Seperation does it work?

[Blamedforeverything]

My husband of 2 years just told me that he is "damaged" and that when he sees me, I remind him of all the failures. He wants to seperate because he wants to "see" if he can get himself to the place that he once was and maybe try to work on our marriage.

 

This to me does not sound positive and I see separation as a pit stop to divorce and not a lets take time off and then regroup later and work on the relationship.

 

He just told me that if he had money right now, he would pay for me to go stay at a different apartment.

 

I just don't know what to think. I just don't see how this separation will get us closer again.

 

I am also distressed alone in a new city with no friends...and I have no one to talk to...Gosh I this hurts

 

I should add that I keep getting mixed messages from him. Within the last week, he has told me three times including yesterday night that he wanted to stay together and work it out. Then today he denies that he said that and as far as he was concerned, he still wanted a separation.

 

I don't get it. Sorry if I sound incoherent I am just too tired mentally and emotionally and have no one to talk to.

[Sassy]

Do you think it is possible that he is bipolar? Sounds passive aggressive as well.

[Blamedforeverything]

no he is not but he is really hurting me....After going to a divorce support group he started to get the feeling that I was taking him seriously and he started to be his old self again...Now today he tells me that he does not want me in his business and for me not to involve him in my business (because I asked him to go to the park after he told me he wanted to stay and work on the marriage) that he wants to do his own thing without feeling obligated....

 

I just don't know what he wants.....I would rather know that he wants out and I can begin my healing process other than this one leg in today and one leg out tomorrow.

 

How do I deal with this? I don't want to ruin any chance of making things better but if we are going to get a divorce, I don't want him to keep playing with my feelings.

 

I guess what I am asking is how do you deal with this situation without sabotaging chances of you getting back together but at the same time not haing your feelings jerked around?

[Blamedforeverything]

Also I should add, one of the things that is making me feel even worse is the fact that he is taking on the victim mentality and making me feel like he was horribly mistreated and abused in this relationship.

 

I now know the things that I did to contribute to a failed marriage and I am not saying I could have not been a better partner ...the things that I contributed and could have done a better job are the usual.... having unreasonable expectations, arguements, and just general unsatisfaction with the relationship. I am so low because he is making me feel like I abused him and did all this horrible things to him yet I know that, that is not true. He is unhappy with his life because he is not in med school like he wanted to be and that he supported me for a year b4 I got a job (not my own doing I just graduated and had no experince). He is blaming me for things and resenting me for things I have no control over.

 

He said that I remind him of failure because he could have been in med school and he is not and to top that, his relationship is crap. I just don't know....Don't get me wrong I don't think I am a victim and did nothing wrong, but the crime does not fit the punishment....

[dgiirl]

Yep, I got blamed for everything too, and my ex acted like an abused child. One thing I realized is in order for him to do what he did, he needed to believe what he did. He needs to believe it for him to walk away. It could be soooooo far from the truth, or even greatly exagerated one situation, but he needs to do it so he can leave. I would also venture to say there is either another woman.

 

I have no sound advice on getting him back tho. Mine left over a year ago, and hasnt come back (he just stalks me from a far). And I really am better off. He wasnt a walk in the park either, and if he can just throw away a 8 year relationship with not a single effort to fix it, then I'm better off before I get any deeper involved.

[1Gravity]

Perhaps read "love must be tough" by James Dobson?

 

Also, 80% of couples that seperate never reconcile.

 

Finally, the tighter you try to hold on, the further away he will need to flee. Start acting like you are over the marriage and don't make him feel trapped. That's what you'll read in "love must be tough".

 

Best of luck,

 

1Gravity

[rble618740]

I could have written your post in June of 2004. My husband walked during a heated argument and moved out of our home the next day. My life was completely turned upside down. We had only been married 9 months. I'll be honest with you, I was a wreck. My husband told me twice the first week he was gone that he just thought our personalities were such that we would never be able to live peacefully together. I disagreed. I thought there were things that each of us could do to make our marriage happier. I began doing the things I knew I could do. I recognized that I could only control my actions. I affirmed my love for him and my commitment to our marriage, but I did not beg, push or demand anything from him. I put my complaints about him on hold while I worked on his complaints about me (even though I had initially thought his complaints were ridiculous). I found peace. I was calm.

 

After a couple of weeks, my husband noticed the changes I was making (I didn't cram them down his throat). He agreed to go talk to a marriage counselor. During the counseling session we both agreed that we loved each other and wanted our marriage to work, my husband just remained unsure as to whether it could work.

 

The next couple of months were more of the same. Me focusing on being a better me, dating my husband, and affirming my love and commitment. After almost three months, my husband was still on the fence about whether he wanted to move back in and try to make our marriage work again. I have to be honest. At times, I was frustrated that I was working so hard, he was putting forth very little effort (which I thought had been our problem all along), and HE was the one deciding if he wanted to remain married to me. But...I had faith that my efforts would be reciprocated if we could work things out and, if we couldn't, I would know that I had done everything possible to save my marriage.

 

Finally, when I could do it calmly, peacefully, and with an understanding of the possible outcome, I told my husband that I did not want to be a part-time wife any longer. I told him that I didn't think being apart was helping us, that I didn't think he was any closer to deciding to come home, and that - I felt like I was enabling him to have a wife but act single. Note: I did not give my husband money or sex during this time (because I didn't want to wonder whether those things were keeping him around). I told my husband that I loved him, I was ready to continue working on our marriage, but that I did not want to date or make small talk with him. I told him I would be more than willing to talk about our future as a couple, but that was the only interaction I wanted witH him until he made a decision about our marriage. The next night, he called to chit chat. I politley reiterated, "I love you, I'm still willing to work on our marriage, but I don't want to talk about work. Call me if anytime if you want to talk about us." Two days later, he called to chit chat again. Same story. The next day he called and I asked him if he was calling to talk about us. He said he was. He came over and asked if he could come home.

 

OUR MARRIAGE HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE FOR THE LAST 1 1/2 YEARS!!! My efforts have been returned tenfold. I have my dream husband. And the more I accept him as he is, the more he works to become the best he can be. It's so weird that what works best in our marriage is so counterintuitive. I would not go so far as to say that our separation was a good thing (because it was too torturous and I don't believe in walking out on a spouse), but we made the best of it. It threw us into crisis mode, early in our marriage, and kept us from making a habit of the way we had been interacting. I feel like our marriage is built on stone now, instead of the sand that was pulling us under right before he left. It can be done. If you have any questions, PLEASE do not hesitate to private message me. If I can help someone take the road from a bad marriage to a great marriage, I will trip over myself to help!