How I'm winning her back!!!

[freelove]

So, my girlfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago. She is the one that ended it because she felt that as much as she loved me, the relationship was going nowhere. The reason she felt this was because, like most of us, I took her for granted and she felt like I was not interested in taking a part in her life. When she ended it. It was like a dagger to my heart and I realized then how much I truly loved her and wanted to be with her.

 

I did not go NC with her and I know that made things even worse for me. For the first week, I begged and pleaded and I know that that was the worst thing I could’ve done. I was really down especially since she told me that she recently went to Arizona and met someone there that she was attracted to. It hurt real bad, but I tried my hardest to not show my emotions.

 

I decided to go away for a few days to try sort out what I really wanted…was it just someone because I had lost her, or was it really her that I wanted. After some soul searching, I came to the realization that it was her I really wanted and would do my best to win her back to me.

 

I decided that I was not going to do NC. I was going to be there for her and try my best to create a positive outcome for us. Every time I saw her, I was as myself, acting natural and pleasant. Not once did I bring up the relationship or the past, I knew that my goal was to move forward. There were times where it was tough and I knew she was still at 2 minds about it all. I also knew she was going back to AZ, but I never let her see how I felt about it and I wished her a fantastic and safe trip. What happened in AZ, I don’t know, but when she did come back, she told me how much she missed me.

 

After a few weeks I could still tell she was at 2 minds about things. I still never brought it up and as much as I was still in pain, every time I saw her, I created positive moments between us, not telling her how much I loved her, but showing her through my deeds and actions.

 

During this time, I found out she went on 2 dates with another guy that she met and from what I hear, she really had a good time. Me, I never spoke to her about it once, I just carried on showing my love and attention, putting a smile on my face every time I was around her.

 

Since those last dates that she went on, it has been about a month of us being together and let me just tell you that everyday has gotten better and better. I can feel her coming closer and closer to me and even last week she told me that she is falling in love with me again.

 

I know that this is working through my actions and my gestures. I listen to her more now, I help her out around her apartment, I do favors for her without budging an eyelid, I spend quality time with her, hanging with her friends and her family and I just plain love her.

 

People might say, “Oh, this is a quick fix for you, and once you get comfortable again, you’ll go right back to your old self!” Well, I have been in many relationships before, I’m 28 and through a lot of reading, heartache and understanding, I think I have finally learnt my lessons and realized what it takes to make a relationship great. Everything that I am doing right now is practice for me and I know if I keep it up, I will get better and better over time. I love her and I have made the decision to love her, 100%, unconditionally.

 

I don’t know what the future will hold for us, I don’t know if she will stay with me, but God knows I am fighting for it and so far it’s working great. She wants to spend so much time with me now and we are doing the most exciting things together. I know it’s not back to where it use to be, but I have so much faith it will get there because I am seeing the results first hand. I'm just being patient and understanding and at the same time keeping my emotions in check!

 

She is my angel and I will treat her like one.

 

Guys and girls, please do the same!!! Good Luck!!!

[hurtbeyondwords]

any thoughts Cali Guy?

[riobikini]

RE:

 

FreeLove: " She is the one that ended it because she felt that as much as she loved me, the relationship was going nowhere. The reason she felt this was because, like most of us, I took her for granted and she felt like I was not interested in taking a part in her life. When she ended it. It was like a dagger to my heart and I realized then how much I truly loved her and wanted to be with her."

 

Freelove, you did the one thing that I looked for...but didn't get in my own broken relationship: ***his putting forth enough effort to turn it around***.

 

He had to do it (like you did), -simply because the problem was with him to begin with.

 

But he didn't do it....he actually, still could do something about it, -but he won't.

 

As for you...I'm jealous.

 

(Smile)

 

I am in support of you for many reasons, but the main two are: #1) You recognized that it was you who had to change to make the difference...and #2) You made your feelings about her CLEAR...hers had already been made clear.

 

Because you both love each other, agreed to the second chance, and because someone (you) took the intitiative, -under the circumstances, (if you keep your promises to her), -you should do fine.

 

Congratulations!!!!

 

(Jeez! Someone finally did what made sense! I'm shocked!)

 

-Rio

[freelove]

Thanks Rio!

