Resentment Issues

[bkz]

I feel prepared to deal with things in reconciliation in the healthies way possible, which can only happen if im 100% there for my marriage and family and I cant be if I contact OW so it WONT happen.

 

I think everyone whos fallowed my thread at all realizes how much I love my wife and want to make things work. Although im at a place now were im better with ME than ive ever been im still extreamly hopeful things will work out with us and its of course the happy ever after that will benefit everyone involved the most, if thats possible.

 

I never would have thought a couple of weeks ago id be in the possition im in now and Ive never been in a better place emotionally. Because of all the crap ive dealt with the last year ive really grown and understand myself and what im capable of and im much stronger than I ever could have emagined. As you all can probley tell im realy happy with the direction im going in at this point no matter what happens in my marriage because I finally steped up and took control of my life, no ones gonna bring me down to were I was again.

 

If I dont see my wife taking some steps to truely get herself heading in a direction to get where im convinced she can be in a healthy relationship for me and the kids im done. Im looking at giving it a couple of weeks to see real remorse and the will to make things right and withing a month or two MAX I need to be SURE shes in it for the long haul. I wont compromise and risk puting myself or my kids through this crap again.

 

Thanks again for all the help everyone. I'll continue to update.

[Ladyjane14]

If I dont see my wife taking some steps to truely get herself heading in a direction to get where im convinced she can be in a healthy relationship for me and the kids im done. Im looking at giving it a couple of weeks to see real remorse and the will to make things right and withing a month or two MAX I need to be SURE shes in it for the long haul. I wont compromise and risk puting myself or my kids through this crap again.

 

You're making great progress, BKZ. Good news.

 

I wonder if you really need to put a time-table on it though in terms of expectations on your wife's level of remorse. The trap there is that it's so much a matter of perspective.

 

You can't feel her feelings, you can only observe. So if she doesn't look or sound sorry enough, you might believe that she's not sorry at all. Could be that she's VERY repentant and just dreadful at admitting it. And it could be that she's not at all repentant, but might eventually get there on her own schedule.

[bkz]

I here ya LJ and your right. I just am having a hard time taking her seriously at this point and NEED to see genuine change or in that direction before I will. I guess puting a time limit on stuff like this may not be the best thing. I just dont want it to drag on, mostly for the kids sakes, ive been patiant and waited for a long time and continue to do so but not if its causing damage to them.

 

I guess just that shes showing remorse, crying and admiting shes handled things poorly is a real possitive sign at this point. Her also appologising means alot to me in that shes finally taking some responsibility for her actions, somthing she hasnt done to this point.

 

Forgot to mention. Last night on the phone she told me OM broke the lawn mower when he was over there and she was mad about that and the fact that he left a bunch of beer cans there as well so she knows I wasnt bs'ing about him being drunk. She continues to appologise for the things he said to me and puting me in the possision to have to see him at all. She said she doesnt plan on ever speaking to him again and that shes affraid he may try and persue her but she'll have nothing to do with him. She also mentioned she missjudged him and hes not at all who she thought he was, something I allready new of course. At the end of our conversation I reminded her this is something that has bother and hurt me very much and its only because of poor choices shes made that I was put in the possition to have to deal with all this with him. She thanked me for allowing her to vent and being there for her. Somthing im pleased with cause her trusting in me as a freind and someone she can come to is probely the biggest thing in healing our marriage at this point. If she felt before she could come to me as a freind I dont belive she would have ever gone to OM for these needs to begin with, so a good sign for me I think.

 

I'll have the kids tonight while she gets her hair done. She wanted to bring dinner by afterwords when she picks them up from my place and I said that would be fine, we'll see how it goes.

[DesperateDad]

It sounds like you're really making progress, bkz. Good work!

[Mz. Pixie]

I was only saying for him to set a time limit so that they would have a goal of when she will be back home and in MC. I really think it's extremely hard for him to meet her EN's when she is living in a separate place!

