Resentment Issues

[bkz]

She leaves me a message today and says shes sorry for being so angry but she just cant understand why id move the kids into town and have them in after school care when they're in a great school and should be with there mother instead of after school care. She say's thats why the state pays us the money from the addoption is so she could stay home with the kids and not work full time. Yeah well the state also didnt give us the kids thinking we may get a divorce!!!!!!! She just wants me to feel like im doing this to them. So funny I just cant believe she thinks this way and that some how im gonna take responsiblity at this point for breaking this family up. At the end of her message she said she misses me and this has been real hard for her, then starts crying and hangs up.

 

I just went by her work to drop off some stuff. She tried to get me to stay and see the kids but I said I had to go and left.

 

I also had councelling today and that went well. If she insist on moving back in I will demand no contact with OM and marriage councelling till the house sell to try and work on our relationship. I know I cant keep her from moving back in if she wants, although I think it would be the worst thing for us and the kids if she did. If shes willing to meet my expectations for us then i'll file for divorce myself or legal seperation right away so at least it will be over with.

[Mz. Pixie]

Wait, she works PART TIME??

 

How did I miss that earlier??

[bkz]

No Mz. P she USED to work part time just till 11:30 in the morning. Then shed go pick up our youngest son from school and go home, then our other two would come home on the bus around 2:30. So she pretty much had it made but since all of our problems started she started working more hours and now that we are strapped a bit more financially since she moved out shes been working full time. She picks the kids up from school and takes them back to work with her till 5:00 and they hang out in a room with a tv up stairs.

 

She knows how good her life can be if we work things out. She wont have to work at all after we sell the house and buy something cheaper. She would be able to stay at home or work a little, whatever she wants. Plus its the best thing for the kids, pretty much why we DO get money from the state till they're both 18.

 

I just cant believe shes saying shes just a possesion to me and I dont really care about her. Its like she doesnt feel its possible for someone to truely love her? Mabey its because she knows shes not been a good person lately?

 

I wish I could believe that she actually did miss me like she sais but its hard to believe anything anymore and it just feels like shes trying to tug at me by saying it?

[Mz. Pixie]

I have to say I don't think it would be a good idea for her to stay at home. Particularly if the kids are in school. WAYYYYY too much time on her hands if you ask me.

 

I think she's enjoying keeping you on the chain for financial reasons. Especially the insurance. She knows she cannot afford her meds without it.

[Mz. Pixie]

B- what is the latest?

[bkz]

Well not much to report Mz. P.

Me and the father inlaw were out camping this weekend and he caught her in a couple of lies that she told her mom.

 

Yesterday I went to her house to get the weedwacker and OM was there doing some work for her while she was in the mountains with the kids. I confronted him and had a LONG chat. Thing thats funny is he smelled like booz. About a half hour into our conversation he reaches into his truck and pulls a beer out and offers me one, I said no of coure. Dude was actually getting upset with me and making all kinds of false accusasions and telling me the only reason she hasnt filed for divorce is because shes affraid of me and so are my kids. Well I told him all the things shes been doing including the messages saying she misses me and such plus we talked about how me and her had sex for the first time in October after they quit talking. Heres the funny thing. He sais yeah and she told me she regreted doing that. Of course I informed him we'd been having sex the last five months and shes told me repeadedly its the best shes ever had and no ones ever made her feel that way. I also told him about the books ive bought (she comes first) to sorta rub it in. He was visibly upset so obviously shes been telling him otherwise.

 

At the end of our conversation he said he does have feelings for her and she for him and I said thats great you guys deserve each other, a relationship built on lies. He said, were being played arent we? Nope just you, I know whats going on and I know a lie from the truth, after all shes been MY wife for 12 years!!!! Funny stuff. Oh and I did tell him im not giving up till she files and we both know even if she does he wont be the answer to her problems either. I told him IF me and wife were to work things out one of my demands would be for her to never see or talk with him again.

 

She calls me today about picking up the kids and says OM got into a car accident yesterday. I tell her well he shouldnt drink and drive then and he DEFINATELY shouldnt be around our children. She sais he wasnt drinking and doesnt really drink anyways, of course I told her of what he was doing at her place and that he drove away with a fresh beer in his f'n lap!!!!

 

She insists there just freinds and had no idea he had feelings for her, I said yeah right and you have no feeling for him either right? I told her he told me otherwise and they need to get there stories streight. I also told her to if she wants to continue her relationship with him to get a divorce NOW. If not come home, end her relationship with him and go to marriage councelling. She of course changed the subject and started puting blame on me for something stupid so i told her id be there to pick up the kids at 4:45, said goodbye and hung up.