 

I really appreciate your thoughts and your well wishes!!

 

You Rock!!!

[riobikini]

(Laughing)

 

You're welcome, Freelove, -now would you have a talk with my B**?

 

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

P.S. Freelove...Nothing wrong with your post....but take a look around the forums and/or use the search button to seek out the topic 'second chances' and see what you come up with...yes, I believe there are second chances, but many try to rush things or create a pseudo-relationship without really trying to work on the problems...this often fails at some point down the road.

 

Either one or both of them get frustrated with trying to keep the superficial image going, or the speed at which they moved to repair the relationship creates far too much stress and it all falls apart.

 

There are other reasons, as well, -some of them may be the fact one or both of the partners are born manipulators and/or just haven't learned to value a relationship in a mature way.

 

Some just lie their way back in.

 

But do look around the forum.

 

Look, certain criteria does have to be met, serious commitment and willingness to work on the relationship must be present, and it all hinges on the genuine effort of both people, -not just one- to even begin to consider giving it a second chance.

 

Make certain you are truly on the right track, -be honest with yourself- with her....and for God's sake...don't be the one to screw it up, if it's working this time!!!

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

any thoughts Cali Guy?

 

Yep, read my response in the other thread.

[beriwhit123]

I am happy to hear you made it work. I am in the same boat, trying to show him how much I love him, without speaking about the other women.

When we see each other I am happy, caring, and show how much I really care. He is going to come back, the question now is how long will I have to wait. We lived together for 12 years and he moved out 2 months ago. I know everyone says no contact, but instead I wait for him to call me. He calls and makes up reasons to see me. Usually one or two days a week. I am working on being happy without him for now, but I truely believe he will be back. I see from most people who get back together that if it is going to happen it will be anytime between a couple of weeks to 6 months. I am going to wait for him. Wish me luck.

I am happy for both of you making it back together.

[Ukwizard]

Hi Beriwhit123. I m also in the same boat as you. I m still in contact with my ex girlfriend. I m at the stage where I do not talk about our relationship when we were together, analyse any part when we were together or bring up any bitter moments why we split up. In fact we have light conversations on the telephone and text each other now and again. I m trying to back off a bit with the texting but I am finding it hard. I phoned the ex tonight so I will not text her tonight or tomorrow but maybe on Saturday.

 

I dont think you should say `He is going to come back`. Sometimes they dont! Like Caliguy always said. Try to focus on other things. Maybe another partner? My ex split up with me so I sure dont owe her anything. I can look for another girlfriend iis I want and if the opportunity comes then why not. Caliguy recommends NC but I m staying in contact. Are you doing no contact yourself> Your post isn`t clear. I assume you are if you say that you wait him to call you?

 

I wish you luck but sometimes it takes longer that 6 months. Read some of the posts here on LS and I ve seen some range from 1 year to 2 years! The REAL question is. How patient are you?

[CaliGuy]

To you, UK and the lady that posted above you, I have a question.

 

"How are they going to understand the value of life with you if you are not allowing them to see what life would be like without you?"

 

In other words, if you hang around your ex, feeding their egos and meeting their emotional needs while YOURS ARE NOT BEING MET, just how do you expect to heal? How do you expect them to miss you or feel the PAIN of losing you?

 

You following me???

[KittenMoon]

In other words, if you hang around your ex, feeding their egos and meeting their emotional needs while YOURS ARE NOT BEING MET, just how do you expect to heal? How do you expect them to miss you or feel the PAIN of losing you?

 

Whoa, Cali, you've written a lot on second chances, but I think you could just about boil it all down to these few lines. Bravo.

[CaliGuy]

Whoa, Cali, you've written a lot on second chances, but I think you could just about boil it all down to these few lines. Bravo.

 

Thanks. I had an epiphany, I suppose.

 

I need to add that to the guide.

[GB111]

CaliGuy,

 

I agree with your post. If you don't leave someone alone, how will they ever miss you. Just one exception (I think!). Curious about thoughts.

 

After my ex and I broke up, just after Valentine's Day, I overpursued. She was quite amenable to my pursuit, and came back to me several times, then broke it back off several times. Granted, we never worked through the problems, and things, of course, got no better. Never really understood the problem, never had a chance to work on things.

