basscatcher Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I'm in research mode today. Some good stuff... 1. You should give up yourself to be in a relationship, or you have to give up the relationship in order to be yourself. These twin myths are like opposite sides of the same coin. They leave out the possibility of being yourself in a relationship. The truth is that the only way to have a great relationship is when you give up trying to please your partner at all costs. Then you have a lot more room to be yourself. 2. If a relationship is right, you shouldn’t have to work at it. Actually, all relationships take work to grow and flourish. That’s because relationships are like living things. If they are not cared for they tend to whither and die. 3. My soul mate is out there waiting for me, and unless I find him/her, I am doomed to never have the kind of relationship I want. The truth is that there are many different people with whom you can build a wonderful, loving relationship. Your soul mate isn’t someone out there waiting for you; it’s someone you find when you devote time to becoming friends and getting to know each other first. 4. Falling out of love means that the relationship is in trouble. Many people think that being in love is all it takes to have a great relationship, but that is sometimes the worst predictor of success. That’s because being in love is temporary insanity, designed by selfish genes in order to make babies . 5. If you really loved me, I wouldn't have to tell you what I want. You may think that you shouldn’t have to ask for what you want. The problem is that mind- reading is an inexact science. If you ask for something, you dramatically increase your chances of getting it. 6. You should always act on your feelings. Many things influence your feelings in a relationship. Some of them have much more connection to things that happened in past than with how your partner is acting. You’ll make better choices if you think about the reason for your feelings and other relevant information before deciding how to act. 7. My partner and I feel the same way about everything. This is only true when you are blinded by falling in love and neither of you is paying attention to your deep feeling. Later you may think that anybody else in your situation would feel the same way you do. Actually, that is not the case. How people feel depends on lots of things: their personality type, their life experience, what other kinds of stress they are experiencing, etc. 8. You should avoid hurting your partner’s feelings at all costs to preserve your relationship. Many people think that avoiding hurting someone’s feelings is more important than telling the truth about an irritating problem, but that actually perpetuates the problem, and often leads to the destruction of a relationship. You get much better results by focusing on how to solve the problem without blaming anyone for causing it. 9. Your partner is responsible for how you feel. You may think that other people can make you feel bad, but the truth is that when you realize they can’t do this without your cooperation, you won’t get hooked by their criticism or lack of respect. People often feel angry because a life partner is treating them badly, but usually it’s because they have let accumulated small resentments build walls between them when all they really want is to be close to each other 10. You and your partner should never argue. People sometimes think that never arguing with each other will maker relationships strong. What usually happens is that because we're human we have different needs and wants. If we pretend those don't exist and don't ask that they be taken into consideration, we feel disappointed and angry and hide our feelings. The pressure of those hidden feelings leads to the conclusion that the relationship is not right for us, and we leave. The truth is that when people learn to argue in healthy ways they tend to stay together. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 11. Fighting is good/healthy for a relationship. WTF? Heated discourse is understandable, but there must be a mutual agreement to respectfully disagree when you don't like what the other person is saying, IMHO. I've heard women say that fighting adds spark to the relationship, which I think is totally f'upped – you need to have that kind of drama in your relationship to make it worthy? I always thought that a healthy relationship was based on respect and understanding to the best of your ability! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 11. Fighting is good/healthy for a relationship. WTF? Heated discourse is understandable, but there must be a mutual agreement to respectfully disagree when you don't like what the other person is saying, IMHO. I've heard women say that fighting adds spark to the relationship, which I think is totally f'upped – you need to have that kind of drama in your relationship to make it worthy? I always thought that a healthy relationship was based on respect and understanding to the best of your ability! I don't think they're talking about like, throwing pots and vases and stuff. That's crazy talk. More like, sometimes you don't see eye to eye and it's not necessarily great when people don't communicate that, and by virtue of the fact that you don't see eye to eye, you will disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 The truth is that when people learn to argue in healthy ways they tend to stay together. For better or worse, confrontation does tend to bring issues out into the open. Confrontation is your friend and not your enemy. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 10. You and your partner should never argue. People sometimes think that never arguing with each other will maker relationships strong. What usually happens is that because we're human we have different needs and wants. If we pretend those don't exist and don't ask that they be taken into consideration, we feel disappointed and angry and hide our feelings. The pressure of those hidden feelings leads to the conclusion that the relationship is not right for us, and we leave. The truth is that when people learn to argue in healthy ways they tend to stay together. What if everything you said is not the case...What if we do agree on things, we have no reason to hide our feelings. The last sentence you wrote....Is our non-argue method a healthy way? Get what I'm saying...I think I'm confusing myself! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 What if everything you said is not the case...What if we do agree on things, we have no reason to hide our feelings. The last sentence you wrote....Is our non-argue method a healthy way? Get what I'm saying...I think I'm confusing myself! Well - I dunno as to how anyone could reach adulthood without some insecurities, secrets, things they are ashamed of, pain...things that your partner may know the factual details about, but not necessarily the emotional details? Like my miscarriages, any partner I have subsequently, will know that they did happen, but I don't find it necessary to share exactly how I felt and the way my past relationships were. I guess I am having a hard time understanding how people could reach adulthood and still be that open to vulnerability? Like crying in front of each other and stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Well - I dunno as to how anyone could reach adulthood without some insecurities, secrets, things they are ashamed of, pain...things that your partner may know the factual details about, but not necessarily the emotional details? Like my miscarriages, any partner I have subsequently, will know that they did happen, but I don't find it necessary to share exactly how I felt and the way my past relationships were. I guess I am having a hard time understanding how people could reach adulthood and still be that open to vulnerability? Like crying in front of each other and stuff? I have insecurities, secrets (well not secret anymore) that I have told him. But what does that have to do with not arguing/fighting? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I have insecurities, secrets (well not secret anymore) that I have told him. But what does that have to do with not arguing/fighting? 90% of the time when you argue with your partner it's not so much the issue, but more your personal issues clashing. Your experiences in life, both good and bad, shaped how you cope, what you react to badly and what you react to well, and what you find important. And they also shape the types of issues you have. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 90% of the time when you argue with your partner it's not so much the issue, but more your personal issues clashing. Your experiences in life, both good and bad, shaped how you cope, what you react to badly and what you react to well, and what you find important. And they also shape the types of issues you have. I guess I'm different. I see what your saying tho. But if he were to say something like...drug addicts are sleezy, gross, what have you...both my father and my brother are drug addicts (well father WAS, hes gone tho) But I wouldn't get mad b/c I actaully have a personal experience with it. Is that what your saying? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I guess I'm different. I see what your saying tho. But if he were to say something like...drug addicts are sleezy, gross, what have you...both my father and my brother are drug addicts (well father WAS, hes gone tho) But I wouldn't get mad b/c I actaully have a personal experience with it. Is that what your saying? Nope, much more subtle than that. Like, say.... (for example) you had a controlling boyfriend in the past, and your current partner does something that you perceive as controlling and you freak out. This is not because he's really controlling, but because you had say, a bad experience with a controlling boyfriend and you respond more strongly to protect yourself than you normally would. So being that you had a bad experience (hypothetically), you would be more sensitive to anything remotely like that type of treatment. This is just an example. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 (for example) you had a controlling boyfriend in the past, and your current partner does something that you perceive as controlling and you freak out. This is not because he's really controlling, but because you had say, a bad experience with a controlling boyfriend and you respond more strongly to protect yourself than you normally would. ahhh...but what if she sub-conciously (or conciously) prefers domineering and controlling men and always picks these types as boyfriends? then your theory is shot to hell b_0... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 ahhh...but what if she sub-conciously (or conciously) prefers domineering and controlling men and always picks these types as boyfriends? then your theory is shot to hell b_0... Noooope. She would continually chose those types of men, but have contentious and argumentative and painful relationships. Because that type of female is by nature masochistic -- TO THE EXTREEEEEEME. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 masochistic -- . I was readign about these types today. I think I might be one of them. At least use to be and still borderline. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I don't think they're talking about like, throwing pots and vases and stuff. I dunno, otter – some of the women I've had tell me that say they don't want a "normal" relationship (i.e., less tempermental) because they're boring. They seem to want that kind of drama in their lives. And they'll often justify it with "the make-up sex is incredible." Sounds like those masochistic types who are willing to put themselves through what I consider torture (harsh atmosphere that comes with fighting/arguing) just to get to that wonderful make-up sex. Blech ... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I don't think they're talking about like, throwing pots and vases and stuff. I dunno, otter – some of the women I've had tell me that say they don't want a "normal" relationship (i.e., less tempermental) because they're boring. They seem to want that kind of drama in their lives. And they'll often justify it with "the make-up sex is incredible." Sounds like those masochistic types who are willing to put themselves through what I consider torture (harsh atmosphere that comes with fighting/arguing) just to get to that wonderful make-up sex. Blech ... Ohhh, I get you. I have no idea why and I have to assume those typesmay be like adrenaline junkies - they have either a higher tolerance for all that noise, or they have a brain that needs higher levels of stimuli to respond. Maybe that's what masochists are all about -- my pain tolerance is high because I've been in a lot of pain before, but hell that doesn't mean I enjoy it any more. My tolerance is more like, I can withstand a lot of pian but I still feel it, and just internalize it....maybe it just takes more pain for them to even feel it? I get so freaked out by conflict that I can't imagine wanting it around. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Here's a myth - trust. It's an f-ing myth. Unless you're an underwear model, it's a MYTH. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 I get so freaked out by conflict that I can't imagine wanting it around. exactly! I grew up with a dad who pitched fits and bad-mouthed people at the drop of a hat, then in the next breath acted like everything was fine, so I cannot handle drama because it takes me back to my childhood. Mind you, I can deal with a rousing debate with someone, provided that we understand that it's just discourse and not opportunity to take hurtful stabs at each other just because we can. My thought is that those "argue for some fire" couples more likely than not lean toward the hurtful behavior. Maybe that's what masochists are all about -- my pain tolerance is high because I've been in a lot of pain before, but hell that doesn't mean I enjoy it any more. My tolerance is more like, I can withstand a lot of pian but I still feel it, and just internalize it....maybe it just takes more pain for them to even feel it? masochists receive some kind of enjoyment or stimulus from pain, is my guess. Otherwise, the people who put up with it do so because they don't feel it's their place to squawk about it because it's not the courageous thing to do or putting up with it means it ends more quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 The truth is that the only way to have a great relationship is when you give up trying to please your partner at all costs. Then you have a lot more room to be yourself. Best of all is having a relationship where you feel free to be yourself. As for arguing, read again what was written: Because we're human we have different needs and wants. If we pretend those don't exist and don't ask that they be taken into consideration, we feel disappointed and angry and hide our feelings. The pressure of those hidden feelings leads to the conclusion that the relationship is not right for us, and we leave. The truth is that when people learn to argue in healthy ways they tend to stay together. I don't think there's anything objectionable about that. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 I get so freaked out by conflict that I can't imagine wanting it around. If that is true then why do you continue relationships with those that cause so much drama and conflict? ( your mom for example) Just curious. This is an interesting thread. Now I would like to add a Myth to this: Being totally honest with your partner is healthy for your relationship. NOT TRUE! Apparently it is more productive to just let little bits of honesty flow not the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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