 

Shes really got this poor guy snowballed. I mean the accusations coming out of his mouth not only about me but her and her mom were unbelivable. He even had the nerve to say its my mother inlaw who is screwed up and that shes whats causing all the problems between her and my wife. Him saying were being played as he left was funny too.

 

Also I did meet someone this weekend, actually a couple of weeks ago but she came out to the lake with a mutual freind this weekend to see me. I know Mz. P not a goo thing but nothings really happend yet and she doesnt want to pressure me cause she knows my sitch. Its just shes so much more grounded, shes a teacher, has a great little girl and I do feel a bit of a connection with her. I made it clear I have every intention of trying to stay married but at this point it doesnt look like its gonna happen.

 

Last night and this morning I was doing HORRIBLE after seing/talking to OM at her place, that was real hard to swollow. The bam I get a text message saying goodmorning I was thinking about you and wanted to say hi, obviously it was from her and it made me feel so much better. The timing couldnt have been better. I know its not healthy at this point but im just feeling kinda pulled towards her a bit and not just because im needy or lonely but also because there is a bit of a connection there.

 

Anyways as you can tell im really getting towards the end of all this and some things have really been going on with me and my life the last week or so and most of them are possitive steps toward getting on with my life be it with or without her.

 

OK go ahead and lay it on me, I can take it you know I can.

[blind_otter]

You're making a lot of progress in getting better! I've been reading and following. I hope you continue with your strength.

[bkz]

Otter, thank you for your support!!

 

I wish I felt as strong as I did last week.

Thinking about things and talking with a good freind the last half hour im realizing im back in a bit of a state of confusion. Seing OM at my wifes house REALLY effected me more than I thought and has me realing a bit.

 

My freind thinks this other girl is really into me and I should persue at least a freindship with her. She just finished going through a divorce the last year and her and I talked about both our situations a bit this weekend and shes definatley alot farther along that I am. I really do want to call her tonight and talk but I dont want to lead her on or make her feel like im using her for something as I really do like her alot but im obviously still confused about things. I guess im feeling a bit of guilt over it? My freinds right when he sais he just doesnt understand WHY ID WANT TO BE WITH MY WIFE AFTER ALL THATS HAPPEND!!!!! I really want to move on and be done with it and I was until I saw OM there yesterday.

[Mz. Pixie]

B- I check on you too, does it make you feel good when I do it? And I'm a stranger on the internet- so it B_ot!

 

It's only natural to feel the way that you do. You're lonely and it's only natural that you would gravitate towards someone who makes you feel good. I met my now husband when I was separated from my first husband, so I know what I'm talking about. Yet, when you start getting friendly with this person, and they are being nice to you and your wife is NOT, and all you have is problems with her- you'll be less likely to want to work things out with her. I'm not saying you should work things out with her- I'm just telling you what I've experienced.

 

Here's the thing- if you get involved with this woman, then you're no better than your wife. She's still married to you just like you're still married to her. I know that I'm guilty of the same thing, but I've made personal changes in my life since then. I also had to face the consequences of my actions. Because I met someone, my exhusband insisted I was with him before, and I ended up losing alot more financially in the divorce because I got sick of fighting it. Luckily I could support myself financially without him otherwise I would have been in trouble.

 

If you get involved with someone she's going to be able to use that against you. If she even gets a sniff of it she'll be all over it, no matter what she's done- women are just like that. Then when you go to court you won't look any better than she does- and you have to look better in court to get what you want for your kids. A man just doesn't always have the same chances that a woman does and you want to do whatever is necessary to up your odds.

 

If you truly want to be with this girl, then go ahead and get divorced. Don't keep her around on the side just in case it doesn't work out with your wife. But, don't see her on any level other than friend before the divorce. That way you can always look back and say that you did the right thing- even if your wife didn't. You can one day explain that to your kids. Just a little bit of delayed gratification on your part will make all the difference!

 

And by the sounds of it, you need to do whatever necessary to keep OM away from your kids- especially if he drinks and drives. I'm still blown away that you even conversed with him.

[bkz]

Well my wife called me yesterday afternoon and said she had to go pick up OM with my kids cause he got in an accident, then take him to get his truck. Supposibley someone hit him and ran. Im thinking dude got a dui when he left my wifes house and she had to go get him out, the kids told me they picked him up at the police station.

 

Heres the big one. Ive told you shes been leaving me messages telling me she misses me and wants to spend time with me lately. Well when I picked up the kids from her work yesterday she kept saying how good I looked, wich I didnt respond. She kept trying to get me to talk with her at work but I was reluctant. I finaly went into the hall way and talked. She started crying and asked if we could go to marriage councelling with my new councellor. I said we could talk about it. She then asked if she could go out on the boat with us this weekend and I said no i'll be working on the house probley. She asked if she could come over and work on it with me, I said mabey.