[bkz]

M80, sorry I just noticed your post thats why I didnt respond to what you said. Thanks for sharing your experiance, its EXACTLY what im affraid will happen to me and the kids if I allow her back without knowing for sure shes doing it for the right reasons. Im keeping the door open with her but not letting her back in at this point. I told her last night if shes not sure she wants to work on our marriage 100% than she should file for divorce. I also told her if she waiver and doesnt make a dessision I wont wait i'll file myself. I know a time limit may not be best right now but I wont allow her to fiddle around with this and continue to drag my kids along with her, this WILL end or begin NOW, up to her to make the choice soon or I will.

 

Thing is shes been telling me this OM isnt at all what she thought he was and shes told him she doesnt want to talk to him ever again, we'll see. Shes still wearing her wedding ring so thats good, although she could just be doing it because she knows how much it means to me? Who knows, just she hasnt worn it in 2 months until monday.

 

She had a horribley rough day yesterday with the kids at work and was a mess when she picked them up last night. She said she cant have them there anymore and we need to get afterschool care if im gonna insist on 50/50 custody cause she'll have to work full time. I said so you want a divorce then? She said she doesnt know since I told her I wouldnt go to marriage councelling she figured we couldnt work things out. I said I told her I WOULD go to marriage councelling just not yet, that I needed to him alone this week. She also mentioned I didnt treat her right at the soccer game and it upset her, WHAT!!!!!???? I told her I said id go on a date with her and from my perspective I was being very nice to her. I finaly said I had to go and she should really concider getting a divorce right away and I hung up.

 

Unbelievable!! After what shes put me through and what I had to deal with on Sunday seing OM and shes gonna say I did somthing wrong at the soccer game on Tuesday? Heck she called me Wed and vented to me about all the crap thats going on and calle twice and left me appology messages since then!!!

 

Guess shes upset im not bending over backwards and running to her with open arms professing my love for her trying to work things out? Shes a total mess and looks like shes not handling anything well espessially the kids, shes really letting them get to her and seems extreamly frustrated with whats going on with them.

 

This morning I picked up one of my boys before work and fixed the lawnmower that OM broke so she could mow today. She was VERY nice and was wearing her wedding ring as well. She got a new bed and said she would no longer spend the night anyware else. Shes still wanting to come over this weekend and work on the house with me but we'll see.

 

Im really needing to keep her at a distance a bit and maintain my boundries but I dont want to push her away while doing it. What do you all recomend that I do? Obviously im a bit hesitant to jump back in and realize that would probley be a mistake but I do also want us to have a chance to make things work. I was my councelor yesterday and he said to just be patiant and take it slow. He said to wait till my heart tells me its ok to let her in a bit and to be true to myself when/if I do. He also said if I want her to come to councelling next Thursday it would be fine but wieght till Monday or Tuesday to let her know so I can see how things will progress till then. What do you all think? Some guidence would be greatly appritiated.

[Mz. Pixie]

Any weekend update?

[M80]

Honestly? It sounds to me like she's stepping into a reconciliation with you all the while putting the blame on you..you didn't treat her right at a soccer game, yet she can have sex with another man and that's ok?

 

I think she's not wanting to talk to the other man due to him stepping back..again, my .02, but it sure sounds that way to me. She can't be alone, so she's willing to come home. You have to really question yourself here...why was she not willing to come home before your talk with him? Why was she not willing to reconcile while she was out buying the sex toys and such? Because it was great..a fantasy to her and him, I'm sure. It was enough for her to turn her back on her family. How long will it be before she needs that feeling again? It died out with this guy, supposedly...she's unhappy for some reason..she needs to find out NOW what that is.

 

And, she's threatening divorce because you won't go to marriage counseling right now with her when you've been begging for far too long? She needs deep and intense psychotherapy to figure out what is going on with her all alone before she can even begin to give in a marriage. I'm sorry, but no one behaving and functioning normally walks away from their family in this way, acts the way she has, and puts the blame on you like I've seen in these posts.

 

She has a duty to you as your wife to say 'hey, I'm not happy..I need to move on' - and to your kids as well. She has no right..and it's emotionally damning...to drag you and the kids thru this BS. I just don't believe an entire family should suffer over 1 person's inability to function normally. This is not about you..I hope you realize that..her affair is not about you. Something within her is off and until she realizes that and seeks help ASAP..she's just going to fall right back into the same pattern. Meaning, she either admits she cannot stop this behavior and does wish for a divorce to give you the fairness you deserve..or she faces it head on, discovers herself once again, digs deep to heal what's hurting her and faces the demons that plaugue her so she doesn't repeat this behavior.