 

Well, it's been 2.5 months that we've been apart, but only about 2 weeks that have been either NC or friendly only. I have decided that during the 2 months we were teasing each other, there was so much damage done, to both of us, that NC would serve no purpose other than to allow both of us to get over each other. That might be the best thing, but I'm not quite ready to come to that conclusion. In lieu of NC, I have decided to just be friendly and kind. No mention of relationship whatsoever, but I want to at least reach the point where she remembers that I can, in fact, be a nice guy and not just an available jerk. In some ways, the contact is actually helping me get over her, so perhaps no matter what the outcome it will be best for me. I guess my ego just wouldn't allow me to leave a relationship with someone thinking I'm a jerk and a wimp. True, I'm probably feeding her ego, but I think I'm WAY past that point. I would like to try to be her friend, and if something develops from there, great. If not, I won't hurt any worse than I already do (and I'm getting better all the time).

 

Thoughts?

 

Thanks,

 

GB

[daphne]

Sorry Gb, I'm 100% with Cali on this one. From my experiences moving on is a powerful aphrodisiac. If someone's gotten tired of having you around or are taking you for granted, they may not panic to not hear from you, but they will eventually start to worry that you won't be available anymore. It's all about push/pull and becoming a challenge. People always want what they can't have.

 

Your arguments, imho, are a justification to allow yourself to get the comfort and reassurance that you need by seeing or talking to your ex. It's precisely this comfort that will probably not get you what you want. For her to miss you and realize what she's lost and come back.

 

Just my two cents.

[visotech]

Freelove, im happy for you Its good to see things actually working out for some in Second Chances.

 

On the subject of no contact:

How does one jump into no contact? At the end of our breakup we decided that we will be good friends - if I suddenly go into no contact wouldn't that jepordize the friendship that we're trying to keep going? I hated to loose her as my gf, and even worse now would be to loose her completely.

[GB111]

Thanks Daphne. You're probably right, but day by day, I feel my self-confidence getting stronger. I may just not be here when (and if) she decides she wants me again. Been a long road to get here, and yes, NC WOULD have been much better, but given that I screwed up, this seems to be working for me. I don't really care if she misses me or not, other than the emotional satisfaction of knowing that she wants me back and I can run her a@@ in circles like she did to me.

[riobikini]

Visotech,

 

Obviously, you can't maintain 'No Contact' and and be in " contact" , at the same time.

 

But I recognize that different circumstances determine the actual need for 'NC', as well.

 

If your relationship is salvageable, and -based on how valuable and healthy it is/was, to begin with, in regards to the possibility of an ongoing partnership- and you are *both* not so certain about just letting it all go away, then there may be substantial, reasonable basis for remaining in friendly, limited contact.

 

The validity and protection value of the concept of 'No Contact' is not affected by your particular circumstances, *at this time* -that is- until/unless your information changes in a specific way, i.e. she/he makes his/her decision and it's a "no-can-do' answer regarding keeping the relationship, -or if the decision-making process is an ongoing thing that just never seems to achieve an answer.

 

'NC' is for *one or both* of the partners who have made the decision to end the relationship because it was unhealthy, or unfulfilling for them mentally, physically, and/or emotionally, and where the relationship had lost it's core value to either, or both- of them and where *one or both of the partners are not seeking a revival of the relationship.*

 

Having both partners "on board" in the decision-making is always ideal, but therein lies the "rub" of most breakups: *one or the other of the partners does not want the relationship to end.*

 

When this happens, there is more drama regarding the ending, more emotional upset, and the strong possibility of one partner clinging to the last shreds of hope, and desperately seeking ways to regain the relationship, or hang around on the periphery just in case he/she sees any opportunity which might seem to contain hope for patching things up.

 

This is why many are currently in these boards.

 

But with your situation, you state a different set of circumstances; you *both* are unsure of whether you've made the right decision to break up.

 

It still keeps you in a kind of 'limbo'.

 

*And being "unsure' is different from being "hopeful".*

 

Being unsure is the 'pause' -the 'plateau'- where someone gathers and evaluates information in order to make a decision.

 

It is not yet a reason to dance for joy, or make huge, concerted efforts in preparation for reuniting.