 

She called last night crying and telling me how porley shes handled all this and how she could understand if I hate her and never want to see her again. I agreed to let her come to soccer with us this afternoon at the Y and she was very excited about it.

 

Im not sure what to do at this point? Seems shes realized what a loozer OM is and now she wants her life back? She said a bunch of things last night including what a great provider I am and what a great father and husband shes starting to realize that I am. Its hard for me to want to make thing work with her cause I feel like im still being lied to. Thing is I told her again yesterday on the phone, end things with OM, move home and go to marriage councelling or get a divorce this week period. Now she looks to be choosing to work on things and I feel I should stick to my words. If I wanted to look at this from a religious angle id say god has finaly got her to a point I was hoping for the hole time and me letting go and even pushing her away did what it was supposed to do.

 

Im really confused at this point, please help.

[Mz. Pixie]

Stick to your guns B. You've got her where you want her.

 

No more contact with OM, go to marriage counseling and she moves home immediately. No more hanging out with kids half her age and doing drugs etc. Everyone needs time to themselves but at this point she has to earn your trust back. That means being accountable.

 

I'd first get her to agree to the above and then work with the marriage counselor on getting her to where she needs to be. Both of you need to be at marriagebuilders. But don't disclose that right away. You first want to get her home where you can start filling her love back and away from OM. Then everything else should come into play.

 

If you think the time is right it wouldn't hurt to mention that there is someone interested in you but that because you love her and want ONLY her you haven't pursued it.

[blind_otter]

I don't think your obligated to take her back, honestly.

 

There is a HUGE amount of resentment (the thread title -- ya think!?) built up and it takes a lot of effort to work through that.

 

And I think it's a bit weak to be like, holding out for another option, and then that option (OM) turns out to be a turd, so you go back to what you had on the backburner. If it looks like a cake eater, and walks like a cake eater....it just doesn't set the stage for any authentic change in attitudes or longterm behavior patterns.

 

Plus, I think if she really were ready to cut the OM out of her life, she wouldn't have picked him up at the damn police station with your kids in the car.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good thinking B-ot.

 

I think she's getting wind that B is tired of the situation and about to make a move in one way or the other so she's giving him just enough to reel him back in again.

 

In abuse terms that's called "hoovering". I know you know what that is B_ot but B may not.

[M80]

I agree too...sounds to me like Mr. Wonderful is tired of her crap as well...so where does she come back to? Where she can slip right back into her old life until another person possibly comes along showing her attention? Dude, I did the same thing..took my wife back, only to have her cheat again. She came back, I found out later, due to the OM growing tired of her crap. I lost alot of confidence and self esteem due to dealing with her over this. Our kids were scarred for quite some time over her actions and to this day, hardly speak to her since our divorce. But, SHE made those choices.

 

When the OM and husband meet..and the husband tells HIS side..then the OM sees she ain't cracked up to be what he has been told she is..as he's been told by her. So..he heads off, realizing he's made a mistake. Then, comes the realization from the wife that her fantasy world is coming to an end..you get tears, begging, pleading..in other words, "nobody wants me". If she considers that love, then she has alot to learn. OM has been her safety net for quite some time..she was willing to leap tall bounds to be with him..and for what? And why? Until the 'why' is figured out, she'll more than likely do it again. If his backing off makes her want to come back home and she didn't do it on her own willingness...then I'd be VERY cautious. I sat with my wife in therapy, hearing her cry, whine, promise..and all the while, she was still sleeping with the OM. Was even persuading him to stay in her life..buying gifts, calling him, special visits, phone calls, emails, sex...it was disgusting.

 

Biggest mistake I ever made..taking her back. I wish I had never done it, but like you, I loved my wife. I wanted it to work. But, all the counseling in the world won't help unless it's HER that wants it. Not just because he's backing off...and until she comes to the surface with why she is doing this...it may just keep happening. You have to seriously ask yourself if your heart is ready to take this all over again......until a full term commitment is made by her deep from the heart..and you can SEE and FEEL it..and not DOUBT it...and she wants help not only for the marriage, but more for herself..be careful.

 

Good luck to you.

[bkz]

SO am I getting from you two that I shouldnt give her a second chance if she says she'll never contact OM again, move back in and go to marriage councelling with the councellor of my choice?