 

I'm someone that doesn't believe that once everyone person cheats, they will automatically do it again. I believe it's how you deal with it..how you go from there..you realize your mistake, forgive yourself and then prove to your spouse, family...everyone involved that you are taking every step possible to move forward and live right.

 

Of course you're not going to run after her with open arms..she's hurt you way beyond a level that most people would have divorced for long ago. She had better wake up and see what she has before her before she loses it all. And, if she does, it will only be her fault, for I have read over your posts and you have went WAY beyond the call of duty to save your marriage. It's okay now to be a little selfish in what you want...this is about what you want now..what you feel you are willing to live with years to come. She's been as selfish as selfish comes, so if you want to talk to a counselor for a while by yourself..do it. You both need individual counseling in order to deal with this..you have alot of work ahead of you if you do reconcile and you both need the strength to get thru it.

 

Good thoughts to you.

[bkz]

Well Mz P,

I guess her and OM must have made up.

 

Starting last Monday she wanted marriage councelling, telling me how good I looked, wearing her wedding ring, calling and leaving messages and talking on the phone about how sorry she was and how she wouldnt blame me if I hated her and never wanted to see her again, bringing me groceries, what a looser OM was and how he wasnt at all what she thought he was blahblahblah. As of last night she has no interest in going to councelling or working on the marriage and is back to blaming me for the last 10 years not being a good husband and the reason she doesnt want to work on things right now. Shes trying to defend her actions the by saying she didnt realize she was sending me mixed signals, yeah those were really mixed signals huh?

 

I called OM # on and as of last monday it was disconnected so im pretty sure he was the one threatning to end things and after my conversation with him who could blame him. I actually went down to the police station and since its public record I checked and he did get a DUI last Sunday after I saw him.

 

I told her I know whats going on with her and OM and have for a while, plus I reminded her the drunk dumass TOLD me whats going on when we spoke Sunday, what a FOOL!!!!! Then again so am I for allowing her to pull me back in. I was ?ing her being genuine but I have to admit I was getting pretty hopefull she was really wanting to work on things.

 

From her im not sure what to do? I did tell her last night that I still love her but what shes done has hurt me deaply and will eventually hurt everyone involved espessially the kids if she doesnt do something to correct it. They will eventually know what happend and she'll have to live with that, ive done everything I can to this point and they know how I feel. She said if I force her to make a desission right now she'll probley choose divorce, if I give her time we may be able to try and work things out. She keeps saying im not being patiant to wich I replied ive been more patiant than anyone could have ever emagined and im done waiting. I told her I wont take the fall for this and file she'll need to do it. I also told her theres been a few girls that have showed interest in me and one of them has persued me and that ive told her im still trying to work on things with my wife and im not interested at this point. My wife said she figured there would be woman after me and if I wanted to date a little than shed understand but I shouldnt be having sex with anyone. I told her id do whatever I wanted and to mind her own buisness.

 

What do you guys think? What should I do at this point? Like a fool I still have the desire to try and make things work but I also need to take care of myself and get back to were I was last week before she started tugging at me again. I just cant believe I let her pull me back like this!!!!! I am going to spend a little time with OW this week but just as freinds for now.

 

I cant tell you all how much I am in need of some guidence at this point.

[hotgurl]

She is going to keep playing this game as long as you let her. Why does she have to file? I say you file for a legal seperation at least. She has shown you her true colors yet again. Take control for yourself and you kids. How long do you want to hang out in limbo like this?

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh, B- I hate this for you.

 

I would guess that she was probably hedging her options at that point- trying to keep you on the loop until she figured out what was up with OM.

 

I agree with Hotgurl- why should you wait until she files? Why don't you go ahead and file and make the papers as bad as you can- say full custody and her pay YOU child support. Perhaps seeing it in writing will wake her up to what her future may look like- oh and yeah, she has to cover her OWN medical bills.

 

She's not going to make a decision. She wants her cake- happy family and to eat it too. Her going back to blaming you for everything you've done wrong is just trying to deflect from the real reason she's doing this which is OM.

