mystified Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Hey, I have been searching for an advice sight! This place is great! Thanks in advance for any advice I might recieve....here goes! This is kinda hard to explain but I will try.... My BF has been acting real strange. When I call him, he acts like he is confused or he doesnt know who I am or why I am calling.This goes on for about 2 minutes till finally he starts talking to me like I am his GF of a year and a half and we live together. To give you an idea of what I am talking about, here is an example of the phone conversations: (He is spanish, by the way) phone rings, he picks up me: hello him: yes? (suspicious sounding, like "who is this, a credit card company") me: Heart? (nickname) him: yes? (still suspicious sounding, like "confused about who this is") me: Whats up? Him: nothing (suspicious sounding) rustling going on in backround me: You at work now? him: yes (still confused about "who this really is") me: well, what are you doing? (by now, I am exasperated, he should know who is calling, besides, its the same number I have been calling from for many months now) him: nothing (still "why is this person calling me" sounding) me: Is something wrong? him: No (still confused) me: Well, you arent really talking to me, I just thought something was up A man and a woman can be heard in the backround laughing and talking and all of a sudden, a definate change of location, as if he hurried out to go somewhere else, voice echos, and sounding like someone was banging on door me: why are you acting strange now? him: Nothing heart, just working....etc...complete change of attitude, now, all of a sudden "remembers" me and we can proceed with the conversation This happens almost constantly lately, him answering the phone sounding cold, informal and indifferent as if he doesnt know who I am, why I am calling, as if I am either a telemarketer, a credit card company, or some long forgotten friend that he cant place the voice but knows they are calling for a reason.... When he comes home, he knocks on the door, with a "helllooo" in a playful voice, as I have seen him do at friends houses, as if he is just "dropping by" and wanted to see "what was up" not like he actually lives there or anything.... It is not only these things, there are many many other things as well, I am just hoping someone can give me some insight into the spanish culture...maybe there is something I am not getting that it is time I should be clued in about.....BTW I am an american... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mystified Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 I also forgot to mention that he had an x girlfriend at his work that he lied to me about, Told me since coming to the US, never had a GF, and later I find out he not only had an xGF, but he worked (and still works with her) with her, and even when I worked with him, I didnt know!!! When he couldnt deny it any longer, he still denied it!! Maybe she is there? Thats the reason for his "confusion"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mystified Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 I take it no one has advice for me then? Sorry, thanks anyway if you read it Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 hello mystified, i don't think this is a cultural misunderstading. i don't think you do either. your description of the conversation including background noise and location changes tells me that you think he is trying to make someone at his work place believe that he is single. someone at his workplace is also his exGF who he lied to you about. you have all your answers right in your post. i'm sorry that you are in this situation but please don't allow the mistaken idea of a cultural difference to get in the way of your suspicions. find out what is going on and why he is treating you this way. in person say "you sound very weird when you answer your phone at work, what is going on?" Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I also forgot to mention that he had an x girlfriend at his work that he lied to me about, Told me since coming to the US, never had a GF, and later I find out he not only had an xGF, but he worked (and still works with her) with her, and even when I worked with him, I didnt know!!! When he couldnt deny it any longer, he still denied it!! Maybe she is there? Thats the reason for his "confusion"? He's not confused, he doesn't want whoever is around him when he answers the phone to know who is calling him, or what kind of relationship he has with you. I think you know something is up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mystified Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Hey!! Thanks you guys!! I wasnt sure if I was posting in the right place, or if I didnt do it right...so thanks!! I say cultural differences because even though we can communicate, it is nowhere near sufficient, alot of the times he could be misunderstanding me, but what I am talking to him about is relatively simple conversational pieces...and when we dont understand, it is met halfway, half spanish half english..... another thought is maybe he is embarrased to talk english in front of his friends at work, because they either speak english fluently, (and he very clearly does not) or just embarrassed to be talking english in front of anyone period.... asking him does no good, he will just accuse me of picking at him and clam up....has anyone on here been through similar circumstances?? ie spanish - english thing?? Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 the guy has another girl and you might be calling right when he is with her at work Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 asking him does no good, he will just accuse me of picking at him and clam up....has anyone on here been through similar circumstances?? ie spanish - english thing?? Defensiveness is the same in any language, honey. Stop lying to yourself. Just because you're from another country does not mean you don't learn the normal every day processes involving REGULAR socializing. From what you write it seems like people who speak english as a second language are mildly retarded or something. He is obviously hiding something from you. One whole half of my family speaks broken english, and they still know what common courtesy is and they don't behave like cave men. Nor are they shy about the fact that they speak english as a second language, hello, that's reality - they deal with it every day. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I agree, I mean if he was just really busy at work he would just say, "Hey, can't talk now, call you back." If he's already told one lie, chances are there are many more. You know what's going on. I'm sorry though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mystified Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 I dont mean to make it sound like he is mildly retarded, but thats how he sounds sometimes..... I have had to deal with this communication issue for well over a year now, and as a result, I am about 65% bilingual, which is a plus for me, meanwhile he is still functioning on a 30% level...which, I understand english is harder to learn...but if he was that into me, he wouldve tried harder in my opinion.... I am getting wicked frustrated because sometimes I just dont know if he passes off the "i dont understand" card because he doesnt want to answer the question, or if he really doesnt understand..... Like as of late, does a lot of nice things for me, (he can be very selfish) out of the blue...washing my car, fixing up the house, things he would of never ever thought to do before and with all that has been going on between us, I have to wonder if maybe he is doing this because he has been feeling guilty about something.... yet when I ask him if he is feeling guilty and that is the reason he is doing these nice things, he says "i dont understand what you mean" I know my conversational spanish is sadly lacking, my understanding is about 90%.... but I said "tu sentir culpable for un cosa o que" and something in broken english/spanish to the effect that he is doing nice things for me now" (porque ahora buena cosas para mi) I know my spanish is $hitty but could he not understand what I was trying to communicate to him or what?? instead he says "i dont understand" dont get it...when I finally throw up my hands and tell him I want to leave, he stops me and tells me I am never going out of his life... Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 he is playing you and using the language barrier. you could speak to him in japanese when you call his phone and he should still be able to recognize your voice. are you sincerely believing that until he leaves whatever room he is in at work he doesn't know it's is you? c'mon now. and if he is embarrassed of his english, why doesn't he just speak to you in spanish for the first few seconds of the phone call until he can leave the room? and finally, you say if you ask him about it he will just clam up... well that's unacceptable. and you should tell him that in both english and spanish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mystified Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 thanks grateful....I do tell him in spanish AND in english that what he does is unacceptable at times, but he doesnt seem to get it....yet understands almost perfectly how to say your not leaving me.....only he says it like this: "you never going from my life" which I have dealt with his less than perfect english, its not an issue, until he makes it one, by saying he doesnt understand something he understood a couple of days ago, or if I say it in full on spanish....or even broken... You are right, he is using the language thing as an excuse. But when I tell him about these seemingly small things (which pale in comparison to the much LARGER things he has done to violate my trust) he takes it as I pick at him.... yet he doesnt want me to ever leave him...ever... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 thanks grateful....I do tell him in spanish AND in english that what he does is unacceptable at times, but he doesnt seem to get it....yet understands almost perfectly how to say your not leaving me.....only he says it like this: "you never going from my life" which I have dealt with his less than perfect english, its not an issue, until he makes it one, by saying he doesnt understand something he understood a couple of days ago, or if I say it in full on spanish....or even broken... You are right, he is using the language thing as an excuse. But when I tell him about these seemingly small things (which pale in comparison to the much LARGER things he has done to violate my trust) he takes it as I pick at him.... yet he doesnt want me to ever leave him...ever... Wow, obsessive cheating stalker. With communciation issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mystified Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 "Wow, obsessive cheating stalker. With communciation issues." ha ha ha blind otter!! Yeah, where is Jerry Springer when you need him??! seriously, though, why bother to answer the phone at all if he is trying to hide me calling? Its a cell phone that doesnt ring, it vibrates, he doesnt HAVE to answer the phone.... yes, he tells me how jealous I am and ridiculous all because I have issues with the suspicious things he does, so now I cant bring anything up without it sounding like I am jealous....so I try to reserve the fighting for special events, like when he does things I cant forgive him for for 4 days... it is all so ridiculous, I am such a catch, i shouldnt put up with his bs, but as we both said to each other, "its too late now, I already love you" Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Yeah, well. fill one hand with s***. Fill the other hand with love. See which one gets full first. There are a lot more things that are requirements for having good, fulfillinf relationships. Love is only one of the ingredients. Link to post Share on other sites
Elyssa Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Mystified, Some people are naturally able to learn languages while some people has a harder time with it. I went from speaking zero english to native level in a matter of a couple years without even trying. I speak four languages. On the other hand, my husband, who happens to be american, has been busting his ass to learn Spanish so we can move to Spain (where I'm originally from) for three years now and he can't even hold the most basic of the conversations with me, even when I'm deliberately speaking slow and using simple language. He's a highly intelligent man, but this just happens to be one of his limitations. My guess, however, is that your boyfriend is simply playing around with you, using the communication issues to hide things from you. He probably understands more than you think. Do you want to know for sure? Write him a letter, pour your feelings into it and explain clearly the issues you have, then have a friend who is fluent in Spanish translate it for you. Hell, I'll do it if you can't find anybody. After that, he will have no excuse to keep playing and he will have to do something about it. If he doesn't... well, then you know something's up. Lastly... Spanish (as in from Spain) culture and American culture are really not that different. Now, South-American culture is a world apart from either, even in different regions of South America, there are different dialects that can cause alot of confusion. Before you do anything rash, make sure you're not having a true miscommunication problem due to regionalized language -E Link to post Share on other sites
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