shelters Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 I don't know if what I have is commitment phobia because I am rarely the one to actually leave the relationship. But what does happen is I go into a relationship full force with confidence, but then suddenly a shift occurs and I begin to doubt the other person & myself. In my most recent relationship, I know I was (am) in love and it still didn't work. I began doubting everything and became irrational with up & down moods, going from really loving to my bf to then being cold, biting, argumentative. The more he wanted me, wanted to marry, etc. the harder I pulled away. And now that he has broken up with me I feel like I missed an amazing chance at a wonderful life with him. I guess I just don't know if I'm commitment phobic since I didn't want out of the relationship. ?? I know he still loves me but he says that if he were really the one for me then my issues would lessen, not get worse in the relationship. It is hard to argue that point and convince him that I really do love him since my actions don't demonstrate that. (sigh) Does anyone have suggestions on how to get over commitment phobia (if that is what I have)? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Does anyone have suggestions on how to get over commitment phobia (if that is what I have)? On my first glance, I would suggest seeking a counselor to find out what happened in your past. It is possible you have been hurt by prior relationships or father-daughter issue, or just cold feet. It could be anything, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shelters Posted April 1, 2006 Author Share Posted April 1, 2006 On my first glance, I would suggest seeking a counselor to find out what happened in your past. It is possible you have been hurt by prior relationships or father-daughter issue, or just cold feet. It could be anything, IMO. Yeah, I am seeing a counselor but I've found that understanding my past hasn't really helped. I have the typical story: parents divorced, mom is the one who left, dad dated a lot never really settling down until I was in H.S. But none of this "awareness" of my past changes my present-day behaviors (the going back and forth the between loving & pulling away/being mean)........... Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Hmm... I see something similar to what I went thru. She "ran away". It could be sub-conscious that you do what you do, psycholocial conditioning. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Please try The Feeling Good Handbook, for cognitive techniques to help you explore those negative messages in your head. Based on your info, I can't determine that you are "commitment phobic". Maybe your unconscious was sending you danger signals about your ex-bf. Or maybe you have depression, which can lead to irritability. BTW, love is created and sustained by each of you doing a great job meeting the other person's most important emotional needs. Please read His Needs, Her Needs. No psychobabble, just solid data and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Yeah, I am seeing a counselor but I've found that understanding my past hasn't really helped. I have the typical story: parents divorced, mom is the one who left, dad dated a lot never really settling down until I was in H.S. But none of this "awareness" of my past changes my present-day behaviors (the going back and forth the between loving & pulling away/being mean)........... maybe it is not a counselor you need but maybe a life coach to help you achieve some goals, and that could be one of them... good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 I agree with SoleMate, what determines commitment phobias? I got cold feet in marrying someone last year. Looking back he really rushed me and in the end had a scheme to take half my home in his name, my inheritance and had all these crazy views on what marriage meant twisting it to some financial gain. Ironically he had no money to offer. Maybe in my 20's I was afraid of commitment. But now, I just wasn't stupid or desperate to be rushed or give up financial security for myself. I have a lot going for myself and will only share it with someone that means the world to me. Most of us are afraid to open our hearts when it means being hurt possibly. But most of us in time get trust and are able. You mention you mother took off on you. That may not make you committment phobic but it will affect your relationships so I encourage you to examine it as much as you can. We all have our baggage and those who do best are those who conquer issues head on. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 I got cold feet in marrying someone last year. Looking back he really rushed me and in the end had a scheme to take half my home in his name, my inheritance and had all these crazy views on what marriage meant twisting it to some financial gain. Ironically he had no money to offer. Hi GROOVY! Thats a terrible story! Oh well, at least you avoided the male gold-digger. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 I didn't feel sad for long about it:) The only thing I miss is the sex. I could do without anything else he offered. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 RE: Shelters: "...I just don't know if I'm commitment phobic since I didn't want out of the relationship. ??" Shelters, Commitment Phobes do not usually do things to consciously 'self-destruct' the relationship...they are very happy to just 'abide' in it. They can even live with a partner, as long as no one rocks the boat asking for deeper, more meaningful emotional displays and advanced verbal/physical commitment. It's the 'tying up' of ones life -the end all, be all- that scares the 'h' out of them. It carries with it a sense of a loss of freedom and sucks the 'fun' right out of the relationship for them. Ever feel claustrophobic? CP's want to keep the door open, at least, just a crack, to make them feel 'safe', unpressured, and never 'locked in'. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author shelters Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 You mention you mother took off on you. That may not make you committment phobic but it will affect your relationships so I encourage you to examine it as much as you can. We all have our baggage and those who do best are those who conquer issues head on. I didn't mean she took off on me. I meant she is the one who divorced my father (though she did move out of state after the divorce). I am sure it all plays a part in how I handle relationships. With my ex I am seeing things a little clearer now. I tend to be the kind of person who willingly takes all of the blame. I see now his part too, but still want to keep my focus on me since I'm the only constant in each of my relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shelters Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 RE: Shelters, Commitment Phobes do not usually do things to consciously 'self-destruct' the relationship...they are very happy to just 'abide' in it. They can even live with a partner, as long as no one rocks the boat asking for deeper, more meaningful emotional displays and advanced verbal/physical commitment. It's the 'tying up' of ones life -the end all, be all- that scares the 'h' out of them. It carries with it a sense of a loss of freedom and sucks the 'fun' right out of the relationship for them. Ever feel claustrophobic? CP's want to keep the door open, at least, just a crack, to make them feel 'safe', unpressured, and never 'locked in'. -Rio Hmpf. Never felt claustrophobic, no. I was ok with the relationship for a long while... was ok with the progression of seriousness... up to the point of talking about moving in with each other/getting engaged (even though I was thinking along those lines too before I pulled back!!). I should come with a warning label, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 RE: Shelters, Commitment Phobes do not usually do things to consciously 'self-destruct' the relationship...they are very happy to just 'abide' in it. They can even live with a partner, as long as no one rocks the boat asking for deeper, more meaningful emotional displays and advanced verbal/physical commitment. It's the 'tying up' of ones life -the end all, be all- that scares the 'h' out of them. It carries with it a sense of a loss of freedom and sucks the 'fun' right out of the relationship for them. Ever feel claustrophobic? CP's want to keep the door open, at least, just a crack, to make them feel 'safe', unpressured, and never 'locked in'. -Rio I, as well, am in fact a female commitment phobe. It was my biggest transgression in my recently ended relationship. He wanted to get married eventually, I kept saying I didn't want to. I just liked the relationship. My feelings in the last two months have changed, especially as I start to see my friends getting married. Now I want to fall in love and get married, someday not immediatly, and to someone I can be pretty confident will never cheat or leave me (boy, this is a tall order these days!) But emotionally, I was very committed to my ex. Loved him like nothing else. He thought he was ready for marriage but he isn't, not by a long shot. It's a sad thing, if we had met a few years later than we did things would have been very different and I'd probably be engaged right now. I got everything I wanted in a person except good timing. At least I've learned fate has a sense of humour... Link to post Share on other sites
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