 

You seeing OW? Two wrongs do not make a right and you know my feelings on that issue.

 

I disagree with you in the fact that you talk about your children knowing the truth? That doesn't need to happen- not until they are way adults and come to you with questions. You should not put them in the position of feeling that mommy is the bad person here- even if she is- because that hurts them. It's not for her sake I say this but for theirs. This is truly one time where you need to swallow what you feel when it comes to her- with them. She is still their mother and that can only cause confusion and hurt.

 

Think some about what I've said here. I definitely do not feel you should turn to OW just because you're frustrated that things didn't work out with your wife- and truly, it's not fair to OW either.

[bkz]

Mz P, I have NOOOOOOO intentions of discussing this stuff with the kids. What I ment is when they're old enough to know what happend its her that will have to answer to them. Most of the resentment and anger she has toward her own mom is for the affair she had when my wife was a child, something she has to live with now of her own doing.

 

I called about fileing for legal seperation today and will probley go down tomarrow to do it. Im still not walking away from this yet and im NOT filing for divorce, I wont be the one to end it period.

 

Seing OW? No im not but I will. Its not out of need as im fine being by myself and actually would probley prefer it. Thing is in my converstions with her we really do have a connection and shes just finished going through a divorce herself so I feel comfortabel talking to her about stuff and just hangning out. She knows as ive been REAL clear my first choice is to try and work things out with my wife and i'll do nothing to compromise that at this point, STILL.

 

We've talked about 50/50 custody so far but........

Her medical issues and meds, plus the people she calls freinds, actally one of them got fired from her work the other day for suspision of drug use and DR. decided hes gonna start doing random testing as hes suspitios of others in the office. Also her OM just got a DUI AND she takes the kids to work with her and leaves then unsupervised upstairs for the better part of the day. These are things I plan to used against her if we end up in court but im sure theres more i could find. And with all the phone calls (100's of them) in just the last few month plus her telling the kids to lye to me about OM and I could supena her phsyciatrist as well if needed. I dont want this to be ugly but shes treated me like such a piece of s***, if things dont work out with us how can I not go after her?

[hotgurl]

I told her last night if shes not sure she wants to work on our marriage 100% than she should file for divorce. I also told her if she waiver and doesnt make a dessision I wont wait i'll file myself. I know a time limit may not be best right now but I wont allow her to fiddle around with this and continue to drag my kids along with her, this WILL end or begin NOW, up to her to make the choice soon or I will.

 

You said this not to long ago. She has now waivered so now it is time for you to follow through. She will never never take you seriously if you continue on like this.

[blind_otter]

 

I called about fileing for legal seperation today and will probley go down tomarrow to do it. Im still not walking away from this yet and im NOT filing for divorce, I wont be the one to end it period.

 

Why?

 

.................

[Mz. Pixie]

B-

 

This is war. She's already going to be pissed no matter what you do because you took control back and decided to do something about. Friendly divorces are a myth and why should you let it be?? Do you think that she will be more ugly to you than she already has?? Come on- this is for your kids. You should go for full custody at this point with visitation only for her. She doesn't need to lay claim to any money you get from the state for these kids as it might go to buy drugs for her and booze for OM!

 

If you want to save the family it's time to put some actions into your words. Make her see the financial impact that this is going to have on her!

[bkz]

Why? Because she can tell the kids daddy is the one who divorced me, and trust me she will tell them that and use it to her benafit.

 

hogurl, Im not trying to double talk, really.

I guess the reson im waivering from what I said is because she still has a bit of a hold on me. I was at a much better place than and ment what I said and with conviction. Just that her pulling me back and giving me the hope that things would work out by what she did this last week has really set me back on my heals againg. The thought of things working out and being that she was doing/saying everything right (although for only a short time) made me realize how much I do want things to work, for that week I felt like I havent felt in a while, hopefull and sorta fullfilled with the idea of my family possibly being brought back together and in a healthy way. I was willing to set healthy boundries and at least for the time being she gave every indecation, including marriage councelling with my councellor (whos a christian councellor) she was willing to respect them in order to make things right.

