BUSTED...I talked to the OW

[faithful1]

I am new at this....and I need help.

After months of suspecting my husband was having an affair with a GIRL (he is 35--she's 25) he works with ....and finding evidence as well, I finally called the OW. I've been trying to get my husband to finally tell the truth but he simply wouldn't do it. And still continues to lie. Even when I laid it all out for him he would deny, deny, deny. He moved out on March 13...but had leased the apt. at the end of January/beginning of February. He kept telling me there was no one else, he was moving out to work on himself because he didn't like the person he had become. While saying this he was saying NO to marriage counseling. Hmmmm. He told me I could go.

Today we had a conversation and he told me again there was no one else and he wished I would stop saying there was........and asked me if I had proof (oh honey, if you only knew). I asked him if SHE would tell me the same thing and he said he didn't know what she would say and he didn't care, to call her if that would settle things for me. Oops....I took him up on it. I called her. We talked for appr. 40 minutes. She informed me that they had been sleeping together for about 4 mos. (actually longer)...and asked if I knew he was planning on moving out of state in August once our 5 year old son starts kindergarten. Moving to Nevada----Las Vegas area.

The one thing he neglected to tell her is that he has 2 other sons...

She talked to him after we got off the phone. She asked me before we ended the call if she could tell him she talked to me. I said that was fine.

He soon after sent me a text message saying I had crossed the line by telling her about his two other sons and that I called her and that we are SO over, not to call him unless Nevan is hurt or he wants to talk to him. Wow. I asked him how I crossed the line by telling her about the boys and he said because I told his business. Whatever.... I told him he was just mad because she didn't want a guy that had kids (more than one) and he knew that. I said I didn't understand that she was good enough to sleep with (didn't put it so nice) but couldn't tell her he had 3 sons instead of 1? Somethings wrong there. He said that he didn't care what he had done to me only what I did to him. I told him I didn't cross any line....he was the one who crossed the line by sleeping with another woman. Apparently, he wouldn't be unhappy either if she happened to get pregnant. OK, he doesn't want more kids...

He denied a lot of things when I talked to him after my conversation with her. What in the world did I marry?????

Can anyone relate here? Any advice?

[michelangelo]

And get a handle on a divorce on your terms in the state you live in.

 

File first, before he files in nevada.

 

Thank your lucky stars you are not having this man in your life but for your kids.

 

it is sad about that. Just make sure you get child support and spoousal support.

 

disengage emotionally from him.

[debs]

I say get down on your knees and THANK the dear lord that you rid your immediate existance of this man!

 

Mine left with a 20 yr old and NOW?! I say Thank you! Lindsay!

 

Your hurt now but in 2 years you will think and feel MUCH differently!

[justagirliegirl]

You crossed the line? How ridiculous! He is the one having an affair and lying about it!

 

One things all cheaters have in common; they are liars.

[Ladyjane14]

What a crummy situation.

 

Have you decided what it is that you want to do yet? Do you want to try and save the marriage....or do you want to divorce him out-of-hand?

 

Either way, it's your choice. But you might read through a copy of Surviving An Affair. You can keep your options open and still proceed in a manner that preserves your choices until you're ready to make them.

 

He soon after sent me a text message saying I had crossed the line by telling her about his two other sons and that I called her and that we are SO over, not to call him unless Nevan is hurt or he wants to talk to him. Wow. I asked him how I crossed the line by telling her about the boys and he said because I told his business.

 

Yeah... it's normal for a WS (wayward spouse) to 'go nuts' when they're exposed. Exposure is one of the key steps in the program outlined at marriagebuilders, based on the principles of Surviving An Affair.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy. The fantasy is more thrilling when the affair partners don't have to deal with the intrusion of REALITY.

 

Exposure of the affair brings it out into the light. And when the people who are most influential in your WH's life are all in-the-know, it makes it so much harder for him to hide what he's doing. Suddenly, justifying the affair behavior becomes more difficult. His own rationalizations begin to ring hollow in his ears because he's having to verbalize them. He's also having to listen to other people refute his thought-process.

 

Since your WH is already mad....why not go ahead and expose his affair to all the people in his life who have influence on him? It would be a whole lot easier to do now than it will later when he's trying to bargain with you. His anger is not likely to affect the outcome either way.

 

EVERY exposed WS goes off like a ballistic missile initially. They ALL say that it's over and they're never coming back. But the ones who are going to go back to the marriage, go back anyway. And if he's not ever coming back, why would you care if he's pissed off or not?

 

Anyway, I agree with Michaelangelo. Lawyer up.

 

It's important for you to protect your family. If your marriage recovers, your WH will be glad you preserved everything you could. And if you decide you don't want him back.... Like I said before, you don't care if he's pissed off or not.