell you that nothing is going on between them- we know different.

 

I know you're angry at him and rightly so. Just don't forget that it's your wife who really had the responsibility to you. She took the vows to you and promised to be faithful, he didn't. I don't want you to take all of your anger out on him, when he wasn't 100 percent responsible.

[bkz]

Thanks Mz. P and actually for some reason im really not angry with him, heck I have a hard time even getting angry with my wife!! I wasnt gonna call and make a bunch of accusations just basically say whats up and why is it nessisary to call my wife 5 times a day? You know shes married and has kids, you also know the situation with our kids and you've known we've had problems for a while now. Then let him know im not giving up on us and wont. Anything else I should say? Hows that sound? Thanks!!!!!!

 

Oh btw my mom told me it wouldnt solve anything to call him only show that I was being week, but thats why I need more opinions.

[bkz]

hotgurl, thanks for your input.

I also think im a little detached from reality at times right now. What I need to do is detach from her!!!!! Im just not able to get to that point yet but im sure I will.

 

I know I cant convince her but of course I continue at times to try. I guess since shes making no sence with what shes doing I feel the need to make sence of thing by explaining things for her, too bad im only explaining things to her the way I see them not her.

 

I know theres a real good chance she wont come back to me and I also know she may never be the same person she once was, but im still wanting to give it another try if she does come back. Plus I dont want our old marriage back, I want something with her and the kids way better than that and for some reason I can still see the potential for it to happen. I do know chances are it wont and i'll have to move on, but move on knowing I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work with no regrets in that respect. I'll allways be able to look at my kids and know I didnt give up on us being a family and hopefully they'll respect me for that.

 

Again thank you for your input, its much appritiated!!