 

Real tough to be were im at now. Not willing to totally give up yet not really willing to try and make things right iether because I just cant trust her to do the right thing at this point. Well she just tried to call, guess this should be an interesting voice mail if she leaves one!!!!

[bkz]

Mz. P,

Im gonna really have to think hard about this. I have to admit it does (surprisingly) kinda give me a good feeling inside reading what you just wrote and im not sure why? I guess ive been so focused on making things work, taking care of me and the kids best I can and treating her with love and kindness, ive yet to really let myself feel the anger or betrail I should feel from what shes done?

[dgiirl]

I totally agree with what everyone is saying. From my own experience, I didnt want to file for a divorce out of noblity. I wanted him to file for the divorce because I didnt want to break our marriage vows. I wanted him to feel guilty for doing it. The reality is, he didnt give a sh*t. He was being extremely selfish and really didnt care how much he hurt me. After 5 months of waiting on him to file, I followed my lawyer's advice and filed. It was the BEST thing I did. Not only did HE get served with divorce papers (which I know if I had received them, i would not have been able to handle that), but it ALSO put pressure on him to finish his business. Plus he had a certain amount of time to respond to them, otherwise he was going to court and he REALLY didnt want to go to court. It was the best move I ever did. He finally started to negoiate with me about our finances. But Ms Pixie is right, it WILL upset her, atleast it upset my ex. He got mad that I filed. He got mad that I went to see a lawyer. I took away the control from him and THAT pissed him off. Remember, if in a year from now, you two do end up divorced, you dont want to regret your actions now out of nobility. I would talk to your lawyer and ask him his advice and I would file for a divorce!

[Mz. Pixie]

B-

 

I don't mind giving you advice and hanging here with you- that's why I come here but sometimes I feel like i'm beating my head against the wall.

 

I get that you're afraid to lose her by doing these things but honey, she's already gone. Perhaps seeing the complications from her actions might slap some wake up on her?? I can't say for sure- but I can say that once you take control- you'll feel better. No doubt.

 

Also, no matter what YOU do SHE will say whatever she wants to the kids. She may not talk bad about you or she may but you have no control over that so we can't use that as rationalization for what happens. You can have something put in your papers that says one parent is not to talk about the other parent negatively, my husband did.

 

Do not be suprised at anything she says or does- she is an addict, addicted to the OM. She is NOT your wife or the person you fell in love with anymore!

[DesperateDad]

Hang in there, bkz! It sounds like good advice. I'm preparing to play a little hard ball myself and it's scary and it sucks. We have to stand up for ourselves, though.

[bkz]

Ok I made an appointment to see another lawyer tomarrow just to make sure of my rights again and to see if I have any kinda case to get the kids full time or not. Im not gonna file out of anger or manipulation, im doing it the same way ive done everything else in my situation. Dont get me wrong, if the lawyer says I have a good chance of getting the kids full time due to the sercomstanses i'll file for it. I will also ask about having a drug test done (hair and urine) on both of us through the court. I also have a councelling appointment on Thursday and an appointment with a parallegal on Friday to file the divorce papers.

 

I called and checked my insurance. She filled her Hydrocodone, Ambium, Zomig and Ortho Evera patches in the last 2 weeks, so shes continuing to take meds. She had a headache from Friday when I saw her till Monday and was in bed all day Sunday, she took an emitrex, a vicatine and an ambium on sunday and I took the kids so she could blanket all the windows and sleep all day, at least thats what she told me she did. This is a concern of all of ours, her need for meds and ive got all the documentation I need in that respect if it comes down to it. I havent recieve a co-pay bill lately from her phsyciatrist so im not sure shes been going to her, but I can call her to court as well if needed along with my therapist ive been seing.

 

Im pretty sure she'll be happy when she gets served the papers. The only thing that'll be upsetting really I think is loosing my insurance and having to get her own from where she works cause there insurance SUCKS!!! Oh well this IS what she wants and I cant worry about her at this point, i'll give her 30 days notice on the insurance though.

