Separation inside the same home?

[AManWithTroubles]

It doesn't seem possible, because I am reading it as separated from a place of residence. Anyways, I was posting in the infidelity forums, but there is no infidelity in our marriage, at least none that I know of. But we are having many other problems. She says she doesn't love me anymore, and asked for a divorce. I argued at first, we are together, but now have come to the realization that separation, and eventually divorce, is the only solution.

 

But right now, with the kids and the way our lives are, it would be easier on us to separate, yet live together, at least for a spell. We get along well enough to live together, we just aren't husband and wife material anymore, if you know what I mean. We can use two separate rooms on entirely different floors, but I just don't know if that counts in the eyes of the law. Does it? Also, would it be tough on the children, worse than a complete separation, perhaps? Seeing that we are kind of together, but not really. I think it would only be for a couple months or 3. Any suggestions, anyone?

[Guest]

There are many good sites to read up on the specific laws for where you live, including divorce.net and divorcesource. I filed for divorce immediately instead of opting for a legal separation, since I wanted a clean break, and not a long drawn out process, but my ex-husband and I lived in the same home all during the divorce proceedings and in fact are still living in the same home 3 months after it became final. (The house is up for sale and he can't afford to move until he gets his portion of that money.) My attorney said this was not a problem, unless his behavior became a problem for me. We have a 12 year old son and I would walk on hot coals for him, so I'd prefer he not have bad memories of the divorce, even if it would have been easier for me with his father out of the home. I live in Wisconsin so I don't know what laws apply to your area. Good luck!

[933KJL]

My ex and I did this and it can be done. The secret is to NOT sleep in the same room otherwise whatever waiting period that is required for divorce begins again. You will also need to document a reason why this is happening.

 

During the time we were together, my ex was looking for a house. I slept on the couch and typically went to bed after the kids were in bed and then woke up before they were up--she was a stay at home mom. When she found a place and we had a more firm timetable, we told the kids.

 

We just told them simply that adults sometimes have differences and this is the best for us all. Assure them that they are loved incredibly by BOTH parents and always be there for their questions, fears, and tears. The best you can do now is to be 1000% supportive of the kids and they will be fine.

 

Mine did not understand too much, but all have adjusted well and it has been over 5 years and my kids are now 14, 11, and 9.

[Ladyjane14]

In the US, divorce laws vary from state to state. If you're certain that you want to divorce, it's best to see an attorney for specific details.

[AManWithTroubles]

Well, when I agree to separation, she says she doesn't want it. A month ago, she wants separation, is not in love with me anymore, and doesn't even want to go to counseling. Her mother made her go to counseling, but I have a feeling that it is not going to work. I have taken the blame squarely on my shoulders for the decline of my marriage, and she will not forgive me or put any faith in me. I told her that I don't know why I did the things that I did, I never had bad intentions. And I don't know if I can really change, because I don't know what makes me act the way that I do. I can try, but I am not perfect, and if my actions make her unhappy, then it'd be best if we do separate. I can't make her love me again, so I've given up. I agreed to disagree.

 

I think I somewhat followed the advice of this guy at this link here: http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/125.htm . Not on purpose. I'm not plugging this guy or anything, but I am beginning to buy into his advice. No, I didn't buy his book, and I actually started this process before I read this website. I was researching separation and divorce when I came across this site. I actually might recommend others to try his technique out. My wife really didn't want me to fight with her about the divorce. She seriously wanted to know that her feelings about my actions were true. The more I told her that we should stay together, the more she hated me and the relationship. She wanted validation for her feelings. The more I fought, the more I undermined whatever turmoil she has been going through for years. But when I tell her that she is right, and that she really should get rid of me, then her feelings become real. She now knows that she had every right to feel the way she did, and say the things she did to try and end the marriage. Now it makes it harder for her to end the marriage, because there is no actual fight for her. Without a fight, what can she do? It's hard to explain, but I think it is really working.

 

Here comes the tough part. I'm beginning to really want the separation. She says she can't forgive me yet, and I doubt that she ever will. I feel like she's dragging me along. I need someone who will love me the way I love them, someone to put faith in me, and trust me. She is not that person right now, and I don't think she ever will be. I somehow broke a bond, and the bond is completely broken. I think if we stay together now, then it would just build tons of resentment in my head, that I'm with a woman I love dearly, but she does not love me back. I don't want to stay together out of convenience and obligation. I have noone in mind to replace her, and I don't know if I ever will. It's not as if I want to move on to someone else who will love me, I just can't be with someone who doesn't. Especially since I am still attracted to her. It's tough to be with someone, yet not allowed to become physically intimate. But I still do my parts in the emotional intimacy. It's not for me. I will hate every minute of it.

[MisterX]

WOW!! another guy with the same story...look ladies we are not perfect...we make mistakes, we let you down, we miss out on "fulfilling your needs"...but guess what...many of us are trying ..really trying and when that doesnt work we pull back...we put distance in the marriage and then what??

 

well it seems over and over i keep reading the same story (my story too!!!)..she gives up and falls "out of love" many times into someone elses arms.

 

 

it's been more than a year now for me, and its been terrible..we stayed in the house together, now i'm out of the house, we do have kids...i would say you can easily stay "seperated but in the same house"...that is a detail you, your wife and a lawyer should best work out...but we did it for almost a year..that didnt work out and i was continually trying to work on our marriage and my wife wanted none of it...so now i moved to a small apartment on a "temporary" basis...other than destroying our kids happiness, nothing has been accomplished by this so far

 

for what it's worth, i am feeling the same as you, the harder this gets, the more i wonder whether i want to make it work..maybe its just accepting the reality of the situation..my wife doesnt loveme anymore...period, end of story

 

HOWEVER!!!

i have a funny feeling that if i start making more permanent moves like buying a house (dont hate me, money isnt an issue for us), she will realize this whole thing is real and not an indulgence of our respective mid-life crisis...we'll have to see...

 

but in answer to your question, it's not easy, but we did it for almost a year, you can surely stay in the house as long as you're not fighting and there is no deep dark secret one of you has that is causing your problems..

[CryingCanuck]

I hear you and feel your pain,

 

I'm basically going through the same thing and I've tried a lot to turn things around. I finally gave up trying a few weeks ago, since that time, my W has asked if maybe she could move back home maybe if she did that things would change ( I begged thanks but NO THANKS) for 5 months I've done everything she has asked and more, and the more I did the more she pushed things to the breaking point.

 

I've pulled away to the point that I'm no longer sure about my feelings for her or about our marriage. We lived together for two horrible months between the time she told me she wants a "trial Separation" and her leaving, will never go through that ever again.

 

Since that time things got worse and worse until I told her that's it..... Now she wants to go into councelling, which we did previously but she claims she was so angry with me that it was doomed to fail, now she's ready.

 

I'm scared to death about opening my heart to her right now but I'll do it if it can save this marriage and maybe even make it better than it ever was.

 

So I guess I'm saying, if you want out, because she's unhappy and you can't trust her, better to do it then staying in the same house, the stress is horrible.