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How to take a step back from a controlling situation..

gueniverre

By gueniverre,
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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gueniverre

gueniverre

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Hi...I need help desperately with a situation I am in with my BF..specifically I need to understand how to put the breaks on some things that have gotten waaaayyy out of hand...

My BF

 

It has turned into such a power struggle, and it has leaked over into other areas into my life.....It wasnt like this to begin with, but now I am drowning in how to reclaim some of my power....

 

 

To be clear, I have absolutely zero intentions of leaving him. I love him and cherish him. I think that it is because he prefers the traditional roles in life that we are having such issues.....

 

It wasnt such an issue long ago, but after the newness wore off and we went our seperate ways, working and such, I am finding that he wants me in the house, cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. He monopolizes all of my time so I cant even go out with a new friend I just met. If I tell him that I am going to the library with her, he says "are you crazy, who is this woman, she might be a crazy on the street who might kill you, you dont know her" or "no, I need you to do......."

 

I recently have been wanting a second job to beat the lonliness I feel,but he doesnt want me to get one. He relented a little and told me I could after he met everyone I would be working with. Which is embarrassing and impossible.

 

If I wear certain clothes that are flattering to my figure, he tells me that we are not leaving the house until I change. In no way do I look slutty, maybe a little cleavage, but thats it. If I put my foot down and say we are going come on, he says I am going alone then. He asks me if I want everyone staring at me.....no, but I like to feel womanly sometimes..

 

If I tell him that I am going to help a friend out for an hour or two after work, he says "fine, when you are working one day, I am going to go out and party with my friends"..when I say fine, he says that maybe he will just party with his friends on a day when I am NOT working...knowing that we are now dealing with the issue of him not having time to spend with me due to work...

 

I feel stuck in a no win situation. How can I get a little more freedom and independance without him retaliating? I want to do it little by little so it is easier for the both of us to deal with....

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a4a

a4a

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He is not going to change.... actually he is going to get worse.

 

If you refuse to see this now, I hope that you will soon before it's too late you end up married with kids that have to take his abuse as well.

 

Not trying to be harsh, but you are at the start of a very seriously abusive possible fatal relationship.

 

Between the forced feedings and the things you listed here...... it does not look good. What would you tell a friend that was involved with a person like this?

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2sunny

2sunny

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RUN!!!! as fast as you can!!!!

 

 

This was my life for 23 years!!! I feel free now to be away from him! He controlled everything - from what I wore (and my kids) by buying all of our clothes, to shopping at the market to be sure we ate what he wanted, to telling me I couldn't spend time with friends because he would dream up something he needed to keep me "busy." The house had to be "perfect" at all times.

 

You need a man that will be kind, loving, giving and considerate.

 

He is not anything near this! You deserve more!

 

One word - RUN!!!!

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gueniverre

gueniverre

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"Not trying to be harsh, but you are at the start of a very seriously abusive possible fatal relationship"

 

thanks, but how so? I mean the feeding thing has died down since I pile my plate high with food and eat when he comes home so that is starting to be less of an issue...

 

the reason I ask is because he says he is protecting me. I am confused now and not sure what to believe. Like when he says those things about this new friend (girl) he says that she might be a lesbian or If I say that she has a bf he says that her BF might kill me because I dont know who they are, I shouldnt be friends with people I met on the street...which is true i guess, you never know who is out there..

 

you dont think he could change little by little??

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a4a

a4a

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"

 

you dont think he could change little by little??

 

 

Sure he will get worse, and if marriage gets involved........ he will own you legally in his mind.

 

You need to be very careful and get the hell out now.

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tikigods

tikigods

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Basing a relationship on the idea that someday they might change isn't a good idea, this man isn't good for you and its time you open your eye to that, you are in a relationship that can only get worse more then better.

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destination_unknown

destination_unknown

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Get out of this relationship now.

 

It is seriously unhealthy.

 

He sounds like the person you need protecting from.

 

You should NEVER allow anybody to dictate who your friends are, what you wear and where you go what you eat. He is controlling your every action. He is violating your free will and trying to make you feel bad for it.

 

RUN AWAY - this man is a textbook example of an abuser. Your rights are being abused. This is not a loving equal relationship. It is him being the puppet master and you being the puppet.

 

Do not make excuses for him, he is not looking out for your best interests, he is controlling you.

 

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

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gueniverre

gueniverre

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You need to be very careful and get the hell out now.

 

 

geeezzz, I dont know, i mean, he never hit me or ever has put his hands on me, he is not that type, really, for sure! He never hit his other exes to my knowledge, i dont think he would do that to me..its not in his nature for sure...

 

He says he is protecting me, which is nice, but from a girl who is my friend??!! maybe he is nervous cuz he doesnt know who she is, but whenever he meets my friends, there always seems to be big outbursts and I lose my friends...

 

do you guys have any pointers for kind of gaining a little more independance without him retaliating?

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2sunny

2sunny

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honey,

 

you are not listening! get out while you can!

 

google emotional abuse, you may see things there you don't want to admit to yourself. you are not seeing this clearly, listen to us and let us help you, there was a reason why you asked....

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gueniverre

gueniverre

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geeez you guys, he is not a woman beater!! he really is a nice guy!! he is very sweet and caring. I have never met a more mellow person, it is just this control war that we have going on right now, whenever i say one thing he says another and it gets over the top, you know, but really his personality is extremely mellow...