 

After talking with my mom and her step dad today they both think im doing the right thing and are glad to see me taking the nessisarry steps. They both also think the reason its so hard for me to let her go is the amount of responsibility I feel for her. I allways feel like I need to take care of her, not oly her but im sorta a caretaker in general and it does make me feel good to put myself out for people. Thing is she needs SOOOOOO much care and ive really tried to be there for her whole hartedly and have been, no dought about it. Guess if I could let go of that then it would make it MUCH easyer for me. When I see her now im not attracted to her really, she just doesnt do it for me like before. Shes not a good person at this point so im not attracted to her in that way and she hasnt met any of my EN for some time now so its not that either.

 

Really like a couple of people close to me keep saying, what the heck could you see in her that would make you want to be with her and think theres anyway you could ever fogive or trust her? Well I guess I dont know, I mean I feel like I love her but is it more a matter of need? I meen I do get a fair amount of satisfaction from being there for her and her NEED for me being there for her. At this point I guess she doesnt feel she needs me but everyone else seems to think differant. My mom and father inlaw both told me today weather I fight for full custody or not they still both say I should be prepared to take it down the road. They've been telling me this from the beginning, that shes gonna fall apart or not be able to cope with all that shes brought on herself and what shes done to her life and family. Well time will tell but im not waiting on her anymore. No telling what the next six months will bring while we go through the divorce prosess but I know what im going to do now. Im going to move on and that meens REALLY move on.

[bkz]

Thank you all for the good sound advice, MUCH appritiated!!!

 

Oh and Mz P, please keep you head away from walls or anything hard espessially due to my stuborness!!!! You know how slow I can be to come around but im really trying to get better at making good decisions and in a more timely manner. I need to stop doing things out of love for her and more out of need for me and the kids, somtimes easyer said than done.

 

Again thank you and i'll keep updating.

[Sup]

See what counts as Abandonment (Drug use, ect.) I mean men can be hit with it, why not women, in such cases. Get checked out for STD's, perhaps even your children, not to make you worried or anything. But if you wife IS taking birth control she IS sleeping around, sorry to say. By the way, find out from the lawyer how fast she could CLEAN herself up in time for court, or drug testing, if he don't know, he may know doctors who can tell about the kinds of drugs shes using. Make sure the lawyer knows about the drugs, and what kinds.

[Mz. Pixie]

B-

 

You need to be keeping a journal as well of everything that goes on. Don't slam her in it but rather document what's going on. If you can prove you have the kids more than 50% of the time, due to her "illnesses" than that will work in your favor. You want to say things like "Mom's day to have the kids- not feeling well so I took them to the park so she could rest"

 

"W called today leaving me several voice mail messages" etc and detail what they were about.

 

I would go back and detail what she did last week in great detail. That shows how irratic her behavior is at this point. It does take some dedication to be able to keep notes like this but TRUST ME when I tell you that people have gotten custody by doing this. It will help you in court.

 

Be sure to tell your lawyer about the drugs- and the fact that she's mentally unstable- and how she leaves the kids unattended at her work etc.

 

Keep posting and letting us know what's going on.

[DesperateDad]

bkz, another quick word of advice: Go for full custody! Don't worry about being a dick because your children's lives depend on it.

 

The reason I say this is because my brother went through a similar situation. He married young because of a pregnancy and his wife was a real piece of work. She was nasty and vindictive and cheated on him with guys who were involved in drugs.

 

They got a divorce, but he didn't want to be mean even though she had physically assaulted him on more than one occasion. This is funny because he is a police officer! Anyway, she has been arrested several times since then for drug trafficing and now lives with a guy who has spent most of his adult life in prison for drug offences and yet continues to deal.

 

It took a while, but now my brother has full custody of their son and she only has supervised visits. Your wife seems to be on a similar path. The guy she's hanging with is a piece of s*** and you definitely don't want your kids around him. If she's having physical problems, mental problems, drug problems, whatever, and she's also leaving them unsupervised for hours, THEY ARE AT RISK!

 

I hope you do consider this and go for every bit of custody you can. You can always be nice later on and let her see them more. You can even try to reconcile while this whole thing is going on or even after, but definitely don't play nice with the legal stuff, especially custody. If she's really on this path, things will most likely get worse for her. You won't be helping yourself, your children or your wife by being a nice guy here.

 

(Standard disclaimer about offending you: sorry!)