Becoming a Better Person

[Amalphia]

Hello All. I haven't been here in a very long time and when I was here I was pretty bitter to everyone adn I first want to apologize for that. I am still with the same person I was with in my past posts but things have been better for us and wrose at times. He and I just recently had a spat where he broke up with me because he said he was unable to cope with the relationship and I think alot of it had to do with his stree from work and from his stress from me. I have been a bit of a "bitch" lately. I havent been as trusting as I could be and that bring sme to my point. If any of you have read my past posts you would know that I have a issue with porn and have an issue trusting my boyfriend to be alone at home because of it. I need someone to help me sort this out. He has been ALMOST completely honest with me about the porn thing lately and when he hasnt been when he isconfronted aout it he is honest but I still feel like he isnt being. I hate being away form him, I hate having a different shift then him I cant stand the idea of him being alone b/c of the mistrust issue that I have. I NEED TO GET OVER THIS AND I NEED HELP. I love Aaron more than anything in the wrold but the trust issue I have with him is holding me back. I want to get over it and move forward in my relationship but I need help. AAAHHHHHH Help me. Any Advice????

[whichwayisup]

You both need to do some couples therapy. I don't remember your story but I can see that you don't trust him at all while you're not around him. That is not good and is quite harmful to the relationship. I don't know how bad the porn problem is, but if it's affecting you so much, this is a sign to get outside help to fix your relationship. Hopefully he is willing to go with you. If not, you should go on your own...Is it possible that you just have some insecurities from your past and what he does at times brings up old wounds?

[Ladyjane14]

I went back and took a look at your previous posts. Your situation doesn't seem to have changed much since then....and that was January 2005, over a year ago!

 

The thought I had while I was reading through your old posts was that you take way too much responsibility upon yourself for your boyfriend's choices.

.....now im trying to put the pieces of him back together so that he can be happy and so can I.

 

Fixing him isn't your responsibility. Neither is turning yourself inside out like a contortionist so that you can be a better match for him. You didn't create HIS problems. He did that all on his own. Yes, I said...."ALL ON HIS OWN".

 

He had a responsibility in his last relationship to HIMSELF. He could either accept or reject poor treatment. I think it was Outcast who posted this once....."You can't be used for a doormat if you won't lie down."

 

Further, if he's holding on to his previous "victimization", whose fault is that?

YOU are not the ex-wife that he blames for it, so why is he viewing you through that colored lens? Why is this YOUR problem and not HIS problem?

 

You seem to think that there's something intrinsically wrong with YOU because you're bothered by the porn and the sexual baggage your boyfriend has brought into the relationship. But the fact is....that you have an absolute right to your own feelings. You have a right to express them. And you have a right to expect that they be taken into consideration in your S/O's decision-making process. You don't have a responsibility to carry HIS baggage for him.

 

You know, there are people who completely REFUSE to have porn in their life. And it's not for other people to judge, because what's right for one person isn't always right for another.

 

After reading your posts, I'm convinced that you're selling yourself short in this relationship, and I think you'd do well to explore some of your issues in IC (indivdual counseling). I don't care much for the concept of codependancy, but you seem to be having a really hard time setting boundaries on the treatment you're willing to accept. While I recognize that we've only seen this one aspect of your daily life...on the surface it seems that you're losing more than you're gaining from this relationship in terms of Individuality. You're not allowing yourself to be uniquely YOU.

 

It might help you to go back and read your earlier posts again, particularly if you can look at them in an unbiased way. Try to separate yourself emotionally and examine them from a third party perspective as if they were written by someone else. Take another look at the response you got from Lucrezia Borgia in post #7 here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61417/

I think it's still valid advice today.

 

Meanwhile, maybe you might consider the 180 approach from Michele Weiner-Davis on DivorceBusting. This is designed for married couples who have separated, but I think it still might have some merit for you. The gist of it is that if you pursue him....he's just going to run away.

 

Personally, I can see some value here as long as you resist 'game-playing'. I ALWAYS think honesty is best all around. But I do think that 180's can be done from the vantage point of honesty if you focus on what's good for YOU. These can be things that you do for yourself in order to make YOU strong. The side-benefit is that it also opens the door to your S/O's cage so he has to make a decision about where he WANTS to be. And I think you'd be wise to realize that if he's not where he "wants" to be....he'll never be a good partner to you.

 

Here's a list:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[a friend]

Earlier today i was reading one of your other threads about your boyfriend and his computer. Well i can relate because my boyfriend has a ps2 that he never comes from in front of. I've caught him watching porn on it a few times and also seen the discs inside of the damn thing. i've been trying to decide what to do because its been a really rough road for the past 2 years. but your not the only one that goes through these ups and downs. if you really care about him and let him know how you feel. well if he cant honor that and try to meet you half way then maybe you need to do your own thing. it just seems so hard sometimes though when you've shared so many good times. i wish you the best of luck and hopefully you'll get through this. take care.....