 

Now understand I have my doughts about whats going on with her at this point. Shes pretty much falling apart and in our conversation last night and in a message she left me after that she continues to appologise for the way shes acted and whats happend with OM. Shes saying things just got WAY out of hand and that shes tired of living in the past and holding onto bad things. Theres alot coming out of her at this point including appologyse but im not sure if she really means it or is just trying to come back for the convineince and the easy life I have to offer her? She definately seems a bit desperate and is actually kinda grovelling at times. My son has soccer tonight and she wanted to come with us. At first I resisted a bit but then said it was ok for her to be there. She asked this morning if I was sure its ok for her to be there and I said yes, she said she was happy about that and is excited to spend time with me.

 

Its just such a BIG turn around. Like ive posted the last couple of weeks ive seen signs and have gotten messages from her but couldnt believe it was genuine. Seem as soon as I told her I wanted space and to leave me alone she started acting differant, that and her thinking I went out on a date although I didnt at that time.

 

I still dont think shes emotionally, physically or mentally anywere near wear she needs to be for us to have a healthy relationship. I feel ive made alot of progress and am pretty close to were I need to be for it to happen but I just am having a hard time believing shes being honest. I guess councelling will reveal alot of that and if not we dont have a chance of making things work, I WONT settle for what we had before and I wont put my kids in the possition to have to go through this again. I'll be fine either way and actually im prepared at this point to move on. Ive givin her the choice a number of times over the last couple of months including yesterday on the phone of what she needs to do to make things right. If shes willing to do that than I intend to stick to my word and try as well.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry B- I definitely wasn't meaning to make you think I didn't want you to try.

 

I do!

 

What I want you to do is set a boundary and a time limit for her to do what's necessary to mend the marriage. For instance- in two weeks time, I expect for you to be back home, we will write a no contact letter to OM together, you will become transparent as far as your personal life- cell phone records, etc- you'll be accountable with your time until I can trust you again- and we will attend marriage counseling together. Whatever time line works for you- but I think you need to make it soon- so that you strike while she's feeling like she is. The longer you allow her to waiver the longer she has to change her mind the other way.

 

Part of mending the marriage would be her coming completely clean about her actions- but I think the marriage counselor should be the one to move her towards that.

 

What you want to do is get her home- so you can start meeting her needs better than OM ever has! I know that you can do this!

[blind_otter]

I'm not saying don't try, but don't keep giving her second chances over and over.

 

And I am of the opinion that words are cheap. I can say anything. "I love Saddam Hussein!" It doesn't mean I believe it!!

 

People who are desperate will say a lot of stuff, but desperation doesn't really lead to authentic choices, IME. Some people will sell their soul to the devil to get what they want.

[DesperateDad]

I know I'm not in a real good position to offer advice, but, bkz, you really do seem like a guy who can make this work. It does sound like the Plan A carrot and stick approach with real boundaries and real consequences is the path to making things work.

 

Emotional situations can make us say and do the craziest things and combining that with further complications like health problems, drugs, etc, is like putting gasoline on a fire. Good luck with this. You CAN do it.

[bkz]

Thank you all for the support!!

 

Im very hesitant to even let her back to be honest. She showed up to my sons soccer yesterday and was actually wearing both her wedding rings, this is the first time since before she moved out. She has worn her grandmothers ring on occation but NEVER her wedding rings. She also asked me out on a date. She said her boss told her of a great new resterant and if I felt more comfortable we could take the kids if I wanted. I said id go with her and bringing the kids would be fun but either way is fine. She also brought me some food, treats and some special types of beer I like to take home. She also mentioned how much she love our house and started talking about not wanting to sell it but I cut her off and said we'd just see what happens.

 

She is DEFINATELY showing true remorse in our conversations and admitting shes handle things horibley. Shes appologised for her relationship with OM and said shes ready to let go of the past and move on. Shes also saying she cant belive she took me for granted for so long and being away from me has really made her realize what she has with me. Lip service? Dont know but since she crying pretty much the whole time durring our conversations I think she is truely starting to feel the extent of what shes done and showing some remorse. To me admitting what shes done, showing remorse and then repentance are three of the major things that have to happen. Then of coure she needs to show me shes willing to commit herself to making this marriage work for the right reasons, otherwise im out.

 

Im VERY confused about the turn around although I have seen signs lately, ive just been unable to take them as REAL signs because I dont know what to believe at times with her. Im also pretty sure by setting some boundries like making her give me space holding her accountable about OM and her wereabouts lately plus just not meeting any of her needs has earned me back some respect in her eyes but who knows. I know for a fact she knows I dont need her and am happy without her. Ive told her that and so have people in her family whove been around me lately. I really think she sees things slipping away from her and hadnt planned on that since ive been SOOOOOO acomodating the last 8 months.