 

It is, rather, a time to slowly move along, giving time for all (or as much of) the information to be carefully gathered, organized, and analyzed, without pressure, or distracting attempts at a half-baked reunion.

 

This is the classic 'break' referred to in many relationships, where you hear the statement "I need space".

 

As sickening as those particular words are, we often hear them when one or both partners are on the threshold of considering a more serious step, such as a total break, or a deepening of the relationship.

 

You may see this happening just before the big wedding day, when many get what we sometimes call "cold feet".

 

You also see it frequently in relationships where one of the partners is completely "over it" and is desperately looking for a less painful way to remove himself/herself from the relationship, without hurting the other partner.

 

Whatever the reason for the break, it just makes sense to evaluate your moves before taking those forward-moving steps that advance you to more responsible levels in a relationship.

 

Moving in with each other, buying a ring, thoughts of marriage, family, children, and all sorts of deeper commitment will each make an appearance on the scene, if a relationship continues long enough, and it's one of the most serious and life-changing considerations most of us will make in our lifetime.

 

And, in my opinion, that more than justifies the need for a break.

 

During this time, less contact, or friendly contact is expected, and -as long as one does not pressure the other with demands to "hurry up" with the introspective evaluation process- limited contact is perfectly ok.

 

I agree that it is difficult to already know your own heart and mind and have finished sooner with your own decision concerning the relationship, than your partner, -but patience is necessary at this time, and, even though you are on 'pins and needles' waiting for his/her answer, you are much better off to wait for the answer than push for one; if you do, you will, likely, appear as "desperate" and "clingy", and that can have a definite negative effect on the outcome.

 

Being "hopeful" on the other hand, is an almost impossible emotion to not have throughout any situation with a relationship where you are totally in love with your partner and, despite any existing problem(s), you want the relationship, no matter what.

 

But -believe it's possible, or not- even hope can be rationalized with reasonable, mature information about the relationship, -and should be.

 

With the info recognized and revealed during your introspective time during your break, hope should be accumulated based directly on the truth you gain about yourself and your partner, as individuals, -and the two of you, besides, sized up as partners *in* the relationship.

 

By comparing the 'positives' and 'negatives' of your contributions to the relationship side by side, you will have a better idea of whether you alone -or both of you- would be wasting your time, and efforts, including hope- as well as all your other emotions, by pursuing the relationship.

 

And, Visotech, -as for being friends throughout this particular situation, I believe that friendship is always necessary before beginning any romantic relationship, -and more so with anyone you have ever pictured in your life as someday being the mother/father of your children.

 

I hope I have helped you (and others) with this post.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[GB111]

Well, Daphne, it appears you were correct. I really thought I was making progress, but ran in to her at the gym yesterday. I decided I wanted to try to reconcile, or at least see if there was any possibility of us working things out. I guess this, in and of itself, proves that I was not as strong as I thought I was.

 

In any case, this was met with a very harsh, nasty, impersonal "you and I will never be together again". I later found out she's with yet another man whom I guess she's quite fond of. Don't know why she didn't just say this to me, but she didn't. Oh well, time to move on. I'm going NC not because I hope it will somehow resolve itself in time, but because I genuinely think she is bad for me. I need to take care of myself at this point, and get over what has been a terribly trying breakup. Don't know how I got myself into this position, but NC from the beginning would have saved me alot of pain and suffering. I'm back at square 1 nearly 3 months after the initial breakup. What a fool I have been.

 

Thanks to all for all the good advice I refused to follow.

 

GB

[daphne]

Sorry GB,

 

Sometimes you have to make mistakes to understand why people caution against contact. I tried LC years ago and boy did that not work. It was humiliating and excruciatingly painful. This time I'm taking care of myself. Even though I ended it with this ex, I feel like he forced my hand so he may as well have. While mine is waffling and trying to figure it out, I'm going through the grieving process and hope to be over him in time for when he comes back. They almost always do but the problem is most of the time you shouldn't take them back.

 

When you're over it, she'll probably be done with her current boy du jour and then she'll have to heal. Get a head start. Acceptance will help you get ready for the right one, and there will be one.

[Guest]

Visotech, just make sure that you don't initiate the contact. Let your ex do all of that right now. If they ask why YOU haven't called THEM, just say you've been busy or something. And always act happy.