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destination_unknown

destination_unknown

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Abuse is abuse, physical or psychological. This man is psychologically abusing you.

 

You will not be able to gain independence from him, the only way you will be free is to LEAVE.

 

Staying in this relationship and trying to "negotiate" indepedence could quite possibly drive this man to begin physically abusing you. If you try to gain independence they usually step up the abuse and head f*uck tactics.

 

Please google "abusive relationship" , your has all the classic signs.

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catgirl1927

catgirl1927

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He's not protecting you. He's controlling you. He has no interest in protecting you. He wants to be the only reason that you are alive, he wants you to have NO one.

 

Abusers rarely hit at first. The first thing an abuser has to do is separate you from anyone who would help you or encourage you to stand up for yourself. They have to have you all to themselves so that without them you are completely alone. Then the hitting starts. Trust me.

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2sunny

2sunny

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I am speaking from experience.

 

They are reasonable as long as they get things "their way"

 

When you start to challenge the power and control they want to have over you, that is when you will see what we are saying... try it with just a simple issue, you'll see.

 

Make sure you have a plan to get away quickly once he shows his "true" colors when you challenge his control!

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gueniverre

gueniverre

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I dont understand what was written that would make you think he was abusing me in any way...some people just have strong natures.....I have been with him for some years now and he has never ever hit me.....i just want to know how to make our relationship a more equal ground, without him retaliating, you know? Besides, it was my fault for letting it get out of hand...

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destination_unknown

destination_unknown

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Just a tidbit from domestic violence website:

 

Isolation:

Your partner is clearly trying to isolate you. He is trying to make you afraid to meet new people. This is so you will not have the support system in place so that even if you want to leave you will feel weak and powerless and trapped in the relationship.

 

Using male privalege:

Your reference about him just "preferring traditional roles" kicks in here. He thinks you should serve him. You say this is monopolising all your time and you are constantly in the house cooking, cleaning etc.

 

Emotional Abuse:

Telling you you look slutty to make you feel bad about yourself so you will not have the confidence to leave you. He wants you to feel like you deserve to stay in the relationship with him, even though it is abusive. He also wants you to feel bad about yourself so you dont think anyone else would want you so you have no choice but to stay with him.

Threats to do things that will hurt you emotionally, he is going to party when you are at work.

 

The longer you stay with this man the harder it will be for you to leave, he is grooming you to hate yourself be, be helpless and dependent only on him.

 

There are lots of men who would like their partner to show a little cleavage and are attracted to a woman who oozes feminity.

 

There are lots of men who are attracted to women who like to meet new friends and have a great social life outside of the relationship.

 

There are lots of men who would treat you with respect.

 

Most importantly, do not allow him to disrespect you.

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catgirl1927

catgirl1927

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I dont understand what was written that would make you think he was abusing me in any way...some people just have strong natures.....I have been with him for some years now and he has never ever hit me.....i just want to know how to make our relationship a more equal ground, without him retaliating, you know? Besides, it was my fault for letting it get out of hand...

 

He force feeds you. He criticizes your appearance. He won't let you have any friends. He won't let you have a job. He won't let you go anywhere.

 

Do you honestly think these behaviors are normal?

 

Your fault, huh? And I suppose when you end up in the ER with broken ribs and black eyes, that will be your fault too.

 

You obviously know something is wrong. You came here for advice. People on here are nice, and genuinely want to help you. The situation always looks different from the outside. And from here, it looks REALLY bad.

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2sunny

2sunny

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I dont understand what was written that would make you think he was abusing me in any way...some people just have strong natures.....I have been with him for some years now and he has never ever hit me.....i just want to know how to make our relationship a more equal ground, without him retaliating, you know? Besides, it was my fault for letting it get out of hand...

 

 

He will always make it your fault! That's what they do... retaliation is something that happens all the time as well... because they want their way, and if you don't give them their way - they are apt to make you miserable so you don't even THINK of doing that again!

 

I never said he hit you, we are not necessarily discussing "physical abuse"

 

Please be a bit more open to what we are trying to at least show you as far as signs of "emotional abuse"

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destination_unknown

destination_unknown

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please google "abusive relationships"

 

Read as much as you can.

 

Please dont try to gain independence within this relationship, it could be put your safety in danger. Find your freedom and independence outside of this relationship.

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destination_unknown

destination_unknown

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It is not your fault.

 

It is HIS fault, he is responsible for his actions.

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2sunny

2sunny

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Read the title of your thread... you realized this subconsciously before anyone replied.

 

Be honest with yourself about what healthy relationships should be like. This is not it.

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tikigods

tikigods

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your big problem right now is you see abuse as hitting, when there are actually several different types, read all the links that where posted in here and listen to what we have to say.

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gueniverre

gueniverre

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okay thanks for the links, i skimmed through them, there is only about 7 things he did on the first link, 6 on the second and 5 things on the last one, besides, those things are vague and taken out of context.....

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catgirl1927

catgirl1927

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okay thanks for the links, i skimmed through them, there is only about 7 things he did on the first link, 6 on the second and 5 things on the last one, besides, those things are vague and taken out of context.....

 

Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt.

 

Well, I really hope you come to your senses. Does he allow you any contact with your family at all? It probably won't be long until he takes the computer away from you, but please let us know you're ok until that happens.

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