 

Ive devoloped some feelings for this other person and shes been texing me the last couple of days. This morning she text me and asked if she could see me tonight. I said id call her later. I plan to tell her im going to give my wife another chance to make things work but that I do feel theres a connection between us and im sorry about the timing of things.

[bkz]

I know I'm not in a real good position to offer advice, but, bkz, you really do seem like a guy who can make this work. It does sound like the Plan A carrot and stick approach with real boundaries and real consequences is the path to making things work.

 

Emotional situations can make us say and do the craziest things and combining that with further complications like health problems, drugs, etc, is like putting gasoline on a fire. Good luck with this. You CAN do it.

 

DD, thats good advice. Ive actually been to marriage builders and im gonna go there today and print out some stuff again. I gave my wife alot of his stuff 8 months ago when we first started having problems and again after she moved out. Things is his Joint Agreement and love bank stuff is sooooo good. Me and my wifes biggest problem in the past has been comunication so I think his stuff can be really good for us if we do decide to work things out.

 

Again thanks for the input. Im still following your situation and your families in my prayers.

[DesperateDad]

You're very welcome! I totally agree about the love bank stuff. That alone hit me like a ton of bricks when I first read it. It makes a lot of sense. And thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers; mine are with you and yours, too.

 

Please don't be offended by this next bit. I know others have cautioned you, too, but I would just like to add my own word to theirs: please be careful about even talking to the new female friend. It could really start to cloud your judgment about your relationship with your wife.

 

It reminds me of how my wife has been talking to our male neighbor instead of me and had come to rely on him emotionally. This has really complicated our situation, even though much of it is my own fault. It's just way too tempting to rely on a person of the opposite sex who is willing to listen. Marriagebuilders has some great advice on this subject, too.

[Mz. Pixie]

Please don't be offended by this next bit. I know others have cautioned you, too, but I would just like to add my own word to theirs: please be careful about even talking to the new female friend. It could really start to cloud your judgment about your relationship with your wife.

 

 

Thank you DD. The idea is your love bank is completely empty, B so of course this other person is fascinating- she wants to fill your love bank. Please do NC with her right now while you focus on your marriage.

 

Sounds like your wife has made a turn. How about you guys set a time limit for when she'll be back home?

[bkz]

You are both correct and I was thinking along the same lines. The nessisary steps were taken this morning to do that.

 

I called her at lunch and told her my intentions to make things work with my wife. I was honest with her about everything including that I do have feeling for her which makes it even harder and she said she does for me as well. She also said she has even more respect for me that im going to try to make things work with my wife and wished me luck. Of course she also said IF things dont work she'll be there for me, actually she said if they do or not shes there for me

I did make it clear NC and she was very understanding.

 

I'll speak with my wife in the next couple of days about some stuff. Im a little reluctant to open up to her or accept her intentions as being real, im sure you all can understand that? Im really affraid of getting hurt again I guess. I mean ive FINALLY gotten to a point I was happy with myself and the likelyhood of us not being together than WHAM!!!!!! She seems to be back again?

 

Whenever she tries to talk about councelling or the house or anything the last couple of days I kinda change the subject. I guess its hard for me to shift gears so quickly? But I also know I need to step up and do the things necissary to make things right and being proud or begrudging (SP?) at this point isnt gonna acomplish that.

 

Oh and hey DD, please dont worry about offending me. I appritate yours and everyone elses honesty and input, dont know how id have gotten to this point without it. Our situations a simalar esspesially when it comes to the OM. My wife origianaly started out using him as emotional support that she wasnt getting from me or her family and hadnt in MANY years. Its very tought to accept when you want SOOOOOO bad to be the one your spouse comes to and to prove you CAN be there for them but arent given the opportunity to do so. BTW, your wifes desision to go outside the marriage to another MAN for emotional needs is not your falt. Its inapropriate and blaming yourself isnt right either, shes made the choice to do that not you.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks, bkz. I'm really impressed with you, man! It takes a lot to be able to turn away someone who really does seem to care and be interested in you in the face of what you're dealing with. I don't know that I would have the strength right now. I have to keep my distance from women pretty much entirely.

 

I agree about the advice on this board. You guys are all great! It really tears me up inside to read about all the heartbreak going on out there, but I'm glad we at least have somewhere to go for good advice. It really has been a source of peace for me in the middle of a raging storm.

 

And, thanks for not being offended. Sometimes it's really hard for us to take advice from other people even though we know they're right. You're a good man, bkz!

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm proud of you B.

 

The trick is going to be not to slip and go into contact with her as you and your wife start rebuilding things and it gets tough.